The Fading Trilogy: Fading, Freeing, Falling: Includes 2 BONUS short stories: Hoping and Finding Forever (75 page)

Mark seems a bit distracted as he nods and takes a seat on the couch. I walk over and sit next to him when he says, “Can we talk for a second?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

Shifting to face me he asks, “Have you heard from Candace today?”

“No. She has her two-hour studio today and a lecture. But she should be back soon.”

“You worried?”

“Always,” I say as I kick my feet up on the coffee table and lean back into the couch. I watch Mark, and I can tell he wants to say something, and now I’m not worrying about Candace so much. “What’s up with you?” I ask him and when he looks at me, I can definitely tell he’s nervous.

“Look, I know you love Candace, and I need you to know that I do too. She’s amazing. But I think her staying here is hurting her more than it’s helping.”

I let out a deep breath and look straight forward as he continues. “I think her going back home will help her. She’s so dependent on you right now, and I worry that she’s going to fall into a rut.”

I turn back to him and defend, “She has really bad nights.”

“I know this isn’t easy on you. I get it. And I know you want her here, but I think her standing on her own will maybe force her to deal with this more.”

What he’s saying makes sense. Of course I want her here. All I want to do is protect her. Looking down at the cup of coffee, I nod my head, and Mark takes it from my hands and sets it on the table.

“You two are so close, and I understand why, but I think her going back home might be the best thing you can do for her.” He takes my hand in his and says, “You can’t keep her here forever, you know?”

But I want to.

Mark and I both turn around when the door opens and we see Candace walking in. She quickly glances our way while walking straight to the bathroom. I look at Mark and sigh when I hear her turn on the shower.

“You know her better than I do. I just wanted to be honest with you and tell you my thoughts.” Mark looks down and shakes his head before looking back up. “I’m sorry if I—”

Cutting him off, I tell him, “Don’t be sorry. It’s fine. And maybe you’re right. I just feel helpless, and I don’t know what else to do.”

He lies back next to me and we just sit there. Mark is right; I can’t hide her away forever. She has to be able to deal with this on her own, but I hate the thought of not being there for her because I know that right now, she’s crying in the shower. I could see it all over her face when she walked through the door. Guilt is a bitch, and it’s consuming me as I sit here with Mark.

I look over at him with defeat written all over my face. He reaches out and runs his hand down my neck before I just can’t take it anymore. I hop off the couch and walk into the bathroom.

Sure enough, she’s sitting in the corner of the shower with her head in her hands. I open the door and shut off the water, handing her a towel. When she looks up at me with bloodshot eyes, I reach for her hand and help her up. Wrapping the towel around her, we walk into my bedroom.

“Talk to me, sweetie.”

She heads over to the closet and tells me, “Give me a second and I’ll come out, okay?”

“Okay.”

When I return to Mark, he stands up and places his hands on either side of my face. “She will be okay,” he tries to assure me, and all I can do is nod.

When she comes out into the living room she scrunches in between the two of us.

“What happened?” I ask as I lace my fingers with hers.

“Nothing happened. I just . . . I didn’t think I’d be so scared.”

“Scared of what?”

She looks at me with tears rimming her eyes and says, “Of
him
.”

When I shake my head, she continues, “What if I see him? I was so paranoid all day. I kept thinking I would turn a corner and he would be there. It was awful.”

“Have you ever seen him on campus before?” Mark questions, and she shakes her head. “Do you want me to try and meet you when your classes get out so you don’t have to walk across campus alone?”

I snap my head to look at Mark when he says this. I can’t believe how genuine this guy is. Even though I don’t want Candace to leave, I know that Mark’s heart is in the right place with what he said to me. He’s probably seeing things more clearly than I am. But before I can even mention anything, she says, “I’ll be fine. I just need to keep going about my days like I used to.” Looking up at me, she asks, “Can you come home with me on Wednesday. I don’t want to go alone in case Kimber is there.”

“What?”

“I need to go back home. I just want you to come with me.”

I’m caught off guard when she says this, and when I look across at Mark, he gives me an encouraging nod.

“Yeah, of course. But—”

“Jase. I’ll be fine.”

I don’t believe her lie for one second, but I don’t say anything because I know she doesn’t want me to. Nothing about this feels good to me.

I grab Candace’s bags and follow her down to the parking garage. I hate that she’s going home. I hate this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just hate this whole situation. She tried convincing me that she would be okay when we woke up this morning. She finally got her sleeping pills and the past two nights she’s been getting more rest. She still wakes throughout the night, but she hasn’t had a nightmare. I still worry though; I can’t help it.

“I’ll follow you,” I tell her as I toss her bags in her trunk.

“Okay.”

When we drive up to her house, Kimber’s car is gone. Candace has been uneasy about seeing her again, and I don’t blame her.

When I get out of my car, I get her bags and carry them in for her.

“Are you sure everything is all right?” I ask as I start helping her unpack.

“Yeah, Jase. I can’t stay with you forever, and you and Mark don’t need me around all of the time.”

It upsets me that she feels this way, but I can also tell that Mark has been feeling the same thing as well. We barely get to spend any alone time together and I know it bothers him, but he would never come out and say anything. He’s too nice.

I watch Candace, and I know she’s upset. The thought of her sleeping alone tonight bothers me, but Mark is right, this is probably the best thing for her, so I need to put my feelings aside and just let her be.

“What time do you get off work tonight? Do you want me to meet you afterward?” I ask.

“I close tonight, so I’ll leave around eleven, but you don’t have to meet me there. I’m working with Roxy, so I won’t be alone.”

She grabs her laundry basket and starts heading toward the laundry room as I follow. When we walk into the living room, I pick up my backpack and Candace walks me to the door.

