The First Three Rules (15 page)

“Will you ever get better?”

“That’s not something you cure.” He took another sip. “I’m sorry. I should have told you, but you barely knew me. Hell, you barely know me now. Telling someone you’re a crackpot isn’t the greatest icebreaker. It didn’t help that I’ve been thinking with my dick.”

“Don’t say that.”

“What? That I’ve been thinking with my dick?”

“No. The other. Don’t call yourself a crackpot.”

“I am.”

“No, you have an illness. When you call yourself names you make it sound like you’re worth less than other people and you’re not.”

“I’m not exactly worth much either.”

“Yes, you are.” Ellis faced him. “You say I don’t know you and that’s true, but what I do know says a lot about who you are. You’re a good person and the nicest person I’ve met in a long time. You’ve helped me and you didn’t have to. You’ve even helped me take care of Rudy.”

Jon went back to turning his cup around.

Rudy walked into the dining room, rubbing his eyes. He’d missed half the buttons on his pajamas and his hair stood up on end.

He saw Jon and grinned. “Hi Jon. You stayed here last night. Now you’re here this morning.”

He sat down at the table and spooned up a big bite of oatmeal. Ellis caught his wrist.

“Small bites.”

Rudy nodded and dumped the spoon. He ate while watching Jon and Ellis with wide eyes.

Ellis caught Jon watching Rudy and smiling. Then he met Ellis’s gaze and Ellis smiled too.

Jon nodded at Rudy. “You should bottle that and make yourself rich.”

“I’m afraid people might OD,” Ellis said.

“Not sure if you can OD on happiness. I mean, Rudy seems to do fine.”

He did do fine and when Rudy was sad he recovered quickly. It seemed only a few bad memories lingered in his simple mind.

Ellis pulled his plate back. The food was cold, but he ate it.

Jon’s smile widened, taking away a decade. It couldn’t erase the flecks of gray in his hair, but it did a damn good job of smoothing out the sadness in his eyes.

There had been one other moment when the darkness slid away, when Jon kissed him.

What kind of peace would it have given Jon if Ellis hadn’t panicked? He wanted to try again and he didn’t want to wait.

He wondered if he could shore up the courage to make the first move. In his mind, Ellis did and he was never afraid.

Jon emptied his cup. “Do you think you would be all right while I make a trip back to the house?”

The eggs Ellis swallowed landed in his stomach like lead. He knew this time would come, he just hadn’t expected it so soon.

“I don’t mind.” Liar. He set his fork on the table and tucked his hands in his lap so Jon wouldn’t see them shake.

“I figured I’d grab a few changes of clothes and some sweat pants before I split the ass out of these pajamas.” He chuckled.

“You’re coming back?”

Jon raised his eyebrows. “Unless you don’t want me to.”

“No…”

“So you don’t want me to come back.”

“That’s not…” Ellis took a breath. “Yes, I want you to stay. If you want to. I want you to. Stay I mean…here with…me.”

Jon seemed to quit breathing and his Adam’s apple bobbed like he had trouble swallowing. Finally he said, “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“I think I can manage. I’ll sit in the living room and watch cartoons with Rudy.”

“I promise not to take long.”

It made Rudy sad to see Jon leave, but he’d promised to be right back.

Right back could be short or long. Usually short. When Ellis said right back, he was really and truly, right back.

Hopefully Jon’s right back would be the short kind, because he’d made brownies last night and Rudy couldn’t wait to eat them. He thought about eating them now, but they were Jon’s brownies.

And Ellis always said, when something didn’t belong to Rudy, he was supposed to wait and get permission.

There was no doubt that Jon would let Rudy have some, because Jon was his friend. He watched cartoons with him, helped him with his orange juice, showed him how to put back the pots and pans.

The best part about Jon being his friend was Ellis. With Jon around, Ellis smiled all the time. Even frustrated, the light never left his eyes. Rudy wondered if he could convince Jon to never leave. Then he wondered if Jon would like to go camping. Rudy had a tent. Sometimes Ellis let him put it up in the backyard, and they would cook hotdogs and marshmallows.

If Jon stayed forever, where would he sleep? Last night he’d stayed in Ellis’s room. Ellis had the biggest bed so that made sense. Maybe Ellis wouldn’t mind letting Jon stay there every night. Rudy bet Jon would even play Go Fish.

