The Hell of It All (53 page)

• Pac-Man
  ,
  1
  
• Paddick, Brian: runs for Mayor of London,
  1
  ;
  
  • reveals backside,
    1
    ;
    
  • guzzles liquidised kangaroo penis beside former kids’ TV presenter,
    1
    
• Palin, Sarah,
  1
  
• Panorama
  ,
  1
  
• Parry, Bruce,
  1
  
• Pasquale, Joe,
  1
  ,
  2
  
• pets,
  1
  
• pillock, see President Pillock
  
• PINs,
  1
  
• pirates,
  1
  
• playlists,
  1
  ,
  2
  
• ‘plinthers’ (Trafalgar Square),
  1
  
• Pogle’s Wood, see
  Postgate, Oliver
  
• pointlessness of everything,
  1
  ,
  2
  ,
  3
  
• Poliakoff, Stephen,
  1
  ,
  2
  
• politicians, endemic lack of respect for public,
  1
  
• Portillo, Michael,
  1
  
• Portillo on Thatcher: The Lady’s Not
  for Spurning
  ,
  1
  
• posh twits,
  1
  
• Postgate, Oliver,
  1
  
• potato crisp flavours,
  1
  
• President Dunderhead,
  see
  Bush, George W.
  
• President Hollywood
  ,
  1
  
• President Pillock,
  see
  Bush, George W.
  
• Price, Katie,
  see
  Jordan. Also: get some air.
  
• product placement,
  1
  
• pseudoscience,
  see
  Brain Gym
  
• pubic hair,
  1
  ,
  2
  

• Queen, the,
  1
  ,
  2
  
• Quigg, Eoghan (
  X Factor
  ),
  1
  

• rage, seasonal,
  1
  
• Rageh Omaar: Iraq by Numbers
  ,
  1
  
• random page numbers,
  1
  ,
  2
  ,
  3
  ,
  4
  ,
  5
  ,
  6
  
• Ramsay, Gordon,
  1
  ,
  2
  
• rats,
  1
  
• really nasties,
  see
  what sort of God lets something like that roam the Earth?
  
• Rhys-Mayers, Jonathan,
  1
  
• Richie, Shane,
  1
  
• Rhydian,
  see The X Factor
  
• Road Rash
  ,
  1
  
• road trip, USA,
  1
  
• romance,
  1
  ,
  2
  
• Ross, Jonathan,
  1
  ,
  2
  ,
  3
  
• Ross Kemp: In Search of Pirates
  ,
  1
  
• rude pig action,
  see
  animal sex
  
• Rumsfield, Donald,
  1
  

• Sachs, Andrew,
  1
  
• sadness, terrible,
  1
  
• salad (will it be?),
  1
  
• Santa, death of,
  1
  
• Scene Stealers
  ,
  1
  
• School Dinners
  ,
  1
  
• Scooby-Doo
  ,
  1
  
• Scottish Sunday Express
  ,
  1
  
• Scrabble,
  1
  
• Sealink ferries, enlivened by newsreader’s crotch,
  1
  
• search-engine optimisation,
  1
  
• Seinfeld
  ,
  1
  
• The Sentinel
  ,
  1
  
• seminal fluid erupting from glans fails to rescue owner from psychological void,
  1
  
• serial killers,
  1
  ,
  2
  ,
  3
  ,
  4
  
• The Seven Ages of Rock
  ,
  1
  
• sex on the farm,
  see
  animal sex
  
• The Sex Education Show
  ,
  1
  
• shambling incompetence,
  1
  
• shouting a rude word at Michael Portillo circa 1999,
  1
  
• Sissons, Peter,
  1
  ,
  2
  
• skiing,
  1
  
• Skins
  ,
  1
  
• Sky News,
  1
  ;
  
  • stares at a door, presumably at great expense,
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    ,
    4
    
• Smith, Dame Maggie,
  1
  
• smoking,
  1
  ,
  2
  ,
  3
  ,
  4
  
• Spanish Flu: The Forgotten Fallen
  ,
  1
  
• Spears, Britney,
  1
  ,
  2
  ,
  3
  
• spiders,
  1
  
• Springwatch
  ,
  1
  
• Spotify,
  1
  
• Star Wars
  ,
  1
  ,
  2
  ,
  3
  ,
  4
  
• ‘stock market’,
  1
  
• Stop the Express
  ,
  1
  
• Straw, Jack;
  
