The Drunk Logs (8 page)

“Hey, Matt, I’m Shorty. Nice to meet you and all that shit. Are you in, if she falls in the pond?”

“Who?”

“Fie.”

“Who’s Fie?” I said, getting irritated.

“Oh, that’s right. You weren’t outside when it happened. Well, she is this detox girl who is totally stoned beyond reason, and yesterday she was walking around the pond with the nurse when she fell in. Well, the nurse had to go rescue her so she wouldn’t drown. You had to see it.”

He laughed uncontrollably, waving his arms around, while the group sat at the picnic table, smiled, and stared at the game.

“So we’re taking bets on if she and the nurse go in today…if she comes outside.”

“How much?” I asked.

“Five bucks to enter and the pot right now is thirty-five bucks; the winners split it between them.”

“All right, here’s five,” I said as I pulled out my wallet. “Put me down for in.”

Shorty smiled, slid the five into the rest of the money and counted it again as he walked back to the edge of the picnic table.

Bored, we waited for Sam to make his move as the time passed by.

“Shitmanfuck!” Shorty screamed and pointed to the double doors. “I can’t believe they let her out again? I can’t believe that they let her out!”

Fie looked like a forty-five-year-old, housewife and mother, with dyed blond hair. Dressed in a pink sweat suit, she stumbled through the grass toward the pond, as if the lady of the lake had called her home.
The woman looked awfully familiar
, I thought.

All eyes watched in anticipation as she swooped and looped closer to the pond and passed the bridge as she stumbled; the anticipation became addictive to anyone who watched. Suddenly, she stopped at the edge of the pond and the nurse took a hold of her arm; she fought to keep the woman upright and out of the water’s dizzy spell that wove around her. She stood there for a moment as the nurse waved to everyone who watched, as if the matter was under control, when suddenly, Fie started to tip forward. The nurse struggled with all her strength to keep her back, but the dead weight continued to move forward, heavier and heavier, as the nurse slid in the wet grass.

Jack Jack spoke like a commentator, starting off in a low whisper with his play by play. The patients were drawn to the edge of their seats as his voice grew and the action built.

“Ladies and gentlemen, if you are just joining us, you’re in for a treat. We are witnessing one of the greatest moments in human history, the battle of the dreaded addict versus the down and dirty health care worker. They both have trained long and hard for this battle, but as history has shown us, you just can’t help these people and the record has it at 1-0. Let’s go back to the scene where we see the patient has the upper hand, but the health care worker is not giving up the fight. Ooh, look at them battle back and forth, neither of them wanting to give up an inch. The sweat pouring, the muscles straining, I can’t stand the anticipation, when can I start to breathe? I think this could be the end, ladies and gentlemen. The patient seems to be winning the fight. There she goes…there she goes…ring a ding, ding, give the fat lady a belly ring. She. Is. In.”

An eruption of sound crashed into the air like a tidal wave. The winners at the table began to slap hands and holler, while the losers sat quietly with their eyes closed in despair. But as Shorty started to divide the winnings, Jack Jack ran to the pond with a fishing pole that he had hidden under the picnic table. He watched from the shore as the nurse struggled with Fie to keep her afloat. When the nurse spotted Jack Jack and pleaded for help, to her apparent surprise, he took a few steps back, cast out the fishing line, and yelled back, “Hey Sam, I caught a big one!”

Laughter and noise ensued, like that of a stadium full of fans cheering the winning touchdown. Sam, who had coughed so hard from laughing, motioned to the people around him to smack him on the back so he could breathe. Eventually, Jack Jack helped them out of the water, but it was too late, as Carl grabbed him by the arm and pulled him toward the building.

“Unbelievable,” I said to myself. In my own sick way I was drawn into Jack Jack’s insanity and loved it.

“Uh, oh, little Jack Jack is in trouble. Looks like he’s going to see Dicklicker,” Bobby said.

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” Sam added as he coughed.

“Who’s Dicklicker?” I asked.

