The E. Nesbit Megapack: 26 Classic Novels and Stories (178 page)

“Hullo,” said Albert’s uncle. “What’s up? Nothing wrong at home, I hope.”

“We’ve only lost H.O.,” said my father. “You don’t happen to have him with you?”

“No; but you’re joking,” said the bride. “We’ve lost a dress-basket.”

Lost a dress-basket! The words struck us dumb, but my father recovered speech and explained. The bride was very glad when we said we had brought her ribbons and things, but we stood in anxious gloom, for now H.O. was indeed lost. The dress-basket might be on its way to Liverpool, or rocking on the Channel, and H.O. might never be found again. Oswald did not say these things. It is best to hold your jaw when you want to see a thing out, and are liable to be sent to bed at a strange hotel if any one happens to remember you.

Then suddenly the station master came with a telegram.

It said: “A dress-basket without label at Cannon Street detained for identification suspicious sounds from inside detain inquirers dynamite machine suspected.”

He did not show us this till my Father had told him about H.O., which it took some time for him to believe, and then he did and laughed, and said he would wire them to get the dynamite machine to speak, and if so, to take it out and keep it till its Father called for it.

So back we went to London, with hearts a little lighter, but not gay, for we were a very long time from the last things we had had to eat. And Oswald was almost sorry he had not taken those crystallised fruits.

It was quite late when we got to Cannon Street, and we went straight into the cloakroom, and there was the man in charge, a very jolly chap, sitting on a stool. And there was H.O., the guilty stowaway, dressed in a red-and-white clown’s dress, very dusty, and his face as dirty as I have ever seen it, sitting on some one else’s tin box, with his feet on some body else’s portmanteau, eating bread and cheese, and drinking ale out of a can.

My Father claimed him at once, and Oswald identified the basket. It was very large. There was a tray on the top with hats in it, and H.O. had this on top of him. We all went to bed in Cannon Street Hotel. My Father said nothing to H.O. that night. When we were in bed I tried to get H.O. to tell me all about it, but he was too sleepy and cross. It was the beer and the knocking about in the basket, I suppose. Next day we went back to the Moat House, where the raving anxiousness of the others had been cooled the night before by a telegram from Dover.

My Father said he would speak to H.O. in the evening. It is very horrid not to be spoken to at once and get it over. But H.O. certainly deserved something.

It is hard to tell this tale, because so much of it happened all at once but at different places. But this is what H.O. said to us about it. He said—

“Don’t bother—let me alone.”

But we were all kind and gentle, and at last we got it out of him what had happened. He doesn’t tell a story right from the beginning like Oswald and some of the others do, but from his disjunctured words the author has made the following narration. This is called editing, I believe.

“It was all Noël’s fault,” H.O. said; “what did he want to go jawing about Rome for?—and a clown’s as good as a beastly poet, anyhow! You remember that day we made toffee? Well, I thought of it then.”

“You didn’t tell us.”

“Yes, I did. I half told Dicky. He never said don’t, or you’d better not, or gave me any good advice or anything. It’s his fault as much as mine. Father ought to speak to him to-night the same as me—and Noël, too.”

We bore with him just then because we wanted to hear the story. And we made him go on.

“Well—so I thought if Noël’s a cowardy custard I’m not—and I wasn’t afraid of being in the basket, though it was quite dark till I cut the air-holes with my knife in the railway van. I think I cut the string off the label. It fell off afterwards, and I saw it through the hole, but of course I couldn’t say anything. I thought they’d look after their silly luggage better than that. It was all their fault I was lost.”

“Tell us how you did it, H.O. dear,” Dora said; “never mind about it being everybody else’s fault.”

“It’s yours as much as any one’s, if you come to that,” H.O. said. “You made me the clown dress when I asked you. You never said a word about not. So there!”

“Oh, H.O., you are unkind!” Dora said. “You know you said it was for a surprise for the bridal pair.”

“So it would have been, if they’d found me at Rome, and I’d popped up like what I meant to—like a jack-in-the-box—and said, ‘Here we are again!’ in my clown’s clothes, at them. But it’s all spoiled, and father’s going to speak to me this evening.” H.O. sniffed every time he stopped speaking. But we did not correct him then. We wanted to hear about everything.

“Why didn’t you tell me straight out what you were going to do?” Dicky asked.

“Because you’d jolly well have shut me up. You always do if I want to do anything you haven’t thought of yourself.”

“What did you take with you, H.O.?” asked Alice in a hurry, for H.O. was now sniffing far beyond a whisper.

