The Deepest Cut (14 page)

‘I wasn't even there that night, Adam. I wasn't even there. I was in the bloody Lake District with my stupid bloody family,' she said with her mouth full.

I sat back and crossed my arms. I let her carry on saying what she needed to say. It wasn't like I could contribute, or argue, or anything. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Damian was only pretending to read his paper; he hadn't turned the page in ages, which meant he was listening to her.

‘Your doctor told me that you've been writing down what happened?'

I nodded.

‘Have you got any paper?' She asked Damian. ‘And a pen?' She turned to me. ‘We can talk that way,' she said.

Damian looked concerned. ‘I can't leave Adam to go and get you any, I'm afraid,' he said.

Polly sat back and did a really aggravated sigh. ‘I don't know what I'm meant to do. I have no idea. This is just too much to take in, too much, Ads.' She leant forwards, and put her face in her hands, and I knew she was crying.

I wanted to get up and put my arm around her, to let her cry on my shoulder, but I couldn't. It worked in the same way that not talking did. I wanted to do it, to go to her, but there was some sort of invisible force stopping me. The intention was there, but something had happened in the wiring of my brain which meant the intention and the action just wouldn't marry up.

When she stopped crying and looked up, I couldn't decide if she was angry or scared. ‘Have you got any idea what it was like to find you that day?' She asked. ‘On the landing?' She took a deep breath. ‘I thought you were dead,' she said, and then the crying got worse. Damian came over with a box of tissues and sat next to her. I watched him comfort her. He rubbed her back and helped her to sip her tea.

What I felt, I'm sure, was guilt. I closed my eyes so I couldn't see her, but I opened them again quickly because I didn't want to not see.

I'm sorry.
That was all I wanted to say. Three words. Three syllables. So much meaning.

It wouldn't come out.

When she'd calmed down, she sat up straight and took something out of her pocket. It was a small, white envelope with my name on it.

‘I knew this would happen. I knew I'd get all emotional and not be able to handle it, so I wrote it all down instead,' she said. She put the envelope on the table. ‘I don't want you to read it now. Read it later when I'm gone.'

She got up and zipped up her parka.

I wanted to get up and hug her and not let go, but my body wouldn't move.

Damian's face was full of pity, but I wasn't sure if it was for me, or for her, or maybe for us both.

‘I'll see you soon,' she said, and her voice was shaking with tears again.

She left the room without looking back. I swallowed hard because I had that pain you get in the back of your throat when you're about to start crying. That threw me, that sudden feeling of emotion. It was alien to me. I'd stopped being able to feel anything weeks ago.

Damian sat down opposite me. ‘It was a thought that had occurred to me, too, about trying to get you to communicate by writing things down, but David said no,' he said. ‘He said he wanted to focus on you telling him what happened first.'

I nodded. I was glad because I thought that if I had to start talking to people, even if it was by writing stuff down, it would confuse my brain even more. The less I had to think about, the better.

Damian picked up the envelope Polly had left on the table. ‘I'm going to have to let David read this first,' he said. ‘In the meantime, why don't you go and chill out with the others in the rec room? I'll get him to bring it along to you later.' We stood up and walked towards the door.

I didn't want to hang out with the others. I wanted to go back to my room and sleep and think about Polly but because I was under supervision still, and Damian was the one supervising, I didn't have a choice.

I was sitting in the corner of the rec room watching Caitlin and Blake have a full-blown argument about who got to be which colour counter in Connect Four.

David caught my eye and in his hand was Polly's letter. We walked back to my room. I sat on my bed and he pulled up a chair.

‘I think you should read it,' he said holding out the letter. ‘But I'm going to sit here while you do, is that OK?'

I nodded and took it from him. It had been all I could think about all afternoon, and I'd gone through so many different theories in my head as to what it said. Maybe she didn't want to know me anymore, and the letter was a goodbye. That was the theory I'd pretty much decided was true, so my hands were shaking as I crossed my legs up on the bed and pulled the paper out of the envelope.

I looked up at David.

He nodded in approval.

Dear Adam,

I don't even know where to start, if I'm honest.

It's hard for all of us, what happened to Jake. We never think it's going to happen to us, do we?

See Adam, I can't walk away from this even if I wanted to. I know we're only sixteen and seventeen but I know I love you. I've never told you this before, but I always had a crush on you before you came to our party that night. I'd just never had the guts to tell you before. I know what everyone thinks about me, that I'm this hard and scary girl but deep down I'm not, deep down everything hurts. My parents hurt me, Ed hurts me, what happened to Jake hurt me, and seeing you the way you are because of it, and knowing that there's nothing I can do to make it better for you, that hurts me, too.

Your doctor told me about you writing down everything that happened. I offered to tell him what happened after the party, but he said he wants to hear your version first which I think is good.

I want you to get better. I've been doing a lot of stuff outside to try and help. I've spoken to my mum and dad and told them that I'm going to be there for you, and I don't care what they think. There's nothing they can do about it, I'm sixteen and can make my own decisions. Ed was on their side. He wanted me to walk away from it all, but the other night we got a bit drunk together and we had a heart to heart and he's changed his mind. He said he might even come in and see you himself. He wondered if it might help. A total 180, but I think before he was just scared. I think we all are.

I went to see Debbie, too, but she wasn't in. I wrote her a letter and put it through the door. I know how much you need her, Adam. I don't know if I've done the right thing but I'm hoping she'll find it in her heart to forgive you and come and see you.

There's only one more thing I want to say and I don't care if you hate me for it. Imagine if Jake could see you like this, Adam. What would he say? If he knew you'd given up so easily? How gutted would he be? You need to try your hardest to get better, Adam. I know that you're scared, but try really hard.

