The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy) (21 page)

“It’s just…this is going to hurt.”

My chest filled with air before I spoke. “But it hurts so good, my love.
So
good,” I tried to make her smile.

She nodded against my chest and I kissed the top of her head. “I missed you so much before but now…it’s going to be so much worse.”

I sighed against her forehead. “It’s going to be hell…but let’s just concentrate on how we can get you to New York, okay?”

“Okay.”

“How are we going to do this? I mean…what do you want?”

“Just to be with you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, Ryan,” she said so softly that I barely heard her.

She is so perfect.
I brought my hand up and brushed my knuckles softly against her cheekbone and she raised her eyes to mine.

“So what do we need to do to make it happen?” I asked hesitantly. I still felt guilty at the fact that she was going to sacrifice everything and move to the East Coast, but I wanted it so bad I was beyond considering any option that didn’t put us closer together.

I felt her shrug against me. “You go back and be brilliant and I’ll talk to my boss tomorrow. It might take a little time, but I’ll work it out.”

“What if they say
no
?” I asked with trepidation.

She shrugged against me. “If they won’t help me transfer out there, I’ll just have to quit.”

I struggled to find the right words. I wanted to say “
Yes, quit.” Move to Boston and live with me,
but my brain knew that wasn’t fair to Julia and I had no right to ask that of her. “I already feel like an ass for wanting to be near you without making you sacrifice your job for me.”

“Pfft!” She rolled her eyes and I grinned. “Since when did you ever feel bad about getting me to do what you wanted, huh?” She nudged me and laughed softly. Leave it to her to put it all in perspective. Yes, I wanted her near and yes, I would let her move to accomplish that. If I had my way, I’d have a lifetime to make it up to her.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I know it isn’t fair, but you’re right. I want you with me. I want it so bad I can’t stand it,” I said urgently. I felt desperate; like, if I didn’t have her with me, part of me would be suffocated or lost. As much as I had loved her all these years, the intensity of my feelings now was more than I had ever dreamed possible.

Julia sensed my trepidation and leaned in to nuzzle against my neck and then kissed the side of my face. I held her close as her hand played with the hair on my chest and stomach.

“It’s gonna happen, Ryan. We’ll make it happen because we
have
to.”

*****

This was the end of our weekend and I was doing my best to put on a brave face and remind myself of all that I had to be thankful for. And there he was, right in front of me, all six foot, one inch of him, his wild dark gold locks, scruffy, unshaven chin and bright blue eyes. So beautiful, but so sad, his brow crinkled and his face tense. I drew in a deep breath as I watched him put his things in his suitcase and duffle. He glanced up from what he was doing and his features softened as he looked at me.

I got up and walked across the room, sitting on the bed beside his suitcase, beginning to rub his back. His muscles were tense as they flexed under my hands when he moved. We had both showered and his hair was still damp. I longed to run my hand through it and tug on the ends. He loved it when I did that and it would comfort him in some small way.

I grabbed his arm and pulled him to sit next to me, curling around his back and holding him close. Ryan reached up, grabbed my hand and brought it slowly to his mouth, brushing his lips over my knuckles lightly, his lips ghosting back and forth over the skin before finally kissing it.

I kissed his back and closed my eyes, trying to steady the trembling in my voice before I spoke. “I’m so happy you came to see me. This weekend has meant the world to me, Ryan,” I almost whispered against his black button down shirt that was stretched taut across his shoulders.

His thumb brushed over the skin on my wrist as he held my hand. “Me, too.” He turned to me and looked into my eyes, a small smile lifting the corners of his mouth as one hand reached out to cup my left cheek. “Can I see the drawing before we go to the airport?”

“The drawings are so personal.”

“
Drawings
?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “How many are there?”

I smirked back at him and shrugged. “Matthews, you didn’t really think this was the first one, did you?”

“Sometimes I’d catch you drawing when I was studying, but I felt like I’d be prying if I asked what you were doing. Your face was always so intense.”

“Like I said…It’s very personal to me.” As intimate as we had been, I suddenly felt shy. “I poured all of my love into my sketches. I was afraid if you saw them, you’d know. Um…I was afraid you’d freak out and I didn’t want to lose you.”

Ryan laughed softly. “Julia, I was so in love with you the entire time. Watching you, so intently working, I longed to be the thing you were thinking about that caused that look on your face. We were so stupid.”

“Something like that, yeah.”

“Okay, so show me already!” His eyes were excited and I scratched my fingers across his shoulders one last time before I went to retrieve the sketch pad resting between the two pieces of furniture on the floor. I went back to the bed and handed it to Ryan, slightly nervous over what his reaction might be.

“Be nice,” I begged. Ryan just looked at me for a long moment.

“I’ve seen your work. You’re incredibly talented, so what are you fidgeting about?” His voice was lighter, full of amusement and my heart leapt. It was better than the sadness that was there just minutes before.

“I’m silly, I guess. You’re right. You’ve seen my work, so…” I let my voice drop off, not really sure what I wanted to say.

Ryan’s hands quickly moved to flip open the cover of the book and he instantly froze, looking at the still unfinished drawing, his hand hovering over the image on the page.

“Obviously, I’m not finished with it,” I began.

Ryan stared at it for a few minutes before he looked up at me. “Julia…if this is how you
see
me…I’m…speechless.”

My throat began to ache as I tried to blink away the tears, willing myself to speak. “Uhgghh…” I tried to clear the emotion out of my voice. “Um…I see you as
perfect
. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on,” I said honestly as I sat slowly on the edge of the bed near him.

