The First Three Rules (16 page)

Panic brushed against his spine.

What are you doing, Jon?

He didn’t know.

Do you actually think you’ve found a purpose?

He didn’t know that either.

Well you haven’t. You’re just lying to yourself. You’re lying to yourself and delaying the inevitable. Give it up, Jon. Just give it all up.

Fuck.

Jon pinched the bridge of his nose. He was not going to start bawling like some fucking infant.

“You okay?” The bed dipped and Ellis’s hip pressed against Jon’s.

“Fine. Just…” He clenched his fist. “Memories, you know? They have the worst timing.” He choked on a laugh.

“I can’t say I know what you mean. The worst thing in my life was losing my parents.”

“That’s pretty bad.”

“Maybe. But it was a long time ago.” He touched Jon’s hand. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.” Jon blinked back the burning in his eyes. “I promise. It’s just…oh hell. Fuck if I know.” This time when he laughed it was real. “Go play your card game with Rudy. I’ll be back down in a minute.”

“We’re done. He wins all the time anyhow.”

Jon rubbed his chest. It almost hurt to breathe.

Ellis feathered a touch from Jon’s cheek into the thick locks of his hair. The turbulent thoughts infecting Jon quieted till the only sound was Ellis breathing.

Slight pressure from his fingers told Jon which way to tilt his head and how far to lean forward. Close enough that all Jon saw was the blue gray of Ellis’s eyes. He inhaled Ellis’s sweet earthy scent. Jon wanted to taste him, his mouth, his skin, his cock.

But this was Ellis’s moment and Jon would not take it away.

“I’m not going to be very good at this,” Ellis said.

God, his lips were softer than Jon remembered. He opened to Ellis and the slick warmth of his tongue pulled a moan from Jon’s chest.

It took everything Jon had not to grab Ellis and take control.

He wanted more, he wanted everything.

And Ellis could give it to him. Ellis could feed Jon’s hunger for life and give him a reason to exist. He could sooth the pangs in Jon’s heart, left by guilt.

When Ellis touched Jon, he was safe from the sickness inside his head that called him into the nothingness.

With Ellis, Jon could heal.

Ellis rested his forehead against Jon’s and he stroked Ellis’s jaw with his thumb. The pupils of Ellis’s eyes expanded until there was nothing left but a thin ring of blue-gray. “You told me you would be anything I want.”

“I did.”

“What if I want something you didn’t want to be?”

“Impossible.” He traced the bow of Ellis’s mouth with his finger. “What do you want me to be, Ellis? What do you need me to be?”

Ellis closed his eyes and inhaled one long breath. “I—”

A metallic crash from the kitchen made them both jump. From somewhere at the bottom of the stairs Rudy said, “I didn’t touch it.”

Ellis picked up the pajama top out of the drawer. Should he get dressed? Not get dressed? Would Jon rather he just wear underwear? Or nothing at all?

Why was this so hard? He’d counted minutes to this moment in increments of snacks, meals, and games of Go Fish. In between, he slept on the couch. Sometimes, because he really was tired. Others, because it made it easier to pass the time.

Awake, all he did was stare at Jon.

Throughout the day, Ellis worked scenarios through his head. He wasn’t able to piece everything together, but at least he’d gotten past the damn pajama selection. Guys wore pajamas for this kind of thing, didn’t they? Women wore lingerie. Did they make lingerie for men? If they did, Gilford sure as hell never sold any.

The city might.

Why the hell was he thinking about lingerie?

He picked up the green top and matching striped bottom. Maybe he should wear the red ones.

No, maybe he should stop being such a girl.

He winced.

Jon leaned in the doorway, hand on each side. The position flexed his arms and tested the elasticity of the T-shirt he wore. He wasn’t big. Not body builder big or wrestler big. But he definitely took care of himself.

Ellis stuffed the pajamas back in the drawer. Jon’s mouth quirked like he knew exactly what Ellis was thinking. Did he? Ellis shut the drawer just to have something to do. When he looked up, Jon stood beside him.

“I…um.” Ellis glanced back at the dresser. “The pajamas…and…”

Jon ran his hand from Ellis’s shoulder to his neck. Along the way, he massaged small circles, making Ellis melt. Jon leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Ellis’s forehead.

Ellis sighed, crossed his arms, and then uncrossed them.

“I told you there was no rush.”

“I know…but…”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Tell me.”

