The Criminal Alphabet (9 page)

See
Hedge
,
Jekyll
,
Swag
,
Toby

The sparkle
is pretty
much the same as
the snide game
, except it's a little bit more sophisticated. It still
involves selling fake jewellery to the
Tobys
, but first you supply
them with a real piece, usually a diamond ring, to convince them to part with big
money, maybe even going with them to a jeweller to have it valued. What the punter
doesn't know is that cheap, fake copies of it have been made. Just before the punter
hands over the cash the sparkle merchant makes the switch and the toby ends up with
a brass-and-paste ring. A version of this con is also played in legitimate jewellery
shops: the con man asks to look at an expensive item of jewellery and replaces it
with a fake as a colleague distracts the shopkeeper. An easy distraction con that
works every time if it is done well, this is known as ‘the switch'.

Another pretty common con that is worth
mentioning here is ‘the lost ring'. A woman pulls into a petrol station and starts
searching on the ground, looking for something. She goes up to the counter (having
made sure that everyone inside has seen her frantically searching) and says that
she's lost her diamond engagement ring. She tells the cashier, and whoever else may
be listening, that the ring is worth £12,000 and that she'll pay £5,000 in cash, no
questions asked, to whoever finds it. She then says that she has to go but will be
back in two days to see if her ring has been handed in. Later that day a young man
(the woman's partner in crime) goes into the petrol station with a fake
diamond ring, claiming to have found it by the pumps. The cashiers
know they can get five grand for it from the woman who lost it, so they offer to buy
it from him. He pretends to be dubious but says it looks like a nice diamond and he
might give it to his girlfriend. They offer him £3,000 cash, safe in the knowledge
that, even if the woman who lost the ring doesn't come back, it's worth £12,000. The
young man reluctantly takes the cash, the woman never comes back and the buyer is
left with a worthless piece of paste.

The sponsor game
is a
very simple con, usually played by kids or teenagers. It involves printing up forms
that say you will be swimming/running/walking, etc., a number of lengths or miles
for a well-known charity. The teenager then knocks on doors asking people to sponsor
them per lengths or mile, and after the proposed date of the sponsored event, enters
a number of lengths or miles on the form and goes back knocking on doors to collect
the loot.

See
On the Knocker

Swag
is the proceeds of
crime, or fake, shoddy or illegal goods sold to unsuspecting punters. The letters
stand for ‘Sold Without A Guarantee', and the term has long been a fixture in the
lexicon of the illegal street trader. It has also come into usage as an insult, as
in ‘That car you drive is a load of old swag' or ‘This meal is fucking swag'. Many
people who go
on the knocker
will be selling swag to unsuspecting
punters.

See
Have it
up!
,
Hedge
,
Toby

In recent years the reputation of the
British police force among the general public has become somewhat tarnished, to say
the least. Gone are those halcyon days of
bobbies
on bicycles,
armed only with a stout truncheon, of fine, upstanding men and women you could ask
for directions or even the time of day – the modern-day British
copper
is dressed in more body armour than RoboCop, barely steps outside of his
car or armoured vehicle, carries a sub-machine gun and is more likely to shoot you,
beat you up or plant evidence on you than give you the time of day. But even back in
the so-called good old days the police had a terrible reputation for violence,
bribery and corruption – though it was only really known by professional criminals,
hence the criminal motto (found on many a cell wall or tattooed villain) ‘All
Coppers Are Bastards' (or
ACAB
for short). Let's not be too
harsh on the boys in blue, though; the majority of police officers are still decent,
hardworking, honest people who do a great job.

When you take up crime as a profession
you will inevitably go up against the police at some stage – unless, that is, you
are some kind of ‘super-crook', a criminal genius who commits only perfect crimes. I
have never met or heard of such a crook, but then, I suppose if any did exist, by
definition no one ever would find them out! So, let's assume that the majority of
criminals are not super-crooks and will come to the attention of the police at some
point. The first thing you'll learn is that just as you, the criminal, do not play
by the rules, neither do the police. A law-abiding citizen might be quite shocked to
receive a few digs from a policeman, should they be unlucky or careless enough to
get arrested. They might also find it shocking when police
officers
blatantly lie on oath and rearrange the evidence to make you look guilty, or pull
you to one side and tell you that if you ‘make a contribution' (offer a bribe) the
worst of the evidence against you can ‘disappear'. But, to professional criminals,
that kind of behaviour from the police is standard and expected. Personally, I've
been more shocked when, on rare occasions, I've been dealt with by a ‘straight'
copper who is only interested in truth and justice.

