The Do Over (55 page)

I polished off my beer. "Chris," I responded, "you're an asshole, and I prefer you as a mute friend."

"You're full of shit. It's not often that I'm right, and it kills you that I am."

"She knows where I'm at. She said she needed time. Being a gentleman, I'm giving it to her. She needs to figure out what the hell she wants, and I'm not about to make it easy for her, like I've done the entire time." I stared at my glass, tracing my finger along the condensation. "I reassured her every step of the way. I held her hand, promised her I was there for her, and showed her that I meant it. All the while, she was having breakfast with Marin on Saturday mornings and then conveniently omitted that little fact."

When I looked up, we had that awkward guy moment. The comeback kid was left speechless. This was a pretty good tactic to shut him up.

"I'm not going to lie to you. I'm in love with her, but I'm not chasing her. The ball's in her court," I said.

"I agree with you there. That was the right thing to do
then
for you and all men, past, present, and future. I'm going to say this with all the bromance love I have for you. You're my best friend." He took a moment, bringing his finger to his chin. "It's a good thing we have a very thick and large table separating us because you're not going to like what I'm about to say, but you need to hear this shit." Chris wiped his mouth and then finished off his beer.

"With a lead-in like that, this ought to be good." I smirked, rolling my eyes at his bullshit.

"You're the one being a stubborn dickhead. I haven't seen you like this in a very long time. The only difference is that Dani isn't dead," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. "But you're moping around like she is."

I glared at him. "You're skating on very thin ice right now." I shook my head, seething. "In fact, I think you should shut the fuck up."

"I speak the truth, my friend." He shrugged his shoulders. "Perhaps I could've been slightly more delicate, but since you're no longer a chick, I figured you could handle it."

"You have no idea what you're talking about," I said, bracing the table. "I'm very well aware of the fact that Dani is alive. I have firsthand experience on the difference. That fact makes this even harder, believe it or not, because I know she's just a phone call away. It's not that I can't ever see her face or hear her voice again because she's gone. It's that she's so damn close that I feel her, but at the same time, she's so far away that I can't touch her."

"You know how fast it can all change. With Dani, you can have what you couldn't have with Nat—the chance to fucking hold her in your arms again and have the life you deserve." He glanced over at Megan as she brought us a new pitcher with freshly iced glasses.

"So, tell me, what exactly am I supposed to do?"

"Call her. If it's over, then let it be." Chris glanced around the room. "Look around, my dear Watson. You're in Miami where there's a smorgasbord of women with big tits and low expectations. Take your pick, go get laid, and move on. But if it's not over, then you're wasting time when you can be with the one you love."

I shook my head. Chris didn't get it. "She didn't even try or trust me enough to tell me the truth until she had no choice. She left the key. She just laid it down on the counter and walked out, needing to figure things out on her own," I said. Rubbing my face, I tried to calm myself down. "I need to know that she gives a shit about me and about us. She needs to make this right."

"The two of you are hopeless." He signaled for the check. "You're being proud, and she's an idiot. The two of you are perfect for each other." Chris eyed Megan from head to toe, spending the most time on the huge tits staring him in the face. "This concludes our Hallmark Channel estrogen moment. Now, it's back to our regularly scheduled testosterone-filled Spike TV." He paid the bill, and as he looked at the receipt, he smirked. "See, bro, I got a phone number. If I wasn't into Macy, I'd be all over that." On the way out, he tossed the number in the trash.

Chris's words had been stuck in my head for days, causing me to question my stance. I missed Dani. I missed the sound of her laughter and the feel of her hands touching me. Most of all, I ached for the sparkle in her eyes when she'd smiled.

I started working harder and longer. When I got a call asking if I could pick up half a shift, I'd agreed, but first, I needed to get it together. Although I had been in a funk around Chris, I had certainly never let my men see anything but a focused and confident leader.

I was on my way to work, but then I turned around, heading toward the one place I could go to clear my head. I needed to feel the wind against my face and hear the waves roaring against the beach. It was my sanctuary, and I was searching for some peace.

After I parked my car, I slipped my credit card in the meter. I grabbed the beach towel from the passenger seat and then walked to the sand. I came here every day at different times. The days had turned into weeks, and my heart still ached for him.

I had no idea what it was that Liam needed from me.
What kind of reassurances could I give him, so he'd know that he wasn't my default or sloppy seconds?
I hated that I'd made him feel that way. I felt hopeless. The only things that gave me the slightest bit of peace was the sound of the tides rolling in and the feel of sand covering my buried toes. He had been right about this beach. Since it was off the beaten path, only diehards came here, so it was pristine and quiet.

Candace and Macy had taken turns babysitting me as if I were an invalid. Most of the time, I'd just wanted them to leave me alone. I'd spent most of my time working or reading. I had been making up for lost time as I'd caught up with my to-be-read list. My books had offered me comfort because they had the idea that a happily ever after was possible even after a disaster. I'd sought hidden answers from my books as well. I'd tried to figure out the reconciliation formula used in fiction, so I could apply it to real life. My dear friends had threatened another invention. I'd glared at them, thinking that my Kindles were better than a house full of cats.

When I got to the beach, I took off my shoes and rolled up my pants. The sand was cool during this late afternoon.

