The Fading Trilogy: Fading, Freeing, Falling: Includes 2 BONUS short stories: Hoping and Finding Forever (32 page)

"Thanks." I take the cup, and avoid eye contact.
What am I doing? Why does this make me so uncomfortable?
Even the fact that he remembers how I take my coffee feels like too much.

It's always been difficult for me to connect to people, to let them in. Jase says it's because of the lack of affection I had when I was growing up. Maybe he's right. I've only ever truly let one person in—Jase. Guys have always made me feel awkward. I don't know how to respond to affection, and I wind up feeling embarrassed and shy. For the first time, I don't want to feel that way. Not with Ryan. Maybe it's because he has seen a part of me that no one besides Jase has.

Fighting with my parents has been my life. I am used to the chilled air that surrounds them. But having Ryan witness that, and then watching me fall apart, is something that no one has seen. I've always kept that hidden within me.

"Hey," he says, and I am snapped out of my thoughts. "You okay?"

No. I'm confused. I don't want to be, but I am. What happened last night? What did that mean?

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just want to get ready before everyone wakes up."

"Okay."

I turn and make my way upstairs and quietly sneak into his room, careful not to wake Madison.

I take my time showering and getting ready, needing to pull my thoughts together before going downstairs. Yesterday was overwhelming, being around Ryan's large family. I am so used to calm and quiet. I can already hear the kids playing as I slip on my jeans and one of my old UW sweatshirts. Wrapping my hair on top of my head in a messy bun, I hear a knock on the bathroom door.

"Come in," I say. When the door opens, Ryan walks in and leans up against the sink right next to me. I look over at him while I'm swiping on some lip-gloss and start putting everything away. He watches me as I pack my things up, and when I pass him, he takes me by the waist and pulls me in.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Nothing. Really."

Cocking his head slightly to the side, he says, "You wanna get out of here for a while?"

Without thinking too much, I nod my head.

He takes my hand, but this time it's different. He laces his fingers through mine and leads me downstairs. Everyone is moving about, eating breakfast, and tending to all the kids. He walks us into the formal dining room where his mother and cousins are sitting. I see Donna's eyes go straight to our hands, and I quickly try to pull my hand away, but he grips me tighter.

"Good morning, Candace," she says as she stands up and gives me a hug. "How did you sleep last night?"

"Good, thank you."

"Hey, Mom, we're going to go to Indian Beach for a while," Ryan tells her.

"Oh, okay. Well, the girls and I are heading to Astoria for the day to do some shopping, so we won't be around. But the guys are going to stay here with all the kids."

"What are the plans for dinner tonight?"

"The kids really want Fultano's Pizza," she says.

"Text me when you're driving back, and we'll go pick it up," Ryan tells her.

"Thanks, dear." She leans in and kisses him on the cheek. "You guys have a good day."

We head out to the jeep and start driving towards Ecola Park to the beach. The drive is quiet as we weave through the lush trees on the narrow, winding road. The surroundings are absolutely stunning, considering the dark grey skies and rainy weather. When we make our way out of the canopy of trees, Ryan parks the jeep, reaches into the back seat, and grabs me a hooded raincoat.

"Here, wear this," he says as I take the coat from him.

When we get out of the jeep, I shrug on the huge coat and pull the hood over my head. The wind off the water is strong, and the chill is biting. He takes my hand again and starts walking us down the wooden stairs to the wet puddled sand and rocks. This place is beautiful in a dark and moody way. We are the only ones on the beach aside from a few surfers in wetsuits out in the water. I follow Ryan and we walk along the uneven stacks of black rocks toward a few logs of driftwood. We sit on one of the logs, and he wraps his arm around me as I shiver in the rainy cold. The view of the deep cliffs around us and the sea stacks in the water are awesome.

"This is amazing," I say.

"Yeah, I love it out here. I used to surf here a lot growing up."

I nod my head, remembering the surfboards in his bedroom.

"Candace," he says as he turns his focus on me. Looking into my eyes, he asks, "What's bothering you? And don't say nothing, because I know something is."

Looking away, back at the water, I try to find my words. If I don't talk to him, then the awkwardness will just continue. But, what do I say? There are a million things racing through my head, and I am finding it hard to hone in on just one. And what if he thinks I'm crazy for reading too much into a kiss that was probably something so casual to him?

"Candace," he says, and I turn to look back at him.

I let out a breath before admitting, "I just don't really know what we're doing." It's all I can say.

Shifting his one leg over the log, he turns to face me straight on. "Tell me what you want."

What? Why can't he just tell me what he wants?

Not wanting to look at him, I stare out into the water again when I confess, "I'm not good at this stuff, Ryan."

"Come here," he says as he tugs on my leg, and I shift my body slightly to face him. "I've wanted to kiss you since the night of the concert. I don't know where your head is at, but whenever I'm not with you, I want to be."

My heart begins to race as he says this to me. It's what I was hoping to hear, but also what I was scared to hear.

When I drop my head, he says, "Talk to me, babe."

"I just...I don't do this well."

"Do what?"

"This..." I stop talking when he cradles my face in his hands and moves me so that I'm looking at him.

