The Darlings (38 page)

I hate being here
, Merrill thought. The thought surprised her, but the truth of it felt like an immense relief. She wanted to turn and walk out the door without a word, and just keep walking and walking until she reached the safety of her own apartment.

“Neil called,” Ines announced to no one in particular. “He's on his way over to talk to us.”

“About what?” Merrill said. She glanced at Lily and Adrian, but they had returned to reading a newspaper that was open between them. Merrill tried to read the headline upside down but couldn't, then decided that she didn't want to know what it said, anyway. She wondered how long they had been there.

“About everything!” Ines exclaimed, impatient. “We all have to be
prepared
. There's going to be a lot of attention on us now. There needs to be a
plan
, not just for your father but for
the family
. All right? It's not something we want to do, I understand, but it's something we
have
to do.” She blinked expectantly, her eyebrows raised in a business-as-usual fashion.

“I see,” Merrill said uncomfortably. “Do we have to do this now?”

Ines frowned. “You're here now.”

“I know, but I'd really like to get home and see Paul. It's been a long day.” Merrill turned to stare at her father, daring him to meet her gaze. Instead, he looked at Ines.

“Let her go, Ines,” he said. “If she wants to go, let her go.”

“Dad—” Lily started, but he held up his hand, cutting her off.

“I know this has been incredibly hard on you,” he said. “I'm so, so very sorry. I can't express how sorry I am. I will try, every day, to win your trust back. All of you. But I realize that is going to take time. Right now, though, I think we might all need a little rest. So I'm going to go lie down until Neil comes. Girls, stay and talk to Neil now, if you like, or go home and we can talk tomorrow, whatever you prefer.” He closed his eyes, and took a long breath. Talking seemed to tire him. His rib cage shuddered as he breathed.

Then he covered his eyes with his hand and shook his head slowly back and forth, as though he simply couldn't bear the sight of any of them. Outside, the sun shifted back and forth between the fast-moving clouds, casting long shadows across the room. It was that strange time of day, the witching hour between afternoon and evening. Soon, it would be time to turn the lights on in the apartment, but for now they remained off, the dark wood bookshelves absorbing most of the afternoon light.

Ines still hadn't said a word to him; Carter went over to her but she remained seated, her arms drawn up across her chest. He didn't try to touch her, but simply knelt at her feet like a supplicant, his arms propped on the armrest of her chair. Her head turned slowly. Finally, her eyes met his. “I just need a rest,” he said quietly. She nodded mutely, and then looked away again.

Ines and her children sat together until he was gone and they heard the distant sound of a bedroom door closing.

“Are you going to stay?” Lily said meekly to Merrill, after a moment. She let her head slump against Adrian's shoulder. He cast his arm protectively around her.

“No,” Merrill said firmly. “Look, I'm sorry, you guys. But I've been up since five. I need to get home to Paul.”

Lily nodded. “Call me later?”

“Of course.”

Ines rose to her feet.

I'm leaving
, Merrill thought.
Even if she wants me to stay, I'm leaving
. She winced as Ines came over to her.
She's going to insist. She's going to wheedle and plead and I just can't give in . . .

Ines reached out her hand. “Can I walk you out?” was all she said.

“Sure,” Merrill said. She breathed a sigh of relief and extended her hand to meet her mother's. “I love you guys,” she said to Lily and Adrian before turning to go.

“We love you!” Lily called.

When they reached the front door, Ines said, “How's Paul?”

“He's all right. Well, I think he is. I'll go home and check.”

Ines nodded. “You should.”

Then Ines began to cry, tears sliding down her cheeks. The tears caused her makeup to run, and her skin grew mottled, streaked with mascara and wet bronzer. A strand of hair had slipped from her bun. Merrill reached for it, intending to tuck it back behind her ear. Instead, she ended up with her mother in her arms.

“Oh, Mom,” Merrill said, as she embraced Ines. “Oh, Mom.”

“I don't know how I got here,” Ines whispered. She clung to her daughter. Her voice was muffled against Merrill's sweater. “I spent my whole life with your father. I put
everything I had
into our life together. And now it's just gone, like nothing at all. I know this is all his fault. I know I should probably get the hell out of here, just leave him to deal with this nightmare he's created. But where will I go? I have nowhere to go. And I know it's crazy but I just can't lose him now. He's all I have. It's just too much, losing your father, on top of everything else . . .”

Merrill rocked her mother's body, as though she were lulling a baby to sleep. Her chin could almost rest on the top of Ines's head. “Shhh,” she said gently. “Shhh.” She closed her eyes and thought how upsetting Lily would be to Ines right now. She hoped to God Lily couldn't hear them.

“Will you ever forgive him?” Ines said after a minute. “I don't know if I can. Will you?”

Merrill's first impulse was to soothe, to reassure, to offer an
of course I will, Mom
and a kind smile, but the words got stuck in her throat. “I don't know, Mom,” she said. “I think we need to take this one day at a time.”

Ines held her daughter at arm's length, and examined her with an appraising eye. She smiled, then she squeezed Merrill's hands tightly before releasing them.

“All right.” She sniffed back the last of her tears. “ Thank you for coming over. It was so good to see you. I'm so proud of you, Merrill, I really am. You're just handling everything so well.”

“I love you, Mom.”

Ines stood on tiptoe and kissed Merrill on the forehead. “I love you, too,” she breathed.

