The Good Apprentice (31 page)

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Authors: Iris Murdoch

BOOK: The Good Apprentice
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‘I won’t.’
‘And — you know I think things — and can’t say them — it’s so terrible — those things — not frogs, the other ones — ’
‘Toads — ’
‘Yes. Look after them. Special. They climb up the ivy — to me — here. And the tall things — those tall plants — trees. Don’t let them cut down — the poplar trees.’
‘I won’t. I’m sure they wouldn’t do such a thing.’
‘Oh — what they can do? When they thought I was — dying — they never came near — ’
‘I’m sure they — ’
‘They hoped it would be — all over — ’
‘Jesse, you — ’
‘They’re ashamed — in front of the women — I’ma — a — you know — I’m just a load of shit — to be cleared away. Then they’ll clean the room — open the windows — ’
‘Can you see the sea from here?’ said Edward. ‘May I look? Yesterday there was a mist.’
‘Go and look. And tell me. I forget.’
Edward leapt up and went to the window. He saw the sea with the sun shining on it.
‘What do you see?’
‘I see the sea,’ cried Edward, ‘with the sun shining on it, and it’s dark blue and all glowing like stained glass, and it looks so close, and there’s a beautiful sailing boat with a white sail and — oh I am so glad — would you like to look, shall I help you?’
‘No — I wouldn’t see it — I’d see — something different. Your words — are better.’
Edward came and sat down. He took hold of the hand with the large ring upon it.
‘That’s for you too, the ring. You’ll wear it — when I’m gone.’
‘Jesse, I love talking to you. I wanted to tell you something — perhaps later on — ’
‘Come — some days — ’
‘You can walk, can’t you? They said you could.’
‘Some days — I can — could go a long way.’
‘I’d come with you, if you liked.’
‘They’ll do me in.’
‘What — ?’
‘Poison me — I expect — not to worry — ’
‘You’re not serious! I’m here now, I’ll look after you.’
‘You’ll stay — ’
‘Yes, yes — ’
‘Poor Jesse, oh, poor Jesse — ’
‘Don’t.’
‘Poor Jesse, poor child — ’
‘Jesse, stop, or I’ll cry! You know they’re not against you, that’s an illusion!’ A terrible pity for the maimed monster overcame him and shook him, and dread lest the pity should become visible.
‘I know — what I know. There are terrible penalties — for crimes against the gods — I’ll tell you one day — they’re afraid of me — it’s ap — ab — ’
‘Absurd — appalling — apparent — abhorrent — ?’
‘Funny how words go — they get lost — they’re there and not there — they’re in a black box — I’ll soon be there too — I’ll lie naked in that box — I forget what it’s called — ’ Jesse began to pull off his pyjama jacket.
Edward’s pity was now indistinguishable from fear, perhaps had been all along. He instinctively put out a hand to prevent Jesse from uncovering himself, then helped to pull the soft weak arms out of the sleeves. The ring caught in the tear and lengthened it.
Jesse now looked different, the wrinkles on his face seemed to clear, to diminish until they were simply a hair-like veil spread upon a much younger face, which now looked calm and unanxious and lucid. The thick coppice of long straight smooth animal hairs which descended the chest was dark but a little flecked with grey.
‘Don’t worry — it’s not time yet — for me to go. Leave me now — Edward — but come back — ’
‘Yes, yes — ’
‘Tell I lona — ’
‘Yes?’
‘No — nothing — she’s a good girl — tell her that. I’d like you to marry Ilona.’
‘But she’s my sister!’
‘Oh yes — of course — I forgot.’
‘How did he know about the poplar trees?’ said Mother May to Bettina.
Edward had descended from the tower to find the three women sitting waiting for him at the breakfast table like a grim committee. Even Ilona looked solemn. This morning, however, hungry after last night, they were all able to eat bran and oatmeal porridge, potato cakes with soya grits, oatmeal toast, apples.
‘He creeps down and listens,’ said Bettina.
‘Down all those stairs?’ said Edward.
‘He can creep like a toad.’
‘He said toads crawled up the ivy into his room.’
‘I expect he goes up and down the ivy!’
‘We asked you not to see him,’ said Mother May. ‘Why couldn’t you wait?’
‘He’s my father.’
‘He may never be better now,’ said Ilona, ‘so why wait?’
‘But you aren’t really going to cut down those beautiful poplars?’
‘Yes,’ said Mother May.
‘We have to live,’ said Bettina, ‘we have to eat, we have to pay rates and taxes, we have to buy food and petrol and — ’
‘Have you any idea,’ said Mother May, ‘how much it costs to run a place of this size, a house as large as a palace — ?’
‘Yes, but aren’t there other ways? He said to me, “Don’t let them cut down the poplars.”’
‘We heard you.’
‘I
love
those trees,’ said Ilona, ‘I think it’s
terrible
to cut down trees — ’
‘You keep quiet,’ said Bettina. ‘You don’t have to make decisions.’
‘You don’t let me make decisions!’
‘Oh, shut up, Ilona.’
‘Ilona, be patient with us,’ said Mother May.
‘Couldn’t you sell a picture?’ said Edward. ‘Or some pictures?’
‘They’re keeping them till he’s dead,’ said Ilona. ‘They’ll be worth more then.’
‘It’s true that they’ll be worth more,’ said Mother May, ‘so it makes sense not to sell any now. It’s ridiculous to be sentimental about the trees, they were planted as an investment.’
‘But doesn’t the fact that he doesn’t want you to cut them down settle the matter — that he specially asked me — ’
‘Do not get the idea,’ said Mother May, ‘that you are a privileged messenger or interpreter of Jesse’s wishes. He talks all kinds of nonsense and forgets it the next moment. You are a newcomer here, an
outsider.
