The Hidden Heart of Rico Rossi (19 page)

For a second, she thought he flinched—as if she’d pushed him away. Given how much she knew he’d been pushed away by people in his past, it made her feel guilty. ‘A lot of the time, Michael talked me round to his way of thinking, and I let him,’ she said softly. ‘I don’t want that happening with us. Not with something this important. I just need a little time to work things out in my head—and to be sure I know what I want. And then we can talk about it, work it out between us.’

‘Fair enough.’ He’d switched back into efficient businessman mode and shut himself off again. She could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. ‘Even if you decide not to marry me, Ella, you’ll have my support. And I know you said it wasn’t about the money, but I also know you had it hard growing up, and I’ll make sure you don’t ever have to worry about finances again—you or the baby. Call me when you’re ready to talk.’

And he walked out without another word.

Part of Ella wanted to run after him, to tell him that she loved him and they’d work it out together. But part of her wasn’t sure they could. Not if he was going to keep holding
back from her. The way he could switch off like that … she really didn’t understand how he could do that. How he could compartmentalise things so easily. Or maybe that was his defence mechanism, and together they could learn how to break it. Give him the chance to love her and their baby, make a real family together.

She surveyed the kitchen. She had plenty to do. But work could wait. Right now, she really needed to be somewhere else. She needed to think about what was happening. What Rico had offered her. If it was enough.

An hour later, she was sitting in the cemetery, putting flowers in the vase in front of her mother’s headstone.

‘I wish you were here,’ she said. ‘You would’ve been such a fabulous grandmother. Full of stories and love and laught—’ Her voice cracked halfway through the word. ‘Oh, Mum. I don’t know what to do. If Rico asked me to marry him because he loved me, I’d say yes like a shot. But it isn’t why he asked me. It’s so his child won’t grow up like he did. He wants to make our baby feel safe, secure, nurtured. But that isn’t the same, is it?’ She dragged in a breath. ‘I promised you I wouldn’t make the same mistakes you did. But here I am, with an unplanned baby.’ She sniffed. ‘I know you wouldn’t have been like your mum and told me to get rid of it. Rico doesn’t want me to get rid of the baby, either. I’m not under the same kind of pressure you were. He’s not like my father or Michael. He’s not a cheat. And he’d never be unfaithful to me. I guess that’s one mistake I wouldn’t be repeating.’

But?
She could almost hear her mother’s voice asking the question.

‘But I don’t know how he feels about me,’ she whispered. ‘I don’t know if he knows how to love. Nobody’s ever really been there for him or loved him for himself. And I think he’s scared of loving me or the baby.’

She bit her lip. ‘I don’t want to do this on my own. You did a brilliant job with me, Mum, but I’m not you. I need someone to share this with. Someone to share the baby’s first smile, the first tooth, the first word, the first step. Someone to share the tough times, to hold me when I’m panicking and tell me everything will work out just fine because we’re a team.’ She dragged in a breath. ‘I need more support than you had. Ju would help, but it’s not fair to burden her; and now I’ve found what I really want to do with my life, I don’t want to go back to being an accountant. I know I’m being greedy, but I want it all. I want this baby, I want my career, and I want …’ Her voice cracked again. ‘I want Rico. I love him, Mum. He’s a good man. Just a little bit lost, I think. And maybe—maybe if I let him close to me and the baby, it’ll teach him to let us close to him, too. To make him realise it’s safe to love us.’ She bit her lip. ‘And let me know it’s safe to love him, too.’

Ella walked home the long way. Thinking, all the time. Could she marry Rico, knowing that he didn’t love her and might never be able to love her? Could she take the risk that he’d change when the baby arrived, that he would at least fall in love with their child?

She didn’t think he’d fight her for custody of the baby. Not when he’d been stuck in the middle of a custody battle himself, as a child. But what was the alternative? That he’d simply be a source of financial support? That felt wrong, too.

The more she thought about it, the more she was sure that this was the only chance Rico would ever give anyone to get really close to him. For both their sakes—and their baby’s—she had to try.

When she got in, she picked up the phone.

He answered immediately. ‘Rico Rossi.’

