The Fire's Center (26 page)

I’m just lonely, that’s all. She’s a governess for Heaven’s sake. Don’t simply take advantage of her presence in the house to satisfy your own needs,
he lectured himself sternly.

Perhaps it was about time he seriously considered taking a wife, he speculated, and ran through a list of married couples of his acquaintance.

 
While he had to admit they didn’t always seem particularly happy, and he knew many of the men boasted of their exploits in the brothels over the port and cigars at the club, he would never find a wife if he didn’t start looking.

Resolving that the ball might be as good a chance as any to find someone suitable, he blew out his lamp and stared at the ceiling for hours until sleep finally claimed him.

For Riona’s own part, she had to admit to herself that she had never met anyone like Lucien. He was so exciting to be with and so tender one minute, so masculine the next. Open and smiling one second, closed off and grim in an instant.

Not that Riona blamed Lucien for being disturbed by the events at the clinic. She just wished Lucien wouldn’t try to pretend he didn’t care.

He seemed to squash his feelings flat, she noticed, recalling Lucien’s barely suppressed anger when he had seen Dr. O’Carroll and her in the office that afternoon. She couldn’t be sure how much he had heard or seen, but he certainly hadn’t mentioned it to her. He just kept casting her odd looks when he thought she wouldn’t notice.

Riona decided the only way to overcome this barrier was to simply be open and honest with her feelings. Perhaps if she were affectionate, Lucien might come out of his shell.

She was aware enough of the feelings between a man and woman to know there was an obvious attraction between them. It had been present from the moment they had met. But as much as she wanted to act upon it, she knew she never wanted to risk losing Lucien’s friendship.

 
At the same time, in the past few days, Lucien always seemed so unhappy and moody. Riona knew he didn’t go out on the town at night-he had stayed in every evening since she had arrived, and seemed to be very aloof with all women.

If he trusted her enough to be open with her, she shouldn’t do anything to spoil that. It was a fine line to tread between intimacy as friends and something more, especially between a man and woman of their respective classes.

Riona decided the medical lessons would be the best way to keep Lucien as a friend, and make him more approachable as a man.

With that in mind, she concentrated on her medical books long past her bedtime. She was determined to make him see that they might have a future with each other, if only she could be worthy of him in every way.

Riona awoke the next morning heavy-headed just as she heard the clock strike six. She pulled herself out of bed, and noticed it was extremely warm even though the fire had not yet been lit.

She opened the shutters, and blazing sunshine flooded into the bedroom, bathing her in its golden glow.

Riona sat in her nightdress for a time, basking in the sunshine on her bed, as she brushed her thick auburn hair, and then put it up into a high bun on the top of her head. She selected a lacy chemise, and then put on her black skirt and a cream blouse, before laying out her flowered calico dress for dinner later in the day.

She grabbed a red and black checked shawl, and then trotted down the stairs to the study to go over the muscles in the body, and then moved onto the human body’s circulation system.

Lucien was remarkably silent when he came into the study at about nine. Riona tried to make small talk with him over breakfast, reading aloud some interesting items in the paper in an attempt to try to cheer him up.

When Lucien eventually began to thaw slightly under her cheerful onslaught, Riona asked him to test her on the muscles, and then began to put herself through her paces on the circulation system

"My, Riona, you have been working hard." Lucien smiled, very pleased with his apt pupil. "You might be ready for the college after all, in another week or two."

Riona beamed at his praise, and served him more coffee and toast without being asked.

I’m happy,
she thought suddenly.

The thought was so frightening that it hit her with the force of a bucket of cold water being doused over her. She had suffered for so long, and now, thanks to Lucien, she was starting to blossom and develop in a way she had never imagined possible.

And of course there was Lucien as well. He had made all this happen. She was sure she knew the difference between gratitude and love. Whilst she knew she had much to be grateful for, she also longed for the hugs and kisses they had already shared to be repeated.

"What is it? Not getting scared at the thought of the cadavers, are you?" Lucien teased when he saw her lean her hand against her cheek on the table in a rather pensive way.

"No, no, I just remembered something downstairs in the kitchen," she lied, and ran out of the room to be alone with her tumultuous thoughts.
Oh Lord, she was not only faling in love, with Lucien, she was completely smitten!

