The Disappearing Girl (14 page)

I stopped breathing. Involuntarily, I took a step back as I tried to register what I was seeing. Taylor was answering Cameron’s doorway, dressed in one of his Rutgers t-shirts. She yawned and stretched lazily as she looked me up and down.

Taylor smirked. “Cameron didn’t tell me you were coming by this morning.”

I found my voice. “What are you doing here?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I spent the night,” she said with a shrug. Her shapely legs were bare, the t-shirt barely covering her thighs. After another yawn, she said dryly, “Sorry, we didn’t get to sleep until after three.”

I dug my fingernails into my palm. I should’ve seen this coming, I thought. I should’ve known better than to believe Cameron was as perfect as he appeared to be.

I had to leave. My heart was shriveling up, the pain snatching my breath away. I hadn’t let anyone get that close to me in a long time, shutting myself off since my father died. Cameron had seen glimpses of the real me and I had hoped to one day let him in completely. Instead, I was destined to be alone. My only possible consolation was his baby—a baby I wasn’t sure I’d be able to take care of.

“Kayla …” His voice, the drowsy voice I usually loved, broke into my thoughts.

My eyes were watery as I peeked past Kayla and saw him coming out of his bedroom. His hair stuck up in tufts and he wore a tank top and boxers. Rubbing his eyes, he stared at me, seemingly unsure if I was real or not.

There was a scream somewhere inside of me, urging to be freed. Instead, I fled as if my life depended on it. I was always running, but never reaching where I needed to be.

“Kayla! Stop!”

Blindly, I stormed down the stairs. The only thing I saw was the memory of Taylor’s smug smile when she answered the door. She’d been triumphant. I had suspected for a while she wanted me out of the way, and her wish had come true. I was destroyed, lamenting how everything good in my life was always taken away prematurely.

“Kayla, please! Will you listen to me for one second?” Cameron’s demanding voice was close, too close. I had to get away from him. I couldn’t hear the words pass from his lips. I couldn’t survive the admission of his unfaithfulness. To think of him in bed with another while I had his baby inside me brought on a powerful wave of nausea.

“Kayla,” he said, breathless, grabbing me by my shoulders.

As he tried to turn me around, I pleaded, “Please, Cameron, let me go. I can’t even look at you.”

“I have no idea what Taylor said to you, but nothing happened. She’s only here because she was too wasted last night to drive home.”

I dared a glance back at him. The rain was plastering his hair to his forehead. His eyes were begging me to believe him, trying to convey he would never hurt me in that way.

“Why was she wearing nothing more than your t-shirt?”

“She asked me to borrow one to sleep in. I gave it to her before I went to bed and she crashed on the couch.” I turned my head away from him, but he continued to speak. “Nothing happened.”

“Cameron, it’s obvious how she feels about you. I’m not sure I believe it was an innocent sleepover.”

“After everyone left, she tried to kiss me,” he acknowledged. “I turned her down and she apologized, saying she had too much to drink. She lives forty-five minutes away and I knew neither of us could drive. I can only imagine how it must’ve looked for her to answer the door.”

I wiped at the moisture on my cheeks. “I should go …”

“Kayla, no.” He sounded tortured. Seizing both of my hands in his, he continued, “I’m crazy about you. I don’t want Taylor; I don’t want anyone but you.”

It was evident that he was willing me to acknowledge the truth in his words. It was jarring to be confronted with the idea that Cameron wasn’t out to slaughter my fragile heart. Instead, he seemed to genuinely want only me.

Our mouths came together and we were kissing desperately. I wanted to kiss him into oblivion, revel in the taste of him intermingled with the spring rain.

His breathing was labored as he pressed his forehead to mine. “Come inside. You’re soaking wet. We can talk to Taylor and she’ll reassure you nothing happened.”

I grimaced. “I don’t want to see her. She pretty much insinuated you had slept with her.”

Anger flashed in his eyes. “I’ll get rid of her. I’m sorry if she made you think anything happened. I swear I’d never do that to you.” Squeezing my hand, he led me toward the building. Taylor was walking into the foyer as we were heading up the stairs. She was dressed in the skirt and blouse she must have worn the night before.

Cameron scowled at her. “I don’t know what kind of game you thought you were playing, but I don’t want any part of it. Don’t call me again.”

