The Fading Trilogy: Fading, Freeing, Falling: Includes 2 BONUS short stories: Hoping and Finding Forever (12 page)

Pulling up to the apartment, I hear my phone chime. I pick it up and read Jase's text.

Got everything you asked for and more. On my way now.

Thank you so much. See you in a bit.

I am in the bathroom putting more ointment on my face when I hear Jase walk in. Wiping off my hands, I make my way into his bedroom where he is unzipping the bags that have my toiletries, clothes, textbooks, and dance gear.

Looking up at me, he says, "I grabbed more clothes than what you had asked me to."

"Thanks," I say as I walk over to the bed. I start unpacking, hanging up my clothes, putting my makeup and other toiletries in the bathroom, and throwing my books and dance things in his closet. Jase sits on the bed and watches me as I move around his room. When I turn and look at him over my shoulder, he has that look in his eyes. The look I can't stand. The look that reaffirms the fact that I need to keep this private.

"Stop," I say.

"What?"

I walk over and sit down next to him on the bed. "Stop looking at me like that."

Lowering his head to stare at the floor, he says, "You know Kimber is going to flip when she comes home and sees that a bunch of your things are gone."

"I know," I sigh out as I lie back on the bed and close my eyes. "What am I going to tell her?"

Lying back and turning his head to look at me, he says, "We'll figure it out."

As we lie here, staring at each other with no words, Jase holds my hand and laces his fingers through mine. This simple gesture comforts me in a way that only Jase can do. We have always been very affectionate with each other, but it has never felt weird. It was our natural chemistry from the moment we met our freshman year. And now, I feel like he is my only lifeline.

I lift up slightly and rest my head on his chest, and he wraps me in his arms. We decide, without spoken words, to remain in bed for the afternoon and nap. But just before I am about to doze off, I hear someone enter the apartment. Before I can sit up, Mark appears in the doorway of the bedroom.

I notice a shift in his eyes as he says, "Oh my God."

I think for a moment that maybe he is upset that I'm cuddling in bed with his boyfriend, but that thought is quickly replaced with anxiety when he asks, "What the hell happened to your face, honey?"

Shit!
I quickly try to cover what he has clearly already seen with my hands. Turning to Jase, I see he is already sitting up next to me, looking at me with the same worry that I feel. Mark's eyes dart back and forth between Jase and I as we sit there, not knowing what to say because we never got around to discussing it.

"Um, hey. I'm sorry, but could you give us just a minute?" Jase asks.

Mark looks at me and then back at Jase before responding. "Yeah, man. Sure, I'll just be in the other room."

Mark turns and closes the door behind him, giving Jase and me some privacy.

"Shit, I'm so sorry," I say as I rake my fingers through my hair.

"What for?"

"I don't know, for having your boyfriend see us in bed together."

"Don't worry about it. I talk about you all the time. He knows how we are; it doesn't bother him," he says, reassuring me. He shifts his body to face me and continues, "Candace, I don't know what to do here. I just got back together with Mark, and I can't lie to him."

I stare at him for a long while. We sit there, looking into each other's eyes, and we don't say a word. I can't be selfish with Jase; I love him too much, and I know how happy he is to be with Mark again. But I can't help to be terrified out of my mind. I lower my head and look down before I hesitantly nod.

Lifting my chin with his finger, he says, "Mark would never say anything. He isn't like that, Candace."

I am so scared and begin to cry at the thought of anyone else knowing. Jase wipes my tears and leans his forehead against mine.

"Don't cry," he whispers.

"I'm so embarrassed."

Pulling me into his arms, he sighs, "I know you are, sweetie, but you shouldn't be."

He continues to hold me as my crying grows stronger. I bury my head in his neck and let it pour out of me as I feel him slowly rocking me back and forth. I don't know how long I've been crying when I feel the bed dip down next to me and another hand on my back. I know that it's Mark, and now I'm even more embarrassed that I can't even look up. So I just stay there, in Jase's arms, and cry.

As the tears start to slow and my body grows tired, Jase slowly pulls away. Fixing his eyes on mine with his eyebrows knitted together, I feel the bed shift again. I turn my head to see that Mark is kneeling beside the bed in front of me. I look down at him as he stares at me with nothing but concern. I'm no longer crying, but the tears keep falling, and I don't know how to stop them.

He takes my hand before speaking. "Who did this?"

It's pretty obvious that this didn't happen by some accident by the way I was just sobbing for what felt like an hour. I can't find any words though. I no longer feel the intense anxiety; I feel defeated. So, I just continue to stare at him.

Jase clears his throat before I hear him say, "Um...Candace was attacked Monday night."

Hearing those words knocks the air out of me, and I lower my elbows to my knees and hide my face in my hands. Jase never takes his hand off of my back, but I now feel two more hands on my legs.

"What happened?" Mark asks.

