The Deepest Cut (25 page)

I sat down on my bed and looked at the floor.

‘That's a yes, then?'

‘No, it's not,' I said. ‘Do you have to be like this?' I looked up at her.

‘Like what?'

‘This,' I said.

‘Oh, so you've got your voice back,' she said. ‘But you're using it to be rude.'

‘You're the one being rude,' I said.

‘Yeah, well,' she said, but she wasn't looking at me. ‘You went bloody mental, Adam. God, I want to knock you out right now.'

‘Why?' I asked.

She was looking at her feet. ‘Because I've been so worried about you.'

I didn't know what to say. When I saw her last she was timid, frail, and full of tears. Now she was being stroppy. I wondered if it was just a defensive thing.

She sighed and sat on the edge of my bed. The silence was thick. I wanted to reach out to her but I didn't know how.

‘Do you want me around?' She asked.

‘Yes,' I said.

‘Good,' she said.

We still didn't move. We were sitting next to each other with a space between us. It was only a small space, but it felt like a huge gap. I wanted to shuffle towards her to feel closer to her, but it wasn't happening.

‘Ed sent this lot in,' she said, picking up the carrier bag and opening it.

It was full of crisps and chocolate bars and stuff.

‘He said he can come and see you if you want.'

‘Cool,' I said.

‘What's the deal with that Josie then?' She asked.

I plumped up the new cushions she'd brought me and put them up by my pillow, then I wiggled up and lay back against them. They felt good. Soft. Comfy. Polly took the blanket and covered her lap with it. She grabbed two packets of crisps out the bag, threw one at me and opened the other for herself.

‘She's OK,' I said. ‘I'm not really sure.'

‘What's wrong with her?'

‘She self-harms and says her parents put her in here because she's a lesbian,' I said.

Polly looked like all the muscles in her body suddenly relaxed.

I laughed.

‘What?'

‘Were you jealous?'

She snorted.

‘You were jealous,' I said.

She looked me square in the eye and smiled. ‘I'm not expecting anything from you, Ads,' she said. ‘That was the one thing Ed said to me, that I couldn't expect anything from you 'cause if I did, it might put too much pressure on you.'

‘I do want you to visit, though,' I said.

‘I'm going to anyway,' she poked her tongue out at me. ‘There's something else I brought you,' she said. ‘I wasn't sure if I should or not, but I think it'll be OK.'

‘What?'

She opened her bag and pulled out a picture frame. It was the one of my mum from my bedside table. ‘Is it OK?' she asked.

I sighed to try and stop the tears welling up in my eyes.

‘Adam?'

I looked at my mum's face. It seemed like a lifetime ago. So much had happened in such a short space of time. ‘Thanks,' I whispered to Polly. I put the picture on the small shelf above my bed.

‘I thought it might remind you that she'll still be around, like an angel,' she said. She touched my hand gently.

‘I hope so,' I said. ‘I miss her.'

‘There's something else,' Polly said. She went to reach into her bag, but hesitated. I knew why. I knew what was coming next.

‘Go on,' I said. ‘It's OK.'

She pulled out the other picture. ‘Keep him close,' she whispered as she held it out to me.

My hands were shaking as I took it from her. My heart ached from the inside out as I looked at the two of us, Jake and I, and our snowman Bobski.

‘Wherever he is, do you think he hates me?' I asked.

‘He'll always love you,' Polly said.

The tears came falling from my eyes.

‘And he's probably taking the piss out of you for being such a pussy.' She laughed through her own tears.

‘I wish he knew how sorry I was,' I said.

‘Tell him,' she said. ‘You never know, he might still be around.'

‘Do you think?'

‘Oh, come on,' she said, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her jumper. ‘He's probably waiting and biding his time for the perfect chance to haunt us all.'

I looked at the picture, at his face, and in my mind, I went straight back to that day; to screaming laughs, numb fingers, and pelting each other with snowballs. We were so young, so innocent. So happy.

I never thought in a million years that it would come to an end.

‘You OK?' Polly asked.

I held the picture to my chest. ‘I miss him so much, Pol,' I said.

‘I bet he misses you more,' she said. She moved her body next to mine and she took my head and held it to her chest. My body shook with the tears and I realised that the sadness was crushing. My heart was well and truly broken, into a million pieces.

‘It's going to be OK,' she said into my hair. ‘I'm not going to let you go.'

I caved into all my urges; I let all the fear of letting her be there for me go. I curled up into her and I cried for Jake, for my broken heart, and for all the future memories that we'd never get to make.

‘I hate him,' I said.

‘Who?'

‘Who do you think?'

‘I know,' she said softly. ‘He's going to get his dues, though, he won't be getting out of that prison for a very long time.'

‘It's not enough,' I said. ‘It'll never be enough.'

I curled back in to her and my mind wandered to him. I wondered if he realised all the carnage he'd caused, all the hearts he'd broken, all the lives he'd ruined – and for what? I still didn't know why he did it. I don't think I'll ever know.

Jake was gone, but it wasn't just his life Nathan took away that night: each and every one of us connected to him had to live with what Nathan had done for the rest of our lives.

I wondered what he was doing now, if he knew, and if he was sorry.

Dear Jake,

I went to our bench today for the first time since that night. They've put a plaque on it: “In Loving Memory of Jake Coldridge”, and it's got the day you were born and the day you died on it. When I saw it, my legs gave way underneath me, and Polly and Ed had to hold me up. They said it's a place I can always go to feel close to you, but I'm not sure if I will. It feels wrong sitting there now, without you. Especially knowing it was the place you took your last breath and knowing that I should have been there with you, holding your hand.

