The Disappearing Girl (26 page)

Brittany interrupted my thoughts. “Does anyone else know you’re back?” Brittany lifted her eyebrows suggestively.

“Not yet. I thought I’d plan something nice and surprise him. I hinted in an email to him last week I was hoping to be released soon,” I explained.

After I talked it over with my therapist, I started exchanging emails with Cameron about three weeks earlier. We hadn’t gotten into anything too heavy. They were mostly light-hearted notes that made me smile. I wasn’t afraid of our relationship anymore. I was only filled with hopeful expectation when I thought about Cameron.

“Well, I’ve been stalking him on Facebook all summer to make sure I didn’t see any posts or pictures of girls trying to make a move on him while you were away. He’s barely been online. I’m assuming he spent the summer pining for you, which makes it safe for you to be with him again,” Brittany said. “Enough boy talk for now. Get your lazy ass downstairs and help me bring up the rest of the stuff.”

“Glad to see you’re over treating me with kid gloves.”

As I followed her down the stairs, she spun on me suddenly. “I’m not sure what the rules are for talking about your appearance. But I just want you to know I think you look good. You look healthy.”

More importantly, I felt healthy. Before I left the clinic, I found out my weight. I was one hundred and ten pounds. I’d gained fourteen pounds during treatment. I wasn’t the same person leaving the facility. The number didn’t send me into a spiral, and I was at peace knowing my weight would most likely climb as I continued to eat a normal diet. I was comfortable in my own skin, and it felt incredible.

I was a work in progress, and two months at the River Center wouldn’t fix all the things in my life. I’d probably always have to remind myself to eat healthy and not plot out elaborate ways to stay skinny. I also had to deal with the conflicting emotions brought on by my parents. But I was gaining confidence in myself, and none of my problems seemed insurmountable any longer. The uncertainty of life didn’t cripple me as it had before.

Another change was my newfound willingness to ask for help when I needed it. Being in therapy or on antidepressants didn’t mean I was weak. They were only an acknowledgement that I was tired of struggling and needed help.

“Thanks Britt.” I rolled my eyes. “Now let’s get all your crap moved in so you can help me think up ways to win my guy back.”

I nixed most of Brittany’s plans to wow Cameron, since the majority of them were inspired by her latest obsession with BDSM books. As much as I wanted to rock Cameron’s world, I also wanted him to see the real me. I’d kept myself hidden, and a part of being the braver Kayla was showing him the pieces of me he’d been missing.

It was after six when the door to Cameron’s apartment opened. Angus ran over to greet his owner, and I giggled at the startled expression on his face when he saw me in his kitchen. His voice was strangled. “Kayla …”

It was a little cruel to scare him, and I was probably lucky he hadn’t chased me with the baseball bat he kept by the door in case of burglars. However, the look on his face was priceless.

“Your landlord remembered me and let me in here. You probably should think about living in a building with better security,” I teased.

Then the room fell away, and I was suddenly in his arms. The past dissolved, and it was only the two of us again. There was no hesitation as his lips found mine in a sensual kiss. I took him in completely, lost in how much I’d missed the taste of him. When we broke apart, he didn’t release me. His eyes held mine while his fingers slid over my jaw line.

“When did you get here?”

“About an hour ago,” I said and kissed him again. I wanted to fuse our lips together and never stop feeling them against my own. They were beautiful and sexy and when he deepened the kiss, they made everything below my belly clench tighter. Breathless from his kiss, I panted as I tried to speak. “I made us dinner. We took cooking classes in the center and it turns out I’m not half bad. You were always cooking for me, so I thought I’d return the favor.”

Cameron’s intense stare told me he understood. It was monumental for me—and one of many firsts I hoped to conquer with him before the end of the night. My eyes drank him in. He was casually sexy in a polo shirt and khaki pants, and I ran my hands down the front of the shirt. His chest and abs felt hard against my palms and lust snuck into his expression.

His eyes became hooded, and I suspected he knew the panty-dropping effect the look would have on me. I grimaced and slipped out of his arms. “I had a whole seduction plan mapped out in my head, and you’re ruining it.”

