The Days of Redemption (65 page)

Elsie's grip on the phone cord was so tight, she was surprised the curly cord wasn't tearing in half. So far, her call to the doctor's office was taking far longer than she'd anticipated.

The receptionist kept getting interrupted by people in the office, and then she kept making mistakes with the doctor's schedule. It seemed no one could decide just how long Elsie's visit was going to take.

Through it all, Elsie tapped her fingers on the counter and looked at the open doorway furtively, praying for the family to give her some privacy and space.

But that was what happened when a person had to make a private phone call in the middle of the busiest room in the house. Then and there, she vowed to herself to have the house phone installed somewhere far more private than the kitchen whenever she had her own home.

At the moment, though, she had to make do with praying that the phone call would finish soon. It was bad enough that Amanda was standing again by her side. She couldn't bear for anyone else to overhear her conversation.

The receptionist's voice came on the line, but it was a different one than the one she'd started with. “Elsie, this is Jennifer. I'm sorry but Alice had to help someone here in the office. Could you tell me why you called?”

With barely controlled patience, she said, “I need to come in and get my eyes checked. Alice said I needed to call back this week.”

After a faint rustle of papers and clicks on the computer, Jennifer asked, “I'm sorry. I can't find those notes right here. Can you tell me specifically what is wrong?”

Feeling half resigned and half frightened to death, Elsie answered. “I think my vision's gotten worse.” She lowered her voice. “A lot worse.”

“Headaches?”

“Yes.”

“Increased blurriness?”

“Jah.”
Elsie felt her pulse race. It was hard to be honest about the extent of her difficulties.

“Anything else?”

Elsie didn't know if she had the right words to describe what was happening. It was as if her eyes had finally decided that they'd had enough of struggling to see. “I'm just having trouble seeing,” she said finally. “More than usual.”

Now that she was being forced to explain her symptoms, Elsie felt her anxiety growing. Why had she waited to call?

“Hold on one more time please,” Jennifer said, her tone now a bit more serious.

As she held the phone again, Elsie watched the doorway. Then felt her stomach fall to the floor as little Regina walked in.

“Hi, Elsie!” Regina said.

Elsie waved, but put a finger to her lips, making a universal “shh” sign.

“Do you want me to take her out?” Amanda whispered.

“
Jah
. That is, if you don't mind.”

“Come on, Gina,” Amanda said. “Let's go check on the horse for a few minutes before we have our snack.”

Elsie breathed a sigh of relief when they left, just as Jennifer got back on the line. “Elsie, we just juggled some meetings around. Dr. Palmer can see you tomorrow at eleven. Will you be able to find transportation that quickly?” They were all used to her needing to find an English driver for appointments.

Elsie wasn't sure how she would arrange it that quickly, but she didn't want to back down now. If she did, she wasn't sure when she would have the nerve to pick up the phone and call again. “I will be there.”

“We'll see you then, Elsie.”

When she hung up, Elsie realized that she'd become so anxious her hands had turned damp. She knew she was going to have to tell her parents about the doctor's visit. They were going to have to help her pay for the driver.

Mentally preparing her speech, she headed out of the kitchen, and to her parents' room. She might as well just get it over with.

She lightly knocked on her mother's door before entering.

Her mother was dressed, and sitting on top of her neatly made bed. She was reading a novel and had a vibrant teal and purple crocheted throw loosely thrown over her lap.

For a split second, Elsie forgot her problems and simply gazed at her mother in happiness. It really was such a blessing that her
mamm
was recovering so well.

She looked up with a pleased smile. “Hello, dear. Have you come to check up on me?”

“
Jah
. But also to let you know that I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.”

She set her book to one side. “With Dr. Palmer?”

Throat feeling thick, Elsie nodded.

Her mother frowned. “Gosh, I must have really lost track of time while I was sick. I thought your next checkup wasn't for a few weeks.”

Seeing the chance to be evasive, Elsie grabbed hold of it quickly. With a studied shrug, she said, “It snuck up on me too. But I guess we have had a lot of other things to occupy us.”

“You're right,” her mother said with a laugh. “Yes, I would say that we have had quite a number of other things on our minds besides eye checkups. So, who is going with you tomorrow?”

“I thought I'd go by myself this time.”

“All the way to Ashland? Definitely not.” She bit her lip. “I bet I might be well enough to go tomorrow. . . .”

