The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child

The Hidden Gifts
of
the Introverted Child

Helping Your Child Thrive in an Extroverted World

Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D.

Author of
The Introvert Advantage

WORKMAN PUBLISHING • NEW YORK

Dedication

“It is better to follow the voice inside, than to follow the ways of the world and be at war with your deepest self.”

—
Michael Pastore

This book is dedicated to introverted children everywhere, and to the adults who pause to listen to their voices.

Acknowledgments

“
All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead.”
—Gene Fowler

Any creative endeavor is challenging. Cooking a special dish, making a film, writing a book, or raising an innie or outie child takes time and dedication. And nothing creative happens without collaboration. Contrary to the old saying, “A watched pot never boils,” preparing a book requires months or even years of caring attention from a gaggle of chefs. So I wish to thank all of the cooks in the Workman Publishing family, as well as my own family, friends, and clients who have contributed to the ingredients in this bubbly brew.

I especially want to thank all of the researchers (many of whom are innies) who watch lots of scientific pots. I respect and appreciate their capacity to cook up new questions to study. Their investigations of the brain have given us valuable insights into the hardwiring that shapes the introvert/extrovert continuum. I hope that these understandings will help change the dismal stereotypes introverted children often face.

And last, I want to thank all of the parents, teachers, counselors, ministers, and others who are willing to see introverted children in a new light.

Contents

INTRODUCTION:
E
MBARKING

The Introverted Child: Marching to a More Hesitant Drummer

PART I: APPRECIATING DIFFERENT DESIGNS

CHAPTER 1
:
W
AS AN
I
NTROVERTED
C
HILD
D
ROPPED
D
OWN
Y
OUR
C
HIMNEY?

What Introversion Is—And What It Isn’t

CHAPTER 2
:
I
NNIES AND
O
UTIES
A
RE
H
ARDWIRED

Brain Physiology Creates Introverted and Extroverted Temperaments

CHAPTER 3
:
I
NTROVERTS
’ A
DVANTAGES IN AN
E
XTROVERTED
W
ORLD

Learn to Highlight Your Child’s Hidden Gifts

PART II: RAISING INTROVERTED CHILDREN WITH ROOTS AND WINGS

CHAPTER 4
:
B
UILDING
E
MOTIONAL
R
ESILIENCE

Establishing Strong Bonds with Your Child Will Provide Him a Secure Foundation

CHAPTER 5
:
T
HE
C
ARE AND
F
EEDING OF
I
NNIES

Predictable Routines Energize Innies So They Can Flourish

CHAPTER 6
:
P
LAY
, C
ONVERSATION, AND THE
A
RT OF
R
ELAXATION

Encourage Daily Chats, Creative Play, Decision-Making Steps, and Stress-Busting Skills

PART III: FAMILY VARIATIONS

CHAPTER 7
:
T
HE
F
AMILY
T
EMPERAMENT
T
ANGO

Increase Family Harmony by Validating and Appreciating Each Member’s Footwork

CHAPTER 8
:
I
MPROVING
S
IBLING
R
ELATIONSHIPS

Encourage Understanding, Establish Boundaries, and Dampen Rivalry

CHAPTER 9
:
E
XTENDING THE
F
AMILY
T
REE

Cultivate Close Relationships with Grandparents, Other Family Members, Friends, and Caregivers

PART IV: BRINGING OUT WHAT’S INSIDE

CHAPTER 10
:
I
NNIES IN THE
C
LASSROOM

When You Know How Innies Learn Best, You Can Help Them Navigate the School Years

CHAPTER 11
:
S
UPPORT
Y
OUR
I
NTROVERT AT
S
CHOOL AND ON THE
P
LAYING
F
IELD

Lend a Helping Hand with Teachers, Studying, Homework, Preparing for College, and the Sports Scene

CHAPTER 12
:
I
NNIE
S
OCIAL
S
AVVY

What Friendship Means to Innies and What to Expect as They Travel Through Childhood

CHAPTER 13
:
E
NCOURAGING
Y
OUR
I
NTROVERT TO
F
LEX
H
IS
S
OCIAL
M
USCLES

Practice Helps Strengthen Poise and Confidence, Even in Sticky Situations

CHAPTER 14
:
T
HORNY
S
OCIAL
P
ATCHES

Help Your Innie Manage Conflict, Bullies, and Other Challenges

CONCLUSION:
R
EFLECTIONS AS
W
E
D
ISEMBARK

APPENDIX:
S
YNDROMES AND
D
ISORDERS THAT
A
RE
S
OMETIMES
C
ONFUSED WITH
I
NTROVERSION

SELECTED READING

INDEX

INTRODUCTION
Embarking

The Introverted Child: Marching to a More Hesitant Drummer

“
I’m a bagel on a plate of onion rolls.” —Barbra Streisand as Fanny Brice in
Funny Girl

Let me introduce you to a child who shares many characteristics with the introverted children I have met and worked with.