“Dicklicker?” Sam said as he spit out his mucus. “Dicklicker, or Dr. Lyedecker, as he is known, um, he is the superintendent here and Jack Jack is his pet project. You see, Jack Jack has been in here about four times and Lyedecker doesn’t like to take repeat customers. But Jack Jack’s father has a lot of money and contributes to this facility, which puts Lyedecker in a position he does not like at all. So all the bullshit that Jack Jack pulls, Lyedecker has to deal with it and continue to smile doing it.”

“Why doesn’t Jack Jack’s father just stop paying?”

“Because his father loves the son of a bitch, and he wants his old son back. It’s not too hard to understand, Matt. If you shut up, listen, and do what you’re told, you’ll be able to make a go of it on the outside. It’s pretty simple,” he growled, tilting his head back and spitting into the air. He lit another cigarette and wiped the excess mucus from his lips. “And, obviously, Jack Jack has not figured that part out yet. That’s why he keeps coming back. Either that or he’s going to be institutionalized…I don’t know?”

I was speechless as the words from Sam began to sink in and I watched the disheveled Fie walk back to the hospital with help from the soaked nurse.

So far have we all gone, that laughter at another was all we have left. It wasn’t to punish, but to forget for a little while that we were once there before
, I thought.

“Man, did you guys see that crazy shit?” said Shawn as he ran over from the pavilion.

He was a short man, about 5′6″, white, with a stocky build. His hands were beaten from hard work and fighting, and his wrists were tattooed, I found out later, to hide the many times he’d forgotten about life. His old, torn, white high tops looked like they had seen as many miles as he had. His blue jeans were faded along with his green, short sleeve, button-down shirt. But his face was somewhat of an improvement; it slightly matched his worn hands and long, red hair.

“Yeah, but it wouldn’t have been that good without Jack Jack’s performance,” Bobby said.

“That’s true, but you know you got to watch out for a person like Jack Jack,” Shawn said with a southern drawl. “He’ll do whatever it takes to get people to laugh at ya.”

“Like you never did anything to anyone or played a practical joke just to get a laugh?” Sam asked.

“No, but I got plenty played on me. Like this one time, I was high on oxycodone, weed, and gin. And there was no way in hell I was going to make it home. So, I drove to my buddy’s trailer park to sleep it off. Well, I pulled into his driveway and fell out the car onto his front lawn. I was in no shape to move and it was a nice night, so I figured I’d just sleep it off in his front yard. Well, he came out that mornin’ to go to work, when he notices that I’m sleeping in his neighbor’s yard. So, he goes and gets a car tire and paints some of that cold tar on the threads, walks over and runs it on my back to make it look like a car drove over me.”

The group struggled to hold back the laughter the best they could.

“Well, I’m still passed out and he goes to work. I wake up later, because the neighbor starts cutting his grass and he’s cutting around me, burying me in all that shit. I mean, it was embarrassing, even the kids in the neighborhood stopped their bikes to stare at me.”

The pressure became unbearable as everyone began to laugh.

“It’s not funny. I had to go home. My wife and I were taking the kids to the water park. So, I get in my car, put on a shirt and go home, where my wife’s a little mad, ya know. But I told her I was just a little drunk last night and slept in my car at the bar. So we make all nice, nice, and go to the water park. There, we go swimming in the wave pool and stuff and I notice that everyone’s staring at me. So, I’m thinking, am I crazy, do I have something on me…but I don’t see anything. So, I go to my wife that’s laying on one of those benches, tanning, and I tell her to rub some lotion on me so I don’t get burnt. Well, she saw what I had on my back and figured where I was the night before…so.”

“So, what did she do?” I said as I wiped away my tears.

“She left and took the kids,” he said with a smile. “Maybe it wasn’t such a bad practical joke after all.”

“Hey, it’s almost lunch, you guys, we better get going,” Sam said as he stood and giggled.

As we walked toward the building, I noticed Victoria still sat at the picnic table.

“Hey, Victoria, aren’t you coming?” I said with a smile.

“I can’t, the men and women eat separately…do you always ask questions?” she said and returned the smile.

“I’m sorry…do I?” I teased.

How stupid that was
, I thought. I was acting like a 16-year-old and I was almost 40.

As we stood in the cafeteria line, I breathed through my mouth, a precaution I believed would help me not to feel ill. But the lunch ladies, who wore food-stained white aprons and hairnets, did not help.