“
Nee
, Mamm. You are supposed to stay in bed, and that's where you need to stay. I'll see if Viola or even Aunt Lorene could go with me.”

“I think Viola is working.”

“Then I'll go call Aunt Lorene right now. She cut back on her hours at the cheese store now that she's married to John.”

“Oh.
Gut!
Yes, do that, then call the driver service. I'll tell your
daed
to make sure we have enough cash for you to pay the driver.”

Elsie thanked her
mamm
and then went back to the kitchen.

But this time, she didn't get so lucky. Amanda and Regina had returned and were joined by Roman. Goldie was sitting at her brother's feet, looking hopefully at the sandwich he was eating.

Inwardly, Elsie sighed. She still wasn't happy with her brother.

She ached to turn right around but she had to call for a driver before they were all booked up. There was no escaping that.

“Excuse me, but I need to make a phone call.”

“Another one?” Regina asked. “Who are ya callin' now, Elsie?”

“The English driver service. I need to go to the
doktah
tomorrow.”

“What's wrong?” Roman asked.

“Nothing. I'm merely going to the eye
doktah
for a checkup.” She was so tired of him trying to manage her, she added snidely, “Not that it's any of your concern.”

“Of course it's my concern. You're my sister.”

“Yes, but that doesn't mean you need to know all of my private business.”

He looked at her strangely. “I thought we were talking about your eyes, Elsie. What's so private about that?”

What she was going through was much more complicated than simply her eyes.

Deciding to ignore the question since she had no intention of answering, she looked through a drawer for the driver service's phone number. Luckily, she found it easily, and the number was written large enough that she didn't have to ask Roman or Amanda to tell her the numbers.

Just as she began to punch in the numbers, Roman spoke again. “Who's going to go with you? Do you need me to go?”

His voice held genuine concern. She knew he cared about her, and she appreciated that. But she was tired of being treated like an invalid.

“I'll be fine,” she replied, neatly ignoring his questions.

To her irritation, he took the phone out of her hand and put it back in its cradle, disconnecting the line. “Elsie, if you don't want me to go with you, that's fine. But someone needs to.”

“Honestly, Roman . . . ”

“Are you thinking of going alone?”

She stared at him, wondering what to say. She didn't want to lie, but she didn't want to debate it, either.

“I'm going with her,” Amanda said quickly.

To Elsie's embarrassment, she stared at Amanda with as much surprise as Roman did.

“Right, Elsie?” Amanda prodded.

“Right. I mean,
jah
.”

“What about Regina? What are you going to do with her while you're in Ashland?” Roman asked.

“I thought she could stay around here tomorrow. You said you'd be working in the barn, not out in the fields.”

“I want to stay with you, Roman,” Regina said.

Elsie exhaled, hoping her face wasn't flushed from all the subterfuge. “Now that this is all settled, may I call for a car and driver now? Or, do you want to take care of that, too?”

“You don't need to make this so hard, Elsie,” he said before storming out of the kitchen.

“Danke,”
Elsie mouthed to Amanda before dialing the car service again. It looked like she was going to have some company after all. Which would be just fine, since it was Amanda. Amanda didn't pry. And she might even have some advice to give her about Landon.

Yes, things were working out just fine, she decided, just as the line connected and yet another receptionist asked her what she wanted.

T
hey were on their way. As their charter bus from Elite continued north on the interstate, Lovina pulled out her knitting, glanced at her husband, and wondered if he was having as difficult a time as she was. It wasn't because of their accommodations. Their seats were comfortable and roomy, and the bus was only about half full, allowing everyone plenty of room to spread out and relax.

No, it was their destination that weighed heavy on their minds. Hoping to infuse a bit of brightness into their conversation, she said, “In eight hours or so, we'll be in Intercourse. I can hardly believe it.”

“Me, neither.” Aaron looked as if he'd like to add something more, but didn't.

Lovina supposed that was natural. She felt tongue-tied, too. “Can you even think about anything but our families?” she asked.

He shook his head. “All I can seem to think about is Laura Beth's brother Karl. I keep imagining that seeing him in person is going to be worse than I can even imagine. I don't know what he'll think, seeing me after all this time.” He ran a hand around the base of his neck, obviously hoping to ease a knot in his muscles.

“What could he possibly do? I mean, the accident was a long time ago. Almost a whole lifetime! Besides, it wasn't your fault, Aaron.”

