Authors: Talli Roland
Tags: #Humor & Entertainment, #Humor, #Romance, #Contemporary, #Romantic Comedy
Oh
, dear Lord, Mattie muttered to herself. Where had they found this idiot? On Mars? Who the hell didn’t know what lingerie was?
Seamus
looked just as disbelieving as Mattie. ‘Lingerie,’ he said, spit flying everywhere. ‘You know – corsets, brassieres, panties, stay-ups . . .’ he stopped as someone yelled so loudly into his earpiece that it hurt Mattie’s ears.
‘
Why don’t you just tell us what your favourite colour is?’
‘
Ah, yes,’
said the robot voice. ‘I prefer the woman to be wearing nothing. Naked.’ Although the monotone voice was flat, the cadence of his words made Mattie think he was a foreigner. Either that or he had the IQ of a lump of coal – something she wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss given that Nate chose him.
Mattie turned back towards
Seamus and racked her brain for another risqué question. In spite of her best efforts, this was getting so predictable. She’d have to come up with something that would really make men squirm.
‘
Next question, Mattie?’
‘
Bachelor Number Three
,’ Mattie said. ‘How many women have you slept with?’
The crowd rustled and murmured.
There
was silence, then: ‘I’ve not slept with a woman yet. I’m saving myself for the perfect one.’
The muttering from the audience swelled and Mattie’s eyebrows nearly
reached her hairline. Imagine, in this day and age, saving yourself for one woman. That idiot man probably thought it was romantic. Obviously he didn’t realise women would actually run screaming, probably to the nearest airport, when they found out he was a virgin. Of course, there was the distinct possibility he resembled the missing link and finding a woman desperate enough to sleep with him was as unlikely as that tubby Nate developing a fashion sense.
God, this was really tiresome. ‘Bachelor Number Four,’ Mattie said, without waiting for Seamus, who was now becoming overly familiar with his host’s podium. ‘When did you last cheat on your girlfriend?’ Because they all did, of course.
The lights on Pod Four
had only just started flashing when Bachelor Number Four said: ‘Actually, I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend. She thought I did, but I didn’t.’
Mattie shifted on the stool
. Yeah, right. Same old pathetic story. She plodded through another round of questions, trying her best to spice things up as Seamus got progressively droopier. The control room were shouting blue murder through the earpiece, which he still hadn’t bothered to put back in.
Finally, when she’d
questioned all the men for a second time, Seamus straightened up. ‘So, Mattie, which one will it be for tomorrow’s date?’
M
attie shrugged. Who cared? They were all equally foul sounding. ‘Number One, I guess.’ If she remembered correctly, he was the ‘giver’, probably the easiest man of the four to walk all over. She’d have no problem dealing with him.
‘
Bachelor Number One
? Come meet Mattie Johns . . . again!’
Again? What did that
mean, again?
Applause and
cheers from the audience swirled around her as Mattie swivelled towards Pod One.
The pod
door swung open and a wiry man with floppy hair emerged. From where she was sitting, Mattie could only see that his shoulder-length hair had highlights – a sure sign of a preening prima donna.
He turned towards her and Mattie’s mouth dropped open.
It wasn’t some hideous anonymous stranger Nate had pulled out from under a rock. It was hideous
Charlie
. The boy (now man) who’d humiliated her in front of the whole school by getting busy with Kwong at the prom. The
gay
man she’d outed!
She snapped her mouth closed and arranged her face in a smile as he walked towards her. It had been ten years since sh
e’d last seen him, but even encased in a designer suit he looked as juvenile as ever. Back in secondary school, he’d have fit right in with a quiff-sporting boy band, but now he just looked like an overgrown teen trying to dress like his dad. He was carrying a bizarre-looking clutch of deep-purple flowers she’d never seen before.
Those
were meant to impress her? They looked like weeds.
‘
Hello, Mattie,’ he said in his soft
breathless voice, the same voice that used to drive her mental.
She looked down at the hand he extended and took his soft palm in hers. He was even better moisturised than she was! She squeezed his hand and thumped it up and down.
‘
Charlie. It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?’ She tried to make her voice sound normal, conscious of all the cameras around her, but it came out sounding slightly strangled.
Bloody Nate, spr
inging this on her. Then again, it did make sense. These kinds of shows always had an ex pop out at some stage, didn’t they? They certainly could have done a lot worse than Charlie. Nate was obviously missing the gaydar gene, she sniggered to herself.
‘
It’s been too long.’ Charlie’s thin lips were smiling but Mattie noticed his eyes were hard. Maybe he had manned up after all, she thought. She’d never seen Charlie get angry; even when she outed him, he’d just run off without confronting her.
‘
Here. This is for you.’ The audience
oohed and awed as he handed her the bunch of flowers. Their scent was foreign and she wondered if they were popular with the gay community. She struggled to keep the smirk off her face as she remembered Charlie’s words about being ‘the giver’. It was obvious what he’d meant by that now!
‘
How sweet.’ Seamus leaned his weight on the podium and wiped his mouth with a loud slurping sound. ‘So our sexy single Mattie Johns has chosen Bachelor Number One, Charlie Robbins, for her first date. Tune in tomorrow at eight to learn more about Charlie, watch their date unfold, then make your Date Rate! Plus see who Mattie chooses for her next date!’
Seamus
burped. ‘Thank you for watching . . .’
‘
The Hating Game
!’ the crowd screamed, egged on by the floor manager.
The audience
continued to cheer as a giant monitor Mattie hadn’t noticed before lit up with
The Hating Game
written across it in a sickly sweet purple font – the same shade as the flowers she was holding.
