The Ex Trials (Falling for Autumn #3) (15 page)

“Not all therapy is shit. After my assault, talking to someone who didn’t know any of the people involved was cathartic. I could say whatever I felt and didn’t have to worry about being judged.” Autumn said.

“What would a therapist tell me that I don’t already know?” I asked. I added in a deeper, scholarly tone, “Stay away from alcohol, Casey. It’s bad for your legs. It causes them to spread.”

“I think a therapist can help you learn things not only about yourself, but about how women perceive themselves. I’ve read up on rape culture and there’s this idea in our society that women allow themselves to be raped,” Lexi said and then added in a wry voice, “Maybe if she didn’t dress so slutty. Maybe if she hadn’t gotten so drunk. Maybe she shouldn’t have gone back to his room alone. How about forcing the man to take responsibility and saying he shouldn’t have committed rape?”

“Calm down, Lexi,” Autumn said, eyeing her warily. I could see why Autumn was worried. Minutes ago, she had apologized for getting angry and now Lexi was getting fired up all over again.

“I know I should be supportive and offer you a shoulder to cry on. But I absolutely
hate
Justin for what he did. And I get all twisted up inside over the thought that he gets to continue with his golden boy existence,” Lexi said.

“What do you want me to do, Lexi? Report what happened as a rape six months later?” I asked with disbelief. “I’m not going to the press with any of this. It could ruin his career.”

“Who gives a shit about his career?” Lexi screeched.

“Lexi, stop—” Autumn started.

“No,” Lexi said firmly. “I won’t stop.” She set down her coffee cup and gave me an intense glare. “Where is my strong and fearless friend? You were the one who has had all of our backs since freshman year. Why can’t you stick up for yourself? Why can’t you admit Justin did something awful to you? Because if anyone told me that Casey Silvers would be the one to say she ‘deserved’ to be raped, I would have told them they had lost their goddamn mind.”

“I won’t do this with you, Lexi. I realize you’re trying to stick up for me, but you weren’t there," I said fiercely. "And since I don’t remember, I can’t say for sure that I didn’t initiate sex. I could have been all over him. You said before that I might have said no. But the fact is I also could have said yes.”

Lexi looked skeptical and to be honest, my words did ring false, even to my ears. From what the bellman told me and Justin’s hasty explanation, I had doubts of my ability to know my own mind. I had been falling in love with Cole. I would have never thrown away what I had with him for one night with a cocky football player who I had never particularly liked from the beginning.

“I’m going to see Cole,” I said suddenly.

“What are you going to tell him?”

“I don’t know. I thought I’d have to tell him everything before I saw Justin again. But I feel like I should wait until we’re back in Fairfort. I need to figure out some stuff for myself first before talking to him,” I said decidedly. Wanting to change the subject, I asked, “Where’s Delia been? I haven’t seen her since last night.”

“She’s been spending time with Levi. The interview probably hit her the hardest,” Autumn said, furrowing her brow. “I have so much hate inside me about Thomas. It’s almost easy for me to take solace in the fact that although there’s a man who I hate with every fiber of my being, he will never find a way to hurt me again. For Delia, it’s complicated. She hates what her father has done, but I don’t think she could ever hate him entirely. For her, he was a good dad and it’s hard for her to reconcile what she knows of him with what he did to me.”

“You and Blake are good to her,” I said softly. “I know it took her a while to come around and believe that her father assaulted you. But Delia is solid and as much as the truth hurts, she has accepted her father isn’t the person she thought he was.”

I looked back and forth between Lexi and Autumn and something shifted inside of me as I noted their matching sullen expressions. We were supposed to be on vacation—goddamn it. Autumn’s bachelorette was supposed to be a blast. Not overflowing with more drama than when I starred in my high school’s production of
The Crucible
.

“We need a reset right this minute,” I said, pumping my arm for emphasis.

Autumn eyed me up cagily. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that we’re in probably one of the most beautiful places in the world and we’re acting like we’re at a funeral. I refuse to let Justin ruin another moment of this trip for me and I want you to do the same with Thomas,” I said with a defiant tilt of my chin.

“She’s right, Autumn. You’re only going to have one chance to have a bachelorette party. You don’t want to regret letting Thomas spoil it,” Lexi said and caught my eye.

