The Desire to Touch (23 page)

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We pull up outside Hooch’s and Trey turns to me,

“I wish I could work you out, I want to know you, I mean really know you.”

What the hell?

“Trust me the feeling is more than mutual, I could say the same about you!”

“You only let me in so far though Ellie, why?”

My stomach starts to knot and the bile from my stomach starts to rise again – if it keeps on like this I may have to get checked for reflux or an ulcer.

“We’ve known each other three days and to be honest I don’t even know what
we
are.”

“I thought we were friends, aren’t we?” he looks surprised.

“There you go then, we are friends and you don’t need to know more,” I struggle not to spit the bile at him through hurt.

“I’ll see you around.” I hiss at him climbing out of the car and walking toward the entrance of Hooch.

“Ellie, please you don’t understand I…”

Meagan shouts at me cutting him off, I soften my appearance as she approaches and throws her arms around me.

“Thank God you’re here, seriously Lucas is nearly in tears, I’ve never seen him like this.”

I turn to Trey who is still in the car watching so I wave and force a smile, he gets out of the car and goes to speak but I take that as my cue to walk away. Meagan links arms with me and walks with me to the entrance.

“Oh I forgot something, I’ll catch you up in a minute.” She runs back out of the club and I continue backstage to try and find Lucas.

I head straight for his dressing room and find him sat in front of the mirror with his head in his hands.

“Hey,” I call as I lean against the doorway, it feels so horrible seeing the man whose emotions can’t be touched, looking a mess. Lucas lifts his head and turns to look at me, he jumps up from his chair and runs to me, throwing his arms around me and holding me so very tight. “It’ll be ok, you’ll get through this.”

“What have I done?” Lucas looks at me and tears prick up in his eyes.

“You’ve followed human nature Lucas, how did you find out?”

“Meagan was with me helping me sort the set and Becky came in, she just blurted it out.”

“What did you say?”

“Asked if it was mine and she left.”

“Ouch Lucas, probably not the best thing to ask.”

I reach up and hold his face in my hands, “What the fuck am I going to do Ellie? I’m twenty five, I’m nowhere near ready to be a dad.”

“Well, first things first we are going to do this performance before Jerry has you shot, then we are going to sit down and you’re going to call her and talk.”

“I want to run,” a tear falls down his cheek.”

“I know you do more than anyone I know, but you won’t, you can’t run from this and pretend to be happy. Lucas you can’t be a slag all your life,” I smile, “Once you’ve talked you can then decide what’s best but for now you can’t make any rash decisions. Has it ever crossed your mind that you may actually like someone for more than the five minutes you normally give them?”

He looks at me, nods and wipes the tear from his cheek.

“Now – you really want me to attempt not to sound like a strangled cat?”

He walks over to the table and grabs a bow tie, “Meagan sings your praises and you know I trust her implicitly, as I do you.”

I laugh, “Doesn’t mean I’ll be any good.”

“She said you used to sing in a club?”

“Yeah it was a weekly thing I was given a spot, though I think anyone who could hold a tune was given one so don’t think I’m some kind of superstar.”

“Not what Meagan says,” He fusses with the tie, “She said it was always packed when you were on. How come you stopped?”

I look down at my cardigan cuff and play with it, “Rick.”

“Oh. No explanation needed doll.”

I take a deep breath and walk up to do his tie, “He said that when ever I sang, I sang for him.” The bile rises again, I’m going to have to see a doctor for this! “That night he tried to take my voice too so no one else would ever hear it.”

“Deep.”

“Very,” I swallow and try to carry on as normal. “Come on then, where do you want me?”

“Are you sure you’re going to be ok to do this, then?” He palms the top of his hair smoothing it out again.

“Got to get back on the horse at some point, eh?”

“Well we don’t have time to practice now, I’m so sorry to throw you in at the deep end. It’s ok though, you’ll be sitting next to me and you can just sing at my side.”

Lucas knows me so well, to give himself as a shield for me to use means a lot.

“Your outfit is over there,” he points to a rail that holds various outfits and dresses, “You’re wearing the black and white sixties dress.”

I pick it up and stare at the skimpy Mary Quant style dress debating how I’m going to get into it.

“I don’t know if this will fit?” I look at him worried.

“Sure it will, just suck in when you zip up.”

“Ok…but wouldn’t it be more relevant if you told me what song we are singing as I may need to rehearse by myself in the hour we have left.”

“Sorry yes it’s ‘Something Stupid’, the good old Sinatra duet.”

“Great, that’s a hard one to do without practicing, I better get learning.”

He finishes in the mirror and grabs my shoulders, “Like I said I trust you both, on the plus if you’re really awful I suppose we could turn it into a comedy act.”

“Ha! Hold on to that thought.”

I walk with the dress over towards the divider in the room, which defines room from changing room.

After struggling to get into it, I walk back into the room with everything squeezed into the ridiculously tight dress which I think should hang looser.

“Sit over here doll, Mary-Claire will do your hair and makeup.”

He turns to the girl, “You know the look of Nancy go bouffant and if you can get some loose curls in there.”

I sit and Miss 6ft 2 short black bob gives me a sarcastic smile, she pulls a brush out of her bag then sets to work putting rollers in my hair and adds tons of makeup to my face.

I download the song onto my phone and listen to it, practicing over and over trying to get the pitch and memorise the words.

After thirty minutes of relentless pampering, I sit stunned by the reflection looking back at me, I’m a sixties pin up!

