The Housewife Assassin's Handbook (32 page)

Totlandia (Series)

Friendship. Lies. Seduction. Betrayal.
 

Welcome to Totlandia.

"Josie Brown writes
Totlandia
with her usual storytelling flair. The dialogue is smooth and flowing. The characters are easy to side with or become angry with, depending on each situation. The scenery is easy to visualize. And we mustn't forget all the sex (blushworthy, at that) and scandal that is a staple of a true Josie Brown novel.”
 

–Chick Lit Central

“
Totlandia
a truly entertaining read and difficult to put down.
 
This book is wonderfully written and has more than just drama. There are touching moments, parts that made me laugh out loud, and as I read the story I felt like I was reading a television show!”
 

—
Divine Secrets of a Domestic

“There are some really sweet moments mixed in with the catty wonderfulness that Brown always seems to capture.
 
I just can't believe I have to wait until the installment which will be released soon…”
 

—Mary Jacobs,
Bookhounds Review
 

“Picture Desperate Housewives and Sex and the City. Totlandia would be the baby they created. The first book in this four-part series outlines the quest to become a member of an elite mommy group. It’s by invitation only, and that’s no easy task, with six candidates vying for the last four sots. Not good enough to get the nomination or iding some scandalous secret, the mantra for these mommies is ‘Fake it ‘til you make it.’ The book is a blast, packed with humorous punches between these ladies whose very existence relies on their ability to keep up appearances. This author will have you howling as you devour this most recent work. Yeah, she’s that good. And so are her books
 

—
Stress-Free, Baby

“Brown has you rooting for the under-mommy who is halfway normal while gawking at the crazy mommies. These moms are so over the top it’s like peeking into a wild animal exhibit at the zoo. But that’s what makes it fun…Brown does a great job of giving all the moms a real feeling. She shows you their vulnerabilities and does a great job in creating believable characters. You get addicted pretty quickly.”
 

—
Words by Webb

“From the first page,
Totlandia
made me laugh at some of the predicaments that mothers are placed in when they are dealing with a one-year-old. The author did an amazing jo at giving each character a distinct voice and their own trial that they are trying to overcome thoughout the book, and makes each character’s reasoning completely understandable and believable. I found myself cheering them on and hopign they mae the cut even though part ofmy mind was thinking how ridiculous it all was…I look forward to continuing with the drama that is the PHM&T club.”
 

—Simply Stacie

Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives

Optioned as a dramatic television series,

produced by Jerry Bruckheimer

"If you like
Desperate Housewives
, then you'll fly through this gossipy novel full of Wisteria Lane-esque characters living in a suburban jungle. Brown entertains up to the satisfying ending in this lively novel.”
 

– Examiner.com

"Just in time for summer, Brown's novel offers an enjoyable take on suburban California family life, complete with mommy cliques, rebel teenagers, and, of course lots of adultery....The momentum of Brown's writing and plot keeps the pages turning."
 

– Booklist

"Already touted as the perfect summer beach read, this character driven (sometimes steamy) book can best be described as the offspring of an affair between Desperate Housewives and a Jennifer Weiner novel....A quick look into the sometimes catty world of wealth where priorities get shifted, friendships get broken and marriages, like their mansions, get rearranged. It was light and fluffy (with some excellent dialogue.)...This coven spread gossip like wild fire, fight like verbal wrestlers and plot like army generals to put together the very confused puzzle of Harry's love life."

– GoodHousekeeping.com

True Hollywood Lies

“The writing is laced with venomous humor..."

–The Wall Street Journal

"Brown captures the humor of working for a megalomaniac...[A] well-paced, entertaining story.”

–Publishers Weekly

"A fine piece of literary work."

–New York Post,
Page Six

"Josie Brown does an outstanding job capturing the glitz and glamour of Hollywood living yet illuminating the stark loneliness present beneath the façade.
 
Filled with good-natured humor and witty repartee..."
 

–Romance Reader's Connection

"With tongue-in-cheek dialogue,
True Hollywood Lies
provides a fascinating look at the jet set lifestyle of the rich and for-the-moment famous.... You will laugh, cry, and wonder if it's worth it to be rich and famous."