“Oh, I’d saved a lot of grub, only I forgot it at the last. It’s under the chest of drawers in our room. And I had my knife—and I changed into the clown’s dress in the cupboard at the Ashleighs—over my own things because I thought it would be cold. And then I emptied the rotten girl’s clothes out and hid them—and the top-hatted tray I just put it on a chair near, and I got into the basket, and I lifted the tray up over my head and sat down and fitted it down over me—it’s got webbing bars, you know, across it. And none of you would ever have thought of it, let alone doing it.”

“I should hope not,” Dora said, but H.O. went on unhearing.

“I began to think perhaps I wished I hadn’t directly they strapped up the basket. It was beastly hot and stuffy—I had to cut an air-hole in the cart, and I cut my thumb; it was so bumpety. And they threw me about as if I was coals—and wrong way up as often as not. And the train was awful wobbly, and I felt so sick, and if I’d had the grub I couldn’t have eaten it. I had a bottle of water. And that was all right till I dropped the cork, and I couldn’t find it in the dark till the water got upset, and then I found the cork that minute.

“And when they dumped the basket on to the platform I was so glad to sit still a minute without being jogged I nearly went to sleep. And then I looked out, and the label was off, and lying close by. And then some one gave the basket a kick—big brute, I’d like to kick him!—and said, ‘What’s this here?’ And I daresay I did squeak—like a rabbit-noise, you know—and then some one said, ‘Sounds like live-stock, don’t it? No label.’ And he was standing on the label all the time. I saw the string sticking out under his nasty boot. And then they trundled me off somewhere, on a wheelbarrow it felt like, and dumped me down again in a dark place—and I couldn’t see anything more.”

“I wonder,” said the thoughtful Oswald, “what made them think you were a dynamite machine?”

“Oh, that was awful!” H.O. said. “It was my watch. I wound it up, just for something to do. You know the row it makes since it was broken, and I heard some one say, ‘Shish! what’s that?’ and then, ‘Sounds like an infernal machine’—don’t go shoving me, Dora, it was him said it, not me—and then, ‘If I was the inspector I’d dump it down in the river, so I would. Any way, let’s shift it.’ But the other said, ‘Let well alone,’ so I wasn’t dumped any more. And they fetched another man, and there was a heap of jaw, and I heard them say ‘Police,’ so I let them have it.”

“What did you do?”

“Oh, I just kicked about in the basket, and I heard them all start off, and I shouted, ‘Hi, here! let me out, can’t you!’”

“And did they?”

“Yes, but not for ever so long, I had to jaw at them through the cracks of the basket. And when they opened it there was quite a crowd, and they laughed ever so, and gave me bread and cheese, and said I was a plucky youngster—and I am, and I do wish Father wouldn’t put things off so. He might just as well have spoken to me this morning. And I can’t see I’ve done anything so awful—and it’s all your faults for not looking after me. Aren’t I your little brother? and it’s your duty to see I do what’s right. You’ve told me so often enough.”

These last words checked the severe reprimand trembling on the hitherto patient Oswald’s lips. And then H.O. began to cry, and Dora nursed him, though generally he is much too big for this and knows it. And he went to sleep on her lap, and said he didn’t want any dinner.

When it came to Father’s speaking to H.O. that evening it never came off, because H.O. was ill in bed, not sham, you know, but real, send-for-the-doctor ill. The doctor said it was fever from chill and excitement, but I think myself it was very likely the things he ate at lunch, and the shaking up, and then the bread and cheese, and the beer out of a can.

He was ill a week. When he was better, not much was said. My Father, who is the justest man in England, said the boy had been punished enough—and so he had, for he missed going to the pantomime, and to “Shock-Headed Peter” at the Garrick Theatre, which is far and away the best play that ever was done, and quite different from any other acting I ever saw. They are exactly like real boys; I think they must have been reading about us. And he had to take a lot of the filthiest medicine I ever tasted. I wonder if Father told the doctor to make it nasty on purpose? A woman would have directly, but gentlemen are not generally so sly. Any way, you live and learn. None of us would now ever consent to be a stowaway, no matter who wanted us to, and I don’t think H.O.’s very likely to do it again.

The only meant punishment he had was seeing the clown’s dress burnt before his eyes by Father. He had bought it all with his own saved-up money, red trimmings and all.