Even at a very young age, she was easily drained by activities, such as birthday parties, that energize many children. A social visit would hardly be underway before she’d start tugging at her mother’s sleeve, urging her to take her home. At preschool, she liked to watch other children play, but it took a while before she decided to join in. In photographs, she looks slightly dazed, or even as if she’s about to cry or hide behind a nearby door or shrub.

School meant leaving her comfortable home and entering what seemed like a vast, deafening space filled with apprehension and confusion: a veritable three-ring circus of a classroom. She could
hardly hear the teacher—or even think. She knew the times tables at home, but when asked to recite them before the group, the numbers flew right out of her head. She hated large groups of all kinds. She dreaded being called on. By second grade, she devised a technique to reduce classroom anxiety. When the teacher scanned the room for a student to answer her question, the girl would execute the “drop and cover”: This involved “accidentally” dropping a pencil and then diving under her desk to hunt for the elusive yellow No. 2. As soon as one of her quick-thinking classmates furnished the answer, she would miraculously find the pencil and sit upright again.

Though quiet at school, at home she could talk her mother’s ear off. She wondered why she could sometimes chat away like a magpie and then other times find absolutely nothing to say. She felt like Ariel in the animated Disney film
The Little Mermaid
, after Ursula the sea witch stole her voice.

How do I know so much about this little girl? Because I’m describing my childhood self.

Like most introverted children, I was very much in tune with my own internal rhythms but often fatigued and overwhelmed by interacting with the larger social world. The way I experienced the world led me to several conclusions about myself. Because I was tentative about joining in games, I concluded that I was an oddball. Because, even when I knew the material, I couldn’t trust myself to retrieve answers on the spot, I concluded that something was wrong with my memory or that I was not very smart. Because I was so quiet around others, I concluded that I had little to offer.

Many children who tend toward introversion draw similar conclusions about themselves. And this is where I want to help. I know from my own experience and from my twenty-plus years of clinical practice that an introverted child does not have anything wrong with her intelligence or memory. She need not be relegated to the social and academic sidelines. Indeed, she has a great deal to offer. But introverted children
do
need support from their parents and others to help them blossom. Face it: We live in a fast-paced,
in-your-face, sound-bite world that’s geared toward extroverts. Yet, by understanding the nature of introversion, parents, teachers, and family members can help introverted children take full advantage of their considerable brainpower and other personal strengths.

Back to my childhood for a moment. Despite my less-than-spell-binding student persona, a strange but wonderful thing happened: Many teachers befriended me. We had conversations about current events, classroom dynamics, and topics we were studying in class. I asked them questions about their life experiences and listened to what they had to say. One teacher took me to see
West Side Story
. Another introduced me to opera; I was deeply touched when he gave me my first opera record—a copy of
Aida
. Looking back, I suspect that these teachers were introverts who had recognized one of their own species. But more important was the conclusion I drew from these affirming relationships: that the world held lots of exciting possibilities when I met people one-on-one.

This capacity for depth, self-awareness, and close relationships with others is the flipside of the introvert’s way. An introvert has the ability to focus. The propensity to listen. The inclination to get to know people well. Those times in my childhood when I felt forced to play by an extrovert’s rules, I found myself lacking. But under circumstances where I could accept those aspects of myself on my own terms, I thrived. For parents, adjusting a child’s environment from one to the other is just a small shift. But for the child, it can mean the difference between struggling to find a voice and accepting, even reveling, in who he is.

Supporting Your Innie

Many readers of my first book,
The Introvert Advantage
, have told me that it resonated deeply with them. Often they’ve said, “I wish this information had been available to me when I was a child.
It would have saved me years of thinking that something was wrong with me.” It frustrates and pains me to hear so many stories about how misunderstood and overlooked most introverted people felt when they were growing up. The adult introverts I talk to wish that their families, teachers, counselors, and clergy had understood their introverted nature and been able to help them. The alienation and loneliness they felt is tragic because it was unnecessary.