The Disappearing Girl (2 page)

Then night would come, and my stomach would become dissatisfied with the slim helpings during the day. It would twist and beg to be fed something more than carrot sticks. I tried to distract myself, but nothing worked. Once my mother and sister were in bed, I’d leave the house on a mission for sustenance.

My car had become a safe haven for reckless eating, and I ate whatever I craved the most. Sometimes that meant ordering the entire dollar menu at McDonald’s or grabbing a bucket of chicken from KFC. When I went into a feeding frenzy, I didn’t have a chance to enjoy the taste of the food—it was more about getting the most food into my body as quickly as possible.

The purging became second nature. As I binged, I could feel the growing nausea threatening and the food begging to be released from my body. Although the aftereffects were unsettling—my eyes were bloodshot, and my throat ached—the emotional release I felt brought an overpowering sense of relief.

I was no longer comfortable in my own skin. When I undressed, I would stare at the flab on my body and feel compelled to shut my eyes to block out the source of my revulsion. Somehow, my mother’s condemnations had snuck into my subconscious and altered my perception of myself.

My mom helped me load up my car on the day I was set to return to campus. Her piercing gaze softened as she gave me a quick once-over. “I’ve noticed how much effort you’ve put into your diet,” she said. “It’s really starting to show.”

Two weeks of extreme dieting and a nightly ritual of vomiting had been what I needed to do in order to win my mom’s approval. I couldn’t even begin to psychoanalyze what it meant.

I shifted uncomfortably and took notice of how my clothes were hanging a little more loosely from my frame. I had weighed myself in the morning and found I’d lost five pounds. The few pieces of size eight clothing I owned fit perfectly, and I hadn’t bothered to pack the outfits I kept for my chunkier days.

Mom embraced me in an awkward hug, but I stood there stiffly, not sure what to make of the sudden impromptu show of affection. I hated that something inside of me preened from her sudden attention. I wanted to be stronger, not just happy that I’d finally done something she deemed worthwhile.

I was self-aware enough to know our relationship wasn’t healthy. She wasn’t the worst mother in the world, but her own personal demons prevented her from giving Lila and me the unselfish love we craved the most. Our father spoiled us. He teased us with that type of love before disappearing from our lives way too soon.

When my mother released me, I snatched Lila up in my arms and hugged her as if our lives depended on it. I whispered promises into her ear and begged her to call me if she needed anything. I had the strongest impulse to steal her away and concoct an elaborate plan to smuggle her into my dorm.

Tears pricked my eyes as I drove away from home. Lila and my mother stood side by side on the sidewalk, watching me leave. My heart ached for Lila, but a selfish part of me finally felt like I could breathe once again. I no longer had to go day to day and worry about whether I’d be the cause of my mother’s everlasting discontent. I was going to be twenty-one the next month, but I was still controlled by my mother’s whims.

Brittany had arrived first, and she met me outside. I double-parked so I could unload everything into our dorm. As juniors, we had preferred housing, and we lived in one of the three-story townhouses on campus. The townhouses were clustered in a large complex and housed juniors and seniors exclusively. Trenton College was small, with all the dorms and academic buildings within walking distance of one another.

Brittany had been my roommate since our freshman year, and we’d been inseparable since we met. I envied her fearlessness and her ability to feel comfortable being the center of attention. She was different from my bookish high school friends, but I liked the idea of living vicariously through Brittany.

Our floor had four single rooms, with Brittany and me sharing the space with a set of twins named Danielle and Jessica. We’d grown close to the other girls since the last semester, and I’d kept in touch with them over break through email and texting.

Brittany said, “I’m so glad to be back! I swear, if my parents made me work at the restaurant one more time, I was going to lose it.” Her parents owned a small Italian restaurant in North Jersey. According to Brittany, the tips were crap and the customers were rude.

“I’m happy to be back, too. My mother was driving me nuts,” I admitted.

“And how was Charlotte Marlowe? Did she go into a tizzy because she spotted a split end?” Brittany joked. Brittany had grown accustomed to the outrageous tales about my mother.

