The Hazards of Hunting While Heartbroken (43 page)

Kevin looks at me lustily. “Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?”

Something inside me melts, and aches to kiss him again and lead him to my bedroom for what would promise to be an amazing night. We could see where we go in the morning.

But I know if I do this now, I’m plunging head long into something that can only be forever or end very badly. I’m not a relationship genius, or anything close to it, but this I know for sure: If I start dating Kevin, we will either get married or suffer a horrible break up that will result in neither of us wanting to speak to the other ever again.

And maybe I’m up for that risk, but not today.

“This is so hard to say, because, right now, I want you so badly it hurts.” I’m thankful I only had one glass of wine. If I was drunk, I might be in bed with him already. “I’m not rejecting you, or saying never, but I need a little time, and not just to rebound from the Oscar nightmare, because I know that’s what you’re thinking. I need to learn to stand on my own, live independently, and see what that feels like. I’ve never done anything without a man holding my hand. This summer doesn’t count, because I did nothing but hide and wallow, and I’m not about to make that mistake again. I jumped into a whirlwind romance with Oscar when I wasn’t ready, because he fell into my lap and I was so excited to have what I thought was my first really mature relationship.” I shake my head and marvel at how clueless I was.

“It’s alright. Everyone makes a wrong turn now and then. You just have to keep moving forward.”

“You’re right, but I’ve also figured out that it’s very hazardous to hunt for a new relationship while still heartbroken over the old one.” I force a little laugh, hopeful this last remark will lighten the mood.

Kevin tries to smile, but his eyes still look sad. “You’re not really hunting. I’m here. You don’t have to sniff me out and stalk me like I’m some unwitting prey animal. God knows you do enough of that at work. You don’t need it in your love life.” When I don’t respond, he asks, “Seriously, what do you need to feel more comfortable?”

“I don’t think I need tons of time, but I do want to make the move by myself, find my own place and get my feet wet in a job I’m really excited about. Then we can see. I’m thrilled you’ll be coming down there, too, and you may think this sounds nuts, given everything I just said, but I have a good feeling about us. Just not right this minute.”

I hold my breath and wait for his response. Part of me braces for a minor tirade about my need to grow up, or seize the day, or whatever. Kevin surprises me, though. He takes a deep breath, exhales and says, “None of that makes me feel great right in this particular moment.” He glances below his navel and flashes me his most flirtatious smile. “But it’s the smartest thing I’ve ever heard you say. Take whatever time you need. I’ll be here. Or there. Or, you know what I mean.” He gives me a quick kiss on the lips before forcing himself to turn and go into his own apartment, by himself.

With the security chain fastened and my boots kicked off, I take a lingering look around the apartment I was so scared of losing when Brendan called off the wedding, and realize I don’t care at all that I’m not going to live here anymore. I pour myself a glass of wine, but before I even take a sip, I dial Carol’s voicemail. I know she’ll check it tonight and again very early in the morning. “Hi Carol, it’s Zoë. It’s not an emergency. I just wanted to let you know that I’m thrilled to take the job in D.C. Thank you again for giving me this opportunity, and I’m looking forward to discussing the details.”

When I hang up, I don’t even need to go look in the bathroom mirror, because I can feel myself smiling from ear to ear. And it feels extra wonderful, because this time, it’s not because of anything some guy has done for me. I’ve realized, perhaps slightly belatedly, with over three decades on the planet, that I have the power to make myself happy. I raise my glass and toast a new beginning.