The Impossible Art of Falling (Impossible Art #1) (27 page)

“Mom… I’m sorry, I didn’t know you felt that way,” Jena finally mumbled.

“I told you not to be sorry,” Karen reminded her. “Your father isn’t to blame for this. If I had only looked at things in a different light.” Her voice faded off. A horse nickered in the distance, and she turned toward it. “On the day your father… died,” Karen started again, “I thought that I had lost everything. I thought that my life was over. You two were so connected, that when I lost him, I thought I lost you, too. I left the farm. I left you… and that is something I’m not sure I can ever forgive myself for. I guess, I was hoping that you would come back to Florida with me, and I could make up for it. I hadn’t expected you to begin a new life somewhere else with someone else. You have to understand, I just needed some time to figure things out myself.” Karen returned to the swing and sat back down. Having said what she needed to say, she threaded her hands together and placed them upon the knees of her crossed legs.

Jena just stood there, letting the tears continue to fall. Her mother had never spoken to her so candidly. They had never been particularly close, so these mother/daughter moments were few and far between.

“I know you said that you want to stay, but I will be here for you this time, if you want to come back,” Karen said, not waiting for Jena to answer. “Anyway, we can talk about this later, if you want. I think we both need some time to let all of this sink in. Tell me about Luke. I can see how happy you are with him.” At the mention of his name, Jena smiled. She turned and sat down on the porch swing and had an actual conversation with her mother about a boy.

chapter 25

RE YOU OKAY?” LUKE WHISPERED to Jena, as he came up behind her. When he came back to the farm, Jena and her mother were sitting on the porch swing together. He waited before going to the house, not wanting to interrupt their conversation. Finally, he heard the swing of the screen door and made his way to the house.

“Yes. I think I am.” They were standing on the front porch together, watching the sun sink into the horizon, creating velvety folds in the mountain. Jena turned in his arms and laid her head on his chest. She could feel his strong heartbeat reverberating through her cheek and again, it centered her.

“You don’t have to stay for me. I mean, I am happy you want to stay, but… ”

“I’m not staying for you. I’m staying for us.” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him tenderly. The sound of the screen door opening pulled them apart.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you two were out here,” Karen said, stepping on the porch. “I’ll just go back inside.”

“No, stay,” Luke said. “I need to go check on the horses anyway and turn in for the night.” He kissed Jena on the cheek and turned to go.

“Luke,” Karen’s voice rang out. He stopped and turned. “I’m sorry. What I said about you. I didn’t… I mean, I didn’t know… Meg and Rob filled me in, and I’m afraid I judged you before knowing the whole story.”

“I know,” Luke answered with a smile before turning and walking back out to his room in the barn. Jena watched his retreating figure until he was just a shadow before turning to her mother with a smile.

chapter 26

T
HE NEXT MORNING, LUKE AND Jena stood on the porch, watching the taillights of Karen’s black rental car disappear down the road.  For once, there had been a proper goodbye, and Jena didn’t feel like she was being abandoned. There would be visits and phone calls and time to nurture this new mother-daughter relationship. And, at long last, she felt a weight lift.

The Grayson farm fell back into a routine. Kyle, Luke, and Rob ran the trail rides, while Jena helped get horses ready and kept things organized in the office. In the mornings, she found peace on the back of her horse, and they began to rediscover their own relationship. Sometimes, she would even venture beyond the confines of the fenced in arena to the end of the field, where she and Luke spent many mornings. Thing were, at last, falling into place for her. Soon, she thought, she would have to see if her uncle or Luke could make a few jumps for her to use.

Luke felt the calm for a few days, yet there was still a constant nagging in the back of his mind. He should be completely happy, he knew. Jena had chosen to stay with him. He watched Jena riding Gatsby and saw how the two of them moved as one in the arena. He watched her blossom and come into her own, and that made him wonder just how he fit in. Yet, the future was never discussed and September would be here soon. Kyle would be back at the University of Tennessee, and the trail rides would stop. Luke didn’t know where he and Jena would be, and that bothered him. Things had begun to change.

Jena had noticed the change as well, and two weeks after her mother left, she finally confronted Luke about it, as they were checking on the horses one last time.

“So, is something bothering you?” she asked. “You’ve been kind of distant in the last few days.” She threw a flake of hay into her horse’s stall and went to grab another.

Luke stopped for a moment and placed his hands on the stall door in front of him. His thoughts were tumultuous, but he knew that he needed to tell her. Though it may mean losing her, she needed to know. The worry he felt was consuming him.

              “Here’s the thing.” Luke started, and scrubbed his hand through his hair. “I think you should go to your mom in Florida, or somewhere else where you can compete.” He looked straight ahead at the back of the stall, afraid to see the look on her face.

              Jena looked at him in shock.

              “What are you saying? I thought we already had this conversation.” She stepped away and eyed him suspiciously.

              “I know you said that you will be the one to decide who you should be with, but you miss competing. I can see it in your eyes every time you are on Gatsby. I can see it in the way you ride. You are so talented, and I think you owe it to yourself to give it a chance. And…I just don’t want to be the one to hold you back.” He could feel her next to him now, but he refused to look at her. She placed her hand on his arm and pulled him toward her.