“Cam, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“Taylor, I’m done. I tried to be your friend, but I’m over your jealous bullshit,” he snarled at her.

Taylor pressed her lips together in a hard line. “Fine,” she huffed out. “If you’re willing to throw away years of friendship on some girl you barely know, then it’s your loss.” Stomping around Cameron, she grumbled in my direction, “You hurt him and you’ll have to deal with me.”

“Get away from me,” I said softly. Her heels clicked against the wood flooring in the hallway at her retreat.

Leading me inside, Cameron shut the door with a groan. “Not the way I wanted us to start our Sunday.” At my silence, Cameron peered at me curiously. “Don’t let Taylor get to you. Don’t give her the satisfaction of coming between us.”

“That’s not it.” A fresh onslaught of tears threatened to spill down my cheeks as he moved closer. It was too much for me, getting off one emotional rollercoaster, only to get right back on another.

I tried to take comfort in being near him. The fabric of his tank top was clinging to his chest, soaked from kissing me in the rain. I could relive the kiss to distract me from the hurt.

“Kayla, you’re shaking. Let’s get you into something dry and I’ll make us some coffee.”

Before he could move away, I gripped his forearm. “Cameron, I came here because my period is late. I think I may be pregnant.” I couldn’t hold in my sobs any longer. “I brought a test over. I thought you could stay with me while I took it.”

Within seconds, his arms encircled my waist and I had my head pressed against his chest. “Baby, it’s going to be okay.”

Tilting my head back, I stared up at him. His eyes had softened and he grazed his thumb against my cheek. “We’ve been careful, but I could see why you’re scared. You’ll take the test and whatever the result is, we’ll figure it out together.”

I coveted his calm and level-headedness. I was splintering into a thousand pieces, questioning how I’d ever be able to pull it together enough to raise a baby. I clutched at his damp shirt, frantic, wondering if Cameron could anchor me enough to get control of my emotions.

Releasing his shirt, I reached into my purse to retrieve the pregnancy test. “I guess I should get it over with.”

There was something indiscernible in his expression, and I could tell he had more to say. I was frightened by his integrity, his readiness to do the right thing if the test came out positive. I retreated to the bathroom, fearful his words would break me even more. I was too vulnerable, weakened physically and mentally by hunger and depression.

Chapter Eighteen

“It was negative,” I said in a breathless rush, hurrying over to his bed.

At my approach, Cameron raised himself up on his elbows. Before he had a chance to reply, I jumped into his arms and buried my face in the crook of his neck. “I’m sorry for freaking out over a false alarm,” I muttered into his collar.

Alone in the bathroom, staring at the lines of the pregnancy test, I willed it to be only one line. Please, don’t make me have to eat, please don’t force me to put on weight for a baby, I prayed silently. I knew I was sick, I could feel myself barely hanging on to my sanity.

Brittany had texted and called me a dozen times since I left the dorm. Before I relayed the news to Cameron, I sent out a quick text to let her know the test was negative. She replied she had a sense it was a false alarm and guessed my period had stopped because of all of the weight I lost. I deleted her message, vanquishing her words, hoping to deny the truth behind them.

Cameron was silent, his lips in my hair. I pulled back from him. When I met his eyes, I found I couldn’t decipher his feelings. Cameron was usually an open book and I was apprehensive over what he was thinking. My gut told me I was too needy for him. He was handsome, sexy, and smart, and he didn’t have to waste his time on a girl that woke up some mornings questioning whether she could make it through the day.

“Cameron?”

“Yes?” He answered me, but his thoughts seemed far away.

“What are you thinking?”

A long minute passed. “I was just thinking how I wasn’t scared over the possibility of you being pregnant. I was more upset when I thought you were going to leave me because of Taylor.”

I gaped at him. “I don’t understand. I mean, do you want a baby?”

“I thought about it before and I definitely want kids. I’d love to be a father one day. Maybe it wouldn’t be the best time for us to become parents, but we could’ve made things work.” My Cameron, I thought affectionately, but I knew his optimism would be his undoing.

I laughed mirthlessly. “I’d be an awful mother.”

“How could you say that?” he asked. “I see the way you are with your sister. You’re always trying to look out for her.”