“It’s stupid.”

Jon put a finger under Ellis’s chin and lifted his head.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid if I don’t do this, you’ll leave. I know you won’t stay forever but I just need this a little while longer.
“It’s nothing, I promise. I have a lot on my mind, that’s all.”

“All right. If you change your mind and want to talk, I’m here.”

Ellis twisted up the end of his shirt. “Okay.”

“I’m going to go take a shower.” Jon nodded at the bed. “Go ahead and go to bed. You look exhausted.”

But every nerve in Ellis’s body hummed.

Jon kissed him again before picking up his duffle bag and carrying it into the bathroom.

Ellis undressed and took the pajamas out of the drawer. What about underwear? Should he wear it? He opened another drawer, closed it. Opened it again. Every pair was all white and the same brand he’d worn as a kid. No boxers, no boxer briefs. It never occurred to him someone besides a doctor might see him naked.

All his clothes were boring. He was boring.

What did Jon see in him?

Ellis touched his chest. He wasn’t muscled like Jon, who had the body of someone who used it. Ellis had the body of someone who kept a house, took care of his brother, and occasionally walked to the park. An average Joe. No one special.

For the longest time, Ellis stood there. In the bathroom, water sloshed in the sink and was followed by two sharp taps and then silence. Then the sequence started all over again adding a beat to the ritual of shaving. After a while, there was the pop and gurgle of water draining down the sink.

Ellis picked up a pair of underwear. He was willing to bet Jon never wore briefs. He probably went commando everywhere. The memory of Jon’s nude body flooded Ellis’s mind. The way he smelled, the smoothness of his skin under Ellis’s fingertips. His scorching mouth on Ellis’s cock. Then there was the way Jon watched him while on his knees.

In that moment, Ellis hadn’t felt very ordinary.

The shower kicked on.

Ellis dropped the underwear back into the drawer and walked into the hall. Goose pimples ran down his arms and back. The closer he got to the bathroom the faster his heart beat and the harder it was to breathe.

He opened the door just enough to slip inside.

Steam crawled over the top of the shower stall. Inside, Jon worked the soap in his hair.

Shivers spread through Ellis until every muscle jumped. He willed himself to keep going. If he did this, there would be no turning back. Ellis dropped his towel and slid open the stall door. Jon startled and wiped the soap from his eyes.

Ellis closed the door behind him. He counted the grooves in the tile, studied the slope of the spigot, and followed the line of gold fish decals all the way to Jon’s feet. A scar on the right one cut a pale line across the top. Ellis stepped closer.

Lines of soap bubbles ran down Jon’s legs. Dark hairs thickened from his shins to his hips, becoming a dense bed at the junction of his thighs where Jon’s cock hung thick and heavy.

The planes of Jon’s stomach were smooth, except for a thin trail of hair running over his navel and then between his pecs. Ellis followed the lines of thinning soap with his fingers all the way from Jon’s right nipple to his cock. It thickened as Ellis traced the dark vein running up the length of flesh. Ellis gripped Jon’s cock and squeezed just enough to dimple the flesh. It swelled into a rigid steel bar covered in velvet.

What would Jon want him to do? What would he like?

Jon lifted a hand, but stopped a few inches away from Ellis’s shoulder. Thick at the wrist and knuckles, with calloused fingers and rough palms, even Jon’s hands looked strong.

“Please touch me,” Ellis said.

Water beaded in Jon’s short cropped hair and ran in droplets off the tip of his nose. He buried his fingers in Ellis’s hair and pressed their lips together.

Jon begged for entry with small tentative pushes of his tongue.

Their teeth scraped together when Ellis turned his head at the wrong moment. He almost pulled away, but the rumble in Jon’s chest gave him courage.

Ellis let Jon plunder him until they were both breathless.

“You don’t have to do this.” The thick needful tone of Jon’s voice flowed down Ellis’s spine.

“I want to.”

“Why?”

Ellis laid his head on Jon’s shoulder. After a moment he said, “I don’t really know.” Jon’s exhale against Ellis’s skin was warmer than the water.

“There’s no shame in waiting.”

Ellis laughed. “I’m thirty-one years old. I think I’ve waited long enough.”

“What if I’m not the right person?” Jon pressed his cheek against Ellis’s. “What if you regret it tomorrow?”

“I won’t.”

“How do you know?”