As Ines turned back toward the living room, she looked back over her shoulder and flashed Merrill the thousand-watt smile that she always offered the cameras. Her high cheekbones and straight Roman nose cut a fine profile against the fading light from the windows behind. Even now, haggard and pale, Ines was defiantly beautiful. She lifted her chin.

“You take care of Paul,” she said slowly, “and let him take care of you.” And then Ines was gone, leaving Merrill to let herself quietly out of the apartment.

At home, Paul had a fire going in the fireplace.

“Ooh,” Merrill breathed when she entered the apartment. Her eyes stung from the cold night air. “That feels delicious.”

Paul looked up from the couch where he had been reading. The gentle flicker of the flames had lulled him into a sleepy, peaceful state. On the coffee table was a glass of Merlot and a bowl of popcorn. The room felt warm and bright and welcoming.

“Hi,” he said, smiling up at her. “Glad you're home.”

“Thank you,” she said, collapsing beside him. She didn't bother to take off her coat. Instead, she nuzzled into him, covering his chin and then his mouth with small kisses.

“Would you like some wine?” he said once she was done. He handed her his glass.

“That would be heavenly. What a day.” She took a grateful sip, then paused to kick her shoes off onto the carpet.

Paul touched her cheek. His warm fingers felt good against her cold skin. “How did it go?”

She shrugged. “You know. Long. Awful. He's out on bail.”

“Was there a lot of press?”

“Yeah. Neil says it will be a complete media circus by tomorrow.”

“Was your mom there?”

“No, just me at the arraignment. Honestly, the courthouse was pretty overwhelming. I'm glad Lily wasn't there. I think it would have been really upsetting for her. I went over to the apartment afterward, with Dad. Mom's home. Lily and Adrian were there, too.”

Paul nodded. “
You should have called
,” he started to say, “
I would've have been there for you
.” But instead he stayed silent, reflecting on the realization that he might never again be welcome in Carter Darling's house, and it was possible, too, that Carter Darling might never be welcome in his.

“I just wanted to get home to you,” she offered, as though she could hear his thoughts. They sat together for a few minutes, quietly staring into the amber glow of the fire. The heat began to sink into her flesh, relaxing her muscles one by one.

“Have you spoken to David today?” she asked.

“I did. His resignation was front-page news. I saved it for you; it's in the kitchen. There'll be a press conference tomorrow. He sounded relieved. Tired, but relieved.” Paul was going to tell her about Jane Hewitt's arrest, which had dominated the 5 o'clock news, but then thought better of it; Merrill looked pained whenever she heard the name Jane Hewitt.

“Did he say anything about you?”

Paul laughed. “Only that I should start looking for a new job.” He put his hand reassuringly on her thigh and squeezed. “No, he said not to worry and that I should focus on taking care of you.”

“That's kind.” Merrill sat up on the couch and stripped off her coat. After a minute, she said, “You know who e-mailed me this morning? Eduardo. He saw the news and he wanted to make sure we were okay. He asked if there was anything he could do.”

“He's a good guy.”

“It'll be interesting to see who our friends are now.”

“Don't think that way.”

She shrugged. “Remember the job he offered you with Trion?”

“What about it?”

“Would you take it now, if he offered it to you again?”

Paul raised an eyebrow in surprise. He put his wineglass down on the table. “I honestly don't know,” he said, after a moment's hesitation. He leaned forward and kissed her, his lips lingering against her cheek. “Listen, we're going to be okay, honey. You'll see. I'll find a job in New York.”

“I know you will. But maybe New York's not the right place for us now.” She smiled. The corners of her eyes crinkled from fatigue. Her voice shook a little, but there was a certain hopeful strength to it. “It will always be home, but . . .” She trailed off, unable to finish the thought.

“I don't know,” Paul said gently. “A lot's going to change now, honey. You might want to be somewhere familiar.”

“I'm not so sure New York's going to feel all that familiar from now on,” she said, and sighed.

Paul paused. She was right, of course. Tomorrow, New York would feel like a different city altogether. Doors would not swing open so easily for them anymore. The stack of invitations on their hall table would thin; the hall itself might look different, a more modest entrance to a more modest home. They would take different routes now, avoiding certain places. The courthouse, the Seagram Building, the fourth floor of MoMA. Morty's town house, most of all. Perhaps it would be sold, its bright red door repainted and the stag's head knocker removed. But it would always be a haunted place for them, and if they were ever to take a turn up Seventy-seventh Street, it would come upon them like a dark wind, stopping them dead in their tracks, stirring up memories that lay dormant just below the surface.

Tomorrow, they would no longer be the Darlings of New York.

“What are you thinking?” Merrill asked nervously.

“I'm thinking I love you, and that we both need some sleep.”

She nodded, her shoulders deflating slightly. “I know. I'm exhausted.” The fire had burned down to a few final embers. She poured the last of the wine into Paul's glass and took a sip. “I just want today to be over.”

“Okay,” he said definitively. Paul rose and extended his hand, pulling her onto her feet. She smiled for the first time in what seemed like a long time. “Off we go,” he said.

When he laid her down on the bed, she closed her eyes and breathed deeply.
The sheets were fresh
, she thought.
He must have changed them during the afternoon
. She felt him gently pull off her suit, her underwear, even the rubber band from her hair until she was naked. Outside, she could hear the far-off hum of the traffic on Park Avenue. Her head was swimming with fatigue. It had barely touched the pillow when she felt herself drift off into a shallow sleep.