What the hell was
The Hating Game
? Wasn’t the show supposed to be called
Second Chance for Romance
or something equally insipid? She cast a suspicious glance towards the other pods on the stage. Oh no. Who else was in there?
‘
Do you know who the other men are?’ she hissed at Charlie
, smiling into the camera as the floor manager counted them out.
But Charlie didn’t answer. Useless as ever, Mattie thought, looking at the wilted flowers in her hand. Revolting things.
‘
And we’re out
!’ the floor manager yelled as the on-air studio light switched off. The bright lights onstage dimmed and for the first time Mattie was able to see beyond the gleaming eyes of the audience to where Jess was sitting in the front row. Thank God! Mattie couldn’t wait to dissect the show and talk about just who else might be in those pods – if she didn’t find out first by getting Nate in a headlock.
Jess’
s face was bright red – a sure sign she was anxious about something – and she was motioning that she’d wait for Mattie outside the studio. Mattie nodded as a production assistant wrestled Mattie’s mic out from under her skin-tight top.
When she turned back, Charlie had disappeared and Nate was helping
Seamus off the stage. It was now or never, Mattie thought, edging towards the pods.
‘
Hello there!’ she heard a voice behind her. ‘
You must be Mattie.’
Shit.
She turned to face a man with hair that looked like it had been suctioned up by a Hoover then spat out again. So much for her sleuthing mission.
‘
Yes, and?’ M
attie’s lip curled reflexively. She’d worked with enough idiots to spot one coming from miles away. Shame this one was only a few metres from her and rapidly advancing.
‘
I’m Baz. I’m working with Nate as producer on the series.’
Mattie shrugged
. ‘Here, take these.’ She shoved the purple flowers towards him. He stepped back and the flowers fell on the floor.
‘
Sorry, I’m allergic to flowers,’ he said.
Mattie eyed the blossoms. Was there a reason this fool wouldn’t touch them? What kind of flowers
were
these exactly?
She bent down and snapped off a blossom, shoving it in her pocket. Jess was into flowers and gardening, all that stuff. She might know.
‘
Just don’t, er, eat it,’ Baz said.
‘
I’m not going to eat a fucking flower, mate,’ Mattie said. ‘Nice to meet you, now bugger off.’
But Baz didn’
t move. ‘Actually, we need to run through what’s happening tomorrow. Let me get Nate.’
‘
Oh, yes please. Get Nate.
You can both explain to me what the bloody hell
The Hating Game
is!’ Mattie couldn’t wait to let the two of them have it for changing the contracted show
and
bringing Charlie on!
‘
Nate, where the hell are you?’ Baz said into his headset. ‘We need you, now.’
Nate lurched over, his man-boobs jiggling as he panted. Dark patches stained his shirt under his armpits and chest. Mattie grimaced. If there was one thing she hated more than a fat man, it was a fat
sweaty
man.
‘
Sorry, sorry,’ he said, running a hand through Chia-pet hair and pushing up his spectacles. ‘Seamus has been sick and I had to get him cleaned up.’ The smell of vomit wafted from him and Mattie stepped back in disgust. Could this evening become any viler?
‘
Jesus
.’ Baz wrinkled his nose and moved beside Mattie. ‘Right, we need to go through tomorrow. Nate, you and the cameraman . . .’ Baz glanced at his clipboard, ‘ah, Ram, will pick up Mattie in the car. You’ll do the brief Q&A with Mattie on her history with Charlie as you drive to the site.’
‘
Um, hello?’ Mattie waved her hand in front of Baz’
s face. ‘You’re both assuming I want to carry on with this fiasco. After everything that’s happened tonight, I’m not sure I want to continue.’ There was no way she was going to drop out, of course, but she wanted to show them they couldn’t just spring surprises like Charlie on her.
Nate’s face flushed even redder. ‘You have to!’ He scrambled around in his pocket then thumbed through the papers on his clipboard. ‘I can’t find it. You show her, Baz. Show her the contract.’
‘
Screw
the contract,’ Mattie said as Baz quickly flipped to it and pointed out a line that said she had to adhere to any and all filming schedules for the duration of the series, and that SiniStar reserved the right to change the series title at any time.
‘
But you have to comply
! It’s a legal document!’ Nate looked like he was going to have a heart attack.
‘
Shut up, Nate,
’ Baz said. ‘She’ll be there tomorrow.’ He turned to Mattie. ‘We’ll pick you up at nine.’ He gave her a sickly smile. ‘And don’t worry, we’ll go over everything then.’
Mattie
rolled her eyes. Bloody idiot, like she’d trust Spaz – or whatever his name was – as far as she could throw him. Thank God for Jess. She’d grill her tonight for every last detail
and
watch the playback. When tomorrow rolled around, she’d be the one in control, just wait and see.
Mattie snatched the sheet from Baz and strode off the set without another word.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Ten per
cent of women duck out on a date if the man fails to live up to expectations;
t
wenty per cent of men ditch a blind date the second they see her.
NATE DARTED INTO THE MEN’S
toilet and splashed cold water on his face. So much for being in control, he thought, water dripping down his cheeks. He’d just let Baz tell him to shut up, without even defending himself. And he hadn’t even got the chance to have a go at Mattie for changing all his questions. God only knew what Silver would say about the questions Mattie
had
asked.
Nate sighed as he plucked his damp T-shirt off his skin, grimacing as a foul odour drifted off it. He’d thought this job wouldn’t involve any more puke – what a joke. Of course, as EP, it shouldn’t. As usual, he ended up doing the dirty work, while someone else – Baz – got all the glory.
You’d think after Kira, you’d smarten up, mate, he said to himself in the mirror. Stop letting everyone walk all over you.