The Fading Trilogy: Fading, Freeing, Falling: Includes 2 BONUS short stories: Hoping and Finding Forever (98 page)

Weaving through all the people, I see her turn and spot me. Her smile grows along with my irritation.

“Hey, you,” she says as she slides herself up next to me.

“What are you doing here, Gina?”

“Just wanted to see what you were up to,” she flirts as she runs her hand down my stomach, straight towards my pants.

I grab her wrist and stop her, snapping, “If I were up to anything that had to do with you, you would know about it. You being here is just desperate.” I suddenly feel like crap for my harsh words. But part of me, the big part of me that used to use people like I used her, pangs with regret.

She doesn’t respond, and I know I just humiliated her, so I let go of her wrist and say, “Look, I’m sorry. I’m a dick, I know. But I need you to leave,” before walking away and back to the bar.

“What the hell is up with you? That chick was all over your nuts,” Gavin says when I approach, knowing damn well who Gina is.

Ignoring him, I lean over the bar and holler, “Mel, I’ll be up in my office. I’ll come down later, okay?”

“Yeah, no problem, Ry,” she says as she’s mixing a drink.

Gavin catches my arm and questions, “Dude, seriously? What the hell is going on with you?”

Jerking out of his grip, I tell him, “Not in the mood.”

“You haven’t been for a couple weeks.”

“You wouldn’t get it, man,” I exhaust and then walk up to my office.

Shutting the door behind me, I flop down in the chair, and close my eyes.

“You’re the one that called 911, correct?”

“Where are they taking her?”

“You know her?”

“Is she gonna be okay?”

“Take your time. It’s important that we get a detailed account of everything that occurred. Everything you saw.”

My eyes pop open, wanting to escape the scene that keeps creeping in. The rouse of my stomach weighs heavy when realization hits. My actions, though acted out on a totally different scope, are the same as that fucker who raped that girl. We both used someone to satisfy some twisted piece of our self with completely selfish intent. I’ve used so many people just to numb the ache I feel.
Fuck.

I wonder how many girls I’ve hurt. I know of one for sure. She’s downstairs, and I just made it worse after throwing my words at her.
What’s wrong with me?

I’m restless. It doesn’t matter where I am, it follows me. But I need to move, so I head back down, not knowing what else to do with myself. Mel can see right through me, telling me to go home. I say a few quick words to Jase and then do as Mel says and go home.

It’s been almost two months since I last saw Gina when she came by the bar. It’s been longer than that since I’ve been with a girl. Ever since that night in the alley, my mind hasn’t been in the same place. The images have started to fade, but I just can’t continue to use people like I used to. When I think about going out to find a hook-up, all I think about is that fucker I let get away.

I never heard anything regarding my statement that the police collected, so I have to assume no charges were ever pressed or else I’m sure I would’ve been contacted by now. I’ve only ever mentioned that night to my mom and Max. I never told Gavin about what I saw. He’s still running his game and has been hanging out with a couple of his buddies more often, now that I’ve been lying low. It doesn’t bother me because I’ve been spending more time with Mark and Jase.

The two of them are pretty solid guys. Although they’re a few years younger and still in college, I feel like we’re on more of the same level than Gav and I are. We’ve been hanging out and hitting the gym on a pretty consistent basis. That, along with seeing them every Saturday night at the bar, we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well.

I ran into Gavin the other day, and he gave me some extra tickets to check out a band that Sub Pop is considering signing, so I invited Jase and Mark to meet me at The Crocodile where this band is going to be playing.

I throw on a black v-neck t-shirt, a pair of dark-wash jeans, and black boots. Running my fingers through my long hair that is due for a trim now that it’s hit my ears, I grab my keys and head out to my jeep. When I drive past, there is a huge crowd gathered where the legendary club is located. I park down the street and walk. Once inside, I make my way backstage where Gavin told me to meet him.

“Ryan, you made it,” he says when he spots me.

“I told you I would.”

“Just didn’t know if you were gonna bail.” He gives me a friendly clap on the shoulder and then introduces me to the band before we head out to the bar to get a drink.

Mark is already there waiting on the bartender to take his order when we approach.

“Hey, man,” I say to him. “When did you get here?”

“Just now. I ran into Mel’s husband a second ago.”

“Zane’s here?” I ask.

“Yeah. He’s around somewhere.”

“Mel here?”

“I don’t think so. Haven’t see her,” he responds.

“Mark, good to see ya,” Gavin says after he’s done putting in our drink order.

“You too. Thanks for the tickets.”

“Have you ever played here?” he asks Mark.

“Shit, I wish,” he laughs. “No, man. Before our gig at Ryan’s bar, we were just taking anything we could get.”

“I hear that a lot. Well, I gotta go meet a couple guys from work. I’ll see you all in a bit,” Gavin says as he grabs his beer and walks off.

I pick up the bottle that’s on the bar for me and take a long pull when I notice Jase isn’t around.

“Where’s Jase?”

“Got tied up with a friend. He’s not gonna make it,” he tells me.

“Tied up all night?”

He nods his head and explains, “Yeah. She’s going though some heavy stuff, so Jase is staying the night with her.” He takes a sip of his beer, and then adds, “He’ll be at the bar tomorrow though.”

We sit and talk for a while as we continue to drink. The place is packed tight with people, and when the band takes the stage, the music blasts through the place, and there’s no more talking.

