The Fading Trilogy: Fading, Freeing, Falling: Includes 2 BONUS short stories: Hoping and Finding Forever (89 page)

For years I’ve been trying to free myself of these fears, free myself from my tormenting thoughts, free myself from the walls that have kept me trapped in a hole of self-loathing. Since I met Mark, I’ve been fighting. Fighting to be free. But now I realize, it isn’t about fighting. It’s letting go of the fight to see that what I’ve been searching for is within him. Mark is my freeing.

Six Months Later…

“Did you get your cap and gown today?”

“Yeah. I went with Candace earlier,” I respond as I kick my feet up on the coffee table and lean back into the couch.

Sitting next to me, he asks, “How’s she doing?”

“She seems to be doing a little better. I think her finally seeing a therapist is helping the most.”

Nodding his head, he says, “You’re probably right.” He wraps his arms around me, and I rest my head on his shoulder. “So I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“What’s up?”

“My roommate is moving out after graduation, and I was thinking . . . maybe you would want to make it our place.”

Turning to look at him straight on, I clarify, “You mean move in?”

He nods and says, “Yeah.”

“Are you sure?” Mark and I spend most nights together anyway, but it’s the knowing. Knowing that he’s serious and in this as much as I am to want to live with me.

“You’re it for me, Jase. I want to be with you. Only you. And I want to make my home with you.”

I smile big. This past year with Mark has been nothing short of perfect. Even with the downs, they have been what has bonded us so tightly together. I’ve never been so connected with another person.

I lean over and kiss him, grazing my teeth along his lower lip and sliding my tongue along his as he fists the hair on the back of my head. I climb over him, lowering him on his back as we continue to kiss.

Everything is changing, but having this makes it more bearable. When Candace told me she accepted a job dancing in New York City, I couldn’t have been more happy for her, but inside, my stomach was in knots. It had been a long time since I cried, but when I went to Mark’s place to tell him, I lost it. I hate the thought of not having her with me. She’s been my heart for so many years. She still is, but now she shares it with Mark, and having him to lean on when I’m losing a big part of me, makes the change seem okay.

Dragging his lips off of mine, he insists, “Be with me. Tell me you’re mine and that this is it for you.”

Looking down at him, into those green eyes I have fallen so in love with, I give him my affirmation. “I’ve only ever been yours.” When he runs his hand around the back of my neck, I vow, “You’re it for me,” before lowering myself, pressing my lips softly against his, and I’m here—I’m home.

Struggling with your sexual identity? There is support out there.

The GLBT National Help Center provides several support programs along with

two national hotlines.

http://www.glbtnationalhelpcenter.org

GLBT National Hotline supports callers of all ages with concerns/questions about coming-out issues, relationship concerns, HIV/AIDS, anxiety, safer-sex information, and lots more.

Toll-free 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)

GLBY National Youth Hotline is comprised of volunteers that are in their teens and early twenties and speak with teens and young adults up to age 25 about coming-out issues, relationship concerns, parent issues, school problems, HIV/AIDS, anxiety, safer-sex information, and lots more.

Toll-free 1-800-246-PRIDE (1-800-246-7743)

Hotline Hours:Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time;Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time

 This book would have never been written if it weren’t for all of you who read Fading and fell in love with Jase. I never planned on writing Jase’s story, but when you, the fans, started emailing and asking for his, I knew I had to give it to you. Thank you so much for encouraging me to write this book.

This story hits deep in my heart and despite the few people who suggested that I not write a gay book, I stood up for what I have always believed in—human rights. I love that I have this platform to share the stories that lie within me and that I am surrounded by people who support me.

To my husband, you not only rallied behind me, but you gave up many nights to read and re-read my manuscript, offering critiques, plot altering ideas, and guidance with Jase’s story. You have proven to not only be my biggest driving force, but also one heck of a proofreader! You know my heart, and I am so blessed that you have my back. My ‘thank you’s’ will run forever deep for you.

Gina Smith, thank you for helping me conceptualize this story from the beginning elements of development. I will never forget a conversation that you and I had in the beginning stages of this book when you, in all seriousness, told me how proud you were of me for having the courage to write this book. I never told you how much your words affected me, but they did—immensely. You’re amazing and the time you put in, plotting, editing, encouraging, and everything else you do is more than what I deserve, but I’ll take it!

