Read The Criminal Alphabet Online
Authors: Noel "Razor" Smith
The Criminal Alphabet (29 page)
â
Darkie' as a
description of a black person has long fallen out of vogue in both the criminal and
civilian worlds but racism is never far away at any time and it has made something
of a comeback, albeit in a disguised form, in the last decade, particularly in
prisons.
Feargal
sounds quite inoffensive, on the face of it,
compared to some slang for ethnic minorities, but the full explanation is not quite
so innocent. It comes from rhyming slang: Feargal Sharkey =
darkie. (Feargal Sharkey was the lead singer of 1970s new-wave band The Undertones
and went on to have a solo career.)
Fire
has the same
meaning as
hot
, but it is used more by people of West Indian
origin, as in âKeep well away from me, man, you is fire, blood!'
Fraggle Rock
was a children's
television show featuring weird little puppet creatures that spoke in a strange
language. To be called a
fraggle
is a mild insult; the word was
casually bandied about in the 1980s and '90s, though it has now fallen out of vogue.
A fraggle was somebody who was obviously mentally ill. The word was so popular in
prison at one time that the infamous hospital wing at HMP Brixton where seriously
mentally ill prisoners were held was nicknamed Fraggle Rock, after the island where
the TV fraggles lived. Even prison staff referred to the hospital wing like
this.
Fridge
is rhyming slang
(fridge freezer = geezer). It's not really insulting as such, although âgeezer' does
imply someone old. It's possibly a corruption of âgeyser' â ancient natural
landmarks, holes in the ground, which shoot out hot water and air.
Fugly
is used to
describe somebody who is a bit more than ugly, and is a mix of two words, âfucking'
and âugly', as in âThat bird I saw you with last night was fugly, mate'.
Gobshite
is a slang word
of Irish origin and means somebody who talks shit; nothing they say is to be taken
at face value or trusted.
Gon-bee
is slang for a
Turk (rhyming slang: gone berserk = Turk), as in âFuck me, I got in the warehouse
an' it was full of gon-bees all waving AK47s'. Gon-bee is quite prevalent in London
prisons and manors, whereas the use of
clean-and-jerk
is spread
more widely across the country.
To be called a
grass
(grasshopper = copper) in criminal or prison circles is a serious matter, as people
who inform are a danger to other criminals and are dealt with severely, and
sometimes fatally. Probably the most infamous grass in British criminal history was
Derek Creighton âBertie' Smalls, who became the first supergrass in the early 1970s
and gave evidence against dozens of his confederates whilst securing freedom for
himself.
A
half-ounce
is someone
who hails from Pakistan (rhyming slang: half-ounce of baccy = Paki), and is often
used by white criminals to describe anyone of Asian origin. Half an ounce is
smallest weight of rolling tobacco (baccy) you can buy. In the old borstal system
the slang was âquarter-ounce', because the wages were so low that canteen staff
would cut a half-ounce packet straight down the middle and sell it to the trainees
for half the price. This process has now been banned in UK prisons, for reasons of
âhealth and safety', apparently.
To be described as a
handbag
in criminal circles is to have your manhood called into
question. A handbag is an effeminate or drippy person, someone not to be trusted in
a fight.
A
head-the-ball
, or
header,
is someone who is a bit
divvy
and not
to be trusted, as in âHe's a proper fucking header so don't bother trying to explain
anything complicated to him'.
The term comes from the idea that, when
playing football, if you head the ball too much, it will scramble your brain and
make you dim.
See
Div
If a prisoner is described as a
heatwave
, it means they are hotter than a £50 shotgun. They will be
hotter than
hot
,
meaning that even to be seen in
their vicinity will be dangerous. This can be because the prisoner is behaving in an
obviously suspicious manner, or because they are obviously under surveillance by the
authorities. Avoid them at all costs.
A
hobbit
is a
mug
of no importance, or someone who is always sucking up to
the screws. Calling someone a hobbit
,
unless they actually are a
hobbit, is an insult and can sometimes lead to fisticuffs. The word has been used as
an insult in prison since the 1970s and is of course taken from the J. R. R. Tolkien
book of the same name.
If someone is described as
hot
, it usually means that the authorities are on to them, or
watching them, and that if you approach them you run the risk of being implicated by
association. For example, there may be a raving junkie on the wing who has lost all
discretion and is going from cell to cell, prisoner to prisoner, asking who will
sell them heroin. This person will be considered hot, or even a
heatwave
, and will be avoided by all sensible cons and dealers.
Prison staff know very well that as long as they can identify the drug users in
prison â and their demeanour makes this easy â all they have to do is watch which
cells they visit on the prison wing and the odds are good they'll be able to
identify who's dealing drugs. Also, in the criminal rather than the prison context,
if a criminal is described as hot then it means they are too risky to work with, due
to being under the attention of the police or another authority; they may be under
constant surveillance. Or it could be that they are suspected
of
cooperating with the authorities. Either way, if someone is described as hot, they
are best avoided.
