The Dark Shore (21 page)

6

When Sarah awoke it was dim and she could see that there was a white mist swirling outside the window beyond the chink in the curtains. She stirred. Memory returned suddenly in sickening flashes of consciousness, and even as she reached for him instinctively, Jon was pulling her close to him and burying his face in her hair as he kissed her.

“How are you feeling?”

She pressed against him, savoring his nearness and her own security. “Jon
...
Jo
n...”

“We’re leaving with Justin after breakfast,” he said. “Then as soon as we get to London we’re flying home to Canada. I’ll explain later how Max and Marijohn are going to cope with the police—you don’t have to worry about anything at all.”

She put her hand to his face and traced the outline of his jaw as she kissed him on the mouth.

“I love you,” he said in between her kisses, and his voice was unsteady so that it didn’t sound like his voice at all. “Do you hear? I love, love, love you, and you’re never never going to have to go through anything like this again.”

“Will we come back to England?” she murmured. The question didn’t seem very important somehow but she had a feeling it should nevertheless be asked.

“No,” he said, his voice firm and positive again. “Never.”

“Oh.” She sighed, half-wondering why she had no feeling of sadness. “We must find time to say good-bye to your mother before we leave,” she said as an afterthought. “I feel sorry for her in some ways. I’m sure she’ll miss Justin terribly.”

“She’ll get over it.” His mouth was hardening again. “Like most beautiful women she’s egocentric enough to care for no one deeply except herself.”

“That’s nonsense, Jonny, and you know it!” She felt almost cross. “It’s obvious to any outsider that she cares very deeply for you—no, I don’t care what you say! I know I’m right! We must invite her out to Canada to visit us. She’s got plenty of money so she’ll be able to come whenever she likes. And anyway I think Justin should have the opportunity to keep in touch with his grandmother—after all, she brought him up, didn’t she? In spite of the row they had when you offered him the job in Canada, I’m sure he must be very fond of her. Before we fly back to Canada we must call on her and arrange something.”

Jon’s mouth was still a hard stubborn line. “Sarah—”

She slipped her hand behind his head and pressed his face to hers to kiss the stubbornness from his expression. “Please, Jon!”

The victory came in less than five seconds. She felt him relax, saw his eyes soften, felt his mouth curve in a smile, and she knew then for the first time that there would be no more dread of the Distant Mood, no more tension and worry because she did not understand or could not cope with his changes of humor. When he bent over her a moment later and she felt the love in every line of his frame flow into hers, she knew he would never again belong to anyone else except her.

Epilogue

When they had all gone and she was alone in the still quiet house, Marijohn sat down at the desk in the drawing-room and took a clean sheet of notepaper and a pen.

She sat thinking for a long while. It was very peaceful. Outside the sky was blue and the stream rushed past the waterwheel at the end of the drive.

She dipped her pen in the ink.

“
My darling Jon
,”
she wrote quickly at last with firm, resolute strokes of the pen.
“
By the time you read this, you will be home in Canada in the midst of your new life. I know there’s so much for you there, more now than ever before, as both Sarah and Justin will be with you and in time Sarah will have children of her own. I want you to know first and foremost how glad I am about this, because almost more than anything else on Earth I want you to be happy and to lead a rich, full, worthwhile life.

“I
have decided to go back to the only world I think I could ever live in now, the world of Anselm’s Cross—or of any convent anywhere. I did think of avoiding this by traveling abroad, Jon, just as you suggested, but I don’t think I would find peace abroad any more than I would find peace here at Clougy.

“When I look back I can see how clearly the fault was mine. In a way, it was I who killed Sophia and I who killed Michael and I who almost killed Sarah. I ruined Michael’s life and very nearly yours as well. You could forgive me for both I expect, but I know you’ll never really forgive me for what happened to Sarah that night. Max always said
you
were the one who was the constant source of danger to everyone around you, but he was wrong. I was the source of danger, not you. Everything I touch seems to turn into a disaster. If you’re honest with yourself you
’ll
see that as clearly as I see it now.

“You did talk when we parted of perhaps seeing me again in the very distant future, but Jon darling, I know you so well and I know when you’re lying to save me pain. I shall never see you again, not because you think it’s better for us to be apart or because you owe it to Sarah or for any other noble reason, but because you
don’t want
t
o s
ee
me—because you know, just as I know, that it was through me that Sarah was nearly killed and your second marriage nearly wrecked as utterly as your first, and you never want to run the risk of that happening again. I don
’
t blame you; in a way, the knowledge that I’ll never see you again helps me to see more clearly which course I now have to take.

“I’ve just three things left to say. Don’t pity me, don’t blame yourself, and don’t ever try to communicate with me, even out of kindness, in the years to come.

“
All my love, darling, now and always, and all the happiness you could ever wish for,

“Your own, Marijohn”