Of course, when he got well we soon taught him not to say again that it was any of our faults. As he owned himself, he is our little brother, and we are not going to stand that kind of cheek from him

THE CONSCIENCE-PUDDING

It was Christmas, nearly a year after Mother died. I cannot write about Mother—but I will just say one thing. If she had only been away for a little while, and not for always, we shouldn’t have been so keen on having a Christmas. I didn’t understand this then, but I am much older now, and I think it was just because everything was so different and horrid we felt we must do something; and perhaps we were not particular enough what. Things make you much more unhappy when you loaf about than when you are doing events.

Father had to go away just about Christmas. He had heard that his wicked partner, who ran away with his money, was in France, and he thought he could catch him, but really he was in Spain, where catching criminals is never practised. We did not know this till afterwards.

Before Father went away he took Dora and Oswald into his study, and said—

“I’m awfully sorry I’ve got to go away, but it is very serious business, and I must go. You’ll be good while I’m away, kiddies, won’t you?”

We promised faithfully. Then he said—

“There are reasons—you wouldn’t understand if I tried to tell you—but you can’t have much of a Christmas this year. But I’ve told Matilda to make you a good plain pudding. Perhaps next Christmas will be brighter.”

(It was; for the next Christmas saw us the affluent nephews and nieces of an Indian uncle—but that is quite another story, as good old Kipling says.)

When Father had been seen off at Lewisham Station with his bags, and a plaid rug in a strap, we came home again, and it was horrid. There were papers and things littered all over his room where he had packed. We tidied the room up—it was the only thing we could do for him. It was Dicky who accidentally broke his shaving-glass, and H.O. made a paper boat out of a letter we found out afterwards Father particularly wanted to keep. This took us some time, and when we went into the nursery the fire was black out, and we could not get it alight again, even with the whole Daily Chronicle. Matilda, who was our general then, was out, as well as the fire, so we went and sat in the kitchen. There is always a good fire in kitchens. The kitchen hearthrug was not nice to sit on, so we spread newspapers on it.

It was sitting in the kitchen, I think, that brought to our minds my Father’s parting words—about the pudding, I mean.

Oswald said, “Father said we couldn’t have much of a Christmas for secret reasons, and he said he had told Matilda to make us a plain pudding.”

The plain pudding instantly cast its shadow over the deepening gloom of our young minds.

“I wonder how plain she’ll make it?” Dicky said.

“As plain as plain, you may depend,” said Oswald. “A here-am-I-where-are-you pudding—that’s her sort.”

The others groaned, and we gathered closer round the fire till the newspapers rustled madly.

“I believe I could make a pudding that wasn’t plain, if I tried,” Alice said. “Why shouldn’t we?”

“No chink,” said Oswald, with brief sadness.

“How much would it cost?” Noël asked, and added that Dora had twopence and H.O. had a French halfpenny.

Dora got the cookery-book out of the dresser drawer, where it lay doubled up among clothes-pegs, dirty dusters, scallop shells, string, penny novelettes, and the dining-room corkscrew. The general we had then—it seemed as if she did all the cooking on the cookery-book instead of on the baking-board, there were traces of so many bygone meals upon its pages.

“It doesn’t say Christmas pudding at all,” said Dora.

“Try plum,” the resourceful Oswald instantly counselled.

Dora turned the greasy pages anxiously.

“‘Plum-pudding, 518.

“‘A rich, with flour, 517.

“‘Christmas, 517.

“‘Cold brandy sauce for, 241.’

“We shouldn’t care about that, so it’s no use looking.

“‘Good without eggs, 518.

“‘Plain, 518.’

“We don’t want that anyhow. ‘Christmas, 517’—that’s the one.”

It took her a long time to find the page. Oswald got a shovel of coals and made up the fire. It blazed up like the devouring elephant the Daily Telegraph always calls it. Then Dora read—

“‘Christmas plum-pudding. Time six hours.’”

“To eat it in?” said H.O.

“No, silly! to make it.”

“Forge ahead, Dora,” Dicky replied.

Dora went on—

“‘2072. One pound and a half of raisins; half a pound of currants; three quarters of a pound of breadcrumbs; half a pound of flour; three-quarters of a pound of beef suet; nine eggs; one wine glassful of brandy; half a pound of citron and orange peel; half a nutmeg; and a little ground ginger.’ I wonder how little ground ginger.”

“A teacupful would be enough, I think,” Alice said; “we must not be extravagant.”

“We haven’t got anything yet to be extravagant with,” said Oswald, who had toothache that day. “What would you do with the things if you’d got them?”

“You’d ‘chop the suet as fine as possible’—I wonder how fine that is?” replied Dora and the book together—“‘and mix it with the breadcrumbs and flour; add the currants washed and dried.’”

“Not starched, then,” said Alice.

