The Dark Angels: Tied Together (21 page)

“Thanks.” Robin’s tension seemed to ease and his tongue loosened. “It’s a bit scary to, you know, want that stuff. With Darius doing the same stuff I felt like less of a freak…”

“You are so not a freak. You’re so beautiful when you let me give you what you need.”

“You’re what I need,” Robin whispered as he rolled into Josh’s arms.

“Then give yourself to me. All the time.”

“But…”

“But what? So what we grew up together and have the same last name. Why does that matter so fucking much? Because, people won’t like it? I don’t fucking care! We don’t need to flaunt it. Outside The Dark Angels who do we hang out with? It’s not like we have a ton of friends. As long we have each other and our music, what else do we need?”

“I don’t know.” Robin looked concerned and more than a little confused. He rolled away from Josh. “I need to think.”

“Robin…” Josh failed to keep the hurt out of his voice.
Here
we fucking go again! What is there to think about? You either love me or you
don’t!
“Please, Robby.”

Robin peeked at Josh over his shoulder. “Let me have some time.” He was standing and dressing before Josh even had a chance to respond.

Josh just lay there wishing the bed would swallow him up.

He wanted to rewind time. He felt like he was screwing this up if only he could take back some words. Some pressure. But he couldn’t go back to how things were. Not after last night and this morning. This was how life should be. But Robin was walking away…again.

Josh felt the despair washing over him as he heard the apartment door shut. A tear rolled down his face as he started to laugh. He just realized he had to go to the bathroom and had no hands.

“Asshole. Just put it on a plate and cut it up.” Josh knew he shouldn’t be snapping at the man who brought him food, but he was upset and beyond frustrated with the lack of hands. The fact that he didn’t know where Robin had gone for the last few hours wasn’t making his mood any brighter.

“Wow, man. Take it down a notch.” Dusty did as requested.

“You could have called one of the assistants if you didn’t want my help. You are a rock star, you know.”

“I didn’t want to deal with them.”

Dusty grinned. “So deal with me and stop bitching.” Then he poked a piece of hamburger and bun with a fork holding it out to Josh, “Here comes the chew-chew train. Chew chew. Open up.” His voice was high and sing songy as he bugged the hell out of Josh.

Josh didn’t know whether to slap him or punch him. After smelling a whiff of the greasy burger and fries he opened up for the chew-chew. “Mmmmm, fuck that’s good,” Josh mumbled more to himself than Dusty.

“The plane is coming in for a landing. Open up the hanger,”

Dusty said in the same high pitched voice saved for children.

Josh rolled his eyes. “You do know I am not two-years-old right?”

Dusty cracked up. He clearly enjoyed tormenting Josh. “Yeah, man. Force of habit I guess.” Josh knew he grew up taking care of his younger brothers, so his experience involved turning spoonfuls of food into airplanes and trains.

Stopping himself from asking what habit he was referring to Josh changed the subject. “So, what’s it like outside?”

Looking around, Dusty asked, “Where’s Robin?”

“Out.” Josh hoped he sounded normal. “Is it cold?”

Dusty fed him some fries and moved the soda closer to him so he could suck it down with a straw. “Out? You said that before but it doesn’t really tell me anything.” Dusty said in annoyance.

“What?” Josh was getting pissed. “He went out. He is an adult you know.”

Dusty held up his hands. “Dude, relax. I just asked. I mean, it’s weird. I would have expected him to be here.” Dusty fed him the rest of the food.

Josh looked away and tried to take interest in the photographs they had hung up of their various trips. He tried to change his frown to something neutral but that seemed pretty impossible.

Sitting back, Dusty just watched him silently. Josh looked at him and tried not to feel like he was being analyzed. The stare seemed to intensify and Josh felt like he was being opened up for an organ examination.

“What?”

“What?” Dusty asked as if he didn’t know he was staring and seeing much more than he should.

“What? You’re the one who’s staring,” Josh exclaimed completely exasperated with the conversation. Maybe starving to death would have been better.

“You know I’m here if you need to talk.” Dusty sat forward as if he were waiting for Josh to spill his guts.

“Thanks,” Josh grumbled realizing he really did appreciate Dusty’s friendship.

“About anything.” Dusty stared at him and it was clear where this line of discussion was going.

“And by anything, you mean Robin?” Josh may only have gotten his GED but he wasn’t stupid.