“Babe, I’m already seduced. If it didn’t smell so damn good, I’d say to hell with dinner and take you right here.”

“Hmmm …” I was tempted, and I licked my lips as I fantasized over all the things we could do at that moment.

His jaw worked back and forth. “You’re killing me here, Kayla.”

I chuckled. “Okay, dinner first and everything else … soon.” I pecked his cheek and took him by the hand to lead him into the kitchen. I pushed him gently down into a chair. Retrieving the plates from his counter, I presented him the food with exaggerated arm movements. “I call it chicken a la Kayla, but basically it’s just grilled chicken mixed with brown rice and veggies.”

I was a ball of nerves as I sat across from him. I took a deep breath and dug into the food. After a minute of silence, I peeked up to look at him. He was watching me, a small smile on his lips.

“What? Do I have food on my face?”

“No, I just didn’t expect this. I normally hate surprises, but this is the best possible one,” he said before taking a bite of his food. Pointing at me with his fork, he remarked, “This is really good by the way.” He chewed thoughtfully for a moment. “How was the rest of your time at the center?”

“A lot of the same stuff repeated over and over. To be honest, I started to get really sick of talking about myself. I found a lot of the girls’ stories interesting, though. It gave me the idea to maybe start an online magazine featuring real girls and honest stories about struggles women in my age group face.” I put down my fork and looked at him in earnest. “A lot of the stuff they went through made me stop feeling sorry for myself. I’ve experienced loss, but I also have a lot to be grateful for.”

“Your magazine sounds like a good idea. Maybe you can hire me. Instead of signing people up for credit cards, I could sign them up for magazine subscriptions,” he said. “Are you going to keep in touch with any of the patients there?”

“I’d like that. I made a few good friends. April was released two weeks before me and mailed me a postcard before getting on a plane for Europe. I have a feeling she’s going to be okay back out in the real world.”

“What about you? Are you going to be okay?” His voice was laced with concern and I was again thankful for the day I met him. The feeling was new to me; I never understood how someone could completely change your world. Our lives were intertwined and I could share anything with him, my bliss and my despair.

“Yes,” I said softly. “I’m going to be okay.”

I was learning every day to let go of my need to be perfect. I had to embrace my flaws and understand they were what made me special. I had more weight to gain and I’d always have to monitor my relationship with food, but the hopelessness plaguing me for months was becoming a distant nightmare.

His penetrating stare brought heat to my face. Before things progressed, I wanted to confess all my secrets to him. I didn’t want him to question my feelings and whether I only said things in the heat of the moment.

I nervously sucked on my lower lip before I spoke. Angus pressed against my leg, and I took a minute to pet him, gathering my thoughts. I’d never put myself out there before. It felt like I was about to free-fall, not sure if there was anyone to catch me at the bottom.

“I missed you insanely during the summer,” I admitted shyly. “I kept looking back at our relationship and wishing I could obliterate every shitty thing I said or did to push you away. When we were together, it didn’t matter how much I wanted to be in my own Hell alone—you never let me. And I didn’t understand why; I
couldn’t
understand why. I kept thinking you must be some type of masochist.

“After I started believing I was worth something, it became clear. You love me as much as I love you. Because I’d do the same for you. I’d face anything with you, Cameron, because you’ve possessed every last bit of my heart.”

“Jesus, Kayla …” His eyes flashed with a burning need, and I lurched into his arms. “Babe, I love you,” he said. “I love you so damn much.” His mouth melted against my neck and I sighed with contentment. I loved him. I loved him completely, and I wasn’t afraid to give him all of me.

Chapter Thirty-One

Cameron cradled me against him and kissed my hair, telling me he loved me again. Sliding off his lap, I gripped both his hands in mine. My eyes were shining as I tugged him away from the table. Once we arrived in his bedroom, I released him.

“One of the things we learn about in treatment is to have confidence in our bodies. My problems with how I looked not only affected me, they also hurt our connection. Although I loved the things you did to my body when we slept together, there was always my own self-doubt holding me back. I used every excuse to keep you from seeing me completely naked.” I shoved him lightly once we reached the side of his bed. He gamely sat on the edge.

