The Date (Single Wide Female in Love #1) (11 page)

“Who are you to lecture me on love?” I laughed a little to soften my words. But I meant them. I was annoyed that Max couldn’t be happy for me.
 

“I’m not lecturing you, Sammy. I just—I don’t know—I just think you should give it a little more time.”
 

I sighed and closed my eyes. Max usually knew me better than I knew myself. Maybe he was seeing something that I wasn’t.
 

“Alright, I’ll give it more time. I don’t even know if Ben wants to be exclusive.”
 

“Good. Sammy, you know I only want what’s best for you. You know that, right?”
 

“I do.” My heart filled with warmth.

I did know that Max loved me in a sacred way that no one else would.
 

After I hung up with him, I decided that I needed to clear my head and my spirit. I hadn’t been to meditation class in a long time. I thought it might help me get more clarity on my situation.

Luckily, I knew of one group that met that night. I was so caught up in listening to so many opinions that I could no longer hear my own.

I changed into something more comfortable and decided to try to write for a bit.

Chapter 25

When I arrived at the meditation class, the group was already seated. It was awkward to pick my way carefully between people and legs—some of which resembled pretzels—and attempt not to disturb those that were already chanting. Once I found an empty space I settled in.

All around me, I heard the breaths that people were drawing in and then releasing. It reminded me to breathe as well. I needed to calm my mind—to sort through all of the worries that had been thrust upon me—and all of the hurt. It had been some time since I’d heard that clear, still voice inside of me.

As the layers of my daily life began to fall away from my thoughts, images surfaced in my mind. There was an image of Max and the way he’d looked at me when he called himself dangerous, and then an image of Spence as he sought a kiss I wasn’t ready for. Both ignited a different type of passion within me.

With Max, it was all longing—a deep desperation along with a hint of sadness, because I would never truly experience the desire I felt for him. With Spence, it was pure primal need—a need to be drawn into wild euphoria without thought for consequences.

As those two images subsided, there was a ripple of blue light. It didn’t need a face or even a name. It caressed me on the inside. It touched my deepest emotions. It awakened an urge to blend energies. I recognized it and it recognized me…on a metaphysical level.

I opened my eyes with a jolt to find everyone in the room staring at me, including the man who was running the class. I assumed from the intense visuals that I’d experienced that I had fallen asleep and perhaps begun snoring. However, the flushed cheeks and mildly horrified expressions concerned me.
 

“Are you okay?” A woman beside me reached out and touched my wrist.
 

“I’m sorry. Did I fall asleep?”
 

My question was met with silence. A few people looked in my direction but quickly looked away. I wondered what I’d done to draw so much attention and elicit such a strange reaction.

The woman beside me leaned close and whispered in my ear. “Do you do guided meditations? Because I’d love to go on that journey with you.”
 

“What?” I frowned. “What exactly are you talking about?” My heart started to beat just a little faster than normal as I waited for her response, but I didn’t have time to press her for more information before the class instructor was interrupting our conversation.

“Class, sometimes when we have a deeply moving spiritual experience, it awakens all aspects of us—spiritual, emotional, and sexual.” He looked right at me.

My eyes widened. Was I being sexually harassed by a meditation teacher?

“It’s perfectly natural to experience your urges intensified by the connection to the universe. I’m sure that it was very liberating for you, Samantha, wasn’t it?”
 

No. No. I refused to believe it.
 

“I don’t know.” I frowned. “I thought I fell asleep.”
 

“You were groaning like a beast!” Someone in the back of the room finally revealed the truth to me.
 

“I was not!” I stood up. “I think I would know if I was.”

 
“We all heard it.” Another man grinned at me.
 

My face was hot. “I’m sorry if I interrupted you.”

I tried to get past the folded legs that surrounded me. Every step I took seemed to lead to another appendage to trip over. I was nearly to the door when someone nearby decided to stretch out their legs. I caught my foot beneath their calf and face-planted into the pretzeled legs of the meditation teacher.
 

“Oh, well, that was unexpected.” He cleared his throat—which in the meditation world was akin to screaming in horror.
 

I jumped up and nearly fell back over a woman who’d leaned forward in an attempt to catch me. I managed to catch my balance and did a little pirouette right out the door of the classroom.

Once outside, I laughed with embarrassment but also with relief.

I had my answer.

I needed that passion in my life. My body craved it, as did my spirit.

The question was, could I have it with Ben?

I realized that during the meditation Ben hadn’t even entered my thoughts. Maybe the problem was that I had too many romantic loose ends roaming around in my mind.

There was Max, who I’d come to understand would always be there in some way. Then there was Blue, who, despite our rocky relationship lately, apparently stirred the deepest desire in me. No wonder I felt no spark with Ben. There wasn’t any left for him!

As I walked back to my apartment, I made a decision. Before I could move forward with Ben, I needed to end things with Blue.

Chapter 26

I sat in front of the computer for what felt like hours. Really, it was probably more like twenty minutes. I agonized over exactly what I wanted to say to Blue. I didn’t want to give him false hope or set myself up for another disappointment.

I took a deep breath and remembered the way I’d experienced the sensation of him during my meditation. This wasn’t just an e-mail, it was a letter to perhaps the only man that would ever make me feel that way.
 

Dear Blue,
 

I mean that. You are dear to me in ways I can’t begin to explain.

You don’t deserve another chance. You have hurt me with what I can only assume has been a manipulative game.

Of course my heart wants to believe that there is some kind of reasonable explanation for your behavior, but my heart seems to be getting me into trouble these days.