“Yeah.” Dusty tossed a hunk of his long blond hair over his shoulder. He shook his head and sighed as if he could feel some of the pain Josh was in.

Josh had never really said anything to Dusty about his relationship with Robin. He knew Dusty got second hand information from Angel about the time they had spent with him and their more recent gathering after Darius’s birthday bash. But the guy never said a thing.

“It has to be tough.” Dusty’s hair slid back over his shoulders again as he leaned towards Josh. “You know we all support you guys, right? Regardless. Whatever. You know?”

Josh smiled at Dusty realizing how much hearing the words meant. “Maybe you should tell that to Robin.”

“Why?”

“This morning I sort of…” Josh inhaled. What the hell had he done exactly? “I might have given him an ultimatum.”

Dusty sat back and arched his eyebrow over his green eyes.

“Really. Why now?”

Josh sighed with a frown. “’Cause this sucks. You know? I mean he’s it for me. I don’t want to wait for special occasions to have him. Or when his urges overwhelm him; I want him all the time.”

“Understandable, but Robin said he didn’t want that?” Josh loved the disbelief in Dusty’s question. It gave him cause for hope.

Josh shrugged. “He said he needed time to think.”

“Dude, you know I like Robin. Great guy, but the boy likes to think things through.” Josh opened his mouth but Dusty raised a finger to stop him. “Even things he knows. When things are changing he likes to take a step back and take a good long look.”

Josh nodded. He knew Dusty wasn’t telling him anything he didn’t know already. It just sucked!

“Give him a chance to think about
things.
” Dusty grinned.

“He loves you, man. Give him time to process.”

“Yeah,” Josh begrudgingly said.

“Come on.” Dusty picked up the plastic covers that would protect his bandages against water. “I ain’t going to shower you.”

Dusty laughed. “I’ll let Robin wash and tend to all your nooks and crannies, but I can help you get in a bath. You still smell of the bar from last night and that bitch’s cigarette.”

Josh was going to reject the idea but after his time sitting down to go pee and trying to pull up his sleep pants, he figured he would take any help he could get. “Thanks, dude.”

Within a few minutes, Dusty had settled him into the garden tub with the plastic protectors on his mits. He held up his hands and looked at them. “Feels like I have condoms on my arms.”

“Well, I ain’t bending over for an anal probe so take that out of your mind,” Dusty teased.

Not to be outdone, Josh gave it right back to him. “You know, Angel is right. You are obsessed with gay sex. It’s anal this and probe that. I personally think it is something you need to look into.”

Dusty’s mouth dropped open for a moment to look at Josh.

He frowned as he was clearly trying to think of a comeback. He shrugged. “You know I could drown you quite easily.”

Josh’s laugh barked out. “Hey, wash my hair. It is so itchy and I have no freaking fingers at the moment.”

“Yeah. I am your drummer not your manservant.”

Josh frowned at him. “Come on, man. Help me out,” Josh begged a little.

The final straw was when Josh held up his bandaged hands looking for sympathy. “Fine. As you wish, Lord Dumbass.

Lean back you jackass and I will wash your hair.” Dusty sighed dramatically as if he were truly put out by it. He dumped shampoo and scrubbed.

Josh laughed. “On the left hand side, above the ear. Yeah.

Right there.”

“Should I be looking for lice?” Dusty chuckled as he scrubbed with his fingertips.

“Only when you look at your pubic hair.”

Dusty cuffed him in the back of his head. “Dude, so not cool.” But then he laughed spoiling his irritation. Dusty asked as he washed Josh’s hair, “So when did you know you were gay?”

Josh’s head cocked to one side. “Why is everyone obsessed with labels? Truth is I don’t know what the fuck I am.”

“Huh? Are you bi like Dare?”

Josh laughed. “I don’t think anyone is bi like Dare.”

Dusty joined him in the chuckle. “Yeah, that boy refuses labels in a major way.”

Nodding, Josh agreed. “But why do we force people to choose? Who the hell cares? As long as you get a say in your own genitals it shouldn’t matter.” Coming down off of his soapbox, he shrugged. “I don’t know what I am. Seriously, I have always been attracted to Robin. Not really anyone else.”

“Ever?” Dusty was more than a little surprised by that admission.

“Ever… I mean I can appreciate attractive people, but I don’t feel the desire to be with them. If that makes any sense…” Josh was pretty sure it didn’t.

