The Fire Walker (19 page)

I don't know what stopped me from walking in there. Fear that he'd judge me for my past mistakes? Fear of rejection? If he actually said it, that he didn't want me, then it would really be forever. I would never get to talk to him, or even touch him again. He would just disappear and life would go on. There was no moving on from Dee Cosgrove… not for me.

The familiar feeling of desperation was simmering to the surface and even I didn't know what I was going to do.

Tomorrow we'd be back in New York and he would leave forever. I couldn't let that happen. I wouldn't.

Turning on the shower, I pressed my forehead against the glass, waiting for the water to warm up. There was this cyclone of emotions rolling around my heart and I didn't know how to stop them. It was exactly like that movie
Twister
, except there was no cow flying past the window. I just had to hold on and ride it out.

Ducking underneath the spray of water, I leaned a cheek against the tiles and let the warmth soothe out the kinks in my neck and my heart. Or whichever way you wanted to look at it.

At first I didn't realize I wasn't alone, but when the shower screen slid open, my breath caught in the back of my throat. I was too tired to say anything. Too tired of this stupid game.

Jessie pressed the length of her body into my back, lips against the curve of my shoulder. Grateful she couldn't see my face, I bit my lower lip to stifle a moan that had been boiling up inside me. I wanted her. After everything, I still wanted her.

She slid her hands over my hips, the contact searing through me. Shit. Fuck. Ass. Why did she have to have this effect on me? It was hard enough to keep myself under control, to keep this dangerous thing from destroying us both, and she had to come in here and push it.

As her hands trailed towards the one place I wanted her to touch, I stifled another moan leaning my face harder against the tiles. Her breasts were pressed into my back and it was all I could do not to turn around and just take her.

"Don't," I groaned as she was about to take me in her hands.

"Why not?" Her lips were soft against the curve of my shoulder. Did she get a kick out of torturing me? Was that what this was?

I pulled her hands away and dragged her around to face me. This time, her back was against the tiles and I was the one in control. "If I fuck you now," I said, my eyes drilling into hers, "it won't mean anything."

"I don't care."

I felt my entire body stiffen as her words sliced through me. No, she didn't, did she?

"I don't care," she said again. "Fuck me how you want, but I can't let you go."

Turning off the shower, I stepped out, pulling a towel around my waist. I heard a muffled whimper behind me as Jessie followed and I watched in the mirror as she dried herself off, a look of absolute defeat on her face. I hardened even more at the sight of her naked body and I squeezed my eyes shut.

"I had to try something," she said and I clenched my jaw.

That's the thing about tentative grips. They're tentative until something comes along and breaks them.

Before I understood what I was doing, I turned and pushed her back against the wall, the towel dropping away. Her lips parted as she gasped, but her eyes never left mine.

"Is this what you want?" I asked, pressing my erection into her stomach.

"Yes."

I tugged her towel away, flinging it across the room and before I could take her breasts in my hands, her fingernails sunk into the skin of my ass and she moved against me. Sucking in a sharp breath of air between my teeth, I grabbed her around the waist and turned her around, bending her over the countertop. She couldn't touch me, but I could touch her wherever I wanted.

"You used me, led me on. You walked out on me after..." I almost choked, but I didn't want to give her the satisfaction. Letting my fingers curl into her wet hair, I tugged her head back. "You destroyed me. I'm nothing to you. You made me question everything. I don't know who I hate more. Me or you."

I felt her entire body stiffen beneath me and I should have felt bad, I probably would when I had time to cool down, but right now this shit needed to be said. It had to come out before it chewed me up and spat me out.

Sliding between her ass cheeks, she let out a long moan, quaking against me. "Do you want this?" I asked again. "I won't take it back."

"If this is what it takes, then I'll do it," she said, her voice muffled by her position. "I'll do anything to show you how I feel. I need you to fuck me so you can see what you do to me. If it's a punishment, then I'll take it. Gladly."

My fingers curled tighter in her hair as I pressed her harder into the bench, wrestling with what my body wanted and what my head was telling me.

"Do it," she hissed, rubbing her ass against me.

Fumbling for my bag, I pulled out a condom and before I could even begin to think clearly, I slid inside her with a hard thrust, skin slapping against skin. A delicious moan came from under me, bringing back memories of that night back in LA. This felt just as intense, but it was sharpened with something else I didn't want to acknowledge. Anger. Hurt. Betrayal. And it didn't mean a fucking thing.

Not stopping to let her become accustomed to the feel of me inside her, I pulled back and thrusted again and again, chasing nothing but my own release. I didn't care if she finished. I didn't care about pleasing her. She wanted this and I was taking it.

