The Impossible Art of Falling (Impossible Art #1) (28 page)

Jena walked past him, but stopped at the door.

“Next time, why don’t you stick around and see for yourself.”

Three days later, she was gone.

chapter 27

OME ON, JENA! WHERE’S YOUR head today? You have taken down three of the last four fences! Ride that line again and get that horse to pick his front feet up!”

Jena scowled at her trainer, Mark Danielson, and circled to try it again. She had been in Florida for two months now, and in theory, she should be happy. It was good to be back with a trainer. It was good to be back with a schedule, but she still felt as if something was missing. She told herself that it felt different because her father wasn’t here. She told herself that it was because she and Gatsby were so out of shape. She gave herself a myriad of reasons as to why this wasn’t working. And still, she got up every day, determined to make a new start, sure that this would be the day that she figured it out.

Luke had pushed her away. He had told her that he wanted her to leave. At first, she had pushed herself into riding and training, figuring that the thrill of it would allow her mind to forget him. A few days after she arrived in Florida, she had called her aunt and uncle to let them know she was okay and to see how they were doing. She missed them terribly, having grown closer to them and feeling as if they had become her surrogate parents. She desperately wanted to ask about Luke and had hoped that one of them would mention him. Anything, just to hear about how he was doing and wishing that he was as miserable as she was. When she asked about the trail rides, they never even mentioned Luke’s name, and so she was left to wonder.

Jena refocused on her current task and circled Gatsby, preparing to jump again.

“There you go, nice and easy, Jena,” Mark said. “Don’t look at the fence, look beyond. Look at where you are going to be, and let him do the work.” Jena clenched her teeth together in irritation. She already knew all of this, and she hated that Mark seemed to think she still was a beginner. She counted her strides and squeezed to let Gatsby know it was time, only to hear the clip of his feet on the top pole and the rattle of it landing behind her. She continued to the next one and barely cleared it, only to take the third fence down. She slowed Gatsby to a walk, barely hearing Mark screaming at her, yet again. She gave him a look that told him she was done for the day, before hopping down. Once again, she thought, this clearly wasn’t working.

As she cooled Gatsby down and untacked him, she expected Mark to come in and barrage her with some sort of lecture about not trying hard, or to ask her exactly how much she wanted it. Instead, the barn was silent. Even the other riders stayed away. Again, she felt like the girl whose father had died and everyone was tiptoeing around. Was this how it was going to be? Would everyone treat her with kid gloves at every competition, for fear of upsetting her? Screw that and screw them, she decided and swiped the brush down Gatsby’s shoulder. He turned to look at her, and she touched his face.

“I know, buddy. You miss him, too.” Saying it out loud seemed to release something in her. “This whole competition thing isn’t working for you either, is it?” Jena finished brushing him and put her things away. Things were going to have to change.

When she got home an hour later, her mother was sitting in the living room. It was unusual for her to be home at this time; however, Jena was in no mood to question her.

“Jena,” Karen’s voice softly called to her. “Could you come here?” Jena dropped her bag on a kitchen chair with a sigh and barely remembered to pull her dirty boots off before going to see what her mother wanted. Exhausted, she plopped herself down in the chair across from her mother, not bothering to acknowledge her.

Karen studied her daughter. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a bun at the nape of her neck. Her polo shirt and breeches were streaked with dirt. Not an unusual look for someone who had spent the day on the back of a horse. But, it was Jena’s eyes that alarmed her.  When Karen had gone to Tennessee to convince her to come to Florida, there had been a light, a contentment that existed within her daughter. Now, she looked lost and tired again. Like she had when Ted had died, and this worried Karen.

After she and Jena had reconnected, Jena had told her all about Luke, and Karen had listened intently. She knew that Jena thought she had been in love with him, but Karen thought that it was simply a teenage crush. Jena hadn’t exactly had many boyfriends as a teenager because of her competition schedule, so this relationship couldn’t be more than puppy love. Still, she had believed her when she said that she wanted to stay with Meg and Rob, knowing that she was old enough to make her own decisions. Then she called a few days later, stating that she wanted to bring Gatsby to Florida, to begin training again. When Karen had asked about Luke, Jena had acted as if she had never heard the question. Karen hadn’t learned the truth until she called Meg, who told her what had happened.

“How was training, today?” she started after her daughter plopped herself down. “Did you have a nice ride?”

“It was fine,” Jena answered. Karen frowned. She had hoped she would tell her more. Admit how things were really going. Jena crossed her arms in front of her and stared over her mother’s shoulder.

“Jena,” Karen began again. “Please be honest with me. Are you happy here?”

Jena drew in her breath, then let it out long and slow.

“Mark Danielson called a few minutes ago.” Jena stiffened at her mother’s words. Now Karen had her attention. Jena met her mother’s gaze, her eyes wide with surprise… and maybe, a bit of fear. “He told me about your lessons today. And about how training has been going.” Karen got up and moved to sit next to her daughter, running her hands on her thighs as she thought about how to approach this difficult topic. Finally she spoke. “So let me ask you again. Are you happy here, Jena? Is this life what you really want?”

Jena thought about it for a moment. She thought about what she really wanted. She wanted to ride. She wanted to compete, but she didn’t want it like this. And as the truth became clear, she felt exhaustion settle into her bones. The truth was, she missed Tennessee. She missed the farm. She missed her aunt and uncle. Most of all, she missed Luke. She had felt in the past few weeks as if something was missing. And it wasn’t just his physical presence that was lacking. It was his friendship. In him, she hadn’t just found someone to love, she had found her best friend; someone who understood her, who let her be silent when she needed to be, and urged her to speak when she had something to say. It wasn’t about needing him. It was about not wanting to live without him in her life any longer. Of this, she was now sure.