"Whatever
this
is, I want it. I just need to know if you do." His eyes are serious, and he never takes them off of me as he speaks. It's intimidating and makes me anxious. Hearing him speak so honestly makes my stomach flutter. I'm scared. I'm happy. I'm all over the place when I finally look up at him. And with trepidation, I nod my head yes.

A smile breaks across his face as he pulls me in and kisses me. I wrap my arms around him, underneath his coat as his cold, rain soaked lips cover mine. He draws me in tight, and I melt into him. Pushing my fears aside, I focus solely on him. His hold on me is strong, which contrasts his gentle kisses. He's in no rush as he takes his time, dragging his tongue across my lip and slipping it inside my mouth. When our tongues slide across each other, I tighten my grip on him. His lips are soft, and I can taste a hint of mint on him. He holds my head and guides me with him as we move with one another. I've never been kissed the way Ryan kisses me. He's slow and deliberate, and I can feel that it's more than just a kiss to him, which settles me because it's more than that for me too.

His hands still on my cheeks, he breaks our kiss, and I stare up into his eyes when he says, "Should we get out of here?"

"Let's stay." I'm in no hurry to go back to his house, and I don't want this moment to end just yet.

"Come here." He pulls me onto his lap, and I hook my arms around his neck. He is much larger than I am, so I fit perfectly in his hold.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything," he says as he turns his head to look at me.

"I never asked before because I didn't want to intrude, but...where is your father?"

He lets out a slow breath and shifts his focus out to the beach. "He died about ten years ago." He turns to face me again, and I feel awful for asking.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked," I say when I drop my head, feeling bad for bringing it up.

Lifting my chin to look up at him, he says, "Candace, you can ask me anything. I don't want you to feel like you can't, okay?"

"Yeah," I quietly sigh and turn my head away from him, still feeling like I shouldn't have asked him that.

After a moment he begins to speak. "My dad was an asshole." When I look at him, he continues, "He drank way too much and was never around, but when he was, he was a total dick. So, don't feel bad for asking, because I don't feel bad that he's dead."

His voice is hard when he speaks, and I have no idea how to respond to his harsh words. I want to know more, but I don't dare ask. Whatever is underneath this is something that seems painful, so I let it go.

I look up at the cliff that is behind us and notice a roped off ledge. "Is there a trail up there?"

Turning his head to see what I'm looking at, he says, "Yeah, it's a pretty decent path if you want to go up there."

Needing to cut this intensity, I say, "Yeah, let's go."

He eyes my leopard rain boots and asks, "Those have enough traction?"

"We'll see." I giggle and hop off of his lap and grab his hands to pull him off the log.

He smiles at my laugh and leans down to give me a chaste kiss before bending down and grabbing me behind my knees, scooping me up over his shoulder. I squeal as he starts hauling me up the stairs while I hang upside down. I don't even think to tell him to put me down because I love this feeling of playfulness. I honestly can't remember the last time I have felt like this; I don't think I ever have.

We hike along the path and explore the area for a couple hours. I was apprehensive about coming on this trip with him, but I'm so glad I did. My discomfort has dissipated, and it feels like it always has with us—light and easy.

We start walking back to the jeep, thoroughly wet and windblown.

"You up for shopping?" he asks me with a smirk.

"Shopping?"

"Yeah, everyone is leaving tonight, so I need to get the kids hopped up on sugar before they go," he jokes. Opening my door, he helps me up into my seat before walking around to the other side. When he gets in, I ask, "Where are we going?"

"Seaside. There's a cool candy shop called The Buzz."

I laugh at his excitement. "Your cousins are going to hate you, you know?"

"I'm their uncle, it's my job to spoil the shit out of those kids to spite their parents."

He makes me laugh, but his love for his nieces and nephews is apparent. I get the feeling that is how they all are with each other. It feels so abnormal to be around them, but I know it's because I've never had that in my life. It's always just been me and my parents, and there was never any warmth between us.

Ryan reaches over, laces his fingers with mine, and holds my hand. I smile when I look over at him. I sit back, with our hands connected, and enjoy his quiet company as we drive.

Pulling onto the Broadway Strip of Seaside, there are throngs of people walking on the sidewalks, going in and out of the shops that line the street. When we find a parking spot, we walk to the candy shop. He leads me to the back of the store, and when I see what he is eying, I start laughing and say, "You cannot let those kids eat this stuff!"

"Watch me," he says with a devious smile.

I just stand there next to him, shaking my head as he tells the sales clerk to bag up chocolate-covered and peanut butter-covered Twinkies, chocolate covered bacon, and a chunk of peanut butter foam rock.

Looking over at me as he pays for the diabetic-coma-in-a-bag, he innocently says, "What?" as if he doesn't understand the absurdness of his purchase.

"Nothing," I say in a high-pitched mock defensive tone.

After grabbing lunch, we continue to shop around before deciding to head back. The rain has been constant all day, and we are both in desperate need of clean, dry clothes, especially since we decided to hike in the mud earlier.

Ryan's mom calls to let us know that they are on their way back to the house, so we stop by Fultano's to pick up a few pizzas for an early dinner before everyone leaves.

We arrive home before his mother and aunts do, so Ryan stashes the pizzas in the oven and offers to take the older kids upstairs to play to give their dads a little break. There is a large playroom that he takes the three kids into and has me shut the door behind them.