She went to move her hands beneath, to rub her clit, but I grabbed her wrists and pinned them behind her back, not even slowing. Each time we came together something was drawn out of me. Who the fuck knew, right? This was just dirty, disgusting revenge sex.

She began to tighten around me as her orgasm smashed into her, but I didn't care. I kept thrusting, wanting to come and come until my brain exploded. Pleasure, pain... revenge. I came hard, my mind foggy and overwhelmed. My hands fell onto the bench either side of her as my entire body quaked in the aftermath of my release. As I started to come back to myself, I pulled out sharply and an exhausted whimper escaped Jessie's lips.

It was raw, powerful, intense... seismic. And so fucking wrong on so many levels.

Dumping the condom in the bin, I stormed out into the room, scrambling to put some clothes on. Underwear, jeans, dragging a t-shirt over my head.

"Dee?"

She was fucking crying.

I yanked my boots on and bolted for the door, my fingers curling around the car keys.

"Don't run away," she pleaded.

I didn't look up as I slammed the door behind me and stormed out into the night.

Standing out in the middle of the dark lot, I drew in a shaky breath. Endless stars shone overhead, lights of passing semi-trailers flying down the highway in the distance. Fucking disgusted with myself was what I was. I'd never done something so vindictive in my entire life.

The door didn't open behind me and I was glad. I couldn't face her after that.

Unlocking the car, I slid into the passenger seat and fumbled for the lever to tilt it back. I'd left my jacket in here earlier and I tugged it over myself. There was no way in hell I was going back in there tonight or ever. Tomorrow, I'd drive her home and that would finally be the end of it.

But, even as I made the decision, I knew that it would never be over. She was ingrained into every sense I had like a stain you just couldn't get out. Even after she'd walked out on me, I was still in that place. The one where I'd fallen for Jessie Ware and I hated myself for it. But, that was my problem. I just dove in headfirst and damn the consequences. Now, I was paying for it.

And for the first time since this thing had started, I Iet myself cry.

Jerking awake, I realized someone had been knocking on the glass by my head. Rubbing the condensation away, I knew it was Jessie.

The steely grey morning light haloed around her tiny frame, her arms wrapped tight around herself. She looked tired, like she hadn't slept at all. That made two of us.

Unlocking the door, I climbed out and stretched. "We're going," I said, avoiding her eyes. "Get your stuff."

I went back into the room and collected my things and dumped it all in the back of the car, not waiting for her to say anything. When I came back from dropping the key into the motel reception, she was getting into the passenger side.

She was wearing her big sunglasses that covered her eyes, but her hair was messy and pulled back haphazardly and her body was angled away towards the window. I turned the key in the ignition, not looking forward to the next six or so hours I'd be alone with her after last night. The whole situation had imploded in the most dramatic fashion and now it was irreparable. I didn't want to acknowledge what I'd done, even though I could still feel her around me. My skin still reeked of dirty fucking revenge sex.

Grinding my teeth, I pulled out onto the highway, merging with the early morning traffic. We'd get to New York by dinnertime, then this whole mess would be done. Over. Kaput.

Couldn't fucking wait.

I sat in the car next to Dee, my eyes firmly locked on the passing countryside out my window.

The air was so thick it felt hard to breathe. I could still feel where he'd been. There was a dull ache between my legs and focusing on it made me squirm in my seat. I'd relished the feel of him inside me, but it was just a punishment to him. It wasn't that connection I wanted. Desperation had driven me to do something incredibly stupid yet again.

He'd said I'd destroyed him.

Nothing I could have done would have prepared me for those words. How can you fix the smashed heart of the man you loved? I'd been trying for days now and maybe that was the problem. I didn't have weeks or months to make it right. I had hours.

Hate. Destruction. He thought I'd used him. He lost who he was because of me. He thought he meant nothing to me. He was everything. My everything.

I felt a tear sliding down my cheek and I brushed it away angrily. I'd forever be doing the wrong thing, even though I thought it was right at the time. Maybe I was one of those people who were born whole. You know, the screwed up notion of soul mates? That you're born in half and spend your life searching for the piece that fits. Some people settle for an ill match in hope that it works, the lucky ones find their perfect fit and the left overs were already whole in the first place.

Maybe I was whole. That's what the universe was trying to tell me every time I tried to find my perfect half and hurting them was a sign that it wasn't meant for me.

I kept hurting Dee despite my best intentions and it broke my heart.

I wanted to love him so much, but it wasn't enough unless he loved me back. Even after everything, I couldn't imagine living life without Dee Cosgrove. Any future was bleak without him in it.