The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (36 page)

In her best effort to ignore the callousness of the remark, she tired to sound indifferent as well. “Ready to go? Why, Terrance Daniels, what do you think I’m made of? Five minutes ago, you tried to go through me. I honestly thought you were digging for gold. Now, you want me to jump up, get my groove on, look good and be good company. I’m sorry, hon, but my recuperative powers are not that great. I’m hurting. All I’m looking for now is a double shot of Jack and a Tylenol or two, and some sympathy from you.” There she’d done it. She’d played the whole incident off nicely. She could handle it. She had screamed rape but it wasn’t, really. She was probably just having flashbacks.

She knew that, despite all the time she’d spent in therapy after the
incident,
as she liked to call it, that she wasn’t in denial any longer. She had only slept with two men since the incident, one being William and the other, Terrance. In fact, she could count the times she’d slept with William in the six years of marriage on both hands and still have fingers left over. And Terrance was the only other man and he was too good to her in bed for this to be rape. She didn’t know enough about sex to know the difference between rough sex and rape anyway. Truthfully speaking, the only real knowledge she had on the subject was from the dirty movies she and her sorority used to watch in the dorms late at night, back when she was in college. And aside from tonight and up until this point, Terrance was, undoubtedly, the sweetest, most gentle man she’d ever know. No, it wasn’t rape at all, just her silly inadequacies raising its ugly head again. She just hoped he wouldn’t be angry with her and the way she had reacted. It was after all, new to her.

It had taken her some time to get dressed and it really was too late to go anywhere, being that it was a school night and Terrance usually reviewed his lesson plans each evening in preparation for the upcoming day.

At dinner, there was little conversation. Terrance seemed to be in another world. Sill noticed that he didn’t appear to be in the best of moods. In fact, he seemed almost morose. In an attempt to raise his spirits and, for the sake of conversation, she asked:

“Why in God’s name would you want to contest it, if he abused you? Please, make me understand. The man beat you and you want more. I guess I wasn’t entirely out of line. Come on, let’s go back to the bathroom so I can finish what I started. Is that it, Sill? You haven’t had enough. You want more?” Terrance was visibly upset and it showed.

“William was good to me, Terrance. He was very good to me. I attacked his inner person, his ego. I tried to force his hand. I got bored with the daily routine, tired of marriage, afraid of commitment. The night he hit me, I was out with another man. I’d never gone anywhere without his knowing it and especially at night. He was crazy with worry that something had happened to me and when I got home I was pretty flippant and, well, I guess I brought it on myself.”

“You need to take your little raggedy ass right back on upstairs to the bathroom. Sill, women, abused women, make excuses everyday for their being beaten when there’s no excuse. Truth is, he’s less than a man if he puts his hands on you. That’s the bottom line.”

“And what if I thought that of you, Terrance? Trust me, he’s a good man. The last two years of your marriage, I can count the times I slept with him on two fingers and still have one left over. And not once, not one single time did he try to force his hand. I sleep with you on a regular basis and, for all intents and purposes, you raped me. William has never beaten me the way you beaten me tonight.
Never
! My butt feels like it’s on fire and I can barely walk.”

“Tell me you’re not going there, Sylvia. What occurred between you and me has nothing to do with any of this. What’s happening here is that the last little puppy you had running around, chasing your apron strings has probably found someone else to spend his time and money on. Someone, I am willing to bet, is more loving, more “What possessed you to be so damn aggressive, tonight?” She promised herself, while she struggled to get dressed, that she would let the whole affair drop but as she squirmed in the dining room chair, pain shooting up one side of her body and down the other, she couldn’t help but ask. When he finally answered, she was sorry she had.

“You’re not serious. You can’t possibly be. I though I was bringing something new to the table. Thought you liked it rough. Thought you had some date rape fantasy or something. That’s how you introduced me to lovemaking. I just naturally thought—.”

Sill began weeping, gently.

“Damn, I’m tired of you walking around here sniffling and crying all the goddamn time. The only time you’re happy is when I’m—. Oh, to hell with you. I knew I should have never given up my house and moved in with you. What was I thinkin’?”