He started to ask Ellis but he was slumped against the back of the sofa with his eyes closed. The bruises on the side of his face had turned dark purple. It seemed Ellis slept all the time since Lenny hit him.

Sleeping was better than dying. A person could wake up from sleep, but they never came back when they died.

Sometimes, Rudy tried to imagine what that was like, but it scared him so he never got very far.

The thing inside Rudy that let him find the stuff didn’t scare him but he couldn’t think about it for long. When he tried, images of ice cream, baseball cards, and riding his bike popped into his head.

All he knew for sure was one day Ellis would need it.

Rudy went back to watching cartoons. How long would it take Jon to get back? Rudy waited and waited, and waited some more.

Apparently, Jon’s ‘right backs’ were the long kind. On the screen, Mickey Mouse argued with Daffy Duck. Rudy watched this part a lot of times, but he still enjoyed it. If he watched the same cartoon over and over, he could remember it better. Kind of like when Ellis told him something in the way he meant it.

Jon sure took a long time.

It would have been nice to have a glass of water to drink while he watched TV, but Ellis was still asleep.

That was okay, because Jon was Rudy’s friend and he’d shown him how to get water all by himself.

Rudy went into the kitchen and got a glass from the cabinet. He filled it up at the tap, then poured half out, and carefully carried it to the table.

“Rudy?”

By the time Rudy swallowed his mouthful of water, Ellis had stumbled around the corner.

“I was thirsty.” Rudy held up the glass to show him.

“You’re not supposed to go through the cabinets. The dishes break.”

“But Jon showed me. I was very careful. And I’m at the table so it won’t spill.” Rudy smiled.

Ellis blinked several times like he was looking up at the sun instead of the lighted dining room.

“You should go back to sleep.”

“What? You taking care of me now?”

Rudy shrugged. “Maybe. But you need to dress better. You’re all wrinkled. People will think I don’t do a very good job.”

Ellis laughed and sat beside Rudy. “You’re one to talk. You haven’t even brushed your hair.”

“Or my teeth. Why do teeth get furry in the morning?”

“It’s not fur.”

“Feels like it.”

“Brush your teeth and they won’t feel that way.”

Which was worse? Furry teeth or the taste of toothpaste? There was one thing that tasted good. “Can we have brownies? Jon made brownies. He put them in the fridge. I didn’t touch them. They’re Jon’s brownies.”

Ellis gave Rudy a sideways look. “If they’re Jon’s brownies, shouldn’t we ask him first?”

Rudy thought a moment then said, “No.”

“Why no?”

“Because he told me I couldn’t touch the brownies, he never said you couldn’t touch them.”

Ellis snorted a laugh. “Sometimes you’re too clever for your own good.”

Rudy drank some of his water. He made sure to gently set the glass back down. “Clever means smart.”

Ellis stood. “Pretty much.”

“But I’m not smart.” He was always forgetting things or messing them up.

“Rudy, look at me.”

Rudy picked at the swirls in the table.

Ellis cupped Rudy’s face in both hands. “Don’t ever say things like that about yourself again.”

“It’s wrong to lie.”

Ellis frowned. “It’s not a lie.”

“I’m not smart, Ellis. I’m not. I know I’m not.” Why would Ellis say he was? Rudy pointed to his head. “It’s all jumbled up and broken. I think it’s the light.”

“You’re mind is not broken and the lights won’t hurt you.”

“Don’t lie. Lying is bad. You said so.”

“Listen to me.” Ellis dropped to his knees beside Rudy.

“Only if you don’t lie.”

“Okay.” Ellis slumped. “Your brain doesn’t work like everyone else’s. But it doesn’t mean you’re not smart.”

“Stupid. The word is stupid.”

“Rudy…”

“I’m not smart, Ellis, I know I’m not. Not like Jon or you. You don’t have to lie. I’ve got you to make it okay. You take care of me. My clothes are never wrinkled. And now you have Jon to take care of you.”

Ellis took Rudy’s hands and held them a moment before kissing his knuckles. Then he stood and went into the kitchen. Ellis never let Rudy see him cry, but Rudy knew he did because the thing inside him said so.

“You wanted a brownie, right?” Ellis said.

