The Guestbook (19 page)

And the other woman?

Try to avoid her as much as I possibly can. She’s American so it’s a good thing that I’m over here for a few months.

Wednesday

Thursday:

Friday:

Hi.

Hello.

You’re still not writing anything?

It’s hard to know what to write.

You’re a writer!

What I want to write and what I’m allowed to write are two very different things.

How you doing?

I ache. Every part of me aches.

Why do you ache?

Er… New exercise routine. I’ve been at it every day this week and last week. I’m exhausted, but that good exhausted feeling you get when you’ve been down the gym. You know ultimately that it’s good for you.

You don’t need to lose any weight Annie, maybe you need to lay off the exercise for a while.

NO! No, it’s fun, I love it. And I’m not doing it to lose weight, it’s erm… purely to get fitter.

Build your stamina? You probably could do with doing that. Have a rest this weekend and start again next week.

Good idea. Though I will miss doing it this weekend, it’s become quite addictive.

I’ll see you Monday.

Stay away from strange men.

What about the fit ones?

That’s allowed.

Well the one that you saw Saturday night is allowed, the one that makes you smile, not a string of different fit ones.

Just the one, I promise.

**********

17
^th
– 20
^th
October

Matt, Emily and Mia Taylor

HI ANNIE. THANKS FOR THE BUG STUFF FOR THE GIRLS, THEY’LL HAVE GREAT FUN CATCHING THE BUGS AND LOOKING AT THEM UNDER THE MICROSCOPE. EMILY WANTS TO SAY THANK YOU FOR THE CHOCOLATE BUTTONS YOU LEFT TOO, THOUGH I’VE SAID THEY CAN HAVE THEM ON SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN WE HAVE MOVIE NIGHT.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CARD YOU SENT LAST YEAR TOO. SORRY I DIDN’T REPLY, I FOUND IT HARD ENOUGH TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING. THE GIRLS WERE THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME GOING.

EVERY CARD SAID THE SAME THING, HOW SORRY PEOPLE WERE, HOW IF THERE WAS ANYTHING THEY COULD DO TO LET THEM KNOW. NO ONE UNDERSTOOD THAT MY HEART HAD ACTUALLY STOPPED BEATING. YOU GOT IT THOUGH. YOU’VE BEEN THERE. YOUR CARD MEANT SO MUCH.

IN SOME WAYS YOU PROBABLY HAD IT HARDER. WITH THE GIRLS I HAD A REASON TO GET UP IN THE MORNING, I HAD TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER FOR THEM. THEY WERE TOO YOUNG TO PROPERLY GRIEVE AND SO REALLY THERE WAS NO TIME FOR ME TO DO SO. ICE SKATING LESSONS, HORSE RIDING LESSONS AND DANCE CLASSES CONTINUED AS NORMAL. I COULDN’T LIE AND WALLOW IN SELF-PITY, THERE WAS NEVER TIME. YOU HAD NO ONE TO LIVE FOR. HOW YOU PICKED YOURSELF UP AND CARRIED ON WHEN THERE WAS NO REASON TO, I’LL NEVER KNOW. I COMPLETELY ADMIRE YOU FOR THAT.

MATT

I think you had it worse. To have to explain to your kids that Mummy was never coming home, I don’t know how you even began that conversation. And you have done such a wonderful job with them in the last year; they are polite, happy, friendly, beautiful girls. Cara would have been so proud. So many families fall apart after a death in the family and I think you are amazing for keeping yours together on your own.

And I wasn’t alone after Nick’s death; I had a lot of support from friends. My best friend was the thing I got out of bed for. He gave me something to live for.

Hi Annie, thanks for the sweets and the bugscope is so cool. It seems weird to be here; the last time we came we were a proper family. Daddy asked if we wanted to come back or whether it would bring back too many sad memories. But we had fun here and me and Mia thought that we could have fun here again. Daddy has been sad since Mummy died. He tries really hard not to show it, but I can see it in his eyes.

You seem happier now than last time we were here. Your eyes aren’t sad anymore and you are smiling a lot. I wonder if Daddy will ever be happy again.

Emily.

Hi Emily.

It’s good to see you all again.