‘It’s Ella. I’ll marry you. But I want you to know it’s not about the money. It’s about
sharing
.’

‘Uh-huh.’

She really should’ve gone to see him instead of calling him. She couldn’t tell a thing from that cool, neutral voice on the other end of the phone—and she needed to know how he
felt
.

Asking him would be pointless. She knew he’d stonewall her. He’d told her so much already this afternoon; no doubt right now he felt vulnerable, and he’d go into panic mode, shutting off his emotions.

Well, she felt vulnerable, too. And shutting off wasn’t on her agenda.

‘That means I want you to go to the scans with me. And the first ante-natal appointment.’

‘Of course. I said I’d support you, Ella.’

‘And,’ she said, ‘since we’re getting married, we might as well move in together now and get used to each other, first.’

‘Fine. I’ll sort out an apartment here.’

‘At the hotel? You’re in Belgravia, Rico. Half an hour away from here. That means I’ll have to get up at five in the morning to commute back here in time to start baking.’

‘You don’t have to commute. You can use the hotel kitchen for your work.’

No. But the only way he’d accept her refusal would be if she put it in business terms. ‘That’s going to make everything much more complicated. How am I going to work out my costings and my accounts, when I don’t have the fuel bills to back them up? What if I get an emergency commission and I can’t do it because your chefs are already using the ovens to cook for the hotel guests? I can’t interrupt your business for mine.’

‘I’m sure we can sort something out.’

He really was missing the point. ‘I’ve been here before, Rico. I let someone talk me round and make decisions for me. And it all went wrong. I don’t want to let that happen again, especially with a baby to consider. I want to stay
here
.’

‘I’m not Michael.’

‘I know.’

‘And I’m not your father—or mine. I’m not going to let this fail, Ella.’

‘It sounds as if you’re talking about a business, Rico, not a relationship.’

He sighed. ‘Business is my term of reference, Ella. It’s what I’m good at.’

What about love? Though she dared not ask that. ‘Rico, you do realise that this whole thing scares me as much as it scares you?’

‘I’m not scared.’

She coughed. ‘You promised me that you’d never lie to me again.’

He sighed. ‘I know. And I told you more this afternoon than I’ve ever told anyone. I’m all out of words. This is the best I can offer right now, Ella.’

What choice did she have? She already knew she was in too deep. That walking away from him now would break her heart. The only thing she could do was to try with him. To teach him how to give the love that nobody had ever given him.

He’d try his best. She knew that—he’d already told her he didn’t intend to be the kind of father either of them had had. But was his heart too damaged to let him be who they both wanted him to be?

‘So you’ll move in with me—see how it goes?’

‘Do I have a choice?’

‘Sure you do. You can stay in your ivory tower.’

That made him laugh. ‘Ella. This isn’t going to be easy for either of us. I’m not used to sharing my space. And I’m really not used to living in a broom cupboard.’

‘Don’t you think you can slum it for a bit, rich boy?’

‘I’m definitely not answering that.’ To her relief, there was a flicker of amusement in his voice. ‘I’ll see you later,
bellezza
. And I’ll bring my suitcase.’

‘Thank you.’ She managed to wait until she’d put the phone down before she started crying.

Rico was going to try it her way.

And she hoped to hell they were doing the right thing.

T
RUE
to his word, Rico moved into Ella’s flat that evening, and he was the one to commute to work in the mornings. He didn’t make a single complaint about how small her flat was or suggest again that they should move back to The Fountain. Ella wasn’t sure whether to be more relieved or surprised that he’d capitulated so easily. Did this mean that he was going to give them a real chance?

And it felt odd to be sharing her home again. To wake in the night to find a male body curled round hers. To have his razor jostling on the bathroom shelf with her hand scrub, his toothbrush next to hers in the mug, his suits next to hers in the wardrobe.

If they could make this work, then maybe her world would all come right again.

If they couldn’t …

No. That wasn’t an option. Somehow, she had to break through his barriers so they could make this work between them. Somehow, she needed to teach him that it was safe to love. And then it would be safe for her to love him, too.