“But you were with Angel and Darius,” Dusty pointed out trying to understand.

“Yeah, but Robin was there. I was focusing on him. His reactions to… everything.”

“Interesting.”

“What?” Josh wanted to know.

“Just thinking of our game of Truth or Dare. Darius said he wasn’t gay. You’re saying you don’t know if you’re gay, just that you just want Robin.” Dusty took the handheld showerhead and sprayed out the soap from Josh’s hair. “Maybe people shouldn’t have to be pushed into a category. Maybe sexuality is more fluid.

There a number of studies on this issue.” Josh watched Dusty drift away in his own thoughts until he said, “I wonder if there is just a predisposition that some people are more open to same sex relationships even if they wouldn’t consider themselves gay.

And what is gay?”

Josh scrunched his face up. “Why does it matter?”

Dusty seemed lost in his own head again. “Huh? Oh, I don’t know; I just find it interesting. Someone should do another study on…” Dusty’s eyes refocused on Josh.

Josh, used to Dusty going off on an intellectual foray, simply waited until it was done.

Laughing when he realized he had lost Josh a while back, Dusty smiled at him, “Okay, stand up and I will turn on the shower so you can get the soap off of you.”

“Thanks.” Josh struggled to his feet. Once he was done, he soon found himself wrapped in his terry cloth robe to soak up the water and Dusty was using a towel to dry his hair.

Josh grinned at Dusty. “You are going to make a great dad someday.”

Dusty’s eyes went wide with surprise. “What?” He glared at Josh. “Right. I am not that old. I am just a great older brother.”

Josh burst out with laughter. “Yeah, right. You only act like you’re ancient.” He sobered a moment. “But seriously, thanks.”

Dusty smirked. “Just called me Nurse Wretched.”

“Is it time for my enema?”

Dusty pointed a finger at Josh. “See. It’s not me! It’s everyone else! You are looking for the anal probe.”

“See, there you go bringing up an anal probe!” Josh said with all the love he felt for the guy. “Fuck you.”

“As I tell Angel all the time, I don’t want to make your better half jealous!”

Josh’s grin got bigger. He loved that Dusty referred to Robin as his better half. He really hoped that would be the case. “I really hope so.”

Dusty’s eyes sparkled with mirth. “That I would fuck you or that Robin would be jealous?” He cracked up at his own joke.

Dusty ran a brush through Josh’s wet hair.

“Dumb ass!” Josh couldn’t hold back the laugh that erupted from deep inside. “No, that Robin would be my other half.”

“Better half, dude.” Dusty shook his head, “Again, fuck you.”

“Again, no thank you,” Dusty quipped. Then he got serious for a moment. “Give him time. It’s a lot to deal with.”

“Yeah, I know. But for me it’s not. So…”

Dusty shook his head. “With everything you guys have been through it’s no wonder he has trust issues. You know when Angel wanted Dare, he basically told him and showed him how it would be.”

“So you think I should
force
him?”

“Josh, you wouldn’t be forcing him to do anything. More like guiding him. Angel said…” Dusty stopped talking when he realized what he was saying.

“What did he say?” Josh wanted to know because obviously Angel was handling Darius better then he was handling Robin.

Shrugging, Dusty finished his thought. “Look, Robin is clearly a bit on the subby side. Angel said you were a bit alpha with him and he practically creamed himself just from your voice.” Dusty snorted, letting it be known what he thought of that. “So just give him what he needs…”

“I have been thinking the same thing but I don’t want to force him or push him into something.” Josh admitted where his thoughts kept circling.

“Not forcing…”

Josh nodded his head. “Taking control would give him the security he seems to need.”

Dusty shrugged as he reasoned, “Then maybe he’ll let go of the ‘brother’ bullshit excuse that he uses to keep you at a distance.

Though I doubt our fans will let it go. They seem to simply ignore the fact that you aren’t related.”

Sighing, Josh’s frustration came out in his tone. “Tell me about it. You know how much those fan fictions used to hurt his feelings?”

Dusty exhaled. “Yeah, I know.” They exited the bathroom.

Josh went to sit on the sofa and Dusty got them some bottles of water. He remembered that Josh needed a straw and snagged the one in his empty soda cup.

“Got any favorites?” Dusty brought in a pill. “Take just half a dose. The doctor said it would keep down any swelling and pain.”