The Football Fan's Manifesto (14 page)
Read The Football Fan's Manifesto Online
Authors: Michael Tunison
It should be noted that if you are playing in multiple leagues (and if you aren’t, why not? Who are you, President Obama? Your time isn’t that valuable) you may absolutely
not
recycle team names. Not from years past. Not from your teams in other leagues. It’s out of the question.
VI.4 The Fantasy Draft Is the Only Time Being an Unrepentant Homer Doesn’t Help
Here’s when the whole of your strategic genius is brought to bear. Do you start going all homer and scoop up every player possible from your real-life favorite team? It bespeaks hard-core fandom, even if it’s a sure-fire recipe for disaster in fantasy. Especially if your real-life team happens to the Lions or the Raiders. Conversely, do you eschew your favorite team entirely, fearing that your fanhood will blind you to players’ actual worth, or worse still, that
having them on your fantasy team will jinx members of the real-life team irreparably? Both approaches, it should be noted, are incredibly asinine.
Now where to convene to divvy up players like European monarchs divvied up Africa? Weighing the options for the location of your draft will at least enable you to make a mistake from an informed perspective.
THE BAR
Pro:
Reduced chance of wife walking in mid-draft to tell you to watch the kids.
Con:
People in public who aren’t predisposed to understand your nerdish leanings judging you as the embarrassing tool you are.
SOMEONE’S HOUSE
Pro:
Not having to pony up cash for every drink; chance to geek out without eliciting disdainful looks from attractive women, as there will be none present.
Con:
The possibility of family members seeing you at your most man-childish.
INTERNET DRAFT FROM HOME
Pro
: Can masturbate to your sexy draft class without objection, judgment, or arrest.
Con:
The flow and spontaneity of trash-talk is ruined by slow typing.
COFFEE HOUSE
Pro:
Caffeine is superior to booze as a drug for maintaining steely focus on your fantasy team.
Con:
Paucity of far tastier booze, abundance of leering quasi-intellectuals who consider football fandom to be only marginally more respectable than pederasty.
SAUNA
Pro:
No less homoerotic than a fantasy football draft in any other setting.
Con:
Wi-Fi connection may be compromised by steam.
STRIP CLUB
Pro:
A setting where you get expensively teased is appropriate for an activity in which you foolishly delude yourself into thinking you’re an NFL general manager.
Con:
A member of your league inevitably gets thrown out for hugging a dancer after somehow landing Thomas Jones in the third round.
- Laugh rapturously anytime someone selects a defense prior to the last round, no matter how much sense it makes.
- At least once per round, announce that a pick is a reach. If the person contests this claim, scream “rreeeeeeaaaaacccchhhhhh.” And hit them.
- When it gets to the point that someone drafts Jake Delhomme, make a point of getting out of your seat and declaring the draft to be over. An exaggerated gesture, like throwing your draft board over your shoulder, punctuates this statement.
- If you’re not stealing glances at others’ draft boards, you’re not trying.
- Defaming someone’s mom is the best way to deal with another draftee taking a player you were looking to take with your next pick. Even if you are related to this person.
- If you draft Braylon Edwards, you might as well castrate yourself on the spot. Though you’ll probably drop the knife.
VI.5 Fantasy Football Magazines Are the Most Useless Things You’ll Reflexively Purchase Each Year
Without question, the fantasy football magazine is one of the most disappointing consumer items on the market, right up there with rechargeable batteries and the Sham-Wow. Yet there remain approximately eight thousand different kinds available for purchase, and not a useful one among them. Thing is, most fans don’t want to commit the time needed to properly prepare for a draft. That’s an act bordering on studying. The one thing more antisocial than pouring your free time into managing your fantasy team is pouring copious free time into getting ready to compile your fantasy team. It’s like reading an anatomy
book before going to Fuck Town. Sure, the detailed pictures are enticing, but it’s so creepy that even Sean Salisbury would feel dirty doing it.
