The Haunting Within (13 page)

39

A long time ago Debbie made the conscious decision to move out as soon as she turned sixteen. For her, the day of her sixteenth birthday couldn’t come soon enough. Although it didn’t happen on that day she knew it was just a matter of time. Not long and she would be out of the hell hole she had been unfortunate enough to call home for all of her young life. She had been saving up for what felt like forever. While her friends spent their money on makeup and going out, Debbie had saved every penny she had, her only thing to look forward to was being able to finally get away from her father. She did, but she had very little money and nowhere to go. Her father flatly refused to help her so she had no choice but to go it alone. She ended up in a hostel for a while. It wasn’t a very nice place, but it gave her chance to be alone and at peace with herself. She would see a lot of people come and go, but mostly kept to herself. There were a lot of children in the hostel and she would speak to these timid little souls whenever she saw them, but apart from that she had no-one. She found herself a job cleaning in a café. The pay wasn’t very good, but at least she had an income to live on. Also, she was permitted to take home any leftover food that would otherwise rot. She would get in from work every day and cook herself a measly dinner from the café’s leftover’s that usually consisted of either pasta or potatoes, mainly, then she would set about tidying up her small home. It was a bit of a grubby place, nothing much to look at and she didn’t own a lot, but what she did have she took great care of. Even though it was an extremely cramped one-room-for-everything place, she loved it. She didn’t even mind sharing the communal shower and toilet with everyone else who dwelt in the run-down building. She kept in touch with her parents by writing to them every so often. She constantly felt guilty about leaving her poor mother alone with
him
, but she had to get out. After a few months of cleaning at the café, the owner, once he’d noticed how good a worker she was, offered her a job as a waitress. The money was better and the work was easier, not
easy
but easier. It was nice to leave work without having red-raw skin on her hands from all the harsh chemicals she had to use, day in, day out, but she would often help Annie, the new cleaner who had been hired to do Debbie’s old job. Annie was a very shy, awkward girl who only spoke when spoken to, but she and Debbie got on just fine. Kindred spirits Debbie liked to think of them. Annie looked up to Debbie and often asked her advice on how to get rid of grease stains or whatever else was bothering her. Because she was so timid she would often get upset over little things like the state of the toilets come Monday morning and end up crying on Debbie’s shoulder, worrying that she would lose her job. Debbie always managed to calm her down and they became firm friends. She even asked Annie to be Godmother to Lisa and Aiden and she tearfully accepted. The children had always loved Aunty Annie and her home-made cookies. Annie was the closest friend Debbie had ever had.

It was while she was working as a waitress that she met her children’s father, John. Oh, he was so handsome with his dark brown hair and his rich chocolate brown eyes. All the other waitresses swooned after him; only, he didn’t seem to notice any of the other waitresses, only Debbie. He was a regular customer and would come in for a fry-up in his lunch hour. He was unshaven in a rough and appealing way. His hands were big and strong and his nails were always dirty from his work at a construction yard around the corner. His hair was unkempt but it suited him. He could not have been more achingly good-looking if he tried. Jess, who had become one of Debbie’s friends at work pulled her to one side one day to tell her that “that little dish over there” had asked specifically for Debbie to take his order. She had been so embarrassed by this that she didn’t want to go, but Jess eventually talked her into it. She self-consciously walked over to his table where he sat alone reading a newspaper, with her head down and her cheeks burning. She hoped that if she kept her head down as much as possible that her shoulder-length hair would hide her blushing red cheeks. She could feel the strength of his stare penetrating her being. It was like he was reaching inside her and touching her soul, her very core. She sensed the electricity between them and it made her all the more shy and insecure. Building up all the courage she possessed she asked him if she could take his order in a shaky, almost whisper of a voice. His voice was deep and raspy and made her feel weak at the knees. The attraction was so strong she could barely stand it. When she had taken his order of a full English with a coffee - black, no sugar - she asked him if he wanted anything else. To this day she remembered his chat-up line. He had replied with a self-confident and alluring smile “A date with you would be nice.” And he had given her a little wink. She remembered now how she felt when he said this and her heart began beating harder in her chest. She hadn’t known what to say as she stood at his table with her legs about to give way under her so he repeated his reply and added “I would love for you to come out with me.” She saw the open honesty in his face and something made her say yes to him. Up until this day she had never heard a more corny chat-up line, but, corny or not, it worked.