I nodded enthusiastically. “Yes. Because that’s exactly what Thomas wants. He knows your wedding is coming up and the interview was such a pathetic attempt to try to piss on your happiness. Thomas doesn’t realize that you and Blake are unbreakable.”

“Thanks, girls,” Autumn said. “But we’re not simply dealing with Thomas. We still have to talk about Justin—”

I cut her off quickly. “Justin is a non-issue. He’s a pig now and will still be a pig when we get back home. We have two days left and dealing with Justin is not on the agenda. Having fun is.”

Autumn crossed her arms over her chest, but didn’t argue with me. “Fine. What do we have planned for today?” Autumn asked.

“Cave tour with the men and then a beach day afterwards for the ladies,” Lexi said.

“Okay. That sounds fun. Seeing Harrison’s Cave was actually something I was really looking forward to,” Autumn said and I could see her starting to perk up.

“Good. The tour leaves in a couple of hours. Gives us plenty of time to shower and pack our stuff for the day,” Lexi said.

“While you ladies are showering, I’ll stop by Cole’s room. I don’t want him to think I’m blowing him off after we had such a great time together last night,” I said.

As I finished getting ready, I tried to stop my gut from flip-flopping from nerves. I wanted to see Cole so badly that the yearning was almost too much to physically take. But in fewer than twelve hours, my world had changed. I didn’t know how to act around Cole—how to pretend to be normal. A large part of me wanted to accept Cole’s forgiveness and move on.

Would it somehow be easier if I told Cole that he had nothing to hold against me any longer? The idea was enticing, but then that would mean embracing the idea I was raped. And I couldn’t. I mentally couldn’t label myself as a rape victim. Maybe consent had been dubious, but I wasn’t sure if there could even be legal ramifications for what had happened to me. Ever since I talked to Autumn and Lexi, a twisted artist had taken up residence inside my brain—drawing pictures of what could have possibly happened while I was unconscious. Pictures I never ever wanted to see.

The truth was the night with Justin had serious, long-lasting ramifications. The heartache over losing Cole was the hardest, but my feelings about sex had altered after that night. I had been projecting. All the dirty and disgusting feelings I should have had toward Justin, I put on myself. I didn’t want sex because I had felt undesirable.

But Cole had awoken my needs again. I had been stuck inside a room of dull, discolored wallpaper and he had torn it down—replacing the walls with bright splashes of color. His mouth and his hands were attuned to my body. When he touched me, he made me feel like we were both melting, fusing into one single person who had the same exact desires. And I was ready to have all of him once again.

Chapter Sixteen

My knock was timid once I reached Cole’s room. Cole could read me too well and I didn’t want him to sense my confusion. My biggest fear was he would mistake my feelings for misgivings over our relationship.

I inwardly groaned as the wrong twin answered the door with a shit-eating grin on his face. Evan leaned back and allowed his eyes to leisurely take me in from top to bottom. “A little early for a booty call?”

“Don’t you have a circus freak to screw?”

Evan guffawed. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you sound jealous.” He chewed his lower lip as he considered me. “Do you want to audition? Saura can fold her legs behind her neck for a sick amount of time. Want to give it a try?”

“You’re revolting,” I said with a shake of my head. “You probably made this girl up and have been somewhere beating one out the whole time.”

He waved his hand in front of my face. “I’d tell you to smell my fingers, but I have more class than that.”

I gave him a weary sigh. “Where’s your brother?”

“Does it hurt, Casey?”

“Huh?”

“Does the stick up your ass hurt?”

Cole came up from behind his brother and shoved him aside. “Are you really letting her inside?” Evan asked Cole in disbelief. “Because if it was up to me, Casey, I’d tell you to not let the door hit ya, where the good lord split ya.”

“Good thing it’s not up to you,” Cole said with quiet menace in his voice.

Evan shrugged and walked away. Cole gave me a warm smile and I felt all the darkness that I had been fighting against flee immediately.

Cole was wet and shirtless, obviously freshly showered. He smelled incredible, like he had recently taken a dip in a fresh mountain spring. Water droplets ran down the chiseled planes of his chest and I was riveted by the trails they made down his body. If his brother wasn’t in the room, I’d be on top of Cole in five seconds flat.