And then just like that he changed the subject. “Did you get the mail today?” he asked.

Sighing, she answered: “It’s on the table in the living room.”

Terrance divided the mail, handing, Sill hers.

“Oh, Lord, no!” Sill screamed in a moment.

“What’s wrong?”

“William’s located me which means he knows I’m living with you,” she said.

“So, what’s the problem?” Terrance was having difficulty understanding.

“He’s asking for a divorce.”

“And? I’m still trying to understand.” Terrance was truly at a loss. “I thought you’d be happy. You made it seem like that was all that was standing between us.”

“Don’t you see, Terrance, I can’t contest the divorce if he has evidence that I’m living with someone.” appreciative, more giving, than you will ever be. And you, Miss Thang, who’s always been afraid of giving of yourself, now finds herself with someone who is equally as selfish. You see, I’m not one that likes to give up my time or my space and if you didn’t know before tonight I was tired of you taking up my time, my freedom and my independence so I treated you like you do me on a regular basis and took something back. Doesn’t feel too good does it, when someone takes something from you that’s very close to you. You didn’t even have the guts to say you were raped until now. You would’ve denied it just to keep me around just to ward off that one thing you fear more than anything else, more than being raped or beaten. You’ll suffer abuse at a man’s hands any day just as long as he doesn’t abandon you. Your greatest fear, Sill, is of being alone. You’ve got issues that are far too complex for me. I don’t know what to tell you or how to resolve them but I’m used to a peaceful existence and being involved with you is far too much drama for me. I’m outta here.”

“And where will you be? Shack up with Laura, I suppose.”

He ignored her remarks, choosing not to get into another spat if he could avoid it.

“If you need to reach me, leave a message at Jazzy’s.” he said. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too, Sill. I love you. I always will. But you’ve never learned to love. When you do, you’ll learn that you can’t buy or own people and when you get tired of them, trade them in like a used car.”

“Don’t do this,” Sill implored. “There’s no need for you to do this, Terrance. We’ve come too far, made too many strides. You know I’m good for you. And it’s just a waste of time. You’ll only be back tomorrow. Look, I’m signing the papers. I’m consenting to the divorce.” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she signed the divorce papers, sealed the envelope and handed them to Terrance. “Does this confirm my commitment to you?”

“I’m sorry, Sylvia. I saw your reaction when you opened the letter. The only reason you want me to stay is that your pride won’t allow you to be walked out on—abandoned. But you’re just not ready for a relationship, Sill, and I guess I’m not either.”

Terrance gathered his suitcase from the storage and packed a week’s worth of clothes.

“I’m ready, Terrance.
Please
don’t leave,” she begged on her knees. Ignoring her pleas, Terrance made his way to the study, Sylvia rose and still limping in a great deal of pain grabbed his arm. “Terrance, I’m asking you
not
to do this,” she cried.

As far as he was concerned, the conversation, like the relationship was over. Grabbing his attaché case and his lesson plans from the desk in the study, he made his way to the door. Outside he threw the briefcase in the front seat of the Volkswagen and returned for the suitcase. Sylvia, still pleading, started emptying the suitcase. She was desperate now and on the verge of breaking down again. Tears welled up and spilled out of the corners of her eyes.

“Terrance, please don’t leave me. What do you want, baby? Just tell me what you want, baby, and I’ll get it for you. I know I can make you happy, baby. Just tell me what it is that you want. Do you want me in the bathroom, baby? Do you want to rape me again, baby? Just tell me what you want.”

And then, right there in the doorway, Sylvia began stripping, tearing at her clothes with both hands until she was naked. Terrance pushed her into the hallway and grabbed his bag, pushing the clothes back as quickly as he could while Sylvia grabbed and pawed in attempts to first kiss him and then hold him there. “Look, baby, I’m nude and I’m yours. Do whatever you like.”