When she told her parents she was dating her mother’s solitary smile told Debbie she was pleased for her, but her father called her “a little tart” but she was in love and for the first time in her life she didn’t care what he thought of her. She had someone else to love her now. After they had been dating for almost a year they moved in together. Her father was not happy about that. Living together out of wedlock was an embarrassment to him. John was earning a decent wage as an architectural engineer and Debbie took on a second job as a nursery assistant so they could afford their little comfy home. They had waited until they had moved into their home to make love for the first time. Oh she was so nervous! She had never been intimate with anyone before, never had a boyfriend in all her life. She didn’t know what to do, nor what to expect, but John had been so gentle with her, caressing her, making her feel loved and wanted and when they finally made love, she felt like this was how it was meant to be, that she and John had been made for each other, a perfect fit. Her feelings overwhelmed her as she allowed him to become part of herself, as she became part of him. As she shed the years of awkwardness and uncertainty; she felt something she had never experienced before. She felt free! John had released her from her nightmare, he was her prince and as she soared to the dizzying heights of ecstasy with him she had never felt so at peace within herself. Debbie remembered how, the first time since she and John had made love that she visited her parents, she was fearful that her father would notice the change in her. Not a physical change, but slightly mental and definitely emotional, and that he would know why she had changed, that he would call her all those horrible names again. So she quenched her new found thirst for life and continued on her journey. As it turned out, if he did notice a change in her he declined to mention it, much to her relief.

They had married three years after they moved in together and although Debbie’s parents did not attend she completely forgave her mother. After all she knew he would have been the one who refused to show up. In their third year of marriage Debbie had fallen pregnant. She made the decision to give the child,
her child
everything she possibly could and let them do everything she was never allowed to. When Lisa was born it was the happiest day of her life. It made it all the more difficult to understand how her father could be like he was to her though. Holding Lisa who was just a minute or two old she couldn’t ever imagine harming her, or letting any harm come to her.

They were happily married, or so she thought, until John walked out on them when she was carrying Aiden. She hated him for that. Of course she still loved him, he was the father of her two children if you could class him as a father, and the only man she had ever loved, ever been intimate with, but she despised him so much. She had come to the conclusion that all men were the same. Not one of them would think twice before walking out on his child, his own flesh and blood. Of course, Debbie and John had had their arguments, what married couple doesn’t? But to leave her with two babies to bring up and provide for was unforgiveable in her opinion. From then on Debbie raised her children alone and made all the decisions concerning them alone. Luckily she had always made the right decisions until now. She had never dated again since John, not that she didn’t get any offers. Although she didn’t know it she was a very attractive woman and there had been no shortage of admirers over the years. It was just that she didn’t want to get involved again, for many reasons. She couldn’t take the rejection again if it all went wrong and besides, she lived for her children. They were all she wanted and she didn’t have time for a man. The main reason though was that she had never fully gotten over John. She still loved him with all of her heart and she was certain that no other man would live up to John, or at least, her version of John. She knew she would never find the same love or passion with anyone else so she didn’t see the point in trying. Her feelings towards him veered from extreme to extreme. It depended on her mood but sometimes she could still feel the overwhelming love for him, yet at other times she despised him with such a passion it scared her. She was often lonely, especially at night when she was in bed with no-one to cuddle up to and no-one to help her through her nightmares.

The terrifying noise that would send chills down her spine when she was a child was in the distance. She thought she was imaging it but when she snapped back from her reverie she realised she wasn’t imagining it at all. The noise that she loathed could be heard from upstairs. It was the sound of her father coughing. For as long as she could remember he had always had a hacking cough, the sort of cough were you could hear the mucus rattling on the chest. He would cough like that to get rid of the phlegm which clung to his lungs. It was a disgusting sound that had for many years invaded most of her thoughts and her dreams. Though it seemed to be silly to be scared of a seemingly innocuous noise, she was frightened because that’s when she knew her father was coming. The cough was getting louder now.