“Hey, I tried calling last night,” he said, leaning against the frame.

“I know. I took a walk around the ship. It was an intense night,” I said.

He leaned forward and lowered his voice. “Are we good? Because things are moving crazy fast, although we talked about taking it slow.”

I frowned at him and tried not to let my emotions get the better of me. There was a taint that would follow us around always. There wasn’t an infallible trust between us. With Cole carrying around the belief I cheated, he would endlessly question our bond.

“We’re more than good, I promise,” I said with a shy smile.

“Will you both either shut up or fuck already? Listening to you two is like being stuck inside a Lifetime movie,” Evan called out from the room.

Cole stepped forward and shut the door to block out his brother. My body moved forward on its own and I found myself resting my head against his chest. He put his arms around my waist, hugging me to him like I was the most precious possession in his world. His heart sounded strong and steady and I knew he had the power to chase all my demons away.

“I missed you,” I said in a soft whisper against his chest.

“I missed you too. I wished you could have stayed over last night,” he said and brushed a soft kiss on top of my head.

“I mean I’ve missed you since the winter. We should’ve talked. I should’ve tried to see you and explain everything,” I said.

His body stiffened and I damned myself for killing the mood. “We can’t change the past. I missed you too, but maybe I needed the space. If I hadn’t missed you so damn much, then I would have never realized that I don’t want to be without you. What happened in Atlantic City wasn’t easy for me to accept and I know we have to work through it, but we have time for that. But for the time being, why don’t we forget about all the shit from before and concentrate on the here and now?”

I pulled back and placed my fingertips on the rough stubble on his cheeks. “Sounds good to me.” His lips found mine and I loved the sweetness of his kiss. He explored my mouth slowly and sensually. It was as if we were the only two people in the world who existed.

His hand got tangled in my blonde curls and the kiss became more passionate. I was drowning in him and didn’t want to come up for air. He tasted delicious and I was hungry for more of him. Playfully I nipped at his lower lip and he let out a low, pleasurable groan. I smoothed my palms over his shoulders, enjoying the tense feel of his muscles.

Suddenly, we broke apart as the door to his cabin flung open. Cole stumbled backwards as I shifted to the side of the hallway. I smoothed down my hair and shot Evan a pissed-off look. I wasn’t embarrassed he caught me kissing his brother, I was only irritated he had interrupted.

“You two,” Evan said in a mocking tone. “Ever play Fuck, Marry or Kill, Casey? Because let me tell you, each day it changes between you and my brother. Before the cruise, I would’ve thought he’d pick kill for sure. Then, once we left Puerto Rico, I would have guessed a revenge fuck. But by the looks of things, marry would have been the best pick.”

My face flushed as I realized the implications of his words. Evan knew I had cheated on his twin. I couldn’t be angry with Cole for telling his brother, but I did feel humiliated. I had thought his antagonism had been unwarranted. I thought Evan was just being his same old wiseass self. I never guessed his jokes had bite to them. He hadn’t outright called me a cheating whore for messing around on his brother and I momentarily wondered why. But the reason was obvious. Cole had told him to keep the cheating under wraps. Cole had a soft spot for me, even after I told him I slept with another man. He may have been furious at me, but he still went out of his way to protect my reputation. No wonder I felt completely empty without him in my life.

“Casey, are you okay?” Cole’s deep timbre interrupted my thoughts.

I blinked hard at him and looked over his shoulder sheepishly at Evan. I could usually shrug off Evan as an arrogant dick, but I felt off-kilter. Since talking to Lexi and Autumn, I felt like someone else was inside my body and brain. This new Casey was shy, awkward and struggled how to put into words how she felt.

My brain needed to turn off. If I could just shut out all my thoughts, I could fix everything. I could drag off Cole to somewhere private and we could screw my brain on right.

But what if I couldn’t go through with it? What if Cole and I were alone and the moment I felt him inside of me, the dam broke and all the bad memories about Justin were released? And I wanted those memories to stay sealed. Because I didn’t think I could stand to remember.