For the nine dollars you throw down for these prodigious wastes of ink, you’re inundated with hundreds upon hundreds of bland player capsules and tedious team previews, none of which actually assist with fantasy drafting in the least. What’s more, all of this information is easily accessible and, most importantly, free online. What it comes down to is that most of the buyers of these mags, lazy bastards though they are, pick them up only to remove the cheat sheet that lists the top 150 players and the best twenty at each position. Again, this is a commodity that can either be printed out in full or culled together using little effort via free resources on the Internet. And the resources online didn’t have to go to print three months before the preseason starts, making their advice as potentially outdated as a Peter King iTunes recommendation.
The promise of identifying sleepers (players who have surprisingly productive or breakout years, better known as the guys you end up passing on in favor of Ronald Curry) is another hook that these publications use to bamboozle the ignorant and the research-averse. The conflict you run into here is that each magazine picks the same batch of players as their sleepers, be it a stud rookie running back, a third-year receiver primed to break out for a monster year, or a star looking to rebounding from a disappointing season. So by the time fantasy drafts roll around, every
one who did a modicum of preparation takes these players long before they should. Then the sleepers seldom deliver the big year that was promised. And you end up hating the player when you should really hate yourself.
Fantasy football magazines also operate on the assumption that there is little to no volatility in player output from year to year, which is obviously ridiculous in a league where turnover is constant. According to them, whoever was hot the year before will remain hot, while whoever sucked will still be DeAngelo Williams. How did that guy get good so quickly? Some concessions must be made to the powers of random events. Certainly there’s no way to foresee injuries to major players, unless you have a good arrangement with a clairvoyant.
The dirty secret is that everyone is just as clueless as everyone else. Convincing yourself that you’re more informed than others is a pleasant fiction. Don’t fall into that trap. Save yourself the money and the trouble. The NFL offers the fan ample opportunities to squander money.
The one exception is a recent version of
Pro Football Prospectus
. Sure, it completely botches a prediction every once in a while—its evaluation of Wes Welker before he had a breakout season with New England in 2007 comes to mind—but the book is chock-full of invaluable knowledge, even some so arcane that you might base your selections on the quality of a team’s training staff, which, though grounded in reason, is going way, way overboard. Unless, again, it’s a big money league. Then no amount of preparation is too much.
VI.6 A Letter to Brian Westbrook Regarding His Questionable Playing Status for Sunday
Dear Brian Westbrook,
Even though I hate the Eagles and everything they stand for (being huge dicks, I think, is a major credo), I’ve enjoyed immensely the production you’ve given my fantasy team this season. I don’t think I’m being out of line when I say that you are among the better first-round picks I’ve had in some time. The 26 points you gave me in Week 7 against Seattle got me over the hump in a game I needed to win to stay in playoff contention.
Because you are one of the league’s premier receiving backs, so much of Philadelphia’s offense flows through you. This makes a particularly appealing fantasy selection. Even if a stout defense is keying on the run against your team, there’s still a good chance that you will rack up decent stats because of your ability to catch passes coming out of the backfield.
I have to say, however, that there is one habit of yours that has caused me some distress. I speak in reference to your tendency to sustain minor injuries, not practice all week, be listed as questionable for the following game, then downgraded to doubtful, then said to be a game-time decision (causing me enough concern that I put you on the bench thinking that, even if you play, it won’t be much)—only
for you to play the entire game, run for 150 yards, and score two touchdowns.
LISTEN FUCKTARD, EITHER MAKE IT CRYSTAL CLEAR THAT YOU INTEND TO PLAY OR I WILL SODOMIZE YOU WITH A KATANA. GOING THROUGH THIS SHIT EACH AND EVERY WEEK IS CAUSING ME TO DEVELOP A BITCH OF AN ULCER. I WILL RAKE YOUR EYES WITH A RUSTY NAIL, YOU DECEPTIVE SHIT-EATING CUNTWICH!
That is to say, I find this habit to be most irksome.
This week, again, I noticed you’ve sustained a calf injury that casts doubt on your status for Sunday. I understand that this is typically an injury that would create some difficulty for a running back. It is not a position in which it is easy to perform well at less than 100 percent. Officially, I see that you are listed as questionable, which means there is still a 50-50 chance that you could play. In keeping tabs on your status throughout the week, I see that head coach Andy Reid has said that you only went through limited practice on Friday and that your condition will be evaluated during warm-ups on Sunday.