You are new to a very complex and in some ways very old situation. You are blundering about in something you do not understand. It is not your fault. But you must realise this and be guided by us. You are our
guest.’
‘I can’t understand your attitude to Jesse.’
‘We are certainly not going to explain it to you!’ said Bettina.
‘He says you don’t go to see him,’ said Edward to Ilona.
‘We don’t let her go,’ said Bettina.
‘Why?’
‘He lusts after her.’
‘Oh — heavens — ’
‘I
want
to see him,’ said Ilona, ‘I want to so
much
— I’ll go up with Edward — ’
‘No, you won’t,’ said Bettina.
‘He’s so helpless,’ said Edward, ‘I don’t see — ’
‘He’s not as helpless as you think,’ said Bettina, ‘sometimes he shams to put us off our guard.’
‘You said he goes out, and you don’t mind, you let him — ’
‘He could go anywhere,’ said Ilona, drying some brief tears.
‘Indeed he is much to be pitied,’ said Mother May, ‘he is full of impotent rage. There are no sane limits to the desire to conquer the world.’
‘He was a god and has cheated us by becoming a child. It is hard to forgive,’ said Bettina. ‘He is imprisoned in speechless-ness and cries with anger. To know so much and to be without words.’
‘That is why he goes into trance-like sleeps,’ said Mother May, ‘when he can no longer endure his consciousness.’
‘He really goes into suspended animation,’ said Ilona, ‘you’ll see.’
‘His soul wanders elsewhere,’ said Mother May. ‘He has always had this power, only now he uses it more often.’
‘Sometimes we think he’s dead,’ said Ilona, ‘only he isn’t. His mouth falls open and — ’
‘Oh do stop!’ said Edward.
‘He will decide to die one day,’ said Bettina, ‘like an old sick animal who seeks a place, perhaps chosen long ago — ’
‘But he is
not
old!’ said Edward.
‘He is older than you think,’ said Mother May, ‘with him, time is unreal. Of course his
charm
remains. He has charmed you. He may try to use you — ’
‘He’s
ill,
and he can be helped — ’
‘You keep saying so, but can you imagine him in a hospital ward?’
‘Are we to treat him like a sick dog that one takes to the vet?’ said Bettina
‘You don’t know him,’ said Mother May, ‘you don’t know his power, you have no conception of the greatness of his being.’
‘Are you telling me he’s still in charge!’
‘In an important sense, yes.’
‘You are saying contradictory things,’ said Edward. ‘You are confusing me, and you are doing it deliberately.’
‘We would be deceiving you,’ said Mother May, ‘if we pretended the matter was simple.’
‘He was a god in our lives,’ said Bettina. ‘Then he became a cruel mad god, and we had to restrain him.’
‘They left him to starve,’ said Ilona.
‘Ilona, stop gassing!’ said Bettina.
‘Naturally at times he resents us,’ said Mother May. ‘We appear as an alien authority, we represent the diminishing of his world, the loss of his talents, his dependence on others. We told you he once tried to destroy his paintings, break his sculptures.’
‘Hasn’t he a right to destroy his own work?’ said Edward.
‘No,’ said Bettina. ‘
Thank
.’
‘He is a supreme artist,’ said Mother May. ‘He has been forever recreating himself. We, taking part in this process, have also to be his guardians, and the guardians of his work. We are responsible to posterity.’
‘You need the money, is that it?’ said Edward. ‘Why don’t you show Jesse off to the tourists? He’s the most interesting exhibit here. They’d pay a lot to see him in one of his trances!’
‘Please don’t be offensive,’ said Mother May, ‘it doesn’t help any of us.’
‘You hide him away because he’s a wreck and not a big romantic genius figure any more, and you send round false reports — I read in a paper that he was still painting — and now you want me to be your accomplice — ’
‘I suggest we stop talking to Edward,’ said Bettina, ‘we have already said too much.’
‘You asked me here — ’ said Edward.
‘We asked you here,’ said Mother May, ‘because we read that a young man had been killed and people blamed you.’
‘You read
that
? No one ever suggested I was to blame.’
‘We may have misunderstood,’ said Bettina. ‘The point is we just wanted to do you a kindness.’
‘You mearr it wasn’t anything to do with Jesse?’
‘No, of course not,’ said Mother May.
There was a silence. The three women stared at Edward. He got up and walked away from the table, his sandals, Jesse’s sandals, which were a bit too big for him, tapping softly, audibly, on the slated floor.
When he got as far as Transition he realised that Ilona was following him. He went on and was about to go up the stairs, but changed his mind and went instead into the Harness Room, which he also thought of as the Spider Room. Ilona came in and shut the door after her. She began to speak rapidly.
‘Of course it was to do with Jesse, but it’s hard to explain. I think Mother May wanted a change, any change — ’
‘I’ve certainly upset the ecology.’
‘She wanted a new person around. They always wanted a son, not us girls. Only you’re no good, you’re too late, you weren’t there when you were needed and anyway you had the wrong mother, it’s all
mixed up
— ’
‘It certainly is.’
‘And Bettina and I have been here too long, we can’t help her, we’re just like cats that belong to the house. In a way Mother May is like a Penelope who wants Odysseus to go, to be off on his travels again — ’
‘He can’t go — ’
‘I don’t know, perhaps he can, he — ’
‘But
you
can go.’
‘I wanted to train as a dancer but he wouldn’t let me, he wanted me here, Bettina had a young man, or sort of, but it was impossible and she wanted to go to the university, Jesse stopped it all, and as it is we’re just bad painters, pretend artists — ’
‘Oh come, you’ve got your jewellery — ’
‘That’s rubbish, you know it is, you didn’t like it — ’

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