The menu said hamburger and french-fries. “Good, at least I’ll be able to eat with two hands, so no one will see the shaking,” I whispered to no one.

I followed Bobby, who loaded up his plate with everything and anything that would fit on his tray. Two hamburgers, extra fries, applesauce, cake square, and then it was off to the salad bar, where he grabbed a plastic bowl and put in a little salad, a mound of shredded cheddar cheese, jalapeno peppers, sliced eggs, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, and three packets of light vinaigrette
. If the smell didn’t make me nauseous, the barrel of food in front of me would have
, I thought.

“Hey, come on. The guys are over here.” Bobby said as he walked over to a table with Jack Jack, Sam, and Father Tom.

“Where’s your diet coke, Bobby?” Jack Jack joked.

“I’m not drinking that stuff. It gives you stomach cancer.”

As I placed my food in front me I realized that the time had come, I needed to stop worrying about my tremors and eat something. So with determination, I picked up the burger and raised it to my mouth; my hands only shook slightly. I took a quick, small bite, swallowed, and wondered how my stomach would handle the invasion of this foreign substance. But nothing happened, except for a little rumble that came from somewhere deep
. My stomach must have been overjoyed from seeing food again
, I thought. So, I kept eating and dipped a fry into some ketchup for a treat.

“Well, nothing really happened you know,” Jack Jack blurted. “The same old B.S. he always lectures about.”

That was the moment I noticed that Jack Jack had become irritated that no one had bothered to ask him what happened with Dr. Lyedecker. Maybe he wasn’t this strong, independent, full of life type of person he portrayed himself to be. Maybe, he was just like the rest of us.

He looked around to see if anyone paid attention, but we all kept eating. The frustration seemed to set in deeper as he tightened his lips. He stood from the table and glared around for even one acknowledgement, but got none.

“I’m going to get an ice cream, anybody want anything?” he said as he looked for a response, but everyone just shook their heads no. In his annoyance, he pushed his chair with so much force that it struck the chair behind him, and he walked away.

“That boy is such a baby sometimes,” Sam said as he chewed on his salad, eyes half shut.

“So, what is the daily schedule around here?” I inquired, as the sound of Jack Jack telling his story to a patient echoed in the distance.

“Well, in the folder that you got when you came in, there’s an outline of all the classes and events that are offered. The bold print is for the ones you have to go to, the regular you don’t, it’s up to you,” Bobby said as he packed the food into his cheeks. “Like, after lunch, there is a break of about 15 minutes, then there’s a lecture where they usually show a movie talking about addiction and how you can prevent it. If you ask me, it’s stupid to show a movie after you just ate, because half the people fall asleep in the lecture. So what’s the point?”

I put down my half-eaten hamburger; my stomach had had enough.

“Just go in your folder and pull out the schedule and it will tell you everything. The only thing that is mandatory is group.”

“Mmmm,” Jack Jack moaned as he sat down at the table and licked his ice cream. His pride was restored from the acknowledgement of one lonely person.

“Matt H., report to the nurses’ station, Matt H.,” the intercom bellowed from above.

“Crap,” I said as I lowered my head.

“Check your heart and check your blood, take these drugs, you’re better again,” Jack Jack started to chant as they all joined in.

I strolled down the hall and wondered how many more times I had to go to the nurses’ station, but realized that they weren’t calling me for my good looks. I passed Carl in his usual spot at the intersection, with hands in his pockets, as he leaned against the wall.

“What’s up, Carl?” I asked.

“Same old, same old,” he said, looking extremely bored.

As I proceeded down the hall, to my surprise, Barry Eugene popped out of our room and staggered into me. We both wrapped our arms around each other to try and prevent the other from falling over.

“Woo, good thing I caught you before you fell,” Barry Eugene slurred.

“Sure, B.E,” I said.

“What?” he said, confused.

“Nothing.”

I began to slow my step enough for him to keep up.
I might as well be polite to him for the time being
, I thought.
It’s not like we were going anywhere soon.

“You going to the nurses’ station? Cause I got to go there to,” he said.

“Yep.”

“Yeah, I’m going home today. Just have to go to the nurses’ station to make sure everything is in order. They’ll probably have a party for me when I get back, since I’ve been gone so long.”