The Ex Files (16 page)

V
ANESSA

Only the computer screen illuminated the room. Vanessa clicked the icon to turn off the computer and pushed away from the desk. For long minutes she sat, stiff with shock, staring at the blackened monitor.

She had no idea how many hours had passed—she was still in her bathrobe, and now the darkened sky revealed that it was well past the first hours of night. In this time she’d neither eaten nor drunk a thing, but Vanessa was sated with the information she’d gathered.

Finally, slowly, she stood, then paused; her legs ached with stiffness. She paced into the bathroom in her bedroom where the prescription bottles were still lined on the counter.

Every morning she looked at these; every day she did nothing.

She found the container with the sleeping pills. In a swift motion, she popped two into her mouth, then cupped a handful of water to her face.

Her reflection smiled back when she looked up. For now, she would take only enough to put her to sleep, because no matter what, she had to do this decently and in order.

As she slid between the sheets, she thought about the lessons she’d learned in the chat rooms.

“Suicide should only be done after careful thought and planning,” one person had said.

“But always remember and realize that it is a choice—your choice.”

When Vanessa had typed in that she was exhausted, someone typed back advice:
Do not make this decision under any kind of stress or duress. Get some rest. After a few good nights’ sleep, you’ll have clarity. You’ll know what to do
.

Vanessa closed her eyes. For the first time since Reed had passed, she was talking to people who understood. And that gave her peace. Tonight the voices didn’t war inside her head. She didn’t hear a thing, only felt that soon, everything would finally be all right.

A
SIA

Asia stepped aside so that Bobby could enter the apartment. It had been almost three weeks since she’d seen him, and time had done nothing to lessen her longing. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and make him remember. But her desire for revenge was stronger than her desire for him, and her mind stayed on her mission.

“How’ve you been?” he asked, as he stuffed his hands deep into his jeans pockets.

“Fine.” She spoke as nonchalantly as she could. “Let me get Angel.”

But before she took a step, their daughter skipped down the stairs. “Daddy!” she cheered.

He scooped her into his arms, pecked her on her lips; and Asia’s heart fluttered. This was how it was supposed to be. The three of them. A family.

“Come on, Daddy. Come up to my room. I want to show you the new books that Mommy bought me.”

“Okay,” he said, and then glanced at Asia.

She nodded, then father and daughter dashed up the steps. “Can I read to you, Daddy?” Angel squealed. “And then will you play with me?”

“Yes, sweetheart.”

Asia kept her eyes on the second-level landing until the two were out of sight. “Let the games begin,” she whispered.

“So, did you have a good time with Daddy today, sweetie?”

“Yes, Mommy,” Angel said and then cuddled closer to her mother as the two stretched out on Asia’s bed, watching the Cartoon Network.

Asia closed her eyes and willed herself to ignore her thoughts, the ones that admonished her for using their daughter.

Bobby used me
, she thought.
And now he has to pay
.

“Sweetie, your teacher told me about the lessons you had in school.”

“We’re writing our last names and the months and our numbers up to one hundred.”

“She told me about that,” Asia paused, “and about her talk on being safe.” She took Angel’s hand. “About never letting anyone…touch you in a bad way.”

Angel stiffened and Asia held her hand tighter. “Yes, Mommy, but I don’t like it when Mrs. Bickle talks about that. It makes me scared.”

“I know, sweetie, but you don’t have to be afraid. All we want to do is keep you safe, okay?”

Angel nodded.

“Just remember that you’re special and you have the right to be safe. If anyone does anything to you, I want you to tell me about it, okay?”

She nodded again.

“Because if anyone does anything to you, it’s not your fault. No matter who it is—if you tell me, I’ll protect you, okay?”

Angel nodded again and Asia said nothing more. That was enough for tonight.

V
ANESSA

At first it appeared to be billows of smoke. But then Vanessa realized these were clouds—she was floating in the vapors, high in the sky.

Where am I?

And then she saw him—Reed. Joy swelled inside her; she wanted to talk to him, hold him, tell him how much she loved him, missed him. But her legs no longer moved. She kept her eyes on him, praying that he wouldn’t go away.

The sky darkened, and now Vanessa could see that Reed wasn’t alone. He was at a table, sitting, eating, laughing, with someone—a woman. She peered closer, then her head jerked back when she recognized his date. She was looking at herself.

They were in that restaurant, the one he’d taken her to on their first date. Vanessa tried to edge closer; she had to figure out what was going on.

Reed threw back his head and laughed. “I really like you, Nessa,” she heard him say.

She smiled now, as she had then, when he called her the nickname that he’d given her even before they’d gone out the first time. It was in Bible study where he’d called her Nessa. And it was that same night when he’d asked her on a date.

“You want to go out with me?” she’d asked, giving him a chance to admit that he’d made a mistake.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I? Don’t you want to go out with me?” When she hesitated, he added, “I was just asking you to dinner. Are you offended?”

“Oh, no,” she’d said, “not offended.” Surprised was what she was. Here she was, twenty-nine years old, and someone had finally asked her to go out.

She’d prepared with her mother, listening to Wanda’s list of dating dos and don’ts, although Vanessa wasn’t sure what her mother knew. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a date. But somehow her mother’s advice had worked. Reed had asked her out again, a third, fifth, ninth time. It was on their tenth date when he declared his love.

“Nessa, I love being with you.”