“If I searched a hundred years, I couldn’t find the words to tell you how you make me feel…or how much I love you. Do you
know
that?” he asked earnestly, his eyes burning into mine preventing me from looking away. His face blurred before my eyes until first one, and then another tear slipped down my cheeks. Ryan set the drawing to the side and put both hands to my face, wiping at the tears with his thumbs, his touch soft and so very gentle.

“My baby. You make me so happy. Please don’t cry, honey.” His voice was like velvet as it washed over me and he placed a soft kiss on my mouth before leaning his forehead against mine. “Can I have it?”

I looked down at my hands and immediately both of his reached out to take one of mine between them. “It’s not finished yet.”

“It’s a masterpiece just like it is. I want it, Julia. Please?”

I nodded because I couldn’t get any words out. Ryan gathered me close and held the back of my head, turning his face into my hair. As he breathed me in, the hardness of his chest pressed into the softness of my breasts and he felt amazing. We needed to leave for the airport or he’d miss his plane, but I never wanted to let him go.

“Julia, this is going to hurt
like a bitch
! I never want to leave you,” he moaned into the curve of my neck and my hands slid up his chest to fist in the back of his hair, holding on for dear life and kissing the side of his jaw. “But…I’m so glad we’re
us
now. I love you.” He stood up and pulled me with him, still in his arms, pressing my hips to his and then wrapping his arms tightly around my waist and back.

“So much. I’ll miss you every single second.” I willed my voice not to betray me, the words breaking free in a throbbing ache as I struggled not to full out sob. My heart hurt, but my brain clung to the hope that I’d be able to move to the East Coast very soon. I raised my face to look at him and Ryan took my mouth in a brief but deep kiss before reluctantly letting me go. He picked up his suitcases to carry them into the other room to the door. My heart was thumping in my chest in protest and I felt like I was losing my best friend. I tried to talk myself out of my sad mood, telling myself silently that this was the start of our life together. Certainly, this was not something to be sad about.

Then why the fuck do I feel like my insides just fell out and piled at my feet?

The silent war continued to wage inside me. Ryan felt it, too, because his hands rubbed up and down my arms after he helped me on with my jacket. He kissed the back of my head and for a long moment just rested his head against mine. He reluctantly moved away and once again picked up the bags. The loss was already a tangible thing.

“Ready?” I said sadly, grabbing my purse and car keys. I turned back to him to see him shaking his head his eyes glistening.

“No. I’ll never be ready to leave you.”

I put a trembling hand to his face. My fingers clutched around his jaw as I kissed his mouth, breathing in his sweet scent and letting my lips move with his. His hands were full of the luggage so he couldn’t take me in his arms, but I felt his urgency in his mouth and tongue as he kissed me. “It’s going to be okay,” I whispered against his lips.

“I know.” He tried to smile as I opened the door and held it for him. “We’ll be fine, Julia. But it’s better when you’re near me. That’s what I want for Christmas, okay?”

I smiled in return while we walked to the car and I opened the trunk. Ryan put his stuff in the back and once again I tossed him the keys. “Okay. Christmas,” I nodded. “I’ll do my best to give you what you want.”

“You always do,” he said as he opened my door and I slid inside.

The drive to the airport was mostly spent in soft touches and contemplation. I watched his features as he drove, never taking my eyes from his face. He seemed lost in thought, save the times when he’d glance at me lovingly or bring the hand he held constantly, to his mouth.

My heart was constricted and I finally had to face forward and look out the window or risk breaking into tears. His thumb rubbed over the inside of my wrist and I knew he understood what I was going through. He knew me better than I knew myself.

“Hey, weren’t you the one who said this would be okay?” he reminded me. He was hurting too but was stronger than I was. I was feeling so fragile, like I would crumble and blow away into nothingness, but I made myself answer in a stronger voice.

“Yeah. I know it will, babe.”

“Jules, you probably want to come in with me, but I’m just going to get my boarding pass and wait. It won’t be that long before I’ll have to go through the security checkpoint and you won’t be able to join me, so why don’t you just drop me off at the terminal?” His eyes flicked to my face and then quickly away, like there was something he wasn’t saying, but was trying to hide from me.

We entered the airport property as a plane landed loudly overhead. I was thankful for the time it gave me to organize my thoughts and get control over the trembling in my voice.

“But…Ryan, I was hoping…”

His hand tightened on mine. “This will be so hard, I just…think it’s best if we just say goodbye at the curb, babe.” His voice broke slightly on the words. “I feel like such a fucking pussy!”

I started slightly at his expletive, but I drew a shaky breath and nodded. “Okay.”

“Julia…” he began, his voice tortured as he pulled up to the American Airlines terminal and put the car in park. He turned his tortured blue eyes to mine. “Remember my Christmas present, okay?” He touched my chin with his fingers as I nodded sadly. “It’s gotta happen, so I guess this is it. Will you hug me goodbye?” Ryan asked softly as he stared into my eyes.

“Of course, you idiot.” My chin was trembling and I put a shaky hand over my eyes as Ryan opened his door and popped open the trunk of my Mazda.

I reluctantly grabbed the handle and pushed the passenger door open and walked to the back of the car as he was setting his bag on the curb. Instantly, I was in his arms and he was kissing the side of my face and then my mouth in a wild, deep kiss. His tongue slid into my mouth and I opened to him as if I was starving and he was the last nourishment on earth.