The first year is the hardest. It gets slightly easier after that. Your Dad will still love and miss your Mum every day but he will smile again and one day the smile will actually meet his eyes. But he is so lucky to have such wonderful girls in his life. I know your love and hugs will continue to make him smile and make him stronger.

If you want you and Mia can always come round and play with my new puppy Dash. I’m trying to train him but it’s not working that well. Maybe you can help me.

Thanks for letting us play with Dash today. He is very cute, he even made Daddy smile for a few seconds.

SATURDAY:

TIME FOR SOME QUALITY FAMILY TIME ON THE BEACH.

WE HAVE HAD A LOVELY DAY AT THE BEACH, MAKING SANDCASTLES, EATING ICE CREAM AND PLAYING IN THE SEA. THE GIRLS WERE TEACHING ME HOW TO BODY BOARD. I FORGET SOMETIMES HOW MUCH FUN THE GIRLS ARE AND I NEED TO REMEMBER THAT THEY NEED THAT. I’M SO GLAD WE CAME. IN ACTUAL FACT IT HAS BEEN QUITE CATHARTIC. WE HAVE SPENT TIME TODAY TALKING ABOUT CARA AND THE HAPPY MEMORIES WE HAVE OF THIS PLACE. WE NEED TO REMEMBER THOSE TOO AND NOT JUST FOCUS ON HOW MUCH WE MISS HER.

Movie night now. Finding Nemo, Lion King and Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire. We are sharing a big bowl of popcorn and sitting underneath the duvet together on the sofa.

AND CHOKLUT BUTENS.

MIA XXXXXXX

THE GIRLS ARE IN BED NOW AFTER OUR MARATHON MOVIE SESSION. I FEEL I CAN BREATHE HERE. I THINK I’VE BEEN HOLDING MY BREATH FOR THE LAST YEAR AND NOW I CAN FINALLY LET IT GO. FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY, THE PAIN IN MY CHEST HAS LESSENED SLIGHTLY. THE GIRLS ARE A PART OF THAT, THEIR CONTINUED LOVE AND SUPPORT. ANNIE IS A PART OF IT TOO. SHE HAS BEEN SO KIND, SO SUPPORTIVE. WHEN I’VE TALKED TO HER SHE REALLY LISTENS. I THINK IT’S AS IMPORTANT FOR ME TO GET SOME QUALITY TIME THIS WEEKEND AS IT IS FOR ME TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH THE GIRLS.

SUNDAY:

WE WENT TO SEE THE SEALS THIS MORNING, THE GIRLS AND CARA LOVED IT LAST TIME WE WERE HERE, THEIR ENTHUSIASM FOR IT HASN’T WANED ANY. SPENT SOME MORE TIME ON THE BEACH TODAY. WE MADE SAND ANGELS IN THE WET SAND. CARA USED TO LOVE DOING THAT. MIA SAID THAT SHE THOUGHT MUMMY WOULD BE WATCHING US FROM HEAVEN AND SMILING THAT WE DID THAT. IF THERE IS A HEAVEN THEN I BET SHE IS TOO.

THE GIRLS ARE IN BED NOW. THIS WEEKEND HAS BEEN SO GOOD FOR THEM. IT’S BEEN GOOD FOR US ALL. I THINK WE WILL COME AGAIN, BUT NOT WAIT UNTIL NEXT YEAR THIS TIME; MAYBE WE CAN MAKE THIS A REGULAR EVENT.

I’M ENJOYING A GLASS OF WINE. I HAVEN’T DRUNK ANYTHING SINCE CARA DIED, I DIDN’T WANT TO FALL INTO THE TRAP OF THINKING THAT ALCOHOL WOULD TAKE THE PAIN AWAY. THE GIRLS NEED ME; THEY DON’T NEED A DEPRESSIVE DRUNK.

ANNIE IS IN HER GARDEN ALSO ENJOYING A GLASS OF WINE. I’LL INVITE HER IN TO SHARE ONE WITH ME. THERE IS SOMETHING QUITE SAD ABOUT DRINKING ALONE.