I made my way down to the spot where Liam and I'd first watched the sunrise. No one knew I came here. I didn't want to explain it to anyone. Besides sleeping in his T-shirts, it was one of the things I did to feel close to him. I was angry and hurt, but mostly, I was heartbroken. I loved him, and a part of me would never be complete without him. I'd wanted to apologize to him many times, but sorry just hadn't seemed like enough. I hoped that somehow the wind, the waves, and the sand would give me the answer.

I sat down, hugging my knees, as I watched the waves roll in and out. No answers appeared in the tides. I wanted to make peace with everything. I wanted to make sense of it. In some ways, I just wanted to let go of most of it
.

Madison, Madison, Madison
. I shook my head as I thought about her cockblocking inconvenience. To pity her or to hate her? That was the question. The couple of times I'd driven by the yoga center, her car was never there. I'd wanted to unleash my anger on her for her contribution to all of this. In the end, I'd realized that it was pointless.

I detested what Rick had done, but I was finding a way to let it go since I'd finally said good-bye. I had the closure I'd never had before. I felt foolish at how I'd played into his hand. A week later, I'd surprised myself when I'd woken up without hating him anymore. I'd let go of all the hurt, disappointment, anger, and bitterness. I'd forgiven him, not that he would know it. Some things were better left alone.

The wind blew, whipping my hair everywhere. I took out my Kindle and phone. Each day, I would stare at my phone, tap on my screen, and pull up his contact information. Daily, I would write a text that never got sent. I didn't know what to say.
How on earth can I make this right? What would I say to him? Why does it have to be so hard when it was always so easy before? What if he doesn't want to hear from me? What if he has moved on? What if this? What if that?
I hated the self-doubt and self-pity. They were both unbecoming traits of a confident woman, so they had no place in my life.

I'd always been the jilted lover, the one that was left behind, so I didn't know how to recover from this mess I'd made of our life. I had no point of reference. I was lost here. I needed help. Candace and Jeremy had been together since college, so she was useless. Although Chris seemed to be a semi-permanent fixture, Macy usually had a revolving door of men, so she didn't understand the mastery of making up. She'd just moved on. My mom was also useless. Whatever had happened with my dad continued to be a mystery to this day.

I stopped playing the loop of that dreadful day and the poor choices that had led up to it. I wasn't going to wallow in self-pity.
What am I supposed to do to make this right?
I ran my hands through the sand, letting the grains slowly fall through my fingers. My eyes were fixed on the horizon, and my thoughts were lost in the black hole of obsessive ramblings. Then, I was startled out of my trance.

"Hey," he said, sitting down next to me. "What are you doing here?"

Gazing forward, I was afraid to look over at him. "Hi. Someone special once brought me here to watch the sunrise. He told me it was a peaceful place," I answered.

"Oh, so it was a he, was it? He must've made a pretty big impression if you're here on a chilly afternoon."

My heart ached at hearing the sound of his tender, deep voice so close to me. I wanted to touch him and reach my hand over to him.

"You could say he made a monumentally gigantic impression." Dropping my head, I sighed as I stared at my buried toes.

"Why are you here, Dani?" Liam asked with a more direct tone.

He turned to me, but I still couldn't meet his eyes. I was scared of what they might tell me now that the dust was settling for him.
Is it too late? Can he forgive me?

"I wanted to feel close to you," I whispered, closing my eyes to hold back the pooling tears.

"You came here to feel close to me?" He looked away. "Why, Dani? I'm right here. For two of the longest fucking weeks of my life, I've been right here, and instead, you come to the beach to feel close to me. What are you hoping for? That somehow or another I'd show up here one day and we'd ride off into the sunset?"

My face was buried in my hands. The pooling tears spilled over, streaming down my face. "I'd really like that—to ride off into the sunset with you," I whimpered. "I never thought that you'd show up, but yes, now that you're here, let's ride off into the sunset. Let's put all of this behind us. Please, Liam. I don't know how to make this right."

He checked his watch. "I have to go. I'm picking up a shift."

When I glanced at him, I saw that he was wearing his gray polo and black cargo pants.

"I needed to clear my head before I went in." He stood up, dusting the sand off of his pants. "Dani…" He paused. "The sun sets in the west. You're looking in the wrong direction." He leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "Fight for me, Dani. Fight for us. Don't hide on beaches or in books. Goddamn it, give a shit and fight for what matters to you."

He stood up and started walking away toward the sunset.

I got up quickly and ran up to him. "Lieutenant," I called out.

He turned around to face me.

I wrapped my arms around him, burying my head in his chest, as his arms held me tightly.

"I'll fight. I'll do whatever I have to do."

When I pulled back, our eyes finally met. The pain, the hurt, the loss—maybe even the love—and everything else I felt was staring back at me.

His eyes lowered and focused on my necklace. His fingers grazed the pendant. "You're still wearing it."

"I never take it off," I said, my voice hitched. I brought my hand over his. "Is your heart still here? Is it still with mine?"

The rims of his eyes were red. He whispered, "Why did you leave the key?"

He didn't answer my question. My heart beat rapidly in my chest.
Is there a right or wrong answer? Was the key his breaking point? Would he have been able to deal with everything else if I didn't leave the key?
I looked away. The sky was morphing from orange to purple as the sun was making its descent.