“It was my fault to a certain extent, Lovina.” Turning to her, his blue eyes looked more troubled than ever. “I'm beginning to wonder if maybe over time, I've chosen to forget exactly what happened.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that time can dull pain and blur the edges of responsibility,” he said cryptically.

Lowering his voice, he leaned closer. “Lovina, what if over the years I've somehow twisted things in my mind? What if I made things seem less my fault than they actually were so I could live with the consequences?” His voice turned anguished. “Maybe I really did kill my family.”

Lovina felt a chill race through her bones. She'd never heard Aaron talk this way.

But she knew exactly what he meant. Years passing did take the edge off the worst memories. Perhaps a person's mind and heart and soul had a way of dealing with difficult things in order to not feel so bad about them. After all, a person could shoulder guilt only so long.

After that, it seemed a person ached to make things better, to move forward, if for no other reason than to be able to sleep at night.

Spinning in her mind, too, was the awareness that Aaron had kept so much of his burden from her for decades. He'd chosen to bear his burdens all alone, and it had affected both his mood and his relationship with her and with their children. Thinking about his headaches, the constant aches and pains in his muscles, she guessed it might have affected his health, too.

In an effort to make him feel better, she leaned close, so close that her lips were practically touching his ear, and whispered, “Come now, Aaron. You don't really think that, do you?”

Of course, she was prepared for only one answer.

Had expected to hear it right away.

But as she waited for his reply, as his silence stretched for what felt like hours, but must have been only thirty seconds at the most.  . . .

She began to fear the worst.

At last he replied, his voice strained and harsh, but clear as day.

“I'm not sure.”

Hands shaking, Lovina placed her knitting needles on her lap and faced the window. Well, she'd asked for the truth. Too bad she'd naïvely assumed that it would be easy to hear.

She closed her eyes and prayed for support as silence descended over them again like a thick, suffocating blanket.

It was becoming something of a routine, and Landon wasn't happy about it. After securing his horse's reins to the hitching post in front of the Keims' house, he stood with his arms crossed and watched Roman stride toward him.

“Roman, we're too old to be playing these games,” he chided. “If you have a problem with me seeing your sister, you're going to have to take it up with her. I don't particularly enjoy going behind her back.”

“I don't have a problem. I mean I don't anymore.”

“Oh, really? What changed?”

His friend looked chagrined. “I've got a wife who reminded me that I don't know what's best for everyone.”

Bemused, Landon raised a brow. “Is that a fact?”

“Well, there's a fair chance she might be right.”

“All right. Well, I'm going to pay a call on Elsie now.”

“Wait a moment, wouldja? I actually came out here to ask a favor of you.”

“And what is that?”

“Elsie has an eye doctor appointment tomorrow. My wife, Amanda, is planning to go with her, but . . . I guess I thought if the two of you were really going to make a go at this, perhaps it might be better to have you accompany her.”

The last of Roman's stubborn attitude drifted away. “I know we've all been treating her like she can't walk across the street by herself anymore.” Rubbing a hand down his short beard, he said, “And I fear Elsie tends to conceal her problems so we won't worry. Maybe it's habit?” He shrugged. “Anyway, perhaps for someone to go with her who has fresh eyes and can hear what the doctor says with fresh perspective? Maybe that'd be best for everyone.”

“Have you discussed this with her?”

“I'm only trying to make plans, Landon.”

“Without Elsie, though. And I'm not going to be a part of that, Roman,” Landon said firmly. He already knew he wanted a long relationship with Elsie. There was no way he was going to start “managing” her or sneaking around behind her back.

“So you're too busy with work? Or you don't want to get involved?”

“Neither,” Landon said with barely controlled patience. “Neither. Listen, letting someone be independent means that you let them make their own choices.”

“I don't need a lecture. I'm merely trying to help my sister.”

“Then I suggest you let her do the decision making.”

Roman looked like he fought back a retort, but then his countenance changed. Maybe Landon was finally getting through to him.

“If I go—and I haven't said I would—I want you to know that I'm doing it for Elsie, not because you came over here and pressured me.”

“That's fine. Perfectly fine.” Taking a breath, Roman added, “Look, I know you think the lot of us are a bit crazy, and we probably are. But don't let that work against my sister.”

“I would never do that.”

“We just want to make sure she's taken care of, you know?”

Landon heard the frustration in his friend's voice. And he felt for him. Managing family members, especially siblings, was a tricky thing. After a certain age, they were almost impossible to boss around.