I hear Jase let out a long sigh, and I start shaking my head in my hands. I know he's about to say it. I'm scared to hear the words I know are coming any second. My body turns cold, and I tense up as I try desperately to hold onto the sob that is threatening to escape my chest.

Jase slides his hand up my back to my shoulder and squeezes tightly.

"She was raped."

I feel Mark's forehead fall to my knees, and the pain I was trying so hard to contain suddenly rips out of me, and I can do nothing but sob. My body begins to jerk when it becomes difficult to breathe.

The three of us sit there and cling to each other. How the hell did this become my life? I am not a weak person. I am strong and hold my emotions tight. I hardly recognize the weakness that is pouring out of me. Defeat. I am so tired and worn out. Exhausted.

I wipe my eyes with the backs of my hands as I take in a slow shaky breath and let it out slowly. Looking up, I see Marks eyes staring into mine.

"I won't say anything, if you were worried about that."

I nod my head. "I'm so tired," I say, not knowing what else to say really.

"I told her she could stay here for a few days," Jase tells Mark. "She doesn't want anyone to know, and if Kimber saw her face, she would question her."

"I think that's a good idea," Mark responds, then looks at me and says, "I know we don't know each other that well, but I am here if you ever need me. I feel like I know you well by how much Jase speaks of you. The both of us are always here for you."

I nod my head and say, "Thanks."

We sit in the living room and eat a late lunch. After my embarrassing breakdown, Mark offered to go and pick up some Chinese food. While he was gone, I took another quick shower. I have been taking a lot of those in the past few days. There's something about the hot water against my skin. It makes me feel clean, but only for a short while.

"I've gotta get out of this apartment," I say as I pick up an egg roll and take a huge bite. With my emotions running on high and the lack of sleep, my hunger finally caught up with me.

"Okay. What did you have in mind?" Jase asks.

"I don't know. Some place quiet."

"Why don't we go to my house? Change of scenery," Mark says while twirling a fork full of lo-mein.

I look at Mark and say, "Perfect."

We sit there quietly and continue to eat our greasy food when I hear my phone ring. I walk over to the bar and see that it's Kimber calling. Suddenly nervous, I let it continue to ring until it goes to voicemail.

"Who's that?" Jase asks.

I turn around to look at him and answer, "Kimber." Before I can set the phone down, it chimes with a text from her.

I'm starting to wonder if you're mad at me. Where's your stuff?

I don't respond. Instead, I turn my phone off and leave it on the counter.

"The more you ignore her, the worse it's gonna get," Jase says, picking up his plate and walking into the kitchen.

I watch him as he starts to rinse off his dish in the sink. "Drop it, please. Can we just forget? Just for today?"

The truth is, I don't want to drop it just for today. Call me the Queen of Avoidance, but I hate dealing with issues head on. I get really anxious and nervous, so I tend to just ignore and let things slide. But I know this isn't going to just disappear. And Jase is right: the longer I wait, the worse it will be. I just don't have it in me right now.

After lunch, we hop into Mark's car and head over to his house, first stopping to pick up some beer at the store. I stay in the car with Mark while Jase goes in. I'm very self-conscious about the scratches on my face, so I'd rather avoid public places.

Mark lives right off campus in a small house. After the fiasco with his roommate and Jase, Mark kicked him out and got another roommate. Mark assured me he wouldn't be home though.

The patio in the backyard is surprisingly large, so we decide to relax outside and drink for the afternoon. I'm not in the mood to talk, so I just listen to Mark and Jase. I begin to tune them out as I start on my second beer. Sitting back in my chair with my eyes closed, I enjoy the heat of the sun on my face. I keep dozing in and out of a light sleep, and I can faintly hear the boys talking about Mark's band and how they just got a new gig to play this weekend at a local bar. I have never heard them play before, but they seem to be popular around UW.

"Hey, Candace?"

Squinting my eyes against the bright sun, I look over at Jase. "Kimber just texted me."

Closing my eyes again, I say, "We're pretending, remember?"

And with that, the subject is dropped.

The next few days pass in a bit of a haze. Jase has classes during the day but stops by to check on me when he can. I spend most of my time in bed trying to sleep. Nights are rough. Something about the darkness. I have been having nightmares—bad nightmares. Jack is constantly in my dreams, tormenting me. I wake up in a state of confusion, screaming and crying; often having to run to the bathroom to throw up. I know I'm freaking Jase out, but he stays calm and holds me while I cry until I fall into another fit of sleep. He suggested that I call my doctor to see about getting on a sleeping pill. I will do just about anything to get Jack out of my head to get some rest. I'm exhausted, and it shows in my eyes.

By Sunday, the scratches on my face are hardly noticeable, which is a relief because I have to work this evening. I decide to go to the studio since I know it will most likely be empty, and I can have the place to myself. I haven't danced all week, and I'm hoping that being back in the studio will make me feel a little more normal. Before I leave the apartment, I put on some makeup just in case I run into anyone. I am able to cover up the light scars on my face pretty well now that the ugly scabs are gone.