MONDAY:

ANNIE I’M SO SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT. IT SEEMS MY TOLERANCE FOR ALCOHOL HAS COMPLETELY GONE IF I’M DRUNK AFTER JUST TWO GLASSES. I’M SORRY I KISSED YOU. YOU’VE JUST BEEN SO SWEET AND YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY GETS WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH. I THINK I THOUGHT, I DON’T KNOW, THAT MAYBE WE COULD HELP EACH OTHER. I THINK I WAS JUST FEELING A BIT NEEDY. I HOPE THIS WON’T AFFECT OUR FRIENDSHIP.

Daddy! You kissed Annie? Are you two going to get married? Annie is lovely but I’m not sure I want a new Mommy yet.

HONEY, NO. ME AND ANNIE ARE NOT GOING TO GET MARRIED. I WAS JUST FEELING A BIT SAD AND REACHED OUT TO ANNIE FOR COMFORT. WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS PROPERLY.

Matt, I just came round to see if you were ok after last night. Please don’t worry about kissing me. Of course it won’t affect our friendship.

You are a wonderful, very handsome, sweet and kind man. The way you are with the girls is amazing. Under normal circumstances I would certainly be kissing you back.

I’m sort of seeing someone and although it’s very early days I really think this is the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. He has put a huge smile back on my face, one which hasn’t really been there for over two years. I love him. I’m sorry. I hope one day you will find the right woman that will put the smile back on your face too.

Emily, I’m sure Daddy has explained this to you but we are just friends and sometimes friends do hug and kiss each other. I promise you we won’t get married. But one day Daddy might find someone he can love again, someone he can marry. I hope you can love her too, because she would have to be very special to deserve someone as lovely as your Daddy.

THANKS ANNIE. I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR YOU AND YOUR MAN.

Thanks Annie, we will see you and Dash soon.

I LOVE DASH XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**********

20
^th
– 24
^th
October

Oliver
Butterworth
Black

What’s this? I’ve been gone for one weekend and already you’ve been kissing another man. What about the fit man that you are ‘sort of’ seeing? How do you think he feels about this?

I would hope that he would be mature enough to realise that I didn’t kiss Matt; he kissed me, that’s two very different things. I would hope that, unlike you, he wouldn’t act like a complete child. Matt has lost his wife, and I don’t know if you remember what that feels like, the pain of losing someone you love, but I do. I know that after Nick died I just wanted to be held, to be cuddled, to be stroked, because if I could feel that, then I knew I was still alive. I knew that if there was someone in this world that cared enough for me to hold me in his arms for six months then there was actually something worth living for. Matt doesn’t have that. He has his girls, but it’s not the same. Besides you will see, if you bothered to read the rest of Matt’s messages, that I said the reason I didn’t kiss him back was because I’m in love with the man I’m ‘sort of’ seeing.

Sorry. I didn’t mean… I’m sorry x

Apology accepted. Now if you’ve finished sulking I have a problem in my bedroom you might be able to help me with.

Ok, ok, I’m coming…

Tuesday:

Things are going very well lately. Better than well. The high point of my life.

Things getting better with Vivienne then?

No, sadly that isn’t going well.

The sales of your latest book? I see you got excellent reviews for Veiled in Darkness. You must be really pleased.

Yes I am pleased. Yes of course that’s what I’m talking about.

Stop grinning at me or I’ll give you something to wipe the smile off your face.

I can’t help it, you make me laugh.

How are things with your new man? I haven’t met him yet, he does seem to stay away when I’m around. Is he scared of me?

Things are good. He’s just very busy.

What is it that he does?

Don’t start.

I’m interested.

He’s my personal trainer.

Oh he’s the one that’s making you ache, making you do all that exercise.

Yep, he makes me work up a sweat.

Urgh, I wish I hadn’t asked.

Wednesday:

Saw Annie with a very fit man this morning. Looks like he works out a lot. Wonder if this is her new mystery man.

That was Barney, not so much my new man, more my old one.

He didn’t look very old. He looked very, very good looking.

Barney? Yes he is. But the man I’m with is much better looking than him.

Better looking than Barney. Good lord, the man must be a God!

Some say so, yes.

I like what you did there.

And in the bedroom my new man is amazing, I doubt Barney could compete.

Sounds like you’re only with him because of his body and the sex. There’s more to a relationship than that.