Remembering years ago, when Daniel had sprained his foot but refused to keep off it, Landon sympathized with Roman. It really was difficult to feel ineffectual around a person you cared about.

“We'll see if she's open to me going with her.” Turning away, he pulled out an audio book. “Listen, since you're here, I have a question for you, too. It's a favor of a sort.”

“What's that?”

Landon held out the audio book. “When I went to the library, one of the clerks told me about audio books. I thought maybe Elsie would like to listen to them.”

“Listen, huh?”

“I'm hoping you can get permission from the bishop for Elsie to use a small CD player. She already told me that it was really hard for her to read. If she got permission from the bishop, she would be able to listen to some books.”

“I never thought about that.” Looking at the plastic case, he ran a hand along the cover. “You know—I'd forgotten, but when we were little she used to always have her nose in a book.”

Landon was starting to wonder if Elsie hadn't been the only person in her family to be living in a bit of denial about the seriousness of her condition. “It's worth a try, don'tcha think?” he said lightly. “Elsie wants to be independent.”

“I'll ask the bishop this week.”

“
Danke
. And now, I better go on in. I don't want Elsie to think I'm showing up late.” He turned away before Roman could hold on to him for another reminder about the doctor's appointment.

Two knocks later, Elsie's father opened the door.

“Landon, it's
gut
to see you.”

“You as well.”

“Elsie's waiting for you in the front room.” He pointed to a well-lit, cozy-looking room. “You can go on in.”

“
Danke
.” Relieved that her father wasn't attempting to ask him a dozen questions, Landon walked directly back. The moment he saw Elsie, all his aggravation about her brother's questions dissipated.

She stood up when he entered the room. “You made it.”

“I did.” Once again, he couldn't help but stare at her. Today she wore a plum-colored dress with a black apron. She had on black stockings and black clogs. As usual, her white kapp stood out in contrast to her honey-brown hair.

But more than any of that, he realized that she looked pretty to him. She had become important to him. And though he had no idea what the future would bring for both of them, he had a feeling he'd always have a soft spot for her.

All at once, he was tempted to tease her. Anything to make her smile.

She gestured to the coffee table in front of her. “I made us some fresh
kaffi
and a plate of cookies. Would you like some?”

“Of course.” Unable to resist touching her, he reached out and lightly caressed her arm. “But I'll help myself. Okay?”

“Yes. And . . . And you can pour me some, too. That is, if you wouldn't mind?”

“I'd be happy to.” As she sat down and watched him pour them both cups of coffee, then place two butter cookies on each of their napkins, Landon realized that everything felt right.

It didn't matter to him that she couldn't serve him.

He didn't even care if she had baked the cookies herself or bought them from a store. And that made him think of all the other ways they could make her life easier, but still give her dignity.

He'd been so narrow-minded. For so long, he'd thought that there was only one way to do things—his way. These last few days had taught him the value of being more open-minded about things.

He hadn't even known that Elsie was a bookworm when he picked up those audio books at the library. To think that her family had never considered how they might help Elsie still enjoy the things she loved with her disability . . . well, it made him think maybe she needed him more than she knew. She needed someone who was open enough to look around and see how life might be lived and enjoyed even with her limitations.

After taking a fortifying sip of coffee, he plunged right into the doctor's visit. “So, I saw Roman outside.”

Predictably, she tensed up. “And?”

“And he said you have an eye doctor's appointment tomorrow.”

“And?”

Her voice was cooler now, disappointment mixed with resignation. Letting him know that she assumed she'd become one of his chores. “And I want to go with you.”

“I already have someone to go with me. Amanda volunteered.” Her voice sounded a bit bitter. A little sad.

“Elsie, your hearing must be going, too,” he teased. “I just said I
want
to go.”

“I didn't think you meant it.”

“I do. I want to spend time with you, even if it's just a matter of going to a doctor's appointment.”

Her gaze warmed. “Hmm.”

Taking advantage of her thawing, he said, “I have some news for you, too. I spent a couple of hours at the library yesterday, trying to learn more about your eye disease. If we're going to be seeing a lot of each other, I might want to ask some questions, too.”

“You think so?”

“Maybe.” Needing to be closer to her, he reached out and pulled her coffee cup from her hands and set it on the table. Then, he did the unthinkable and linked their fingers together. Just as if they were an engaged couple instead of two neighbors who'd only spent a little bit of time together.