HOLY FUCKING CRUSTY CUMBUCKET, BRIAN! DO YOU THINK I HAVE A SOURCE IN THE EAGLES’ LOCKER ROOM? DO YOU
THINK I WANT TO WAIT BY MY COMPUTER ALL DAY SUNDAY FOR THE REPORT ON WHETHER YOU’RE GOING OR NOT? DO YOU THINK EVERYONE WHO ISN’T AN NFL PLAYER HAS TIME FOR THESE THINGS, YOU SELFISH ASS?
Due to injuries to my other running backs, my bench is pretty thin at the moment. This game will go a long way toward determining whether my team makes the playoffs in my league. I would appreciate having a chance to recoup the fifty-dollar entry fee I paid at the beginning of the season. My friend, asshole that he is, has already acquired your backup, Correll Buckhalter, making him primed to collect what should be rightfully my points should you not be able to start on Sunday. If, in fact, you will not be playing, I need to know this ahead of time, so I can pull a quick trade for another back.
DON’T THINK IT’S THAT HARD TO LOOK UP YOUR ADDRESS ON THE INTERNET! I BET I CAN GOOGLE THAT SHIT REAL EASY! JUST YOU WAIT! IF YOU COST ME THIS GAME, I’LL GARROTE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP WITH PIANO WIRE, BURY YOU IN DOGSHIT, AND LIGHT IT ON FIRE! DOGSHIT BURNS OKAY JUST SO LONG AS YOU POUR SOME GASOLINE ON IT! AND I HAVE PLENTY OF GASOLINE, BRIAN!
I hope we can reach a speedy resolution as it pertains to these lingering issues. Our association, I think, has been a beneficial one, and I would like for it to continue as such. Also, I don’t want to go to prison for killing you. I hear bad things.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write the same letter to Willie Parker. Then mail a letter bomb to Mike Shanahan for the whole running–back-by-committee thing.
Yours in Christ,
Every Brian Westbrook Fantasy Owner
VI.7 Issue Threats to People Who Veto Your Fantasy Trades
The world of fantasy football is one of cutthroat gamesmanship. Accordingly, you’ve got to cut some fucking throats to get ahead, especially if it causes one of those amazing arterial sprays. Because of the fierce competition that marks fantasy, trades are a particularly sensitive maneuver. The implications they have on the standings mean any proposed transaction is scrutinized in a manner so stringent it would make Supreme Court nominees cringe.
The need for this process is manifest. When a fantasy owner who is impossibly out of contention offers up his best player to another owner who is in the thick of a title run, it’s time for the others in the league to rise up and bellyache until that trade gets invalidated. For such a transac
tion may put the beneficiary on the road to a league title due to the collusion of the down-and-out owner who has nothing to play for.
Often, though, when you find yourself on the business end of these refusals, which are done either by a vote of the majority of clenched-rectum owners in your league or the sole ruling of an imperious power-mad commissioner, no one can blame you for being aggrieved at the spite of others who were not savvy enough to rip off a suffering fantasy owner whose hope is lost but whose willingness to fuck others over remains startlingly intact. If you can coax a dying man to fork over his best assets before he expires, it is your right, nay, your obligation to do so. And, once having acquired those assets, the act of turning them on others as an instrument of fantasy football doom is enough to give you a glorious hate erection (these are the only kind Bill Belichick gets) for weeks.
Examples of lopsided trades are not always clear-cut, mind you. Not every rejected trade is as obviously rigged as Jabar Gaffney for Clinton Portis and Drew Brees. In many instances, people will overrule your trades even when they are relatively evenhanded. In such cases, an iron fist is required to guide these deals through the approval period.
Forcing through your proposed trades is going to take all of your cunning and all of your diplomatic dexterity, as well as an unstinting capacity for malevolence. The other owners in your league need to learn to fear your
wrath, lest they get in their minds that it’s okay to veto your deals, just because your stand to gain Steve Slaton and Matt Forte in a keeper league for a kicker. Let them worry about their business.