But over the next couple of weeks she noticed that, despite their physical closeness, Rico was putting more emotional barriers up between them. Was she simply being paranoid, or was there a trapped look in his eyes? She didn’t have a clue what was going on in his head, but she
was pretty sure it had to do with what he’d told her about his childhood. Telling her had clearly made him feel vulnerable, and he was guarding himself again.

Didn’t he know by now that he could trust her? That she’d never, ever hurt him? That she wasn’t like his mother or the girlfriends in his past?

He bought her flowers. He always asked her about her day. He checked that she wasn’t too tired or feeling sick. He was the perfect, solicitous partner. But if she asked him anything more personal, he’d make a vague comment and switch the conversation away from himself. And his stock response to everything was, ‘I’m fine.’ Even when she was damned sure he wasn’t.

Still she tried to get through to him. ‘How was your day?’ she asked.

‘Fine. I need to go back to Rome,’ he said.

She froze. Did he mean for always, or just to sort out some business? He’d once told her that Rome was the only place he ever wanted to live. And she hadn’t thought about whether he’d expect to move back to Rome once the baby was born, or even before that when he’d finished his business in London. ‘Right,’ she said carefully.

‘I’ll be away for three or four days.’

Not
for always, then. Relief flooded through her. ‘OK,’ she said. Was he going to ask her to go with him?

‘Will you be all right on your own while I’m away?’ he asked.

That answered her question. He obviously didn’t want her with him. She tried to shrug the hurt aside. ‘Sure. I’m a big girl. I can look after myself,’ she said brightly.

But she wondered. Would absence make Rico’s heart grow fonder, or would it give him the space and time to realise that he was never going to be able to do this?

Home.

He was
home
.

Rico knew he was supposed to be feeling glad to be back in Rome, but instead he felt as if he were a stranger. He didn’t really belong in the city any more. Plus that weird feeling of something being missing in his life, the one he hadn’t been able to shake after Ella left but he hadn’t felt since he’d been in London—that was back, big time.

And he knew why.

Because Ella wasn’t here with him.

Which was ridiculous. He was going to be away on business for three or four days. Hardly any time at all. Why on earth was he missing her so badly? And so soon?

He tried dealing with it the way he always dealt with things—by blocking it out with work. Except it failed. Everywhere he looked, he saw families. Babies. Women carrying a newborn in a sling, men giving toddlers a ride on their shoulders. New parents sharing the joy of their children.

The thought slid insidiously through his head, tempting him. That was what life could be like with Ella and their baby. It didn’t have to be the way his childhood had been. He just had to be brave enough to trust her with himself. To tell her that he loved her, and he was so scared that he was going to get it wrong and mess it up because he didn’t have a clue how to love.

He wanted it. He wanted it so damned badly.

But he couldn’t find the right words to tell her.

The first day he was away, Rico sent Ella flowers. Gorgeous summery flowers, sweet-smelling stocks and exuberant daisies and beautiful blush-pink roses. She didn’t want to
disturb him while he was in a meeting, so instead she took a photograph of the flowers on her phone and sent it to him with the message,
Thank you, they’re gorgeous
.

His reply, a couple of hours later, was short and to the point.
Prego
.

You ‘re welcome
. That didn’t bode well, she thought with a sigh. Or maybe she was reading too much into it. He was busy. At least he’d taken the time to acknowledge her text.

Though she noticed that he was too busy to call her even for two minutes.

OK. She could deal with this. As she’d said to him, she was an adult and she could look after herself.

The second day, he sent her chocolates. And a seriously nasty thought hit her. Was Rico choosing the gifts, or had he delegated the task to his secretary? Particularly as his only contact with her was a brief text message in reply to her thanks for the chocolates, saying he hoped she was OK.

On the third day, there was a delivery of a blu-ray disc of a film she’d mentioned casually that she’d like to see. She smiled wryly. She didn’t actually have a blu-ray player, though she didn’t quite have the heart to tell him that his gift had misfired. He’d listened enough to get the film right; it wasn’t his fault that she hadn’t upgraded the format. Although she really, really wanted to hear his voice, Rico had made it pretty clear that he was communicating by text only while he was away, so she tried not to mind and sent him a text to thank him.