I've had many dealings with the police
over the years and I feature very prominently on the PNC (Police National Computer),
but it always amuses me when I get stopped by uniformed officers for a ‘routine
check' when I'm walking or driving (usually around South London). They start off
politely enough – ‘Excuse me, sir, is this your car?' But when they run my details
through the PNC I suddenly cease to be ‘sir' and become ‘sunshine'! It's ‘All right,
sunshine. Where do you think you're going?'. It's amazing how the thin veneer of
respect shown by police to the ordinary man on the street leaches away when they
find out you have a criminal record. I've witnessed many incidents of corruption,
racism and brutality from the police over my three decades as a criminal, as well as
a great big dollop of stupidity.

Some years ago I was working a con
called the credit game, which involves using false ID to obtain goods from shops on
credit and having no intention to pay, and got arrested in possession of some false
ID by a uniformed officer from Earlsfield station. Before I was charged I was told
that the CID ‘wanted a word'. I was approached by a rather dapper CID sergeant who
told me that he knew from my record that I was involved in the
heavy
(armed robbery) and he was interested in ‘nicking some
blaggers' (armed robbers). He was obviously very ambitious and saw that nicking
people for serious crimes was his way up
the ladder. At first he
tried putting on the pressure, telling me that he knew I was
at it
and that the credit game was just a sideline. He intimated – in fact, insisted –
that because there was a trilby hat on the back seat of my car I was obviously out
on a ‘recce' to find places to rob, using the hat as a disguise. Notwithstanding the
fact that he was right, I casually denied it and laughed him off. He knew the
evidence against me was flimsy so, next, he offered inducement. If I were to give up
the names of a couple of likely lads who were at the heavy, he would make sure the
false ID charge disappeared – and there might even be a few quid in it for me! Not
wanting to ruin my chance of bail I told him I'd certainly give it some
consideration, though he'd have had more chance of growing another head than of
getting any information out of me. If I wouldn't name my accomplices at the Old
Bailey when facing eight life sentences, I certainly wasn't going to cough up names
in order to get bail on a petty false ID charge! But I strung him along, saying I'd
consider it and be in touch. As I was leaving the station he had an afterthought
that illustrates the casual corruption and racism of a lot of police in the 1980s.
‘Listen,' he says, ‘what would be ideal would be a couple of spade robbers, and if
we could catch them in the act, that would be great! Juries are more likely to
convict darkies with guns!' Then he gave me a big, shit-eating grin and walked back
into the station.

So, talking as a criminal, dealing with
the police is sometimes no different from dealing with other criminals.

100-yard hero
is how
police refer to anyone who shouts insults or obscenities at police cars or police
officers in the street, and implies, usually quite correctly, that the perpetrators
are not so mouthy up close. In some areas of the country it's the done thing to
shout insults at the police, especially on ‘problem' estates, where the police are
hate figures.

1664
is police code for
a female who looks sixteen years old from behind but sixty-four from the front.

See
Three Ns

ACAB
is an acronym for
the well-known and well-used criminal phrase ‘All Coppers Are Bastards'. It is often
seen as graffiti in prison, in police and court holding cells and it's also a tattoo
popular among young lawbreakers. The big problem with tattooing the legend ACAB on
to your body is that, whenever you're arrested, the police will check and record all
distinguishing marks, and this includes tattoos. Needless to say, they're never best
pleased to see their legitimacy called into question so indelibly, especially on the
flesh of someone they consider to be a
scrote
. At the very least,
you may ‘trip' several times on your way to the cells. Or, if you're under eighteen,
you might be given a ‘good clip around the ear' (a police euphemism for a good
kicking).

See the
Bizzies
,
Borstal dot
,
The Filth

On 15 December 1988 an armed robbery took
place at the main post office in Acton, West London, which was to have far-reaching
consequences for both the police and armed robbers. The four men, armed with
semi-automatic weapons, had been under police surveillance, and on this occasion the
Flying Squad were lying in ambush. At this time the Flying Squad were still using
the standard police-issue Smith & Wesson .38 five-shot revolver, despite having
repeatedly asked for an upgrade to bigger and better guns. The ambush turned into
something like the shoot-out at the OK Corral. Two police officers were shot, one in
the hand and the other in the leg, and officers then emptied their guns at the
robbers. One was shot several times but carried on running and firing his
semi-automatic pistol at the police. He was eventually brought down by an officer
who stepped from a doorway and hit him across the shins with a baseball bat.
Detective Sergeants Stephen Thomas and Alan Knapp, the injured officers, received
the George Medal in recognition of their bravery. Two of the robbers, Brian Beckford
and Andrew Clark, were convicted at the Old Bailey of robbery and shooting at a
police officer in 1989. The police used this to bolster their case for more
effective firepower and, in the early 1990s, the Flying Squad were issued with
semi-automatic weapons.