She’d smiled, keeping her thoughts inside. She’d long ago fallen in love with him, but never came close to speaking that truth aloud—not even to herself. No need to talk about love when this was bound to come to an end soon anyway.

“We’re ready to take this relationship to another level.” When he kissed her, she shivered, her body tingled with emotions she’d never had. When he leaned back and gazed into her eyes, she knew this feeling was second only to Jesus returning.

On the night Reed asked her to marry him, she’d fainted. He’d stood over her, shaking her, trying to revive her.

“Nessa, Nessa! Are you all right?”

It wasn’t until he stood to call the paramedics that she came to.

“Reed,” she called his name weakly.

He rushed to her side. “Are you all right?”

She nodded, found her voice and said, “You want to marry me?”

“Yes.” He grinned as he helped her up. “I love you. And I thought you loved me.”

“I do, but…” She paused and added, “Why me?”

“You know, Nessa, I hate it when you talk this way.”

“I know. But…”

“You want to know the reasons why I want to spend the rest of my life with you?”

She’d nodded, needing to know for real.

Using his fingers, he counted off all the becauses. “Because you’re funny. Because you’re smart. Compassionate. Giving. Loving. And best of all, because you remind me of my mother.”

It was that last reason that threw her over the top. They were truly meant to be. Because as much as she reminded him of his mother, he had to be like the father she barely remembered.

“Yes, I’ll marry you!” She’d hugged him, knowing that she’d found her forever happiness.

In her sleep now, Vanessa squeezed her pillow closer, holding Reed. She snuggled deeper into the softness of the down-filled cushion. She had him in her arms again, and this time, she had no plans to ever let him go.

V
ANESSA

Vanessa forced her eyes open and pushed herself up from the bed, but then, a moment later, sank back onto the sheets. She felt like she was drowning in grogginess.

Again she tried to sit up, glanced at the clock, and peered at the date beneath the time. No! What happened to Wednesday? Had she slept through an entire day? She shook her head, trying to remember. But all that came to mind was Monday: Mr. Wrigley…and the people she’d met on the computer. And then Tuesday, she’d had that dream about Reed, over and over. But after that, there was nothing in her memory bank. She did recall getting up a few times—going to the bathroom, getting an extra blanket, taking more pills. A few times, the ringing telephone had tried to intrude, but she’d taken no calls. She glanced at the answering machine and the red message light blinked angrily.
It’s probably just Mother
.

Vanessa staggered into the bathroom and grabbed the container with the sleeping pills. She dumped what was left onto the counter. There were only nine pills. She hadn’t planned to use so many; she needed to keep a reserve.

She turned on the shower and leaned against the wall as the water warmed. Life would be easy if she could just sleep it away, but she didn’t need to be here if she were going to waste the time that God had given her that way. It would be better to just get to Heaven with Reed and Jesus. That’s what the people on the website told her.

Well, no matter what, she couldn’t do anything like that right now. She had to go to the prayer meeting. She couldn’t afford to have Pastor Ford miss her and then come to her home. Her life had to stay as close to normal as possible so that there would be no tip-offs. Not before she knew what to do.

She stepped into the shower. It was still hours before she had to be at Hope Chapel, but it would take that long to wash away her fatigue, cleanse herself of any signs that she might be going away. She needed to be beaming and glowing when she stepped into the church.

Vanessa felt her phone vibrate before it rang. “I’m not answering, Mother,” she yelled as she gripped the steering wheel. Still, she dug her cell from the bottom of her purse. When she glanced at the screen, she flipped the phone open.

“Hey, Louise.”

“Hey, girl. Where’ve you been?”

“You’re asking me? You’re the one missing in action.”

“I know; I apologize.” She giggled, not sounding sorry at all. “But I have good news. Jon and I are doing really well.”

“Glad to hear that.”

“What’s wrong?”

I haven’t heard from you in ten days
. “Nothing, I just hope this time, Jon will do right by you.”

“Yeah, well, we’ll see. Anyway, how’ve you been? I stopped by your desk and those clowns you work with said they didn’t know when you were coming back.”

“I told you that. Remember the last time we talked? We were supposed to go out to dinner that night.”

“Well, that’s why I’m calling. What about tonight? Jon’s working late, so we can make it just a girl’s night.”

She wanted to say yes, wanted to tell her friend to meet her right after prayer meeting, so that she could see her and get a hug that she badly needed. But it was clear Louise was the kind of person her new friends on the Internet warned her about.

There will be people around you who will tell you they’ll always be by your side, but they won’t be. You’ll always be nothing more than a second thought
.

That’s what she felt like—Louise’s second thought.

“So, where shall we go?” Louise asked as if they were preparing for a celebration.

“I can’t tonight.”

“Oh.” Vanessa could hear Louise’s surprise. “You got other plans?”

“Yeah, some friends I’m meeting.”

“Oh.”

Louise waited for more, but Vanessa added nothing.

“Well,” Louise began, her voice a little softer, “maybe we can get together another time.”

“Maybe. I’ll call you. Tell Jon I said hello,” she said before she hung up and turned into the church’s parking lot.

She sighed; she’d heard Louise’s disappointment. But at least that’s all it was. Louise would never have to visit the death valley that she’d live in since Reed had passed away.

If you do it, you won’t hurt anymore
.

Vanessa jumped out of the car and marched toward the church to the prayer meeting.