“Yes, please.” Rudy turned around. “But I didn’t touch them. You touched them. Not me. Never me.”

Jon sat in his car in front of the drugstore and for the hundredth time, he asked himself why was here? Then he laughed. He knew exactly why.

Man, he was presumptuous. Or maybe just desperate.

Probably both.

Jon never hid the fact he was gay, but, at the same time, he never advertised it. But in a town this small it didn’t take much to make people talk, and the last thing Ellis needed was to become the next bit of gossip fodder. He already had enough on his plate with taking care of Rudy.

But Jon wanted this. He needed this. So he got out and crossed the empty parking lot.

Hopefully this wouldn’t wind up on his long list of mistakes.

At least Ellis had made it clear he wanted to try again. God knows Jon wanted to.

There was a moment where he hesitated at the door before going inside. The bells clattered against the glass and a combination of hair spray and cordial cherries scented air surrounded him.

“Can I help you?” The woman at the photo lab smiled at him.

Jon jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. “No, I’m pretty sure I can find what I need.”

He went down an aisle, passing baby diapers, feminine products, more feminine products. He found the lubricants, but paused at the condoms. Should he?

An old man nodded at Jon as he passed. Great. Now he had a stranger’s approval.

What the hell is wrong with you? You’re acting like you’ve never done this before. Condoms and lubricant are the staple of any man’s sex life. Even old people were young once
.

He grabbed a box.

There had to be a hundred different kinds of lubricant. Warming, cooling, warming and cooling, tingling, all packaged in pretty colored boxes with retro designs.

He found the regular KY on the bottom shelf. Would one tube be enough?

Jesus Christ what kind of question was that?

There was a chance Ellis could change his mind about the whole thing. If he did, Jon wouldn’t need the condoms, but he would definitely need the lubricant. He picked up two bottles.

The old man stood at the prescription counter now with the pharmacist, staring at him.

They couldn’t possibly know. And if they did, fuck ’em and their narrow minds. But, just in case, Jon snagged the first feminine product he came to. He glanced back. No one stared now.

The cashier gave Jon doe eyes as he walked up. She couldn’t have been more than twenty.

He put everything on the counter.

“You must be the greatest boyfriend in the world.”

Good grief, did he have ‘gay’ written across his forehead?

She waved the box of tampons at him.

“Oh, that.” Jon wiped his hand on his jeans. “Yeah it’s nothing.”

She winked at him. “My boyfriend would never buy them for me. I asked him once and, oh my God, you’d think I’d wanted him to cut out his own liver.” She rolled her eyes, then flashed him another million dollar smile. “You two been together long?”

“Uh, no, I mean yes, a little while.”

She gave him a sly look while she bagged everything up. “Married, huh?”

“What? No.” He fished his money out of his wallet and handed it over.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell. To be honest, I think it’s kind of hot.” She handed him the bag and he headed to the door. The cashier called after him. “Don’t you want your change?”

“Keep it.”

Back in the car, Jon tossed the bag into the passenger seat. Condoms and lubricant. How did something so simple make his stomach knot?

It had to be the tampons.

What the hell was he going to do with them? They wouldn’t fit under the seat. He opened and closed the glove box.

The trunk.

A car pulled in beside him and a handful of teenagers got out.

Jon threw the box into the back seat, and put the condoms and lubricant in his duffle bag with his clothes.

Right thing? Wrong thing? No. A just in case thing.

Ellis lived seven miles from town, but it felt like hours before Jon pulled into the driveway.

The duffle bag seemed to weigh more than it should have as Jon carried it into the house. The sofa and the spot in front of the TV were empty, so Jon looked in the dining room. Ellis and Rudy sat at the table, playing cards.

Rudy waved. “Ellis touched the brownies.”

“They were pretty good. I guess the Nutella didn’t go to waste after all.”

“Did you leave me any?”

“Enough to make you sick,” Rudy said.

“Sick?”

“More than two. Enough to make you sick.”

“Okay, that’s plenty then.” Jon held up the duffle bag. “I’m going to put this stuff upstairs in your room, if it’s okay.”

“You know it is.” The way Ellis said it made Jon’s cock twitch. He went upstairs to avoid embarrassing himself and put the duffle bag on his side of the bed.

His side?

Definitely presumptuous. He sat on the end of the mattress with his face in his hands.