“You’d be an amazing dad,” I asserted. “But a child deserves a caring and loving mother.”

“Just stop it, Kayla.” Cameron sat up in the bed and his eyes darkened. “I can’t sit here and listen to you beat yourself up.” At my shocked expression, he puffed out a long sigh. “I’ve tried to be understanding. I can’t imagine what you must have gone through when you lost your father. You’re still grieving and your mother is too selfish to help you through it.”

“Cameron—” I started uncertainly.

He held up his hand to silence me. “Let me finish. There are a lot of things I’ve wanted to say to you for a long time, but I see this vulnerable side and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. But I feel like you may need to talk to someone to help you through your grief.”

“What? Like a therapist?”

“Would that be so bad? Maybe it’d be easier to talk to a stranger. When I try to talk to you about certain things, I can feel you checking out. I care about you and it’s killing me to see you in pain.”

“You’ve never told me that’s how you felt. I thought you were happy.” I slid across the bed until my back was turned to him.

“Kayla, I’m not telling you this because I’m unhappy. I catch you in these moments where you’re incredibly sweet and funny and I fall for you all over again.” I squirmed out of his grasp when his arms surrounded me from behind.

“There’s a but,” I whispered harshly.

“
But
, there are other times when I see how sad you are. The way you barely eat, the way your clothes have started to fall off you. Kayla, when we’re in bed together, you hide from me under the covers …”

“I don’t have to listen to this.” I stood up and took a step toward the bedroom door.

Cameron stepped around me and blocked the exit. “Why can’t you see I’m only telling you this because I want to help? Your father sounds like an amazing guy and it must be hell for you to think about the day you found him. And instead of having a mom who tries to help you deal with the pain, she tries to poison you by making you feel like you’re not good enough to be her daughter. I can tell you that you’re beautiful and incredible until the day I die. But your mom has damaged you to the point where you’ll only see yourself as worthless.”

What a fool I’d been to think Cameron was oblivious to my dark side. He had only feigned ignorance, protecting me, holding on to the hope I’d find a way to pull myself out of the bottomless well I’d fallen into.

My instincts urged me to break things off with him, tell him he was off base, his theories about my life were erroneous, and I couldn’t be with someone who thought I was a pathetic thing needing a savior.

But in two and a half months, my life had intersected with Cameron’s in a way I couldn’t brush off. I stayed at his apartment more nights than I slept at the dorm. I would drift off in his arms, safe from the nightmares, his presence chasing away the horrors inside the hidden corners of my mind.

“I’m not sure what to say,” I mumbled. “I can’t look you in the face and claim the things you’re saying aren’t true. But I want you to know no matter how messed up I am, you’re important to me and I honestly have never felt this way about anyone.”

His shoulders sagged with relief. “I feel the same way about you. I can’t stand the thought of you hurting. Will you at least think about seeing a doctor?”

Reluctantly, I nodded. I was ashamed I needed help, but if I didn’t do something, I would continue the endless spiral, falling deeper and deeper into my pit of self-loathing.

Chapter Nineteen

“What’s the plan for Little Kayla? Are we bringing her to the Alpha Psi Chi party?” Brittany darkened my doorway and shot Lila a sly smile. Lila dropped the magazine she was thumbing through and perked up at the mention of a party.

“You’re not corrupting my sister this weekend.”

Brittany pouted. “Your sister is no fun,” she said to Lila before addressing me, “What’s the plan then? You’re not going to drag the poor girl to Cam’s and force her to sit there while the two of you hook up?”

“No,” I replied hotly. “I told Cameron we were having a night of sisterly bonding.”

Brittany winked at Lila. “No worries, Little Kayla. Your sister sleeps like the dead. I’ll spring you once she passes out.”

“Would you like to eat dinner with us? I could see if Jess and Danielle want to come along, too?” I asked.

“The twins went home for the weekend, but I’ll come to dinner. Are you actually going to eat this time?” Brittany’s light tone sounded forced as she spoke to Lila. “Can you please tell your sister she has lost enough weight?”

As Brittany and Lila locked eyes, I could see something silent pass between them. Lila nervously bit her lip and tried to mimic Brittany’s levity. “I know, right? What are you, like a hundred pounds now?”