Before I could lose my nerve, I slipped my white t-shirt over my head. Unbuttoning my skirt, I shimmied until it fell to the floor. I took a second to relish Cameron’s expression as he took his time exploring my body with his eyes. Instead of the humiliation I expected when I stood before him in my bra and panties, I felt sexy and desirable.

As I unclasped my white lacy bra and peeled off my matching underwear, I tried to infuse some playfulness into the intense moment. I danced side to side and threw off my undergarments with exaggerated flourish.

My heart was racing, but my head was quiet. To pose naked for the man I loved was empowering, and I was ecstatic to be released from the neuroses that had prevented me from doing it earlier. I pouted and settled my hands on my hips.

“Cameron, this is the part where you take off your clothes,” I said with exasperation.

He leaned back, resting on his elbows. “Hell no, I’m enjoying the view way too much. Could you do a few more of those dance moves?”

I was mesmerized by the way he ran his gaze over every inch of my skin. He took his time, but his tight grip on the edge of the bed told me how badly he wanted to touch me. My palms sank into the bed as I kneeled above him. My hair fell in front of my face as I positioned my mouth within inches of his lips. He sucked in a shaky breath.

His arms curled around me and his hands cupped my behind. I pressed my breasts against his chest and he fell back flat on his back. My hands tugged urgently at his shirt and he reached his arms up while I peeled it off of him.

As our mouths came together, I was burning up from the inside out. His mouth was warm and his tongue collided with mine. Our kisses were reckless, our lips moving in a frenzy, not able to get enough of one another.

“You … are … incredibly …beautiful,” he panted out between kisses, his mouth then trailing from my ear along my jaw line.

My hand clutched his hair and his chin tilted up, allowing me better access to his neck. I ran my tongue over his skin, relishing the delicious masculine taste of him. He groaned as I dragged my mouth down the front of his bare chest. I pressed butterfly kisses over the hem of his pants, sneaking a glance at his black boxers peeking out of his waistband.

His hands reached under my armpits and yanked me away from the button of his pants. “I need to feel you right now. If I’m not inside of you within the next thirty seconds, I’m going to start believing this is just one crazy intense dream.”

I nodded without taking my eyes off him. I didn’t want to close my eyes and risk missing a second of the most erotic experience of my life. His hand covered mine and guided me to the buckle of his belt. After I unfastened his pants, he pulled them off, leaving him clad only in his boxers. As he pulled me tightly, I could feel how ready he was to be inside me.

He apparently wanted the same assurance from me and I moaned as his fingers entered me. I tossed my head back and moved against his fingers. His free hand roamed over my breast, his thumb sliding over my nipple.

“Kayla, look at me,” he said urgently. I forced my gaze back to his as he continued to do things to my body that were inciting raw need inside of me. “I love you. I love seeing you like this and knowing I can do this to you.”

I couldn’t form a coherent answer. All I could manage was “I love you” before sensation took over. I held back until he removed his boxers and slipped on a condom. He felt right inside me, as if he was filling up the empty space I’d always suspected was there.

We finished together, our eyes locked the entire time. It was raw and intense and I fantasized about doing it again and again until our bodies were completely spent. That was what had been missing the entire time between us; loving one another with abandon.

Afterward, I curled into his side and he brushed the hair away from my eyes. I rested my chin on his chest and smiled at him. He craned his neck and kissed the tip of my nose.

“Not to inflate your ego or anything, but that was … wow,” I murmured.

“I’m not going to lie. I’m feeling very manly right now after seeing how hot I get you.” His teasing tone caressed my ears and I closed my eyes.

I could have stayed that way forever: loving him, being loved by him. I might never be perfect, but I fit perfectly with him.

Chapter Thirty-Two

“Kayla, when you said we should visit your father, I was figuring you meant we were going to the cemetery,” Cameron said as I parked my Jeep. Without a reply, I jumped out and walked around to the back of the car. After opening the trunk, I handed him two fishing poles. I carried the tackle box while using my free hand to slam the trunk close again.