The Date (Single Wide Female in Love #1) (10 page)

“Fair enough.” Kevin sighed. “Is there any chance you’d want to do a short testimonial that I could put on my website?”
 

“Bye, Kevin.”
 

As I walked—or more accurately, waddled—out of the building, I was glad to leave Kevin behind. He might have had the body of a god, but his personality was more akin to a goldfish’s.
 

I opened the door to my apartment and let out a groan as I stepped in. My entire body was already throbbing with pain from the workout. All I could think about was getting into a hot bath. I stripped down and ran the water.

As I rubbed at the muscles in my legs, I thought about my body. I could admire Kevin’s dedication to fitness and his flawless physique, but I didn’t really want that for myself. I liked the softness of my body and thought my curves were sensual. I wanted to be healthier, but I didn’t want to be skin and bone, or nothing but muscle.

I eased my body into the hot water with a sigh of relief. Even though I hadn’t enjoyed the date that much, I had actually enjoyed the rock climbing. It was something I hadn’t thought I could accomplish, but I gave it a shot, and managed to do it.

As I closed my eyes and relaxed, my mind filled with images of climbing mountains. In my fantasy, I was strong, I was healthy, and I was determined to get to the top. I was also not alone.

When I reached the top, I turned and smiled at the person who was climbing right behind me. The person I smiled at just happened to be Blue—my faceless Blue, who I could recognize just by emotion and energy.

All of the peace I’d summoned with my relaxing bath disappeared. My chest tightened with pain. I would never meet Blue. He would never be the one at my side as I accomplished my dreams. The thought brought tears to my eyes. It was nothing I ever believed would happen.

I climbed out of the tub and dried off. With just my robe on, I walked over to my computer. I had every right to be mad, to never speak to him again, but I just couldn’t imagine the rest of my life without him. Maybe we would never be in love, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t miss his advice and support.

I sat down and began typing out an e-mail.
 

Blue,
 

I read your e-mail. I know that you think we can be more, but I no longer think that’s a good idea. I want you to be part of my life. I honestly can’t imagine not having you to talk to, but I will no longer put my heart on the line. I would love for us to continue our relationship as friends, but I have no interest in meeting you or in anything more than friendship. If you can put that behind us, then we can still have an amazing friendship. If you can’t, I guess this will have to be goodbye. I hope that you are able to find the love that you are looking for.
 

Samantha
 

I read over the e-mail. I thought it sounded a little harsh. But that was okay. I was still angry. I had a right to be harsh.

I sent the e-mail and then took a deep breath.

Would Blue value our friendship enough to want to continue it?

Chapter 23

I was still sore when I woke up the next morning. My muscles felt like the mountain had climbed me rather than the other way around. My emotions were off-kilter too, because I wasn’t sure if I should have sent that last e-mail to Blue. I wanted him to know I cared, but I needed to draw that line in the sand for the sake of my own sanity.

As I got ready for my breakfast date with Ben, I tried to remind myself how much I’d enjoyed our last date. I hoped that this time I’d get to know him a little better and maybe find that spark that had been missing during our first date.

As I finished dressing my phone chimed with a text. I picked it up and smiled at Ben’s sweet words.
 

I’m looking forward to our date this morning. See you soon.
 

It was nice that he was making such an effort to connect with me. He didn’t leave me waiting or wondering whether he was thinking about me. I was sure that this would be the day that I would find that attraction to Ben that I’d hoped for. I sent back a quick text.
 

Me too. See you in 20.
 

I headed out for the date feeling much better than I’d felt since waking up that morning. I’d even forgotten to check to see if Blue had e-mailed me back. I didn’t think about Blue until I was in my car driving toward the cafe that I’d chosen for my date with Ben. It overlooked a small lake and had a wonderful assortment of meals to choose from. It had been on my list of places to take Blue when we finally got together—which is probably why I was now thinking about Blue as I made my way to my date with Ben.

I liked the idea of seeing Ben first thing in the morning. I hoped he wouldn’t be as nervous as he was last time.

He was already seated at one of the tables on the porch that overlooked the water when I arrived. I studied him for a few minutes from a distance. There was nothing about him that I could pinpoint as unattractive, and yet, I still saw him just as another person sitting there—not as the potential love of my life.
 

Give it time, Sammy.
 

I walked up the steps and joined him at the table.
 

“Good morning.” He smiled brightly.
 

“Good morning.” I sat down beside him so that he could still see the water.

He reached out as if he might rest his hand on mine, but then drew back.

I smiled and took his hand. “How are you this morning?”
 

I wanted to feel electricity when I touched him, but all I felt was a sweaty palm. I was sure mine was a little damp too.
 

“Great, now that you’re here. You’re right about this place being amazing.”
 

We chatted for a few minutes before ordering. I did find it easy to talk to him, but I had to draw him into the conversation.
 

“So you mentioned your sister last time we were together. Are you two close?”
 

“Oh yeah, we were best friends growing up and still are. She’s busy now, though, with a husband and kids.”
 

“Yes, we’re hitting that age, aren’t we—where everyone is pairing up and parenting.” I smiled.
 

“Sure—and to be honest, I can’t wait to join in. I see her with her kids, and I have to admit, my biological clock starts ticking. But I’m sure you know all about that.” He laughed.
 

I quirked an eyebrow. “Not exactly.”
 

“Really? You’re not ready to settle in and start a family?” He looked a little disappointed.
 

I started to sweat. I pulled my hand away from his and tried to cover my anxiety with a smile.
 

“Well, sure, I want those things—I think—but I’m not in any rush.”
 

“But there’s only so much time.”
 