This is not easy for me, but I'm not giving up on you so I'll be in to see you again soon.

Polly xxx

I put the letter back in the envelope and put it under my pillow. It was too much to take in at once. I knew I'd want to read it again later. I pushed away the thoughts of what Jake would say. I didn't want to think about it now.

‘You OK?' David asked.

I shrugged.

‘Do you think you can carry on telling me what happened after the Christmas party?' He asked.

I nodded. I genuinely felt, for the first time since I'd got there, that I could. Polly's letter had given me hope. Seeing her had made me feel something and, even though I wasn't sure what it was I felt, I knew it was a big step.

I nodded at David again, just to make sure he'd seen.

‘You're doing well, Adam,' he said. He smiled at me as he left the room, and I carried on where I left off.

‘Where's Jake?' Nathan slapped me on the back as I walked through the school gates the Monday morning after the drama of the weekend. He was smiling and acting like nothing had happened.

I gave him a filthy look.

‘What?'

I gave him another filthy look.

‘Be a dickhead, then,' he said.

I sighed. ‘Debbie let him have the day off. He's upset about Kelly.'

‘Yeah, about that …'

I thought about saying nothing and just walking away: it would have been easier. I didn't want to have to deal with it. I just wanted it to be OK, for us all to be friends again. As we carried on walking up the path, I could feel the tension between us so I had to say something to him about it. If I didn't, it'd just get worse.

‘Why did you go off with him, Nath? I couldn't believe you just got into the car and left like that. Didn't you see the state of Jake? And Megan. You're–'

‘Oi seriously, leave it–'

‘No. I'm not leaving it, you proper turned weird and took the piss, you've been nowhere to be seen all weekend, ignoring me and I can't–'

‘Hang on a sec,' Nathan said. He stopped walking and grabbed my arm for me to stop, too. ‘Megan dumped me on Saturday night. Where were
you
for
me?'

‘What? But–'

‘Exactly.' He smiled smugly, pulled his bag up on his shoulder, and carried on walking.

‘Nath?' I followed him. ‘You'd just had a row with her, that's all, and I tried to ask you, but Danny said you didn't want to talk about it, remember?'

He carried on walking, ignoring me.

‘She was outside with Jake, he'd talked her into leaving you to calm down, then going in and sorting it all out, until we saw you holding hands with the exact girl who'd caused the row in the first place. This is all bullshit. You've been ignoring us all weekend … I–'

‘You think it's easy for me?'

‘What?'

‘You two?'

‘Who two?'

‘You and Jake?'

‘Me and Jake? What are you talking about?'

‘You two have always been well close.'

‘We're all close.'

‘Yeah, OK,' his voice was full of sarcasm. ‘You two have known each other forever. I've only been knocking around–'

‘We've been best friends, all of us, for five years, Nathan.'

‘Yeah, and you and Jake have been best friends since you were three.'

‘You're saying you went off with Danny because you think me and Jake are closer?'

‘I'm saying maybe I'm getting a little bit fucked off with how close you two are. How much of a spare part I am. Piggy in the middle, y'know? Where were you two for me on Saturday? Jake was outside with Megan, of all people, and you … you were trying to get laid with Ed's little sister. I got mugged off by you both, so I figured it was time I found myself some new friends.'

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. ‘You're not serious, are you? Jake was outside, calming Megan down and getting her to come in and make up with you,' I said.

‘And where were you? When I told you to sit down for a drink, all you were worried about was finding Jake.' He raised his eyebrows at me.

‘Nath, I just didn't wanna sit with–'

‘Neither of you were there for me,' he interrupted. ‘You know who was there for me Saturday? Danny. He was a friend to me when I needed someone. He saw me on my own, he invited me to join him and his mates, he cheered me up. Just what you and Jake
should
have been doing.'

‘So we make one mistake and you dump us for Danny?'

‘And what?'

‘He's bad news.'

‘Shut up, Ad. Leave it now, yeah?' He shook his head at me, pulled his bag up on his shoulder and walked off, leaving me feeling like I was spinning on the spot.

At lunch, I was looking for Megan to see what was going on when Ed appeared in front of me. Out of nowhere. Like a bloody ninja. I was caught off guard.

‘A quiet word?' He asked, with his head cocked to the side and his eyebrows raised.

He spun around to walk next to me, put his arm around me and guided me gently round the back of the science block. I was shitting myself.

‘She said she'd text you to tell you where she was,' I said, panicked.

‘I know, she told me. She flipped out at me this morning over a bowl of Rice Krispies,' Ed said. ‘She also told me that you didn't try it on at all.' He moved so he was standing right in front of me, staring me straight in the eyes. ‘Was she telling the truth?'

‘Yes, she was telling the truth,' I said.

‘Do you like her?'

I sighed and looked away.

‘That's a yes,' he said. ‘Look, you're alright, Adam. All I'm saying is that if you hurt her, I'm going to shit on your head, do you understand?'

‘Yep, can I go now?'

‘We're OK,' Ed said, moving out of the way. ‘You understand why I needed to talk to you, yes?'

‘She's your sister, I get it,' I said.

‘She's a pain in my fucking arse, Adam, and she'll be a pain in yours, but I'm telling you, I do love the guts off her, and if you hurt her–'

‘You'll shit on my head,' I said.

He smiled.

‘You sorted things out with Nath yet? I heard he bunked off with Danny on Saturday, man, that was harsh,' he said.

‘I know right,' I said as we both walked back round to the main path together. ‘He's saying me and Jake are out of order 'cause we weren't there for him when Megan dumped him, but I didn't even have a chance. He told me to go off to find Jake and come back. Next thing I know, him and Danny are best mates and he's doing one offinto the night with him.'