Lisa and Aiden! Oh my God, where are they?
She screamed frantically in her mind.

40

Panic started to take over her as she dashed into the lounge trying to find them before
he
did.

Her little girl was just disappearing into the inner corridor as Debbie entered the lounge. She could just see the back of Lisa’s best pink frilly dress and her long golden blonde ponytail swinging from side to side as she walked. She had specifically dressed them in their best clothes for today’s visit because her father was always insistent he liked to see people well dressed. He couldn’t stand to see children dressed raggedly or see them with dirty faces. He couldn’t stand to see them as what they were; children. That was what it boiled down to. He felt contempt for most people, but he held children in even lower regard than any other living thing. That was how it seemed to Debbie. Aiden wasn’t in the lounge Debbie knew that he would already be in the dining room ahead of Lisa. He always was the most inquisitive of the two, never one to stand about, always wanting to be off exploring and Lisa always followed her brother, encouraged by his sense of adventure, being quite curious herself, but not daring enough to go first. Debbie loved her children with every piece of her being; they were such great kids. Never naughty, just nosy, just children really, but Debbie knew her father would be very angry if he found them wandering through his house.

She rushed through the lounge and crossed the corridor into the dining room. There they both were, looking in amazement at everything in the room. Neither of them had ever seen such magnificence before. They weren’t touching anything, they knew better than to go to someone’s home and touch, they didn’t even touch Debbie’s ornaments. She had raised them well, raised them with a tremendous amount of love and affection and it showed. They respected everyone, were never in trouble at school, but Debbie was wise enough to know that would more than likely change once they hit their teens. She didn’t mind though, they were a strong family unit and they would get through anything as long as they had each other. She just hoped they would get through what would probably their toughest challenge ever; today.

“What did I tell you two?” As Debbie spoke her children jumped, startled by the fact that they were not alone as they thought they were.

“Sorry mummy. We just wanted to see, that’s all. We never touched anything, honest!” Aiden apologised for them both.

“I know you didn’t. Just come through to the front room and sit down and don’t touch anything. I will be back in a minute with your grandfather.”

She went into the hall to wait obediently for him like a dog waits for its master, a knot of fear in her stomach at seeing this man again. Wringing her hands she looked up at the stairs and there he was. Standing there, looking down at her, expressionless. Slowly he walked with his back ram-rod straight down the staircase towards her. She barely dared to meet his gaze and it was only when he stood before her and spoke in such a terse tone that she raised her eyes to his.

“Hello Deborah” his voice boomed out.

Unconsciously she flinched. “Hello Father.” It came out as almost a whisper. Clearing her throat she attempted to sound stronger than she felt. “How are you?” she ventured.

“Deborah, do not pretend that you are here to see how I am. I have no interest in making small talk with you. You know how I feel.”

She listened as much as she possibly could but found it very difficult to concentrate when her children sat just one room away in silence. She could feel their fear. It was like an invisible rope attached to her from them and every bit of emotion ran through it like messages on nerve impulses that were sent to your brain. Her children were scared and they needed her but she could not go to them. Not until
He
gave her permission.

In the lounge the children held their breath listening to their grandfathers’ loud voice through the walls. They could not hear their mother’s responses, only the ticking of the clock when their grandfather wasn’t speaking. Although they did not fully understand the context of what he said, they knew that he did not want their mother there. Probably did not want them there either. They listened on, not daring to move or to speak. Out in the hall the conversation went on.

“Would you of gone the rest of your life, indeed the rest of
my
life without ever coming here again Deborah? What kind of a daughter does that? What kind of a daughter keeps her children away from their grandfather?!”

With her lips almost numb from fear she barely managed to utter a reply “What did you expect Father?”

“What did I expect?!” he repeated incredulous. Shaking his head he said “I expected more from you Deborah. Much more. I am finding it difficult tolerating having you in my house. It would not bother me if I never saw you again after today. In fact, I would prefer it. Now, where are my grandchildren?”

On hearing this, Lisa and Aiden felt their little hearts pounding faster than ever and they gripped each other’s hand without realising why.