When Zane finds us, he orders a round of Jack and Cokes, and it isn’t long before Mark orders his second. He isn’t paying attention when I hear a woman’s voice in my ear.

“Did you need anything?” she asks as she sets Mark’s drink down. She’s hot. Deep tan, long brown hair, tall, and wearing a short black skirt that raises the question of what’s underneath.

I shoot her a smile and nod my head for another Jack and Coke. She turns to make my drink, and maybe it’s the alcohol that’s already flowing through my veins, or maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t gotten laid in months, but lust takes over.

My indecent thoughts are interrupted when Mark stumbles into me, laughing uncontrollably. As soon as he opens his mouth to slur out his words, it’s clear he’s wasted.

“How many of these have you had?” I say as I point to his drink in hand.

“Check this shit out,” he nearly shouts as he shoves his phone in my hand, and before I get a full view of what that chick is doing with a glow stick, I shove it back to him, saying, “Dude, that’s fucked up.”

Mark can hardly catch his breath, he’s laughing so hard, and I’m getting a kick out of the show he’s giving me, so I sit back on my barstool and laugh right along with him. Mark is a cool guy, much more outgoing and funny than Jase is. Jase tends to be more on the serious, calm side.

“I bet you’d like to be that glow stick, huh?”

“That’s sick,” I cringe. “Plus, you’re the one that has that crap stored on your phone. Does Jase know that you get off on that?” I tease.

“You wanna see what I get off to?” he says as he starts scrolling through his phone.

“No. Love ya, man, but I don’t wanna see what you’re about to show me,” I say as he starts pushing his phone towards me.

“Oh, come on,” he taunts while I continue to laugh at him. “I know you think Jase is hot.”

“What?”

“He’s totally hot. Admit it! HOT!”

Holy shit this guy is far gone.

“I’m not saying a word,” I tell him.

“That’s a yes,” he says in a singsong voice followed by an evil smirk. He’s trying to get a rise out of me, and I find it pretty hilarious.

“It’s not a yes.”

“The dude is sexy as hell and you know it.”

He’s not gonna stop, so I just give him what he wants, and for the hell of it, I say, “Yeah, man. He’s hot.”

“I knew it!” he shouts through his laughter as I shake my head at all the attention he’s drawing to himself. He takes a moment and then, with a straight face, sets his phone on the bar next to me and says, “Here, you enjoy glow stick girl. I gotta take a piss,” before stumbling off.

I turn around in my seat and don’t touch the phone. The girl behind the bar looks over at me and gives me a small grin. When she walks over, she looks at my glass and asks, “More?”

“I’m good.”

“Your friend’s pretty funny.”

“My friend is pretty drunk,” I tell her, and when she rests her forearms on the bar top and leans forward, she asks, “And what about you?”

“I’m in total control,” I say in a low voice, and when I do, I get the look I was hoping for.

“We’ll see about that,” she says as she pulls back and walks away to continue helping customers.

I sit there for a while and nurse my drink. When I realize how much time has passed and Mark hasn’t returned, I grab his phone to go look for him. I spot him towards the back of the club, talking with Gavin. When I step up to them, I hand Mark his phone and tell Gavin, “Call this guy a cab, will ya?”

“Yeah, man,” he responds. “You heading out?”

“Not yet,” I say, heading back towards the bar, but before I can get there, I run into the bartender as she’s about to turn down a hall that looks like it leads to an office.

“You leaving?” she asks.

Wanting to know if this is worth wasting my time, I cut to the chase. “Not if you don’t want me to.”

An all-too-transparent grin spreads across her face before she says, “Come here.”

She takes my hand and starts leading me down the hall. Opening a door to a small closet, she pulls me in and shuts the door. I can’t see shit; it’s so dark, and the smells of bleach and booze fill the room.

Her body presses up against mine, and I begin running my hands up underneath her top, grabbing her tits. She starts kissing my neck while fumbling with my pants, and the heat takes over. We begin moving at a frantic pace. I yank her top up and pull her bra down as she shoves her hand down my pants, fisting me tightly.

I throw my head back and hear the
thunk
as it hits the wall.

“Are you okay?”

“Is she gonna be okay?”

Suddenly, I’m back in the alley as my words play back in my head. This chick is all over me, but in an instant, my mind is somewhere else completely. Somewhere it hasn’t been in a long time. I try to shake it off, but it’s so dark in here that my eyes have nothing to focus on.

“God, please! Stop!”

“Stop.”

“What’s wrong?” she pants.

“Stop,” I repeat and move her away from me. Buttoning up my pants, I know I can’t do this. I know that she isn’t, but all that floods my head is that this girl could be
that
girl. And what the hell am I doing with her anyway? Using her for a quick fuck to satisfy some sick need I have that I can’t seem to get rid of?
Fuck.

“Did I do something?” she questions, and the last thing I wanna do is make her feel like shit.

“Pull your shirt down,” I tell her before opening the door. When I do, I look at her and say, “You didn’t do anything. I’m just . . . I just can’t do this. Sorry.” I turn to walk out and back into the club. I don’t even look for the guys; I just head straight out the door and continue to my jeep, to head home and jerk off.

I sit in my office at the bar, drinking beer and not getting much work done at all. Last night was messed up, and I know I can’t be doing that shit again. I need something else to focus on, so I spent the morning clearing the images off of my camera and loading them onto my computer to start editing and enhancing. I figure I can work on those to suck up all the free time I seem to have on my hands at night now.

When the door to my office opens, Jase walks in.