“‘The citron and orange peel cut into thin slices’—I wonder what they call thin? Matilda’s thin bread-and-butter is quite different from what I mean by it—‘and the raisins stoned and divided.’ How many heaps would you divide them into?”

“Seven, I suppose,” said Alice; “one for each person and one for the pot—I mean pudding.”

“‘Mix it all well together with the grated nutmeg and ginger. Then stir in nine eggs well beaten, and the brandy’—we’ll leave that out, I think—‘and again mix it thoroughly together that every ingredient may be moistened; put it into a buttered mould, tie over tightly, and boil for six hours. Serve it ornamented with holly and brandy poured over it.’”

“I should think holly and brandy poured over it would be simply beastly,” said Dicky.

“I expect the book knows. I daresay holly and water would do as well though. ‘This pudding may be made a month before’—it’s no use reading about that though, because we’ve only got four days to Christmas.”

“It’s no use reading about any of it,” said Oswald, with thoughtful repeatedness, “because we haven’t got the things, and we haven’t got the coin to get them.”

“We might get the tin somehow,” said Dicky.

“There must be lots of kind people who would subscribe to a Christmas pudding for poor children who hadn’t any,” Noël said.

“Well, I’m going skating at Penn’s,” said Oswald. “It’s no use thinking about puddings. We must put up with it plain.”

So he went, and Dicky went with him.

When they returned to their home in the evening the fire had been lighted again in the nursery, and the others were just having tea. We toasted our bread-and-butter on the bare side, and it gets a little warm among the butter. This is called French toast. “I like English better, but it is more expensive,” Alice said—

“Matilda is in a frightful rage about your putting those coals on the kitchen fire, Oswald. She says we shan’t have enough to last over Christmas as it is. And Father gave her a talking to before he went about them—asked her if she ate them, she says—but I don’t believe he did. Anyway, she’s locked the coal-cellar door, and she’s got the key in her pocket. I don’t see how we can boil the pudding.”

“What pudding?” said Oswald dreamily. He was thinking of a chap he had seen at Penn’s who had cut the date 1899 on the ice with four strokes.

“The pudding,” Alice said. “Oh, we’ve had such a time, Oswald! First Dora and I went to the shops to find out exactly what the pudding would cost—it’s only two and elevenpence halfpenny, counting in the holly.”

“It’s no good,” Oswald repeated; he is very patient and will say the same thing any number of times. “It’s no good. You know we’ve got no tin.”

“Ah,” said Alice, “but Noël and I went out, and we called at some of the houses in Granville Park and Dartmouth Hill—and we got a lot of sixpences and shillings, besides pennies, and one old gentleman gave us half-a-crown. He was so nice. Quite bald, with a knitted red and blue waistcoat. We’ve got eight-and-sevenpence.”

Oswald did not feel quite sure Father would like us to go asking for shillings and sixpences, or even half-crowns from strangers, but he did not say so. The money had been asked for and got, and it couldn’t be helped—and perhaps he wanted the pudding—I am not able to remember exactly why he did not speak up and say, “This is wrong,” but anyway he didn’t.

Alice and Dora went out and bought the things next morning. They bought double quantities, so that it came to five shillings and elevenpence, and was enough to make a noble pudding. There was a lot of holly left over for decorations. We used very little for the sauce. The money that was left we spent very anxiously in other things to eat, such as dates and figs and toffee.

We did not tell Matilda about it. She was a red-haired girl, and apt to turn shirty at the least thing.

Concealed under our jackets and overcoats we carried the parcels up to the nursery, and hid them in the treasure-chest we had there. It was the bureau drawer. It was locked up afterwards because the treacle got all over the green baize and the little drawers inside it while we were waiting to begin to make the pudding. It was the grocer told us we ought to put treacle in the pudding, and also about not so much ginger as a teacupful.

When Matilda had begun to pretend to scrub the floor (she pretended this three times a week so as to have an excuse not to let us in the kitchen, but I know she used to read novelettes most of the time, because Alice and I had a squint through the window more than once), we barricaded the nursery door and set to work. We were very careful to be quite clean. We washed our hands as well as the currants. I have sometimes thought we did not get all the soap off the currants. The pudding smelt like a washing-day when the time came to cut it open. And we washed a corner of the table to chop the suet on. Chopping suet looks easy till you try.

Father’s machine he weighs letters with did to weigh out the things. We did this very carefully, in case the grocer had not done so. Everything was right except the raisins. H.O. had carried them home. He was very young then, and there was a hole in the corner of the paper bag and his mouth was sticky.