–Romance Reviews Today
 

The Candidate

A Political Thriller

Seduction and intrigue are rampant on the campaign trail when a political campaign adviser discovers that Washington's power broker elite have embroiled his presidential candidate in a plot involving an act of terrorism on US soil…

Democratic political campaign consultant Ben Brinker can’t remember the last time he was excited by a candidate’s vision. He feels he’s lost his way, both emotionally and professionally. Worst yet, his show-me-the-money policy seems to have finally caught up with him. Two of his recent clients have been disgraced in one way or another: a senator is caught in lurid sex scandal, and a congressman is indicted in a kickback scandal. In no time at all the political pundits are calling Ben a "candidate cooler." Now Ben is desperate for any campaign gig he can get.

As luck would have it, Andrew Harris Mansfield, the charismatic junior senator from North Carolina
 
and former Marine pilot, asks Ben if he wants to run his soon-to-be-announced campaign for president.

Little does Ben know what's in store for Andrew, or their country—

Nor does he realize that the key to saving both have been placed in his hands.

The Baby Planner

"Brown takes baby mania to its illogical, hysterical extreme in this bubbly romp. . . . But what begins as a light foray into Bugaboo country turns into something bigger than a satire of status-obsessed Bay Area yummy mummies as Brown takes a dark look at the fears of parenthood and family, with Katie's heartbreaking longing for a child unveiling a disturbing reality about her marriage and family. Still, the message from the somber realities is one full of hope: love makes a family, commitment keeps it together."

—Publishers Weekly

“A funny, engaging, and often bittersweet tale from the author of Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives."
 

–Cincinnati Public Library Spotlight Feature

PRAISE FOR JOSIE BROWN

"Hollywood's got nothing on the cast of characters living in the bedroom community of Paradise Heights, who have the secrets, sex, money and scandal of an OK! Magazine cover story. Josie Brown is a skilled observer whose clever dialogue makes for truly entertaining reading."

—Jackie Collins, bestselling author of
Hollywood Wives
and
Poor
Little Bitch Girl

"Josie Brown captures the highs and lows of love, lust and marriage with heart wrenching pathos. I'm recommending it to all my friends as the perfect beach read!"

—Lisa Rinna, actress, and author of the novel,
Starlit

"The Baby Planner is as a delight. I wondered, as I was reading it, how I every managed without a baby planner, and by the end I wondered how I ever managed without its author, Josie Brown."

—Eileen Goudge,
New York Times
bestselling author of
Once in a Blue Moon

"Josie Brown’s writing is whip-smart as well as wickedly funny, and just as you are enjoying the ride she takes you on, she shatters your heart with her insight into modern lives."

—Tatjana Soli,
New York Times
bestselling author of
The Lotus Eaters

"I loved this juicy-as-it-it-is-heartfelt novel about love, marriage, friendship and sharp, manicured claws. Could not put it down!"

—Melissa Senate, author,
The Secret of Joy

"Poignant and funny! Josie Brown's protagonist is strong, resilient, and unflinchingly honest: she has all the skills she needs to navigate the 'mean streets' of the gated community of Paradise Heights. A great read!"

—Wendy Wax, author,
Magnolia Wednesdays

“Brown proves that a story with suburban bodies can be just as suspenseful as one with dead bodies! Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives is a probing, entertaining fishbowl of married life in a well-heeled, wayward neighborhood. Loved it!”

–Stephanie Bond, author of
Body Movers
series and
Two Guys Detective Agency
series

COPYRIGHT INFORMATION

The Housewife Assassin’s Handbook

A Novel by Josie Brown

© 2011 Josie Brown

© 2007 Josie Brown First Serial Rights

All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. No patent liability is assumed with respect to the use of the information contained herein. Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher and authors assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of information contained herein.

This is a work of fiction. All incidents and dialogue, and all characters with the exception of some well-known historical and public figures, are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Where real-life historical or public figures appear, the situations, incidents and dialogues concerning those persons are entirely fictional and are not intended to depict actual events or to change the entirely fictional nature of the work. In all other respects, any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.