Brittany was naturally pretty, with short, curly black hair and dark eyes. Her Italian heritage rewarded her with a year-round tan and a metabolism that allowed her to seemingly eat whatever she wanted and not gain an ounce.

“No, but she hinted I was grossly overweight and would remain single forever because of it,” I said.

“Your mother has issues.” Brittany shook her head emphatically as she propped open the heavy aluminum door of the townhouse. I coasted by her carrying one of my suitcases and headed up the two flights of steps with Brittany following me. “Besides, you look amazing,” she said. “You’ve definitely lost weight; I can see it in your face. Great job, Kayla.”

I bristled at the compliment. I’d always found it exceedingly strange how easily girls judged and shared their assessments of one another’s weight. But I couldn’t claim to be one of the innocents; I’d stood by with my friends, listening while they dissected who had lost and gained weight over summer vacations.

Brittany’s comment made me question how I’d looked before. Had I needed to lose weight? Is that why Brittany felt inclined to congratulate me on the weight loss? My paranoia set in and I wondered whether I had blinders on before and hadn’t seen how heavy I’d become.

“Thanks,” I mumbled as I unlocked my room and rolled the suitcase inside. My single was tiny, just enough room for my twin bed, desk, dresser, and nightstand. There was also a small closet where I was able to fit most of my clothing. A bathroom and kitchen in the common area was shared with the three other girls on the floor.

Brittany stood in the doorway. “How’s your schedule? Did you get all the classes you wanted?”

I nodded. Most of the classes in my junior year were focused on the core courses I needed for graduation. I was majoring in journalism and looking to land a position on the campus newspaper, but nothing had opened up. In the meantime, I’d been publishing web articles to build a portfolio I could use after graduation. The pay wasn’t bad and the topics were easy to research. My mother didn’t think I was cutthroat enough to be a journalist, and I sometimes wondered if she had a point. My passion lied in sharing human-interest stories.

I asked, “What about you?”

Brittany was an elementary education major and would spend most of the semester student teaching. She wasn’t exactly thrilled over the development since it would cut into her late-night partying. Besides frequenting fraternity parties, Brittany’s twenty-first birthday in November allowed her access to the bars on and around campus. She had joked that she had a countdown clock for my upcoming birthday.

“Yes, I’ve received my student teaching assignment. I’ll be working with third-graders; kids are still pretty cute at that age, so I’m happy. Once they hit fourth and fifth grade, they begin to get whiny and annoying.”

It was good to be home, I thought, as we caught up on what was going on in our lives. Maybe I could forget about winter vacation and get in shape the old-fashioned way. I had free access to a fitness center on campus, and I was certain I could find plenty of low-calorie foods to choose from at the school eateries. I knew I couldn’t eat with abandon like before.

Although the compliments about my weight loss were off-putting, it was nice to be told I looked good. I’d never needed the validation before, but experiencing a taste of it made me crave it. I would use my perfectionist tendencies to turn my body into something beautiful.

Chapter Three

My head was pounding the next day as I picked up my textbooks from the campus store. Brittany and I stayed up until after two in the morning, participating in a gossip fest. The twins had arrived a few hours after I had settled in, and we got caught up with them. Danielle and Jessica were charming girls from Maryland, both amazing field hockey players. I found it very surprising the way they turned into savage beasts on the field, considering their normally laid-back personalities.

Brittany had picked up subs and bags of chips around midnight from the Wawa five minutes away from the campus. Although I’d made a pledge to eat healthier, it was hard to resist the temptation once the food was in front of me. It took all my resolve to not eat it, and I went to bed hungry. I decided to skip breakfast as well and instead set off for the bookstore to get everything I needed for my classes, which would be starting the next day.

My messenger bag was laden with newly purchased textbooks as I cut through the Student Center. The Student Center had a large atrium in the middle, with couches and tables where people could study between classes. The Student Center was the central building on campus and housed the bookstore, information desk, computer lab, and a sandwich shop. Student groups and vendors usually had tables set up along the walkways. Since it was the first week of classes, the building was overcrowded.