Riona did head downstairs to consult with Mrs. Kinsella as to the ducks she had ordered for dinner, and was so informed of her progress on her herbs, but all the while Riona operated mechanically.

"My God, I’m falling in love with Lucien. How impossible," she reflected miserably.

He was a man with everything she had ever dreamt of in a husband, but he was so far above her, he might as well have come from a different planet.

"Is everything all right?" she heard Lucien ask her about a half an hour later as she sat struggling to grasp her medical book to take her mind off things."

 
"Yes of course, you have a very well-trained staff. Supper should be splendid," she chirped brightly as she shrugged into her shawl.

"If you don’t mind, I’d like to go to church first and then meet you at the clinic, Dr. Woulfe. That is, so long as you don’t need me here."

Lucien was surprised at the request, but said nothing against the idea.

"That'll be fine, but surely you aren’t going now, are you?" he asked, knitting his brows.

"Why, did you have a chore for me?" Riona asked nervously.

"No, but you should at least wait until I order the carriage around."

Riona, already painfully conscious of the absurdity of her situation, now grew angry at the injustice of it all, and took it out on Lucien.

"Don’t be silly, Dr. Woulfe, servants don’t go to church in carriages. At any rate, I'm a Catholic, remember? You wouldn’t want your conveyance being seen near a papist establishment, now would you?" she hissed, and stalked out of the room, and right out of the house into the bright spring air, trying to drag some breath into her aching chest.

Lucien stood there with his mouth opened, stunned at her anger. What on earth had triggered it?

But she was right, of course. There was a gulf between them which he had only just been reminding himself of the night before. As she had observed, it was one thing to go with him when he had occasion to escort her, another thing entirely to have her come and go in his carriage as if she were an equal.

Riona hurried to the church and threw herself down on her knees in the pew. She felt the worst sense of turmoil ever in her young life, for she could feel temptation tugging at her skirts.

Riona knew she had allowed herself to be blinded to her own sad reality by the wonderful lunches and dinners, the social successes of the parties and teas she had attended.

But it isn’t real,
she reflected miserably.
I’m a fraud, a mere governess.
We even had to lie to Lucien’s sister in law to make her accept me. Dr. O’Carroll, coming from his high and mighty family, thinks I’m little better than a whore. As for the costume ball, well, I can dress up and play a fairy princess, but in the cold light of dawn, I’m still a secretary, still a governess."

But something could at least be learnt from her ridiculous mistakes, Riona reflected, as she thought of how much knowledge of the human body and medicine she had gained already at Lucien’s side.

If nothing else, she could continue to glean as much as possible from the books she had at her disposal, with a view to helping others in the future. One day she would have to go back to her family in Donegal, but she could help the poor and sick, try to prevent disease just as she and Lucien had so optimistically discussed on their magical trip to Dublin.

She prayed then for the souls of all those whom she had lost, recalling with a pang how terribly her mother and sister and brother had died.

As Riona knelt in the chapel with her face buried in her hands, she vowed then and there that nothing would distract her from her newfound path. When she crossed herself she felt a great sense of relief, and at last was able to pay attention to the service.

Once mass was over, Riona went to the clinic in a much more composed frame of mind. She penned a quick note to her family to assure them that all was well, and then looked over each patient’s case history, to learn more about symptoms, diagnosis and treatment.

Lucien said nothing about her odd behaviour as he moved from bed to bed, but was pleased Riona was taking such an interest in the patients. In fact, he practically had to push her out the door at four to go home and get ready for their guests.

"Go on, Riona, they’ll be there soon enough, and you need your bath. I’ll try to be home as soon as I can, but as you can see, this place is beginning to fill up. I guess they are starting to trust us now, so I’ll be busy with our first admissions for a while. But I'm sure you'll be able to hold your own with them." He smiled encouragingly, his golden eyes glowing down at her.

"I wouldn’t want to take you away from your patents," Riona said sincerely. "Mr. and Mrs. Sturgess are lovely, and I'm sure Mrs. Allen will be perfectly charming once I get to know her a bit better. I’ll be fine. There’s no need to hurry home on my account."

"Take the carriage home so you don’t have to hurry so much, and that's an order, Miss Connolly.

"But really, Dr. Woulfe, I can walk...."

"We had a falling out this morning about this, and I can see we will have to have a little chat later on. But in the meantime, my dear girl, will you do me two favours?"

"If I can."