  • effectively told to fuck off,
    1
    ;
    
  • effectively told to fuck off again,
    1
    
• Street-Porter, Janet,
  1
  
• Sugar, Sir Alan,
  1
  ;
  
  • attractiveness of,
    1
    ;
    
  • oversees ridiculous interview process,
    1
    ;
    
  • likened to Bob Hoskins,
    1
    ;
    
  • unnecessarily puerile suggestion,
    1
    
• Super Mario Galaxy
  ,
  1
  
• Swash, Joe,
  1
  ,
  2
  

• Tarrant, Chris,
  1
  
• Tatler
  ,
  1
  ,
  2
  
• technophilia,
  1
  ,
  2
  
• Teeeeeechmarsh, Alan,
  see
  Titchmarsh, Alan. Also: don’t be silly.
  
• Tekken
  ,
  1
  ,
  2
  
• terrifying beauty of author,
  1
  
• Tetris
  ,
  1
  
• Thatcher, Carole,
  1
  
• Thatcher, Margaret,
  1
  
• things to do before you die,
  1
  
• things you don’t want to see billowing ominously on the horizon just as you pull into the Homebase carpark to buy a new barbecue because it was sunny today but now that’s well and truly torn it,
  see
  mushroom clouds
  
• Threads
  ,
  1
  
• Timequake
  (novel),
  1
  
• Titchmarsh, Alan,
  1
  
• To Catch a Predator
  ,
  1
  
• Tomb Raider
  ,
  1
  
• Tonight with Sir Trevor McDonald
  ,
  1
  
• tonsillitis,
  1
  
• Tories,
  1
  ,
  2
  ,
  3
  
• Tribal Wives
  ,
  1
  
• Tribe
  ,
  1
  
• Trump, Donald,
  1
  
• The Tudors
  ,
  1
  
• Turner, Anthea,
  1
  
• TV fakery,
  1
  ,
  2
  
• Twitter,
  1
  ,
  2
  

• Uchea, Charley,
  see
  Charley (Big Brother)
  
• UFO: Enemy Unknown
  ,
  1
  
• unimpressive notion,
  1
  
• Unvalentine’s Day,
  1
  

• Vaz, Keith,
  1
  
• Vice-President MILF,
  see
  Palin, Sarah
  
• videogames,
  1
  ,
  2
  
• Vinewood Cunts
  ,
  1
  
• virtual Olympics,
  1
  
• Visions of the Future
  ,
  1
  
• vomit,
  see
  emetophobia
  
• Vonnegut, Kurt,
  1
  

• Walsh, Louis,
  1
  
• wasters,
  1
  
• Wheel of Hate
  ,
  1
  
• wife, checklist for,
  1
  
• windpipe in the gutter (I know, I know: it’s serious),
  1
  
• what sort of God lets something like that roam the Earth?,
  see
  spiders
  
• The Wire
  ,
  1
  ,
  2
  
• women rise up,
  1
  
• words, sung aloud at Shane Richie,
  1
  ;
  
  • all the remaining words in the book after that bit,
    1
    

• The X Factor
  ,
  1
  ,
  2
  ,
  3
  ,
  4
  
• X-rated terminology bellowed at Portillo from speeding car,
  1
  
• XXX Farmyard Fun, see
  animal sex 
  

• yearning,
  see
  chips (let’s hope so)
  
• you ruined my life,
  1
  
• you’d best not forget them or mark my words there’ll be hell to pay,
  1
  
• Young Mums’ Mansion
  ,
  1
  
• youth: nothing but trouble,
  1
  ,
  2
  ;
  
  • punishments for,
    1
    ;
    
  • making TV programmes for,
    1
    ,
    2
    

• zest for life (lack of) unaffected by orgasm,
  1
  
• zerotoleriddance: made-up term describing public appetite stretched to very limit,
  1
  
• Zzz Mein Führer
  ,
  1
  

First published in 2009
by Faber and Faber Ltd
Bloomsbury House
74–77 Great Russell Street
London WC1B 3DA
This ebook edition first published in 2009

All rights reserved
© Charlie Brooker, 2009

The right of Charlie Brooker to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly

ISBN 978–0–571–25552–8 [epub edition]