Staring at their linked hands, liking how her slim fingers looked against his larger tanned ones, he went on. “I want to know what you're facing, Elsie. I want to know so we both can discover the truth about how you can get help.”

But instead of bringing her closer, his words seemed to push her away.

With a look of regret, she removed her hand from his. “My future is no great secret, Landon. One day I won't be able to see.”

“I understand that, but I guess I just want the chance to hear it from the doctor myself.”

“Why?”

“Because then we'll know what we're facing.” When he noticed that her bottom lip was trembling, he pushed his case. “Look what I found at the library,” he said, pulling out one of the audio books. “It's a book you can listen to instead of read. I asked your brother to ask the bishop to give you permission to have a CD player to listen to the books.”

“Really?”

She looked so dumbfounded that he had to coax himself not to smile at her. If he did that, she would no doubt misunderstand. He nodded vigorously instead. “If the bishop approves, you can get your own CD player and headphones. Then you can read what you want to read whenever you want to.”

“I wouldn't have to do without books. I could read again. I mean, almost.”

She looked so grateful, it just about broke his heart. “Elsie, I don't want to shelter you, I want to help you. There's a difference, don't you think?” he asked softly.

Before his eyes, she softened. “Landon, I don't know what to tell you. I put up a strong front, but I think I'm scared to know the truth. I don't want to hear the news about my future. I don't want to be blind and helpless.”

“I can understand that.”

“If I let you go to the doctor with me, will you let me ask the questions?”

“I'll do my best. But if I have questions, I'm going to ask them, too.”

At first she looked irritated because he didn't agree to her wishes right away. But then she chuckled. “Is this how it's going to be between us, Landon?”

“If you mean, am I not going to let you walk over me?
Jah
.”

To his pleasure, she laughed. Picking up her coffee cup again, she leaned back against the couch. “In that case, you may go to the doctor with me. My appointment is at eleven. The driver is picking me up at ten.”

“Okay. I'll walk over a little before then.”

“Now, can we talk about something else? Anything but my eyes?”

There it was again—that rush of adrenaline he felt every time she smiled at him. Letting him know that with prayer and hope and faith, anything in their future was possible.

As long as he didn't lose her, anything was fine with him. “Elsie Keim, we can talk about whatever you want.” He'd never been more honest.

D
o you hear them, Peter? Marie asked from their spots on the couch in the living room. “I think Elsie and that Landon are really getting along.”

“They might be getting along too well,” Peter grumbled, thinking that they'd already heard too much soft murmuring coming from the next room. “She seems to really like this man.”

“Of course you feel a bit worried. You're Elsie's father,” she teased with a smile. “No father wants to watch his daughter fall in love.”

“I didn't do too badly with Viola,” he protested.

“Elsie's always seemed younger.”

“True. But it's more than that. Elsie has been the one we've all sheltered.”

“As much as she's allowed us.”

“I don't want her to get hurt, Marie. You know, not all romances end with love and marriage. She could get her heart broken.”

“She told me she'd rather get hurt than never have a chance to do everything she wants to do. She said that even though her eyes aren't perfect, she wants to live her life to the fullest.”

That was just the kind of thing he didn't understand. Elsie was precious. Special. Pain didn't feel good. How could she want to get hurt? It made no sense.

“She's been living, Marie.”

“Don't be thickheaded, Peter. You know what I mean.” She looked as if she was about to add some more when she was seized by a coughing fit.

Instantly, the worry about her health rushed forward all over again. Rubbing her back, he said, “Marie, I fear you are wearing yourself out. You need to rest more.”

“I've been resting. Peter, you've practically kept me in bed from the moment I got home from the hospital. I haven't had a chance to get tired.”

“Your body says otherwise,” he said when she coughed again.

“It's a lingering cough. That's all.” Sitting up straighter, she said, “Actually, I think tomorrow morning I'm going to go back to my regular routine. It's high time I got out of bed with the sun, got dressed, and take back control of my
haus
.”

“Not so fast. You are supposed to rest.”

“I did.”

“There's no hurry. For your information, I've been doing pretty good at keeping the house running.”

“Oh, I've heard how you've been doing,” she said with a wry smile.

Feeling a bit embarrassed, he frowned. “I've discovered that taking care of the house is more difficult than I thought.”

“Luckily the girls helped you some.”