See
Heatwave
A
hungry c***
, or
hungry bastard
is someone who wants more than their fair share.
The term can be applied to a criminal but is usually used for bent officials who
demand large bribes in order to lose evidence or supply information to criminals.
The Flying Squad had this reputation in the 1960s and '70s when they were known to
take bribes and demand part of the loot stolen by certain robbery firms. They became
known as âthe firm within a firm' after Detective Sergeant John Symonds was covertly
taped in 1969 by two undercover reporters working on a police corruption story for
The Times
. He told the reporters that he could fix any police matter
for a price and, if he couldn't, then he would know someone in the force who could,
as they were âa firm within a firm'. Proper
hungry bastards
!
See
Noble cause corruption
,
Operation
Countryman
,
The Sweedy
If you were to describe someone as an
ice cream
, you would be seriously questioning their courage.
Back in the 1970s and '80s the hooligan element of West Ham United Football Club in
East London were known as the ICF (InterCity Firm) because of their habit of using
InterCity trains to get to away matches. The ICF had a terrible reputation as brutal
tear-up merchants but were very proud of it, and their name. Their West London
rivals, Chelsea Football Club, had an equally violent hooligan
element known as the Headhunters. In order to goad their East London rivals, the
Headhunters nicknamed the ICF the Ice-Cream Firm, meaning they would melt in the
face of stiff opposition. This slur on the ICF led to many pitched battles between
the two sets of fans. In criminal circles, to have a reputation as an ice cream is a
serious hindrance, as no sensible criminal will want to work with you.
A
jackanory
is a liar or
someone who tells outrageous stories. It comes from the children's television show
Jackanory
, in which a presenter reads stories. To mutter âjackanory'
when someone is speaking is an indication that you don't believe a word that is
being said.
Jack the Biscuit
is
someone who acts hard or tough when they are no such thing, and is an insult applied
to any flash or cocky prisoner or screw. Jack the Biscuit will walk around with both
arms stuck out as though he has an imaginary roll of carpet under each armpit,
trying to give off an air of being hard. But nine times out of ten Jack is as thick
as two short planks, although he may very well be able to bench-press his own
bodyweight. Despised by most as a
mug
or a
div
, he
will nevertheless continue to have an overinflated sense of his own importance,
handsomeness and fighting skills, even when faced with evidence to the contrary.
But, like a biscuit, the fake hard man will disintegrate when in hot water.
See
Cardboard ganster
,
Charlie
Big Spuds
A
jafaken
is a white or
Asian person who affects a Jamaican accent in order to make themselves seem more
windswept and interesting. A lot of young prisoners develop a ridiculously accented
patois, despite the fact that the closest most of them have been to the Caribbean is
hearing a Bob Marley track on the radio. Many young British blacks also put on a
West Indian patois, even if they were born in this country and have grown up in
Peckham. When questioned, they'll tell you they do this because their parents speak
in this way, which is a bit like a British kid with Italian parents giving it plenty
of â
Mamma mia!
', or someone with Irish parents talking in a thick brogue
and shouting âTop o' the morning to ye!' every five minutes. The jafaken is usually
held in contempt by other people of white or Asian origin. Jamaican patois seems to
have replaced estuary English and mockney as the accent and language of choice for
many young people. Such people used to be called
wiggers
.
See
Wigger
A
jaffa
is someone who
is impotent, because Jaffa oranges are seedless, but it's also cockney slang for a
complete idiot. The word has fallen out of favour with criminals due to its heavy
usage by Del Boy Trotter, the character played by David Jason in the BBC comedy
series
Only Fools and Horses
.
If someone is described as
jammy
, it means that they are having a run of good luck or are
getting rewards they do
not truly deserve, as in âI see that jammy
bastard just won a grand on the lottery'.
See
Spawny
Jessie
or
Nancy
is old-fashioned slang for a man who is effeminate though not
necessarily homosexual, as in âWhat do you mean you don't like football? Are you
some kind of fucking Jessie?' To be labelled a Jessie or Nancy means that you're a
bit suspect and not to be trusted.
A
jockney
is a person of
Scottish origin who has spent too long in London and starts to talk with an accent
that is a mix of Scottish and London (cockney). The term is seen as offensive by
true Scots, but not as offensive as
sweaty
.
Many cockneys call anyone of Pakistani
origin a
Joe Daki
(rhyming slang). As far as I know, there was
never anybody whose name was Joe Daki; in that way, it's a bit like âJoe
Bloggs'.
A
Jules
is somebody who
is a little bit effeminate and not very bright, and comes from the 1960s BBC radio
show
Round the Horne
, with Kenneth Horne, in which Hugh Paddick and Kenneth
Williams play a couple of flamboyant homosexuals, Julian and Sandy.