“Thank you,” she says, and I turn to face her.

“For what?”

“Everything.” When her brows pinch together, I know she is trying not to cry.

“Sweetie, I feel like I haven’t done nearly enough.”

I know she doesn’t like to talk when she gets like this, so she shakes her head and the tears spill over. I pull her into me and brace my arms tightly around her, combing my fingers through her hair until she settles down.

“You keep the key to my place, okay? Come over anytime you need, even if it’s the middle of the night.”

Nodding her head, she finally speaks. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Text me tonight when you get home.”

“Okay,” she says, and I give her a kiss before turning to walk to my car.

I told Mark I would come over to his place after I dropped Candace off, so I start driving that way. I take this time to relieve myself of everything I have been keeping bottled up this past week. The tears come effortlessly. The pain that I feel for Candace is unreal. I want to turn my car around and go pick her up. I feel guilty that I’m going to spend my day with Mark and not her.

Turning into his driveway, I wipe the tears with the back of my hand before getting out of the car. I know I look like shit, and I know Mark will be able to tell how upset I am, but for once, I don’t let it bother me. The way he has been there for me and for Candace this past week has revealed a side of him that I find myself falling for.

As I walk to his front door, I know I am walking towards a person who has proven to be dependable for me. So when I knock and he answers, I don’t hide my pain. It’s written all over me.

He wraps his arms around me, and I finally let my walls down and cry. He pulls me inside, and I grab onto him as I let out everything I’ve been keeping in. Mark doesn’t say a word; he just holds me tight and allows me to accept the comfort that only he can give me. I can’t do this with Candace because I need to be her anchor, but I’ve finally found a person that I
can
do this with. I’m finally allowing myself to be open enough to have this release, and to have it with Mark is more than what I deserve.

Shifting back from me, he braces his hands on the sides of my face and looks into my eyes. I don’t hide from him. I don’t want to. He leans in and presses his lips onto mine. This kiss is different. I feel like I need it. Like I couldn’t breathe without it. So I don’t move as we linger in this moment for a little longer.

We finally drag our lips from each other, and I rest my forehead against his as I take in a deep breath. Mark holds my hand and walks me over to the couch to sit down. Leaning back in his arms, I say, “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“I just don’t know what to do,” I admit.

“You’re doing everything you can do, babe. Was she okay when you left?”

“She was crying. I hate seeing her like that. She never used to cry. Ever. And now, it’s all she seems to do.”

Mark tightens his grip around me, and when he does, I feel a need for closeness consume me, so I decide to talk for a while. “She’s just broken, and I don’t know how to fix her. And now I feel guilty that I’m here with you and not there with her. But at the same time, I feel like an ass because I want to be here with you . . . alone. I know you want to have time with me, and I want to give you that, but I’m torn in a way, and no matter what, I feel guilty.”

“Jase, you’re not doing anything wrong, and neither Candace nor I feel that you are. That’s only in
your
head.” He takes a moment before he continues. “And yes, of course I want time alone with you. But I need you to want that too. Same page, right?”

“I do want that but not with the guilt.”

He shifts so that he is looking at me when he says, “Knowing that you want it, guilt or not, is all I need. I hate that you feel guilty, but I know it’s only because you love so much. I promise you, you’re not doing anything wrong, so you shouldn’t hold your choices against yourself.”

When I see the sincerity in his eyes, I try to convince myself of his words. I sit up and lean my elbows on my knees, and when I feel the touch of Mark’s hand on my back, I drop my head and blink out the tears that have been rimming my eyes. Thoughts of Jack start to pierce into my thoughts, and I grow angry as I think about how much this has changed her. When I think about what that piece of shit did to her, I feel my blood heat in my veins. Resting my head in my hands, I seethe, “I want to kill him.”

“Who?”

“Jack. The asshole that did this to her.” I stand up, not able to sit still with the bitter fury that is starting to overtake me.

As I pace back and forth, Mark scoots to the edge of the couch and says, “I know you do.”

My gut roils with anxiety and rage. Raking my hand through my hair, I turn to Mark and tell him, “She begged me to not do anything, but I have to. Fuck!”

“You are doing something. You’re giving her what she needs from you.” He says this so calmly, but I feel myself starting to lose it.

“It’s not enough when that son of a bitch isn’t paying for this shit!” I spit out and take my car keys out of my pocket. “Fuck it!” I rush to the door, but Mark lurches over the back of the couch and is there before me. “Get the fuck outta my way, man.”

“You need to calm your shit down,” he says in an even, stern tone.

Reaching out to force him to move, he takes one quick step to the side, banding his arms around my sternum and pinning my arms to my sides.

“Get the fuck off me!” I bend my arms and try thrashing my elbows into him, but I can’t get any movement.

“Not until you calm down.”

Adrenaline is pumping through me, but his hold is too strong for me to break. “You didn’t fuckin’ see her, Mark! You didn’t see what that fucker did to her!”

“I saw enough, man! I get it.”

“He fuckin’ destroyed her!” This time, when I jerk my body, I break his hold on me.

When I get to the door, he yells, “You’re the only one she trusts!” His words stop me from turning the knob. “If you leave, you’ll fuck that up for her.”

Everything tunnels, and all I can see is
her
on the bottom of my shower. My heart is heavy, and it beats hard against my chest. I feel so goddamn worthless. I don’t move as I speak into the door, breathless. “She’s never going to do anything about this. She’s just gonna pretend it never happened, and he’s never pay for what he did.” I choke back a breath as tears fall down my face and then turn to look at him. “So tell me . . . what the hell do I do?” I beg and when he steps to me, I drop my head into the curve of his neck and break.