“We still have plenty of time.” I laughed.
 

“Sure, if you want to be raising kids into your sixties.”
 

“How many kids?” I found it hard to breathe.
 

“Oh, I want a big family. Maybe six or seven kids.”
 

“Uh, that’s a lot.” I widened my eyes. “I mean, why not just go for an even dozen?”
 

“I’m not opposed to that.” Ben grinned.
 

I felt my uterus tighten into a tiny frightened ball. “Oh.”
 

“Don’t worry, I’m just kidding.” He shook his head. “I would like a big family, but you know, it comes down to what feels right.”
 

I laughed with relief. But he brought up some good points. I was searching for true love, but I hadn’t really thought about the steps that came after. Would the person I found love with be a suitable partner for the rest of my life?
 

“Have you ever been close to that step?”
 

“Once. At least I was. Looking back, I know now that she wasn’t. You know, it should be simple. You meet someone, share the same views, similar goals—you get married and have a family.”
 

“I wish it was that simple.” I laughed.
 

“Why can’t it be?”
 

I met his eyes and realized he was serious. There was no magic in love for Ben. It was a game of numbers. If everything lined up, then it was the perfect match. I grew a little uneasy as I realized he was likely calculating my potential. I couldn’t help but wonder how I added up.

By the end of our date, I still felt very little spark with Ben, but when he invited me out again, I accepted. Ben was nice, respectful and I had no doubt that he would make an excellent father.

Maybe he was on to something. Maybe it was more important to look at a future spouse from a logical perspective than a romantic perspective. I had to wonder if it was an idea worth exploring.

Chapter 24

The entire drive home, I tried to convince myself that a relationship without passion could work too. Scenes from romance novels I’d read over the years and romantic movie scenes played out in my mind. Without passion they were all lackluster. I just didn’t see how I could spend the rest of my life with someone I had no real chemistry with. I was sure that passion could fade over the years, but to start out a relationship with zero spark? I shuddered at the idea.

At my apartment I headed straight for my computer. I wanted to see if Blue had written me back. I felt a buzz of excitement when I saw that he had.
 

Samantha,
 

I don’t even know how to say this, but no.
 

My heart dropped. He didn’t even want to be friends? My vision blurred for a moment with panic. I blinked a few times and continued to read.
 

I know it’s not fair of me, but I can’t just be your friend. I can’t accept that I will never get to meet you. Samantha, if you give me another chance I can make everything right, or at least give you an explanation that you can understand. I have no right to ask, but I’m not asking—I’m begging. I need the opportunity to set things straight. Please, will you give me that chance?

Let me know if there is anything I can do to get you to agree. I will do it. No questions asked. Samantha, what we have is far too complicated for us to just abandon it. I need the opportunity to tell you the truth once and for all. I can’t do that in an e-mail. It needs to be in person. I may not deserve it, but I need just one more chance.

Love,

Blue
 

I sat back and skimmed over his words again and again. I wanted to feel sympathy for him, but I didn’t. I was angry. Angry that he would even ask me for another chance. I decided against typing a response, as I wasn’t sure that he would survive it. My blood was boiling.

I stood up and began to pace around the apartment like a caged animal. I wished I could see him in person and tell him what I thought of his needing one more chance. But underneath all of that anger was desire.

It reassured me to know that he still wanted me, that he was willing to fight for me. But wasn’t that just a fantasy? Blue, who claimed to be so interested in me, had yet to bother to meet me.

Ben had met with me twice in one week. He had a plan for the future, and no secrets to keep.

Maybe my lack of attraction to Ben had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my being attracted to the wrong kind of guys.

I was head-over-heels for Max. As I recalled our encounter in the garden, it made me dizzy.

Even though I hadn’t met Blue, I longed for him.

I adored two men who were completely unavailable to me.
 

I paused in front of the mirror and shook my head at my own reflection. “Maybe it’s you that’s asking for the heartbreak, Sammy. Ben would never hurt you like that.”
 

My phone began to ring. I grabbed for it and nearly tripped over my own feet in the process. My clumsiness was coming back, as was my insecurity.
 

“Hey, beautiful.”
 

“I’m not beautiful.”
 

“Okay. Hey, gorgeous.”
 

“Oh, Max.” I sighed. The last thing I needed was him plucking at my emotions with his kind words.
 

“What’s wrong? Bad date?”
 

“No.” I smiled. “Actually it was a great date.”
 

“Oh?”
 

“Ben is wonderful. I set another date with him. In fact things are going so well that I think I’m ready to stop dating other people. Ben has all of the qualities that I’m looking for.”
 

My confession was met with silence.
 

“Max, are you there?”
 

“I thought you had a date with that Spence guy?”
 

“I do. But I think I’ll cancel it. I want to spend more time with Ben. He seems like he’s really into the idea of commitment and moving forward in life. I’m ready for that.”
 

“How?”
 

“What do you mean how?”
 

“How are you ready for that?” Max’s voice was hard and louder than normal. “You just had your heart broken by Blue. You need time to heal. Or Ben is just going to be a rebound.”
 

“Max, Ben can’t be a rebound if I’ve never even met Blue. What is going on with you?”
 

“Sammy, I just think you’re moving too fast. You barely know this guy.”
 

“That’s the point, isn’t it? I want to get to know him. I don’t see a reason to keep dating around if he is the one I’m interested in.”
 

“Does he make you happy?”
 

“He’s very nice.”
 

“That’s not an answer.”
 

“Yes, it is. He shows up for our dates. He treats me with respect. He’s a good man.”
 

“Being a good man doesn’t make him the right man for you, Sammy.”