There was a steady flow of tears now and Terrance couldn’t help feeling sorry for her. Middle age was taking its toll on her and she was scared stiff of it—of growing old alone but this reckoning did little to dispel what he’d believed since their first encounter. Sylvia Stanton, behind the facade of sophisticated beauty and elegance, had some real, deep-seated emotional problems that were beyond his knowledge and his comprehension. Of one thing, he was certain of now, though: she was, if she hadn’t already had one, was in the midst of having a nervous breakdown. Terrance was quick to notice that faraway look in her eyes she had when they had first made love. It was back now and she didn’t seem cognizant. Again, there were the unintelligible mutterings and incoherent sounds. She slumped to the floor and then rose just as quickly and picked up the
Essence
magazine that was amongst the mail on the table and began leafing through it like woman possessed, when she finished, she began again. Terrance was frightened now. From time to time, she would look up and stare at him as if she were trying to figure out why this strange man was in her home. It was almost as if she were trying to place this face, to recognize him. At other times, she would stare directly at him but it was obvious that she didn’t or couldn’t see him. And then as if nothing had happened, she jumped as if a pot were burning on the kitchen stove, grabbed her robe from the hall closet and wrapped it around her.

“Terrance, darling, would you be so kind as to pour me a stiff drink, please. I’m not sure if there’s any
Chivas
Regal left. If not the
Glenfiddich
will suffice.”

She seemed to have no recollection of the events, which had transpired over the course of the past hour.

“Did I give you the letter from William’s lawyer?”

“Yes, Sill,” Terrance replied, softening a bit.

“Please, make sure that it’s mailed at your earliest convenience? I would hate to stand in the way of progress.”

Terrance put down the suitcase and headed for the kitchen to find that there was no
Chivas
or
Glenfiddich.
Pouring her a glass of
Courvoisier,
he wondered why he hadn’t noticed that there was something wrong before. Or had he, and simply chosen to overlook it? His mind raced. Returning with the glass of brandy, he handed it to her. There was no glazed look now.

“Terrance was I supposed to be getting dressed for dinner?” she asked.

“No, Sill. I think it’s a little too late. I’ve got school tomorrow,” he replied.

“Then why is your car running?” she asked.

Terrance forgot that he’d started the car in his haste to get away before there was a scene.

“Trying to sneak out on me, are you? I knew it wouldn’t be easy trying to keep a good lookin’ young man like you down. But tell the truth, babe, there aren’t too many women out there that work as hard as I do to keep their man happy, are there?” Terrance didn’t know how much more he could take. On the verge of tears, he wondered if he were responsible for her erratic behavior. She continued leafing through the pages of the
Essence
magazine.

“Are there, Terrance?” she asked again.

“Are there what, Sill?” he asked forgetting her question. His mind was a thousand miles away.

“Are you listening to me, Terrance Daniels? I said, ‘There aren’t many women out there that take care of their men as well as I do.’ Is this true or isn’t it?”

Terrance wasn’t sure whether Sill was playing him or not. Was she simply baiting him out of guilt to answer appropriately or was she truly sincere in her questioning with no idea of what had just occurred. William chose his words carefully. “I don’t know too many women who cater to a man’s need the way you do, Sill,” Terrance replied, carefully.

Sylvia placed the
Essence
back on the living room table, took off her reading glasses and walked to the hall closet. Reaching down, she picked up a brown shoebox and opened it to reveal some gold high heels with laves for days. She then proceeded to wrap the laces around her calves, tying them in bows right below the knee.

“Don’t move a muscle, Terrance, darling, I’ve got something to show you.” Sylvia walked up the stairs. Reaching the landing, she paused, and com-mented,”My God, I’m sore today. Guess I shouldn’t have run that extra mile.”

Terrance’s head dropped to his hands and tears flowed freely. He couldn’t stay here. There was no way he could face Sylvia after what he’d done. He felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. All he wanted to do was extricate himself from the feelings burgeoning inside of him. But
how?
If he walked out on her now, he’d never be able to look himself in the mirror. And if he stayed, he was only fostering her hope and her denial. What she needed was help. Professional help. He felt that he owed her that much. Still she was so proud. What if she rejected his attempts to seek help? Perhaps he would suggest that they seek counseling together. A professional would certainly be able to recognize the signs of schizophrenia, as he surmised was what ailed her. He had never been this close to anything of this nature and truly believed that he had somehow triggered it. Now what?