My wonderful editor, Lisa Christman, I love your honesty. But what I love most is that, from the get go, you know we will fight and that I will defend all my words to you, but you stand by me and together we not only work hard, but we laugh—a lot. I love you for arguing with me and guiding me to better writing. You are an amazing friend, and I just can’t thank you enough.

Rene and Ben Langston, you guys are truly amazing. Thank you Rene for assisting me again with the hospital scenes and making sure I’m accurate with what I am writing. And Ben . . . wow! You took the time to read and edit my manuscript, and you not only polished it up, but you made the tedious task of running line edits so much fun with your humorous notes. The excitement you both share with me encourages me, and I love that I have the support of you two.

I have an amazing team that lie in the shadows of my books but shine so brightly in my life—my betas. You all not only spend countless hours hacking through my writing and helping me produce books I’m so proud of, but you are out there promoting and supporting. You help me perfect all the minute details; you stay up into the late hours when I decide to add a scene when we are two weeks away from publishing; you do a whole new read-though when I add an entire new plot line after the book is already written and edited. I know I might drive you girls crazy, but you stand solid with me, and I love each and every one of you for that! Thank you Nicki, Jennifer, Jennie, Kristina, JL, Elizabeth, Nacole, JC, Jenn, Lisa, America, Ashley, and Tina.

Thank you to Andrei Vishnyakov for the beautiful cover photo—it’s stunning. Thank you Denise and Nicola for supporting my books, especially this one. Denise, all of your words mean so much to me. You two are nothing less that incredible. Thank you to all of the bloggers and reviewers who have picked up my books and took the time to read, review, and promote. Thank you to all of my friends and family, but most of all, to each and every one of you who open your hearts and minds to my stories. THANK YOU!

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BONUS MATERIAL

(Erin, Mark’s sister)

I watch my big brother as he plops his duffle bag down on the floor. He’s wearing the vintage Mudhoney shirt I got him for his birthday a couple years ago. I love that he still wears it, but it’s grown smaller on him since he’s been hitting the gym more often.

“I’m gonna miss you.”

He looks over and starts walking toward me. “I’ll be back in a few months for Thanksgiving break.”

I love my brother. We’re close; we’ve always been that way, but this summer we really grew tight. I was worried about him right around his high school graduation a couple months ago. He became distant from my twin sister, Emily and me. He isolated himself from everyone, and it wasn’t long after when I overheard him telling our parents that he was gay.

Sitting at the top of the stairs, I listened to him cry while he told them. I was shocked, but more than anything, I was sad. He’s always been my strong, big brother. The one I go to with all my problems, knowing he will help me fix them. He’s always been protective over me and my sister, so when I heard the pain coming out of him, it killed me. I could tell he was scared. I was too. Afraid my parents would reject him and make him feel worse. I was terrified I would lose him if they did. I wanted to run down there and give him a hug, give him what little strength I felt like I had in me.

He mentioned a few guys at school knew and had been tormenting him toward the end of the semester. I’m glad he graduated and no longer has to deal with their bullshit. But now he’s leaving me to go across the country to The University of Washington. My heart feels like it’s too big for my chest as the sadness swells in me. I’m losing a big part of myself, but he seems happy to be going, so I try and suck it up for his sake.

“Are you ready, sweetheart?” my mother asks as she walks into the living room where Mark and I stand.

“Yeah, I think so,” he tells her before reaching down to hold my hand.

I can’t even keep my sadness in. I try, but my quivering chin is my tell, and he sees it. He pulls me in, folding me up in his arms as I let the tears fall.

“Don’t cry. I promise I’ll call you as soon as my plane lands,” he assures me, but it isn’t enough to calm me.

“I want you to stay,” I choke out around my tears.

He pulls away and looks down at me, pretending to be unaffected, and says, “I know, but I can’t.”

He’s running. I can feel it. He would never admit to it, but I know he’s scared to stay here. This summer was rough on him when nearly all his friends turned their backs on him. Word spread fast that he was gay. I try and remind myself that leaving is probably the best thing for him, even though it hurts me.

I nod my head and sling my arms back around him.

“Where’s Emily?” my mom asks.

“She went over to a friend’s house,” Mark tells her. “We said our goodbyes earlier.”

“We should get going,” she says, and Mark loosens his hold on me.

“It’s gonna be weird not having you here,” I murmur.

“Just don’t take over my room with all of your crap. I’ll be back in a few months, and I want it untouched,” he jokes with me.

“Promise,” I say before he kisses my forehead.