AFO
is a police acronym
for Authorized Firearms Officer. The AFO is the policeman who is going to shoot you
if called on to do so. Back in the 1980s and early '90s there was a unit of firearms
officers known as PT17, but, after a few well-publicized police shootings, they
changed their
name to SO19 (Special Operations 19). I was told by a
Flying Squad sergeant that SO19 were all ‘trigger-happy bastards who spend their
down time dribbling over Rambo movies' – and this was from a man who had shot dead
at least two armed robbers himself! There were also AFOs in the Regional Crime
Squads (RCS) and Flying Squad, officers who were designated carriers and authorized
users of firearms in the event that SO19 were unavailable. These days, there are a
lot more armed police on our streets and, instead of five-shot Smith & Wessons,
they're carrying more weaponry than most Third World dictatorships.

This is a phrase used by the police to
describe anyone who has escaped from custody; it means that the suspect is out in
the community but is being actively sought. Being ‘unlawfully
at large
' is a criminal offence, usually preceded by an escape from prison
or police custody.

Bananas
was the nickname
for a notorious police squad also known as the SPG (Special Patrol Group), which had
a reputation for violence, brutality and corruption in London from the 1960s up
until the '90s. SPG officers were said to be yellow, bent and to hang around in
bunches, hence the moniker. There is a strong suspicion that the SPG were
responsible for the death of schoolteacher Blair Peach at a demonstration in
Southall in 1979. Mr Peach died from head injuries received during an anti-racism
protest against the National Front.

A
battle taxi
is any
police vehicle used to transport riot-squad officers to an incident or protest; the
name derives from the the fact that these officers will be hyped up and ready to
face ‘the enemy'. Some officers revel in the police force having a combative image
and all the paraphernalia, and like nothing better than steaming into a load of
protesting students or teachers; it gets their blood up, especially as they are
kitted out with shields, batons and protective clothing and the ‘enemy' is not.
Quite a large minority of police officers join up specifically for this kind of
action.

A
batty squad
is a
police motorcycle squad that speeds through the streets on powerful motorbikes. To
other police officers the motorcycle squads seem a bit batty (mad or stupid) for
choosing the relative dangers of two wheels over the safer four-wheeled police
vehicles.

In Liverpool the police are commonly
known as the
bizzies
, because they make themselves ‘busy' around
criminal activities.

See
Dibble

This is Northern Irish slang for the
Royal Ulster Constabulary (now called the PSNI – Police Service of Northern Ireland)
who wore black uniforms and were
widely hated by the Catholic
nationalist minority in Ulster for their suspected collusion with loyalist
paramilitary organizations. The vast majority of RUC officers were Protestants,
which did little to foster good relations between the two sides of the
community.

Police officers call traffic police
black rats
, partly because of the black uniform they wear,
partly because they're seen to be in a ‘cushy number', away from any real danger,
and partly because they don't give any leeway to fellow officers, on or off duty,
who they stop for driving offences. It's become a point of pride for traffic cops
not to discriminate in favour of their colleagues, and it is widely rumoured within
police ranks that a traffic cop would nick their own crippled mother for having a
broken rear light.

Blues and twos
are the
lights and sirens used when a police vehicle is rushing to the scene of a crime or
accident to warn pedestrians and other vehicles that the police vehicle is coming
through at speed. ‘Blues' are the flashing blue lights on top of the vehicle and
‘twos' is the two-tone siren. Despite the use of blues and twos, there have been
cases of pedestrians being hit by police vehicles. In the 1970s, the police called
the siren and lights ‘late for teas', as their use was fairly unregulated and
coppers would employ them any time they were in a hurry – to get past traffic jams
or when they were late for tea.

A
bobby
is a policeman,
named after the founder of the police, Sir Robert Peel. It's a very middle-class,
middle-England word and not much favoured by the modern criminal, who prefers
the filth
or
rozzers
or, in the case of some
youngsters, ‘the feds'.

See
The Filth
,
Peelers
,
Rozzers

Bogey
is an
old-fashioned word for a police detective and was extensively used by villains in
the 1940s and '50s. Some of the people I've spoken to say it's a reference to the
Hollywood actor Humphrey Bogart, also known as Bogey, because British detectives at
one point adopted his style of dress – the fedora hat and raincoat. But another
definition of ‘bogey' is something that worries or annoys, and it's certainly true
that the police will worry or annoy criminals. It's a case of pay your money and
take your choice.