Did I ask Justin for it? Did I beg him to bed me? Or did I say no? Did I plead with him to leave me alone? Either scenario made me want to curl into myself and never come out again.

“Casey, I was just kidding. You know my bro and I practically share the same thoughts and we would both pick marry for the game,” Evan said with an awkward laugh once he seemed to notice I wasn’t responding with my typical combativeness.

“I’m fine,” I said finally and waved him off to emphasize my point. “I had food poisoning yesterday and I must still be feeling off.”

I hated lying, but the timing for honesty was terrible. Cole and I needed to get back home to figure out our issues. Exorcising our demons on a cruise with all of our closest friends and family was next to impossible.

“Gross,” Evan said, scrunching his nose together in distaste. He addressed his brother, “Dude, she is looking a little green. Help the girl out and take her in the room and give her the Shocker.” Evan smirked at me. “Believe me, you’ll be thanking me later.”

Once again, Cole shoved his brother back into the room and grunted at him. “Too far. Would it kill you to show a little respect once in a while?”

“Not my style,” Evan said. “Anyway, I’m only trying to help. Saura lost her shit when I broke out the Shocker. It may end up being my signature move.” I read enough Cosmopolitan articles to know what he was referring to. I had been bullshitting about feeling sick, but the visual of Evan fingering some poor girl and then shoving a finger up her ass was enough to make me truly feel nauseous. He may have been Cole’s twin, but there was zero physical attraction to him on my part.

Cole knocked him back powerfully until he was fully back inside their room. Before his brother could protest, Cole slammed the door shut. He turned back to me. “Sorry about that. I think he acts out when Levi and I are dating someone. Cole referred to Delia as Yoko Ono for a good three months when she first got together with Levi.”

I rubbed his cheek affectionately. “Evan doesn’t faze me. He doesn’t want to lose his wingman, so he tries to scare me away with his crude humor.”

He put his hand on the doorframe and stared down at me. “I’ve been a shitty wingman anyway.”

“Oh yeah?”

I didn’t want to ask, but I had been burning with curiosity about our time apart. Did Cole lose himself in scores of women to forget about me? I wasn’t naïve about his past as a self-proclaimed baller who hadn’t kept a woman around long enough to have breakfast together the next morning.

“You’ve had me for a long time, Casey. Probably before you even noticed me, I’ve wanted only you. And when we broke up, nothing changed. You still owned me. And although it was torture to only want you, I couldn’t fight it,” he admitted quietly.

My heart bled for him. To make himself so vulnerable after what I put him through only made me realize how much Cole was willing to risk in order to give me a second chance. “I love you,” I said in a steady and strong tone.

I needed to be the first one to say the words. I had to take the leap without the assuredness that Cole would say the words back. Because if I wanted to fix what had broken between us, I had to put myself out there.

I kissed him before he could speak. He didn’t need to say he loved me back. I could earn his love and trust over time. But he had to know how I felt. He had to understand that I wasn’t using him or playing a sick game with his heart. I didn’t want to pretend that we were only satisfying mutual lust. I had real, very intense feelings. Feelings that made me realize that I never wanted to let Cole go. I may have to fight against my own issues to have a happy ending with him, but he was worth any battle.

I kept my lips pressed into his and didn’t let go. I bonded my love for him, using my kiss to tell him that we were an unstoppable force. The world could throw what they wanted at us, but we would still be standing together.

Finally, we broke apart. He breathed, “This is so hard. My self-control keeps slipping and I keep imagining different spots around the boat I can sneak away with you.”

“I feel the same way. But my best friend needs me. We have to leave soon for the cave tour.”

We needed reality. We needed friends and obligations to remind us that being a couple would be more than a handful of secret trysts on vacation. In the real world, we both had jobs and we both had our own lives. There would be late nights on the road for him playing with Trojan Jedi. And late nights for me closing the restaurant. We needed those trials—the tests to see if we could really trust one another.

He gave me a kiss on my cheek and stayed close. “We will have our time together soon,” he said, his voice low and just for me. He continued, “And I don’t need any special tricks to make you finish for me. I have the exact spots memorized that will have you coming hard.”

On unsteady legs, I toddled away from him, but I could hear his sexy chuckle from far down the hall. He was wrong. I was the one who was owned.