I check the messages on my phone just to see if I’ve accidentally missed a text from someone - nothing. Would he still say we were ‘friends’ if he could see me now? I hear Lucas singing one of his numbers and with the live band he sounds amazing. I could sit and watch him a million times and still be in complete awe of him.

I stand and pull the creeping dress down
a bit and look at Mary-Claire, “Wow.”

She warms a bit, “Looks good.”

“You’re a miracle worker,” I look back at myself in the mirror.

She laughs, “Not really, is this your first time?”

“Singing? No but it has been a lifetime, so I feel like its all brand new.”

“Well you’ll be fine.” She glances down at my wrist then looks back at me giving the same reaction I’ve had a thousand times, pity floods her eyes.

Change of subject come on, think…“He sounds so amazing, I’ll never get used to it.”

She smiles at me as
she starts to pack up her bag. Awkwardness fills the silence so I grab my phone and send a text to Meagan:

I can’t believe I’m doing this! Shitbags!!!!

You owe me x

Pretty much straight away my phone pings:

Meagan xxx

19 Sep 2012 08:35pm

Got a gr8 table we can’t wait

    to see you sing again! xx

We? Oh she must have Lacey with her to see me make a fool of myself in public, I reply:

:P x

The nerves start to emerge through my body again, I take a deep breath just to try and steady them but it just makes me want to hyperventilate.

I hear the MC speak and a large applause ensues, oh wow that sounds like a really big crowd.

Lucas appears in the doorway,

“Hey Doll,” Sweat drips from his forehead, “Looking good Ellie, wow! You know what you’re doing right?”

I swallow hard causing the butterflies in my stomach to start up again, “I’ve learnt the words,” I hold my stomach to calm it, “I’m sorry if it’s awful, I think I’ve got the pitch to start at.”

“Listen,” he wipes his head with a towel, “It’s so hot under those lights, we will be fine, you’re with me and if you’re that bad they’ll turn your mic down.” He winks and starts to undress.

The nerves are starting to get the better of me and I can feel myself shake as if I were cold. Devil girl appears and starts writing her obituary while Angel girl is warming up her voice.

“You haven’t heard me sing though!”

Lucas grabs my shoulders making me jump, “Stop it! You’re over-thinking things again.”

I drop my shoulders in defeat and smile, “Ok.”

“We’ve got fifteen minutes I’ve ordered you a drink, I need to change quick.”

Jerry appears at the door and smiles his intimidatingly creepy smile, he leans into the door frame and crosses his arms while he looks at me for a second then saunters into the room making a b-line.

“Ellie.” Jerry smiles.

In nothing but a pair of boxers Lucas spots Jerry and manages to jump in front me, cutting Jerry off.

“Hi,” I wave over Lucas’s shoulder.

“So nice of you to help us out tonight, does your uncle know you’re here?”

Shit!

“Yes Meagan has told Brendan.” Lucas informs him.

A young girl, no older than twenty one, walks in with a tray of drinks balanced on one hand, she spots Lucas and instantly blushes.

“Ah drinks,” Lucas seems grateful for the distraction.

He hands me a white wine and he grabs a tumbler, after necking the contents he passes the glass back to the waitress who turns on her heel and leaves showing him her best walk. I take three consecutive gulps of the wine and almost instantly feel the warmth of the alcohol run through me. Shit! I still haven’t eaten since lunch, heeding my own warning I place the glass on the side knowing it would be safer this way.

“Lucas tells me you met our tailor today Ellie?” Jerry comes closer as Lucas has moved from his spot to start dressing.

“Yes, erm Lorenzo? Very nice man.” I Smile.

Lucas pulls on some charcoal suit trousers and grabs a clean shirt.

“Well its best if you don’t tell anyone about going there,” Jerry says winking at me.

I nod with understanding. Why the hell is everyone dragging me into their dodgy shit?

“Good girl,” Jerry smiles in his creepy way and turns to walk out of the room, “And Lucas, do not let me down.”

“Have I yet?”

Jerry walks out and Lucas looks at me smiling, “We don’t mention the friends remember?”

“Yes I think I’ve got that message loud and clear.”

I look down at my feet, “Lucas I have no shoes.”

“Wing it, go barefoot, Nancy did on some performances.”

“Are you like the walking Wiki on her or something,” I laugh.

Lucas finishes dressing and walks to Mary-Claire for her to re-gel his hair to the side. The wine has finally worked its magic and now I feel ready to take on the world, I go to grab my bangle through force of habit but I realise I still haven’t got anything.

Shit!

“Two minutes to curtain.” A little voice shouts into the room.

Mary-Claire is still trying to sort Lucas’s hair and he looks at me, “What’s up?”

I look up at him and raise my arm to show him my wrist.

“Erm,” he starts scanning the room, “M-C I need your bracelet for Ellie’s outfit, you can have it straight back afterwards and I just think it’ll finish it off.”

She shrugs and removes it, passes it to me and then goes back to fighting with Lucas’s hair. I slip it on and it covers the scar, just, but I feel less self - conscious. Lucas leaves Mary-Claire and walks to me and clasps my hand.

“Ready?”

“No!” I shake and the nerves are back attacking my body. I’ve changed my mind, I don’t want to do this anymore.

Lucas leads me out of the room, down the hall and we stop in the wings of the stage. My heart is pounding in my ears and I can see the little squiggly lines in my eyes. The wine has made me giggle more than be nervous now. I tell myself to behave and force a straight face, I hum a quick note to check how I sound but I start to giggle again. A hand appears in front of me and places a mic in my hand and then an earpiece gets popped into my ear. I look at Lucas who still has hold of my right hand and he looks down at me,