“No,” she finally whispered, before the first tear fell down her cheek. She let her head fall into her arms and felt a release of emotion. “I am not happy here. I’m not totally sure what I want, but I don’t want this. I love riding, and I love competing, but being back in this kind of life, the kind where I have to train constantly, is not what I want. I miss Meg and Rob’s farm in Tennessee.” She picked her head up and looked at her mother. “What do I do?”

              Karen reached a hand out and placed it on her daughter’s knee.

“Well, you can stop training, if that is what you want. I can talk with Mark. I am sure he will understand. Why keep doing something that your heart just isn’t in anymore.” Jena nodded at her mother, who handed her a few tissues from the side table. “Do you want to stay here? In Florida? With me?” Karen asked, her voice soft and tentative.

“I don’t know, Mom. I just don’t know.”

“Don’t get me wrong, honey, I do love having you back here, but I’m sure your aunt and uncle would let you go back to Tennessee, if you miss the farm so much. And I would understand.”

Jena heart lifted a bit at the idea. What if she did go back? What if she made Luke understand that he was wrong? What if she told him that she would wait for him to figure things out if he wanted? They didn’t need to be together, they could just be friends. Maybe she could even enroll at the University of Tennessee? She could go to college; something her competition life hadn’t ever allowed her to dream about. The more she thought about it, the better she felt. The more she realized that this was what she wanted. In a short amount of time, she had grown to think of the farm as home.

“Would you really be okay with that? I mean, I know you really want me down here and that it is…”

“Jena,” Karen interrupted. “I just want you to be happy, and if you are happier living with your aunt and uncle in Tennessee, then I will fully support you. I know you aren’t choosing them over me. You see, I too, am learning to move on.”

Jena jumped up and grabbed her mother in an embrace, relief coursing through her.

“Thank you,” she whispered into her mother’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

THE SILENCE THAT SURROUNDED Luke now was deafening. Jena had only been gone for a few weeks, and he felt empty inside. He had pushed her away because he thought she needed to take this opportunity. He also pushed her away because he needed to deal with his own issues.

At night, when he couldn’t sleep, he would drive up the road to the place where his sister died, just so that he could feel close to her. He tried to make sense of his pain, he tried to make sense of what he had done to lose Jena, and he tried to figure out how to forget and move on. Sometimes, he found himself standing at the end of the aisle, looking out to the mountains and listening to the cicadas, waiting for the answers to come to him.

He and Kyle had spent many nights talking. He tried to figure out how Kyle found it so easy to move on. They talked about his sister. They talked about their friendship and slowly, he could feel that part of his heart healing. He no longer blamed himself, and he no longer blamed Kyle. He had even called his parents once. They had talked for a few minutes and even agreed to meet for coffee soon; the rift between them beginning to heal. This meant more time for him to think about Jena.

“How do you do it, Kyle?” Luke asked one night, while they were sitting on the porch. “How can you just forget?”

“You don’t, man,” Kyle answered with a sigh. “Ali is on my mind every second of every day. I’m not trying to forget her; I’m still trying to figure out how that part of my heart will go on without her. It’s not easy, and some days are harder than others.”

They sat in silence for a moment.

“I loved her more than anything, you know,” Kyle said, “And I think it took losing her to realize that.”

“I think that’s where I’m at with Jena,” Luke admitted.

“Well, consider yourself lucky. Because you can still go to her. Why don’t you just call her? Tell her to come home?” Kyle replied. “I mean, if you love her, you need to try.”

“It’s not as easy as it sounds. She needs to compete, and I just can’t take that away from her,” Luke answered.

“Then why don’t you go to her? You don’t need to keep working here for the rest of your life. You know you need to move on, too. Go to Florida to be with her. Be at her side while she trains.” Kyle was insistent tonight. He was tired of seeing his friend so unhappy.

“I’ll only be in the way… a distraction.” Even to Luke, the excuse sounded sad. He took another sip of sweet tea and sighed. “Maybe I should call her.”

“Yes,” Kyle said, “you should.” Kyle stood up and began fishing his keys out of his pocket. He stopped directly in front of Luke, causing him to look up at his friend. “If you really love her, Luke, don’t let her go. Trust me. You don’t want to have any regrets.” Kyle nodded to emphasize his point and walked out toward his truck. Luke watched him go. He knew what Kyle meant. If anyone understood, it was Kyle. Yet, days later, Luke still hadn’t mustered up enough courage to call her.

Even though the summer season was winding down, he stayed busy at the farm. He was sure that Rob and Meg saw to that. They never mentioned Jena’s name, yet her empty chair at the dinner table spoke for them. A few times, he had picked up the phone to tell her he had been wrong and to beg her to come back. That he didn’t think she should have gone, but he didn’t think that it would have been fair to ask her to stay. It was moments like this, moments when he was alone in his room and had a few minutes to think, that it was the hardest. Plus, there were reminders of her everywhere he looked. More and more often, he had begun to think again about leaving. 

“Luke,” Meg’s voice called out. “Dinner’s ready!”

Luke didn’t answer, knowing that Meg was already back inside. He slid his boots back on and walked out of the barn, trying desperately not to look at Gatsby’s empty stall.

Rob and Meg were already at the dinner table when he took his seat. Meg began passing him dishes of meatloaf, potatoes, and green beans. He took small portions, while she poured him a glass of sweet tea. Instead of eating heartily, he pushed around at the food on his plate. His appetite just hadn’t been the same. 

“I think we need to work a bit with those yearlings tomorrow,” Rob said. “The trail rides are only open in the morning, and it’s getting to that time of year when business slows, so it’s time to focus on the horses we have.”