I've been out of the hospital for a week now, and I'm learning to take things one day at a time. There are good days and bad days, but there isn't a day where you're not the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning.

I'm back home with Dad. Don't worry, I think he might have had a secret lobotomy while I was away. He's kicked Jackie to the kerb, he's stopped drinking, and he's even cleaned the house. He's not said sorry to me yet for any of it but I kind of figured out that, sometimes, actions are more important than words. I'd rather this than him saying sorry a thousand times over but not changing anything. The day I got back, he took me upstairs saying he had a surprise for me. He'd done up my bedroom: painted it, got all new furniture and curtains and everything. He'd actually listened to me when I said one day in a therapy session with him and David that I was frightened to go back to my old bedroom, because of all the bad memories. He even bought a new string for my guitar – well, he had to take Ed and Polly with him because he didn't know what to buy, but still. He said he nearly came out with a drum kit, as a hobby for himself, but he resisted. He said he'll try and get a job instead.

I went round to see your mum this morning. It was her who suggested I write a letter to you. When she asked me how I was feeling, now I was out, I said to her that there was so much I wanted to say to you but I'd never get the chance. She told me she'd been writing to you. She leaves the letters on your pillow, just in case you come back at all. She said you'd see them there. That's where I'm going to leave this one.

When I was still in the hospital, I asked her what it felt like for her, because I wondered if she felt the same things I did. She told me it was like she was in a car, being driven by someone else through some really scary, high-up mountain roads. She said she's in the back with you and you're holding on to each other for dear life. When the car goes round a sharp bend, she closes her eyes because she's so scared. When she opens them, the car door is open and you're gone. You've fallen out the car and down the mountain and she's screaming at the driver to stop so she can go and get you, but he won't. You're gone and there's nothing she can do about it. Nothing at all.

She's strong, Jake, really strong – but she's broken. You can see it in her eyes. They don't have the same sparkle they used to. I worry about her, that she's on her own in the house and you're not there, but she says it's OK. She says it's too quiet without us running round, and getting on her nerves, so she keeps the radio or TV on all the time. She's got the puppy, Callie, to keep her occupied as well. She's six months old now and a proper terror. You'd be going mental if you could see her. She chews up everything and when you ring the doorbell, she goes crazy. Your mum said I can take Callie out for a walk at any time.

Polly, Ed, and I are going to go up to some little village in the Peak District soon, to see Josie. She got out a month before me. Her aunt, her mum's sister, said she could go and live with her and it's been amazing for her. She gets to be who she wants to be and she says she's got all that nature around her. Her aunt said we can go up and stay for the weekend, and Ed passed his driving test a couple of months ago, so we're going to have a road trip up there. I'm quite looking forward to it. Ed fancies the pants off her and flirted with her loads when he came in to see me. We decided not to tell him straight away that she's a total cock phobic (her words) to wind him up. When we eventually broke the news to him, Josie said she fancies Polly and they pretended to have a bit of a snog and Ed screeched and ran off, but I was quite turned on by it, if I'm honest. I don't reckon I'll let them do it again, though. I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Nathan's trial starts in the autumn. He's probably going to get manslaughter. I have to be a witness but I get to do it by video link and I am so glad, because I don't want to see him. I don't think I could see him and not hurt him the way he hurt you. I'm not going to say any more about him because I don't want to upset you.

I hope you don't hate me for leaving you there, Jake. I still wonder what you thought when I ran off. I'm hoping that what your mum said was right, and that the artery being cut would have meant you died quickly. You wouldn't have known you were dying, then. It would have been instant. You wouldn't have had time to get scared. Those are my only saving graces.

I need you to know now, though, how sorry I am. I should have been there, holding your hand as you left this world. I should have been telling you everything was going to be OK, or made some stupid joke or something, anything as long as I was there. I'll never forgive myself for it. Every time I think about it, even now, my stomach fills with dread but I've come to terms with the fact I'll never get over that, I just have to learn to live with it.

I honestly never thought I would lose you, Jake. I think we all seem to have it in our heads that we're immortal when we're not. Anything can happen, at any time, and I really don't think I ever told you how much you meant to me. I didn't need to, did I? In my head, you were never going anywhere.

I'll tell you now. You meant the world to me, Jake. We never went a day without seeing each other and you were always, always there for me when I needed you. You stuck up for me without question, even if you thought I was wrong. You looked after me. You made me laugh all the time, even when you weren't trying. You even shared your mum with me. There's this huge Jake-shaped hole in my life now, but I will always hold you in my heart. I fucking loved you, man, more than you'll ever know. I can't believe you're gone, Jake. It still doesn't seem real. I still keep expecting you to pop out at any moment, and tell me you were only joking and congratulate yourself for pulling the biggest prank of your life on me. I'd give anything to have just one more hour with you. Just so I could see you one more time.

I know I can't, so I have to go now. I've got a whole world waiting for me out there, and I know that you'd want me to go and live my life, so that's what I'm going to do, even though I'm crying at the thought of saying goodbye.

If you haven't already, go and find my mum up there in heaven. She'll look after you, just like yours is looking after me down here. And can you tell her I love her? And give her a kiss from me.

I miss you so much, man, but I'll definitely see you soon, yeah? Make sure you're there waiting for me, or I'm gonna come and find you, and kick your arse.

In the meantime, no flirting with the angels. Leave them alone. They're pure and don't need corrupting by you.

Love you, man. With everything I have.

Be good.

Adam xxx

With Special Thanks to

The Accent YA Blog Squad

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