The Great Glowing Coils of the Universe (36 page)

It has been a joy to spend time working and living closely with the
Welcome to Night Vale
crew and the different guest musicians who have toured with us. It is surprising how easily we all get along, and it's inspiring to travel with a group in which everyone is always working on something interesting and making plans for new creative projects. In fact, I began working with Joseph Fink this year on one such project, a road trip–themed horror podcast called
Alice Isn't Dead
, whose story was heavily inspired by many of the experiences and atmospheres we encountered on the road. Meanwhile, Jeffrey Cranor is writing another new podcast with the music and audio production by Mary Epworth, a British psych rock musician who toured with us in 2015. I look forward to seeing what shape
Welcome to Night Vale
takes in the future, as we continue to develop both the podcast and live show, and to see the creative results that will arise from these other collaborations.

“THE DEBATE”

PERFORMED OCTOBER 10, 2013, AT ROULETTE, BROOKLYN, NEW YORK

CAST:

Cecil Baldwin—CECIL PALMER

Kevin R. Free—KEVIN

Mark Gagliardi—JOHN PETERS, ANNOUNCER/AD

Marc Evan Jackson—MARCUS VANSTON

Hal Lublin—ERIKA 1, STEVE CARLSBERG

Jackson Publick—HIRAM MCDANIELS

Annie Savage—DIANE CRAYTON, ERIKA 2

Mara Wilson—FACELESS OLD WOMAN

I
T'S GREAT BEING BOOED
.

When I first received the script for “The Debate,” I saw that I was playing a couple of characters: Erika the Angel and some guy named Steve Carlsberg. At that point, I had only listened to one or two episodes of the show, and hadn't heard Steve mentioned yet, so I had no idea who he was. All throughout the first show, leading up to my entrance I heard the audience going crazy for Cecil, going crazy for Jackson Publick, going crazy for Mara Wilson, and it made sense—they were famous people and well known within the world of the show. When I took the stage for my one line, I just wanted to make sure I gave Cecil something fun to play off of, because he had a great rant about me, after which I was supposed to exit.

I opened my mouth, said, “Hi, this is Steve Carlsberg—,” and then a wall of sound changed my life forever.

As a cast member of the
Thrilling Adventure Hour
, I've been fortunate to play in front of very generous crowds, but the wall of sound I encountered just by revealing which character I was took me completely by surprise. All of a sudden I felt like a basketball player who hit a last-second, game-winning shot. I'll never forget that.

I thought it would be fun to play the exit like I was the most positive person on earth, almost immune to Cecil's rancor. The audience ate it up. In between shows, Joseph casually said something to the effect of “I'm surprised that they didn't boo you. Steve Carlsberg is generally a disliked character.”

The audience for the second performance must have heard him.

When I made my entrance and identified myself, I was met first with a raucous wall of cheers, and then a downpour of boos. It's as if they first had to acknowledge that they were excited to see Steve Carlsberg given a voice, and then play their role of a disapproving mob. I loved every moment of it. Getting to play a character that elicits strong emotions in people is a privilege that not every actor gets. I relished the boos as much as the cheers.

Joseph and Jeffrey got me hooked on being Steve Carlsberg. I've had the privilege.

—Hal Lublin, Voice of Steve Carlsberg

About seven months into
Night Vale
's run, Ben Acker and Ben Blacker of the
Thrilling Adventure Hour
reached out to us to say (1) hey like your show/good work and (2) we'll be in New York City soon and would love to meet up. They quickly became champions of our little show and mentored us through some early stages of our show and our business.

I assume you know, but just in case you don't, the
Thrilling Adventure Hour
is a live comedy—audio recordings of these shows were made into a podcast—done in the style of the Golden Age of Radio. The acting ensemble—the WorkJuice Players—features some of the funniest people in Los Angeles. They helped us get some of our first live shows on the stage at Largo at the Coronet in West Hollywood, where
TAH
performed and recorded for years.

When we first met the Bens in the spring of 2013, we had not really done a full-fledged live
Night Vale
show. Later that October, around the weekend of New York ComicCon,
TAH
was returning to New York Comic Con for a live show at the Bell House and to attend the convention.

Night Vale
was putting on its own live show the night before
Thrilling Adventure Hour
's. We asked the Bens if any of the WorkJuice folks would be interested in being in a live
Night Vale
show. And five of their cast showed up: Annie Savage, Marc Evan Jackson, Jackson Publick, Mark Gagliardi, and Hal Lublin.

Joseph had written the
Condos
live script, so I led the charge in writing
The Debate
. It was our first show with such a large cast (additionally, Mara Wilson and Kevin R. Free joined us that night). Plus we had no characters for any of the WorkJuice crew, so I set to work figuring out how to take a show that was mostly a Cecil monologue and turn it into a show for eight actors.

Given his incredible voice work on his hilarious Adult Swim show,
The Venture Bros
., Jackson was obvious to play the five-headed dragon, Hiram McDaniels. And knowing Jackson would be involved help seal the deal that there would be a Hiram vs. Faceless Old Woman (played by Mara) debate that night.

But the rest of the casting was pretty much random. And thankfully it played out the way it did. Mark has remained our John Peters (you know, the farmer?) and Hal Lublin is the only man who could have ever played Steve Carlsberg. Marc was the billionaire turned angel Marcus Vanston and Annie was excellent as Diane Crayton, who later became one of the main characters of the first
Night Vale
novel.

Acker and Blacker helped us out in a lot of meaningful ways our first couple of years, but getting to work with these actors has been the best gift of all.

—Jeffrey Cranor

We found a little piece of heaven here. It is black, smooth, oblong. It hums a soft, but discordant note, and we are afraid to touch it.

WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE.

Listeners, we have a first here in Night Vale: a mayoral debate! Many of you know that Mayor Pamela Winchell will be stepping down soon and that this is entirely her own decision. She issues daily press releases in shaky, uncertain handwriting explaining (emphatically) that she made this choice on her own and that no one is soul-merging with her and forcing her to leave office. Each press release is signed “Yours truly (though not me truly), Pamela . . . PS:”, and then there's just a sticky black sludge for a PS.

And we have some new candidates for this coveted office, all of whom I am welcoming in the studio. This is a great day, the first ever mayoral debate the town has seen. Since this is America, and we are a democracy, mayors have always been chosen by counting and interpreting the loud pulses coming out of Hidden Gorge. That's still how it will be done, but we thought we'd offer a chance for citizens to hear from the candidates they'll have no impact on electing.

But first, this breaking news.

The City Council announced the closure of Route 800, for the following reason: deer. The City Council spoke in low singsongy chants, a steady digital bass ululation underneath their unified voice. They stood atop a makeshift pyramid built out of heavily charred copies of the official biography of Sean Penn, heroic mementos of our recent victory over the Night Vale Public Library, and announced that the deer have taught themselves advanced mathematics, telepathy, and short-range time travel.

No official word yet on what these deer have done to cause the only highway in and out of town to be shut down, but the council is asking anyone still out on the roads right now to please return home. If you are not a citizen of Night Vale but cannot currently get out of town to your home because of the road closings, then congratulations. You now live in Night Vale. Please pick up a new citizen welcome packet and mandatory orange poncho at City Hall.

Okay, listeners, it's time to introduce the candidates who will be taking part in our studio debate. First, someone I've known my whole life (and you have too): It's the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home. Welcome.

FACELESS OLD WOMAN:
Hello.

CECIL:
Where are you? I can hear you, but I can't see you.

FACELESS OLD WOMAN:
I'm behind you in a mirror. Just over your shoulder, in the distance. You'll see slight movements in the dark. You'll feel a single fingernail gently run along your cheek.

CECIL:
Faceless Old Woman. Can I call you Faceless Old Woman?

FACELESS OLD WOMAN:
I have a name, Cecil.

CECIL:
You do?

FACELESS OLD WOMAN:
Yes.

[
Long pause
]

CECIL:
Let's introduce our next candidate, and I'm so glad to finally meet this man, not man, no this person, not person, this entity: Hiram McDaniels. Hello, Hiram.

HIRAM-GOLD:
Hello.

CECIL:
You know, in the entirety of Night Vale's recorded history, there is no sign of a five-headed dragon ever running for mayor. So it hasn't happened in at least seven years!

HIRAM-GOLD:
I am thrilled to be breaking new ground for those of us who do not identify as human.

HIRAM-PURPLE:
We are thrilled.

HIRAM-GOLD:
Yes, my purple head brings up a good point, I also do not identify as a single being. I have five heads. You will notice that my opponents have one. One head each. Just one.

HIRAM-GREEN:
ONLY ONE HEAD. THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THINKING.

HIRAM-GOLD:
Well, Green head, not impossible, but certainly very difficult.

CECIL:
And speaking of your opponents, let's meet our last candidate for mayor. It's an honor to introduce our wealthiest citizen and now potential new mayor: billionaire Marcus Vanston. Welcome.

MARCUS:
Yep. Hey. I mean, whatever. All this. This is whatever. You know, I used to own a dragon.

HIRAM-GRAY:
Excuse me. What an inappropriate thing to say.

FACELESS OLD WOMAN:
I agree with Mr. McDaniels's gray head. Ownership of sentient life is cruel and unconscionable.

MARCUS:
Yeah, well it was great. It had eight heads though, not just five. I pretty much used it for commuting to work.

HIRAM-GREEN:
[
A howl/growl of rage, long and uncomfortable
]

[
Pause
]

CECIL:
Great! Let's get the debate started. We'll have opening statements as well as two rounds of questions. So, listeners, if you have a question, call now. Call silently to the sky with pleading eyes. When the birds come, you will feel your question has been received. You will not know for sure, because presumed knowledge is arrogance.

But first, let's pause for a quick word from our sponsors.

ANNOUNCER:
It's not easy starting a small business. There are a lot of things to worry about, like building a customer base, developing a strong product, wrestling with self-doubt, crying a lot, bleeding a little, looking up in the small hours at the sagging ceiling over your too-small bed thinking “Why? Why?,” being overrun by rats and worms, and discovering that you are just matter, just rotting organic matter, fated to feed the earth and trees. Yes, there are so many concerns facing small businesses, Web design shouldn't be one of them.

Want a simple, low-cost, and beautifully designed Web solution for your small business? Well, do you? It doesn't sound like you do, actually. I'm looking at your Web page right now, and it's lovely. Really smooth, really easy to navigate. It looks like you put a lot of thought into this, and you don't need our help. We won't even tell you who we are because we don't want to pressure you into changing what you've already done with your website. It's perfect.

Wow. Good job. We. Just. Wow. Sorry to have interrupted. I just want to say: You're really good at Web design. Much better than us. Carry on, I guess.

CECIL:
Let's get to our opening statements. You have two minutes each. Faceless Old Woman.

FACELESS OLD WOMAN:
Night Vale, I want to be your mayor. Who better to serve as leader of a town than the one person who lives secretly in the home of every single resident? I know each and every one of you personally, intimately. Mike Numminen? You need to discipline your children more. Claire Franklin, tell Eva you love her. It's been three years, and you need to take this seriously. Felicia Jackson, there is an enormous spider on the back of your dress right this very moment. You should probably change clothes before you leave the house. Change clothes slowly.