The Genius Files #4
Read The Genius Files #4 Online
Authors: Dan Gutman
ThanksThanks to Jane Sturdivant Britt, Steve Busti, Trish Carlberg, Christine Feller, Dennis Geoffroy, Emma Gutman, Andrew Harwell, Sarah Kaufman, Dave Kelly, Barbara Lalicki, Carrie O'Banion, Diandra Mae, P.J. Meriwether, Dianne Odegard, Lara Robertson, and, of course, my wife, Nina. A special thank-you to Google Maps and RoadsideAmerica.com.
“Sometimes we spend so much time and energy thinking about where we want to go that we don't notice where we happen to be.”
âNobody said this. But somebody should have.
All the places mentioned in this book are real.
You can visit them. You
should
visit them!
11 Happy Birthday, Mrs. McDonald!
YOU MISSED A LOT!
T
here were thirteen items on Coke McDonald's To Do list on July 11th. But getting shoved into a spinning clothes dryer was not one of them.
SEND POSTCARDS HOME was on the list.
FINISH SUMMER READING was on the list.
GET A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR MOM was on the list.
LEARN HOW TO PLAY HARMONICA was on the list.
But nothing about getting shoved into a spinning clothes dryer.
And yet, strangely enough, getting shoved into a spinning clothes dryer was the
one
thing that Coke McDonald was actually going To Do at the middle of July.
Right now, I could tell you the amazing story of how Coke was shoved into a spinning clothes dryer. But to fully appreciate the awesomeness of it all, you should really read the first three books in The Genius Files series. So you might want to close this book for now, ask your librarian for the other books, and start reading them. I'll be waiting right here.
Don't worry, I won't let anybody else read this book until you get back.
Back so soon?
What? You say somebody
else
checked out the first three Genius Files books? How
dare
they!
Okay, tell you what I'm going to doâand I don't do this for everybody. I'll give you a quick recap of what happened up until this point. Ready?
(Deep breath)
The first book started with a pair of twinsâCoke and Pepsi McDonaldâjumping off a cliff near San Francisco, California. Why would two perfectly normal
twelve-year-old kids jump off a cliff? Glad you asked. They were being chased by some evil-looking dudes wearing bowler hats who were shooting poisoned darts at them with blowguns. Why were these bowler dudes trying to kill Coke and Pep? Because the eccentric Dr. Herman Warsaw told them to, that's why. And bowler dudes always do what they're told.
You see, after witnessing the attack on the Pentagon on 9/11, Dr. Warsaw started a secret government programâcalled The Genius Filesâto have the smartest kids solve the problems of the world. But as you well know, the younger generation has this nasty habit of not doing what grown-ups tell them to do. So Dr. Warsaw decided to kill off the program, and kill off all the kids with it.
Did I mention that Dr. Warsaw is insane?
(Deep breath)
So the twins and their clueless parents set off in an RV on their cross-country summer vacation. Their dad is a history professor who's trying to come up with a killer idea for his next book. Their mom runs a popular website called
Amazing but True
, and so they had to stop off along the way at oddball tourist destinations such as the Duct Tape Capital of the World (Avon, Ohio), the Largest Frying Pan in the World
(Rose Hill, North Carolina), and the Largest Ball of Twine in the World (Cawker City, Kansas). They also visited the National Yo-Yo Museum, the Waffle House Museum, and museums devoted to Spam, Pez dispensers, and hot dog buns.
Who knew that America had such a rich cultural heritage?
(Deep breath)
Anyway, as Coke and Pep were on the road, Dr. Warsaw and his henchman were in hot pursuit, desperately trying toâoh, how do I put this delicately?âKILL THEM. In addition to being forced to jump off a cliff, the twins got locked in their burning school, pushed into a sandpit and left to die, zapped
with electric shocks, lowered into boiling oil in a giant french fry machine, run down by a remote-controlled car, and dipped in soft-serve ice cream while tied up in a Mister Softee truck.
Other than that, it was a fairly uneventful summer.
The final scene of
The Genius Files: You Only Die Twice
took place in Memphis, Tennessee. Coke and Pep were chased out of Graceland by an Elvis Presley impersonator who turned out to be (spoiler alert!) their own Aunt Judy in disguise. The twins ran away to hide in their RV, where Coke had stashed his backpack stuffed with enough fireworks to wage a small war. Evil Elvis/Aunt Judy (who happened to be a pyromaniac) accidentally lit the backpack on fire. That was the end of the RV, and that, for better or worse, was the end of Aunt Judy too.
You're probably curious to know what's going to happen next. Well, you're about to find out. So sit back, relax, and enjoy
The Genius Files: From Texas with Love
.
NO MORE RUNNING
C
oke McDonald looked up and saw blue sky overhead, crisscrossed by a series of wires stretching on into what appeared to be infinity. He was lying on a hard surface that seemed to be vibrating. It was windy and cold, and he couldn't move.
Of
course
he couldn't move. His legs were tied together with rope, and his wrists were shackled by handcuffs.
He saw something else too. The horrible smiling face of Dr. Herman
Warsaw leaning over him. His breath was bad.
“I had thought that you, and geniuses like you, would be able to solve the problems of the world,” Dr. Warsaw told him. “That was my grand plan. But then I realized you were just like all the other kidsâsnotty, disrespectful, disobedient, and immoral. You killed my young assistant Archie. Then you killed my wife. And you almost killed me. So now I'm going to kill you, at last!”
Coke trembled with fear. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see he was on the roadway of a long suspension bridge. Cars and trucks were whizzing by, but none of them were stopping.
“I didn't mean to do
anything
!” Coke pleaded. “I'm just an ordinary kid. I didn't ask to be part of your stupid Genius Files program!”
“Shut up!” Dr. Warsaw hissed. “I'm finished arguing with you! This is the end of the line.”
“That's right!”
The voice came from behind, and Coke realized the two bowler dudes were kneeling there, hovering over him.
“You tell 'im, boss,” said the mustachioed bowler dude. His clean-shaven brother just snickered in the background.
On Coke's other side was the maniacally grinning
face of Mrs. Higgins, his health teacher.
“No more running,” she said, touching the scar on her neck that she received back at The House on the Rock. “No more hiding. Finally, we have you right where we want you, and this time none of your pals are around to bail you out.”
She was right. Coke looked around frantically. Mya and Bones weren't anywhere to be seen. Neither was his sister.
“Where's Pep?” Coke shouted. “Where's my sister? What did you do to her?”
“She's dead!” yelled Mrs. Higgins. “We threw her off the bridge.”
“Noooooooo!”
Coke screamed.
Why weren't the cars stopping? Where were the police?
“Mrs. Higgins,” Dr. Warsaw said politely, “would you like the honor of sending this young man to his watery grave?”
“Oh, I'm flattered and honored that you would even consider me for such an important task,” Mrs. Higgins said, smiling girlishly. “But this is your moment, Doctor. It would only be right if you did the deed yourself. The boys and I will assist you, of course.”
“If you wish.”
The bowler dudes grabbed Coke by his legs while
Dr. Warsaw and Mrs. Higgins hoisted him up under each arm.
Coke looked around and saw they were in the middle of the bridge. It would be a
long
way down to the water. He knew from skimming a physics textbook years earlier that for a body falling from a great height, hitting the water would be like hitting concrete. Mentally, Coke began calculating the angle and velocity his body would reach just before impact with the water. He remembered that the kinetic energy in different parts of his body was greater than the binding energy keeping them connected, so when it struck the surface his body would act more like a fluid, in the most disgusting possible way.
In simpler terms, he was about to die.
“Any last words?” Dr. Warsaw asked, interrupting Coke's train of thought.