It may not be the wisest choice on my part, but the truth is that you’re stopping me from being able to move forward with a man who I believe would treat me very well. He deserves my affection and attention, but I can’t give it to him, because when I close my eyes, it’s you that I see. When I feel a touch on my skin, it’s yours. When I feel my heart flutter, it’s because of thoughts of you.

It is embarrassing for me to admit all of this, but you need to understand that I am not interested in just you.

Blue, you have become a part of me—a part of my life and a part of every date I have with any other man.

I will give you one more chance. Not for you, but for me.

You must understand the impact your game will have on me if you decide not to show up again. I’m not just some faceless stranger on the other side of a computer. I’m a woman with a heart that is delicate and wide open.

One more chance. That’s it.

Sunday night—six—at Shannon’s. I’m sure you can look up the address.

Just be there.

Samantha
 

I didn’t read it over. I’d taken so long to write each word that I knew them by heart. I wanted him to know that I was still angry, but I also wanted him to know how important he was to me. It was time to put all of my cards on the table. If he didn’t show up, at least I’d taken the time to tell him how I really felt. It was intimidating, but I felt some relief for having spilled it all.

Then anxiety began to creep in—about whether he would respond, whether he would show, whether or not he really was some sadistic man giggling at my obsession. Of all the aspects of falling in love that I’d focused so much on, risk wasn’t one that I’d really thought about. Now I knew that giving my heart to someone was possibly the most dangerous act I’d ever committed. It reminded me of what Max had said to me in the garden after Blue had stood me up.

Curiosity certainly could be dangerous.
 

Later that day I tried to work on my book. The romance part was a huge stumbling block. In fact, I was at the point that it made me angry to even work on it. I felt like I was selling lies to my readers about what love was like. How could I write it without firsthand experience? Then I realized that there were tons of romance writers out there. I didn’t think that all of them had experienced romance in this way either.

The writing group that I’d joined was focused more on refined literature. Maybe I could find a group that was just for romance writers. I might be able to get some great ideas from them.

I did a quick Internet search and found a group that met the next afternoon. I could go to the meeting before my date with Spence. It might even put me in a better mood to enjoy his company.

I was glad that Max had talked me out of hopping right into things with Ben.

I did feel that I needed to see where things might potentially go with Spence. He was rough around the edges, but I hoped that underneath he and I might have a deeper connection.

Before I went to bed, I checked my e-mail. I was surprised not to see anything from Blue. I felt like things were starting all over again. He was pulling back—not responding, even though I’d finally given him what he wanted. Then again, maybe he’d been put off by the harshness of my e-mail.

I went to bed with that battle going on in my mind.

When I woke up the next morning, I had to fight the urge to check my e-mail right away. I didn’t want to be drawn back into the chaos of waiting for communication from Blue.

As I headed for my computer with a cup of coffee, my phone chimed.

I picked it up to see a message from Ben.
 

I’m looking forward to seeing you again soon. Just wanted to see how you’re doing today? I hope you’re having a great morning.
 

I smiled at the sweetness of the text. It meant a lot to me that Ben went out of his way to connect with me. As I went to text him back, I noticed that there was an e-mail from Blue on my computer screen. I got distracted and nearly dropped my phone into my cup of coffee. I managed to catch it right before it slipped into the hot liquid, but I mashed a few buttons in the process. I scowled at the computer screen as if Blue could see my displeasure. After all, it was his fault that I’d almost dropped my phone.

I sent a quick text back to Ben.
 

Thanks for the check-in. I’m looking forward to our date too. Thanks for the note. I hope you are having a great day too.

Chapter 27

I sat down and was about to open the e-mail from Blue when I received a text back. I smiled again at how responsive Ben was, but when I checked my phone the text was from Max.
 

We have a date?
 

I cringed as I realized that I’d sent the text to Max by mistake. I must have switched to his text log when I caught the phone.
 

So sorry, that was meant for Ben.

Oh, no good morning for me?
 

I laughed and shook my head. Between Ben, Blue, and Max, I was beginning to see that dating could be a bit of a juggle.
 

Good morning, Max. I hope you’re having a great day.
 

I smiled as I sent the text.
 

Thanks. I am now.
 

He added a little heart emoticon. I tried not to roll my eyes. Max could be a little cheesy on the phone.

I turned back to my computer. The e-mail from Blue was short and sweet.
 

Samantha,
 

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will be there. I know I’ve said it before, but I will be there. We will talk about everything then. Thank you for giving me another chance.
 

Blue
 

I frowned and wondered if I’d done the right thing. At least he’d responded.

I pushed the thought out of my mind and tried to write for a while.

Around midday I took a break to shower. I dressed for the writing group and the date that I’d head to after. The slip dress was a bit much for a writing group, but it would be nice for the date.

Spence had texted me to let me know that he was taking me on the Starlight Ferry. It was a ferryboat that ran the length of a local river and back with live music, a small dinner, and plenty of starlight. I’d always wanted to go on it, but had never had a date that wanted to go. Max had offered once, because he knew that I wanted to go, but it was not the type of thing you did with a best friend. It was far too romantic. I was pretty excited about experiencing it.

I could have sent a note back to Blue, but I decided against it. I was going to leave him alone until our date. I wanted him to prove himself by showing up, so I would leave no room for making excuses. Luckily, I had the writing group and the date with Spence to distract me from thoughts of Blue.
 

When I walked into the cafe, I noticed the group of people clutched together in a circular space dotted with couches and easy chairs. It was the perfect writers’ nook. I smiled as I walked up to the group. I hoped that they would be a bit friendlier than the last group I’d joined. It appeared, however, that I’d walked right into the middle of an argument.