As I walked toward the exit, a figure carrying a clipboard stepped into my pathway. I let out an annoyed breath and I knew I was in for a lengthy spiel. Getting accosted by overzealous vendors in the Student Center was commonplace.

“Hi there.” The soft voice was male, with a deep timbre. I lifted my gaze to meet his and found a pair of electric blue eyes twinkling in my direction. His hair was medium brown, with lighter blond streaks that looked to come naturally from the sun. He had a mussed hairstyle going on that may have been unintentional, or could have meant he spent twenty minutes in front of the mirror to perfect the look. Since he stood a full head above my five-foot-three, his chin was tilted down to look at me.

“Good morning, would you be interested in signing up for a student MasterCard?”

I rolled my eyes. It wasn’t surprising he was chosen for that particular job. A man as gorgeous as he was would have the girls lining up around the block to sign up for a new credit card. “No thanks.”

I went to sidestep him and he shot me a disarming smile. His smile was sexy, without any traces of smarminess. I found myself staring at his lips as he spoke.

“You get a free t-shirt and a coffee mug for just filling out the application.”

“And in exchange I get a card with an outrageous twenty-five percent APR? I think I’ll pass,” I said dryly.

His smile grew bigger. “You can cut up the card if you get approved. You don’t have to use it.”

“I don’t think I could withstand the temptation.”

He looked amused by my response. “I’m Cameron.”

My pulse picked up and I was startled by my instantaneous attraction to him. A guy hadn’t excited me in a long time. I’d had a few casual dates since I went away to college, but nothing that gave me the butterflies I was suddenly experiencing.

At my silence, he remarked, “Not telling me your name?”

“It’s nothing personal, I just don’t like credit card sales reps.” I smiled shyly at him to reduce the sting of my words. I was awkward when it came to flirtatious banter. I always envied how easily it came to Brittany and Tami.

He laughed heartily. “A blanket judgment, but interesting to know.”

I reached for the clipboard he was holding and he handed me a pen. I could feel his eyes on me as I scribbled my answers in the different fields. If I didn’t know better, I would guess he was scoping me out. I talked myself out of that notion, figuring he was using some sort of sales tactic to get me to sign up. His commission was most likely dependent on how many naïve girls he charmed into filling out applications.

Once I finished, I held out the clipboard to him. He set it aside and I took the offered bag containing my free t-shirt and mug. “Thanks,” I said, and I turned to go.

“I’ll be here all week if you feel like stopping back,” he called as I took a few steps away from him.

I dared a look back. His gray, button-down shirt was tailored exactly to his body and I could make out the ridges of his lean, muscular frame. His hands were stuck inside the pockets of his black pants and he had tilted back on his heels. I wanted to express an interest, but I wasn’t in the right state of mind. My head was a mess and it wasn’t a good time to get romantically involved with anyone.

I waved to him before hurrying away. Cameron had thrown me off balance. I was the girl who faded in the background, not the one who attracted sexy strangers. My past dates had the same personality I perceived in myself: They were quiet homebodies, more interested in their academic futures than in being social and going to parties. I assumed Cameron was the type of guy that demanded attention, his looks and personality easily overshadowing anyone else in his vicinity.

My self-confidence was at an all-time low. I’d cast myself in the role of a chubby plain Jane, and the categorization stuck, despite my friends telling me over and over again how pretty they thought I was. I needed to discover a way to feel better about myself.

As I passed the sandwich shop, I stopped in and bought only an apple and an orange, despite not having anything substantial to eat since the previous afternoon. I reasoned if I lost more weight, maybe I’d feel comfortable again in my own skin. My rationalizations, born out of insecurity, had taken over, and they would guide my every decision going forward.

Chapter Four

Thoughts of food consumed me, but every bite I took was torture. Guilt gnawed at me and took away any enjoyment I had over the taste of food. I designed convoluted food challenges to help me stave off hunger and offered up the chance to give myself a congratulatory pat on the back once I completed them. For one day, I vowed to eat only raw vegetables. Another day, I committed to skipping breakfast and lunch and only eating dinner. I had fast days, where I didn’t eat anything solid, surviving on water and Diet Coke.