Lots of people have been hanged to a gibbet in chains on evidence no worse than that, and we told H.O. so till he cried. This was good for him. It was not unkindness to H.O., but part of our duty.

Chopping suet as fine as possible is much harder than any one would think, as I said before. So is crumbling bread—especially if your loaf is new, like ours was. When we had done them the breadcrumbs and the suet were both very large and lumpy, and of a dingy gray colour, something like pale slate pencil.

They looked a better colour when we had mixed them with the flour. The girls had washed the currants with Brown Windsor soap and the sponge. Some of the currants got inside the sponge and kept coming out in the bath for days afterwards. I see now that this was not quite nice. We cut the candied peel as thin as we wish people would cut our bread-and-butter. We tried to take the stones out of the raisins, but they were too sticky, so we just divided them up in seven lots. Then we mixed the other things in the wash-hand basin from the spare bedroom that was always spare. We each put in our own lot of raisins and turned it all into a pudding-basin, and tied it up in one of Alice’s pinafores, which was the nearest thing to a proper pudding-cloth we could find—at any rate clean. What was left sticking to the wash-hand basin did not taste so bad.

“It’s a little bit soapy,” Alice said, “but perhaps that will boil out; like stains in table-cloths.”

It was a difficult question how to boil the pudding. Matilda proved furious when asked to let us, just because some one had happened to knock her hat off the scullery door and Pincher had got it and done for it. However, part of the embassy nicked a saucepan while the others were being told what Matilda thought about the hat, and we got hot water out of the bath-room and made it boil over our nursery fire. We put the pudding in—it was now getting on towards the hour of tea—and let it boil. With some exceptions—owing to the fire going down, and Matilda not hurrying up with coals—it boiled for an hour and a quarter. Then Matilda came suddenly in and said, “I’m not going to have you messing about in here with my saucepans”; and she tried to take it off the fire. You will see that we couldn’t stand this; it was not likely. I do not remember who it was that told her to mind her own business, and I think I have forgotten who caught hold of her first to make her chuck it. I am sure no needless violence was used. Anyway, while the struggle progressed, Alice and Dora took the saucepan away and put it in the boot-cupboard under the stairs and put the key in their pocket.

This sharp encounter made every one very hot and cross. We got over it before Matilda did, but we brought her round before bedtime. Quarrels should always be made up before bedtime. It says so in the Bible. If this simple rule was followed there would not be so many wars and martyrs and law suits and inquisitions and bloody deaths at the stake.

All the house was still. The gas was out all over the house except on the first landing, when several darkly-shrouded figures might have been observed creeping downstairs to the kitchen.

On the way, with superior precaution, we got out our saucepan. The kitchen fire was red, but low; the coal-cellar was locked, and there was nothing in the scuttle but a little coal-dust and the piece of brown paper that is put in to keep the coals from tumbling out through the bottom where the hole is. We put the saucepan on the fire and plied it with fuel—two Chronicles, a Telegraph, and two Family Herald novelettes were burned in vain. I am almost sure the pudding did not boil at all that night.

“Never mind,” Alice said. “We can each nick a piece of coal every time we go into the kitchen to-morrow.”

This daring scheme was faithfully performed, and by night we had nearly half a waste-paper basket of coal, coke, and cinders. And in the depth of night once more we might have been observed, this time with our collier-like waste-paper basket in our guarded hands.

There was more fire left in the grate that night, and we fed it with the fuel we had collected. This time the fire blazed up, and the pudding boiled like mad. This was the time it boiled two hours—at least I think it was about that, but we dropped asleep on the kitchen tables and dresser. You dare not be lowly in the night in the kitchen, because of the beetles. We were aroused by a horrible smell. It was the pudding-cloth burning. All the water had secretly boiled itself away. We filled it up at once with cold, and the saucepan cracked. So we cleaned it and put it back on the shelf and took another and went to bed. You see what a lot of trouble we had over the pudding. Every evening till Christmas, which had now become only the day after to-morrow, we sneaked down in the inky midnight and boiled that pudding for as long as it would.

On Christmas morning we chopped the holly for the sauce, but we put hot water (instead of brandy) and moist sugar. Some of them said it was not so bad. Oswald was not one of these.

Then came the moment when the plain pudding Father had ordered smoked upon the board. Matilda brought it in and went away at once. She had a cousin out of Woolwich Arsenal to see her that day, I remember. Those far-off days are quite distinct in memory’s recollection still.

Then we got out our own pudding from its hiding-place and gave it one last hurried boil—only seven minutes, because of the general impatience which Oswald and Dora could not cope with.