“Because, more than anything, I want to experience life. I want to know something besides the inside of this house. I need this, Jon. I need a memory that will get me through the rest of my life.”

Something to keep Ellis sane, somewhere to go when his patience was at its end. He wanted what the rest of the world had. “Please don’t tell me no.” He pressed himself against Jon, and water pooled along the crease where their bodies touched.

“Promise me,” Jon said.

“What?”

“If at any moment, for any reason, you want to stop, you’ll tell me. Never be afraid that I won’t.”

“I will.”

Jon spread his strong hands across Ellis’s back and kneaded the muscles between his shoulders.

The dark look Jon gave Ellis made him drop his gaze. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.”

He pulled Ellis’s chin. “What do you want to do?”

Ellis touched the place just under Jon’s ear and he leaned his head to the side. Ellis pressed a kiss to the tender patch of flesh. When he sucked, a shudder ran down Jon’s body. “Feels good.” Ellis made his way to Jon’s other ear. “Feels really good.”

“What else?”

“You decide.”

Ellis slid his hands down Jon’s chest, cutting a path through the wet hairs clinging to his skin, to his nipples. There, Ellis followed the ring of darker flesh before pinching the small bud in the center between his thumb and finger.

“I like that.” Jon gripped Ellis’s ass.

Ellis did it again.

“I really like that.” He growled and Ellis’s cock hardened against Jon’s thigh.

Ellis followed the lines of muscle on Jon’s body back up to his shoulders, then down his arms all the way to his calloused fingers, alternating between touching and caressing his flesh with the softest kiss. From Jon’s hands, Ellis moved to Jon’s hips, exploring the dips of his torso.

Everything about him was perfect. Every mole, ever scar, all of the ordinary details that worked together to enhance Jon’s beauty.

Could a man be beautiful?

If so, Jon defined it.

“What are you thinking about?” Jon licked Ellis’s lips. “Talk to me.”

Ellis opened to Jon and he took the invitation.

With their mouths pressed together, Ellis didn’t have to answer Jon’s question, he wouldn’t have to ask Jon what he saw in him, or why he wanted to be here.

What if he was just a conquest? Another notch in Jon’s belt? The possibility was real, but Ellis wasn’t willing to give up the moment. As long as Jon didn’t say otherwise, Ellis could lie to himself that Jon was here because he cared for him, was attracted to him, and desired him.

Jon broke the kiss and Ellis was held by his starving eyes. “Touch me, Ellis.”

“Where?”

“Remember what I told you.”

Ellis was in control. He nodded.

Lines of water led the way to Jon’s cock. Ellis followed the flow with his fingers to the triangle shaped patch of hair and the thick root of velvet covered flesh. He traced the vein running up the length to the flared head. A tear formed at the slit and was swept away by the water.

Ellis started to kneel and Jon’s grip tightened for a moment. Then he opened his hands and Ellis went to his knees.

At eye level, Jon’s cock was more intimidating.

Jon slipped his fingers into Ellis’s hair, cradling his head. He wanted to do this, but he also wanted to do this right. And Ellis was so scared of messing everything up.

Another tear formed at the slit of Jon’s cock. Before the water could wash it away Ellis caught it on his tongue. Then he sucked the tip drawing out more rich precum.

Jon hissed.

Ellis took Jon deeper, forcing his jaw wider, making it ache. How far could he go? When Jon had done this, Ellis had hit the back of Jon’s throat. Ellis didn’t even reach the back of his tongue before he gagged and had to pull back.

“Don’t force yourself,” Jon said.

That’s exactly what Ellis planned on doing. He was not going to give up, no matter how many times he gagged. Ellis tried again. This time the weight on his tongue didn’t catch him off guard. He went as far as he could then back to the tip. Ellis tried to coax out more of Jon’s flavor by lapping at the end and pressing his tongue against the slit. Jon’s hands tightened in his hair, so Ellis did it again.

Each time he took Jon deep, his touch would follow and his grip would become more intense. When Ellis pulled back to the end of Jon’s cock, he kneaded Ellis’s scalp, as if begging for him to go again.

A tremor ran down Jon’s legs and the groan he made vibrated the air.

The cut on Ellis’s lip burned, the bruise on his face throbbed, his knees ached, and a crick in his neck spread to his shoulders. He ignored the pain, determined to make Jon come, but it seemed the harder he tried to make it happen the more Jon strained.