              “What do you mean?”

              “I mean,” he replied, crossing his arms and looking over her shoulder, “that I think you really want to compete, and I don’t think middle-of-nowhere-Tennessee is the place to do that. I think you need to be somewhere bigger.”

              “So, come with me?” she whispered.

              “I’ll just be in the way. You’ve sort of hinted at it. I mean you told me about your mom and dad. I don’t want to be the one holding you back from being the best.”

              “You are not holding me back, Luke,” Jena said, no longer able to fight her tears.

              “How do you know?” Luke questioned, turning toward her. “You aren’t even giving yourself a chance.”

              “I just do!” she shouted back. “Jeez! Why are you doing this? Why… are you trying to break up with me? Is that what this is about?”

              “No… yes… I don’t know.” He placed his hands on her shoulders in order to look at her squarely. “You and I have both had a crazy year, and I think we just need to find ourselves again.” And then Luke knew all of what was bothering him lately. Kyle had changed, Jena had changed, and he felt left behind. He still had so much to deal with, and he felt lost. He loved Jena, but suddenly, this was something he needed to do alone, and he owed it to her to let her go. To discover what she was truly capable of accomplishing. “I need to find myself.”

Jena opened her mouth in protest, but Luke continued.

“I know that you think that we have, but really, I think only you have. I have so much going on in my head, and I just… I just don’t want this to be it for you.”

              Jena stood in defeat, the tears falling down her cheeks. Part of her knew that he was right. She needed to discover who she was by herself and maybe that meant giving things with her mother a try. And yes, she did want to compete again and the thrill of belonging to a top training facility was enticing. She just never thought she would have to choose competing over Luke.

“I love you, and I always will. I think we, or at least I, need to figure this out on my own. You don’t need to be dragged through all of this. Not when you are rediscovering your own life. I think… ” His voice faded and the two stood in silence for several minutes. Jena felt as if her heart was breaking apart and coming out of her chest. Luke turned from her and walked to the door to gaze into the emptiness of the night. Jena watched him retreat and suddenly grew angry. He wasn’t even going to give her a say in this. He wasn’t even going to let her choose. She had told him that she wanted to stay, and that this was where she wanted to be, and here he was, trying to get rid of her. It really was over. She knew she should fight. She knew that she should try to reason with him and make him understand. Then again, wasn’t love supposed to be easier than this? She shouldn’t need to convince him, and this is why she decided to do what he asked. Without another word, Jena turned and walked toward the house.

Luke listened to her go and his heart broke. Whoever said that you should let the things you love go was full of it. It only made you feel worse. Still, he could never live with himself if he didn’t give her the chance. He thought that in time, she would see it the same way, too.

JENA DIDN’T RETURN TO Luke that night and didn’t speak to him the next day while they ran the trail rides. She spent the day silent and alone in her head. It wasn’t until that night that she finally spoke and even then, it was to her aunt.

“Aunt Meg, I’ve been thinking.”

“About what, sweetie?” Meg said, as she dried the plate.

Jena swirled her hands around in the dishwater to find the next dish.

“I think I should go home to Florida. With my mom.” She continued to swirl her hands in the dishwater.

“Is that what you want?” Meg voiced.

“Yes. No. I don’t know.” She clenched her jaw to try to hold the tears in. It didn’t work for long.

“Does this have anything to do with you and Luke?” Meg asked, turning toward her niece. She could see a tear fall down Jena’s cheek and knew she had hit the mark.

“He doesn’t want me,” she whispered. “He told me yesterday that he thinks that I should go back to Florida, to be with my mom. That he doesn’t want to hold me back, and that he has some things to work out.”

Meg pulled her niece into an embrace and just held her, while she cried.

“I’m assuming that you tried to talk to him about your feelings?” Meg asked, when Jena pulled away.

“Yes. I told him that he wasn’t holding me back, but he didn’t want to hear it.”

“Well, I can’t speak for him, but I do know that he does have some things to work out in his own head. You have opened him up to so much. Maybe, just give him some time. Don’t make a hasty decision. He may yet come around.”

Jena nodded and then went back to the dishes. When she and Meg finished, she went up to her room, curled up on the bed, and fell into a fitful sleep.

“JENA,” LUKE CALLED OUT. “Will you please talk to me?”

Jena had just finished riding and was putting Gatsby’s tack away. Luke had waited in the shadows until she was done, figuring that if cornered, she would have to talk to him. By now, he figured that she had seen reason.

“Luke, you have made yourself perfectly clear. You think I should leave. You don’t want to hold me back, even though I have told you a million times that you aren’t.” She kept walking into the tack room to try to hide the tears just under the surface.  He followed her, and when he was close enough, reached out for her and turned her until she was facing him.

“Come on, Jena. I don’t want to leave things like this.”

“Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you just ended things.” She stood with her arms crossed in front of her chest. She was trying to look defiant, when really, she was using her arms to physically hold herself together.

“I didn’t end things, Jena,” Luke whispered. “I just want you to have a chance to see what you can do.” He dropped his hands from her arms, sad that she still didn’t understand that he was letting her go because he loved her so much.