The Innocent Sleep (34 page)

I stayed close. I didn’t want to take my eyes off them, and yet something made me look back—a sense of foreboding, perhaps—and as I did so I saw Harry standing there at the top of the steps, his tall body framed by the shadow of the doorway, and every particle of my being strained to go to him. It was all I could do to hold myself back. Just a glimpse was all I got. Then a car drew up and there were raised voices, slamming doors. Everything happened too quickly. I saw the glint of gunmetal in my husband’s hand, watched in horror as he raised and pointed that weapon at a man bounding up the steps toward him. The man paused, his hands held up in a gesture of surrender. Then Harry took a step back and the door closed and the house swallowed him up and a plunge of terror went through me—a shiver of dread—as I realized with an empty gravity that I might not set eyes on him again.

The man turned and bounded down the steps toward us, and I saw Spencer’s sagging features contorted into a grimace of anxiety.

“Get down!” he shouted as he came, and I felt the urgency in his voice and the weight of his body pressing on me, pinning me down. Eva, Dillon—all three of us were held there by his grip as he kept shouting at us to stay down, his voice enraged, it seemed to me, or maybe it was fear I heard. The cold dampness of the snow clawed its way through my clothing. I felt nauseous and weak and dreadfully scared. At the same time, I was in the grip of a surreal sensation—that this was happening not to me but to someone else. That I was merely watching another woman flung onto the snow, in the grip of near hysteria. That it was not me who kept glancing fearfully across at the son she had presumed dead, but someone else, someone ghostly and drawn, someone whose foundations had just been rocked.

And then the clouds above us seemed to part, the hard brightness of the winter moon breaking through and falling on the snow. It made me feel dizzy, disoriented, as if my head had been held underwater for a time and now emerged, gasping for breath, panicked and unsure of everything. The door was half open suddenly and Spencer was moving quickly back toward it, and it was as I watched him bounding up those steps that I heard it. A sharp crack in the middle distance that disturbed the air. I looked up at the house. Holding my breath, I could hear nothing, only the boy’s breathing beside me. A cold, hard fear came down over me then, and my body began to tremble and shake.

“Oh Jesus,” I heard Eva say. “Oh Jesus Christ.”

I caught the urgency and high note of fear in her voice, and, seized by a new panic, I stared hard at the house, at the door that was ajar, at the shadows that moved there, shapes coming out of the darkness, announcing themselves as figures. Spencer was inside now, kneeling by the door. All that was visible of him was his hunched form, the soles of his shoes. He turned then, and I saw his face as a streak of fear.

“Call an ambulance!” he cried out, before twisting away from us.

“Oh God!” Eva cried. “Oh my God!”

She fumbled for her phone and began punching in digits and I heard the shrill panic in her voice, and I knew all about that panic, that innate fear realized, yet still I didn’t give voice to it.

In my head, I was willing him to stand up, willing the door to swing back and reveal my husband to me, standing, unharmed, safe. Someone was lying on the floor—I couldn’t see whom—and a voice inside me repeated over and over with the pleading insistence of a prayer,
Let it not be Harry. Let it not be him.

How long did I wait there? How long did I kneel in the snow, straining with hope and fear? My whole life stilled and condensed and sharpened down to that one moment in time, that one fervent desire.

And then the door opened a little more and a face announced itself from within the gloom, and I saw Garrick standing there, his face drawn, his hand to his mouth, bewildered, uncertain. I saw him and the knowledge hit me with full force.

My heart clenched and I opened my mouth wide and felt the screams coming out of me and filling the air, echoing off every tree and wall and icy surface in that cold, wintry space.

*   *   *

“C’est
fini?”

I look up at the waiter pointing to my empty cup, his voice shattering my reverie and claiming my attention, drawing me mercifully back to the present.

“Oui,”
I say, then order another.

He casts his eyes briefly over me. I feel that he is looking at me properly for the first time and try to rearrange my features accordingly, smoothing them out to a flat expression, bringing them back from the shadowy depths of the past.

The people at the next table are lively, their voices raised, a farewell of some kind or other. A sudden crash and the shattering of glass as a waiter in the next café drops his tray, and all along the strip, the other waiters pause to cheer and applaud the mishap, drawing indulgent smiles from the tourists. My eyes follow them, flickering with interest, picking out the many faces among them in an involuntary sweep of the crowd.

The world is a different place for me now. I see it with fresh eyes. Danger lurks in familiar places. Harry is gone, killed instantly by a bullet that penetrated his heart. An accident, or so Garrick’s lawyers are pleading. The gun went off as the two men tussled for control of it. I try to imagine that moment: the charged atmosphere in that house, the two of them grappling, the sudden violence of the gun going off and the shock it must have caused. When I picture it, I see Harry’s eyes flying open, a look of naked surprise there before the pain clouds his face and his body folds in around the sharp, burning point of it. Luck was not on Harry’s side that day. There is a painful irony to his fate. It might have been either of them.

The child I had lost has been returned to me, changed, damaged, the bond between us broken. Every day is a battle to win his trust. The suspicion in his eyes that greets me causes my heart to clench with pain. And there is a new child—a girl—a living reminder of her father, with his dark hair and his wide, round eyes, solemn and appraising. She clings to me and I to her. She is my greatest comfort in all of this.

*   *   *

The
baby was born in July, and it was a few weeks later, on a warm September afternoon, that I made my decision. We were sitting together, my mother and I, in the kitchen of my parents’ house, looking out at the garden dappled in golden sunlight. My father was hunkered down beside the flower beds, pulling weeds and deadheading sweet peas. Dillon attended him, watching with a grave expression, dutifully handing over tools when they were called for. I studied the tension in his narrow shoulders, his quiet obedience, and felt vaguely unsettled. He had none of the mischief or vigor that a young boy should have. His stillness and compliance—the good boy that he was—worried me greatly. My head was swimming with exhaustion; every limb felt sodden and swamped, as if I were submerged in water, fully clothed, my soaked garments weighing me down. All I wanted was to let go of these thoughts and fears and constant anxieties and just sleep for more than three hours together. But I was also afraid of what might happen were I to let my guard down. My grief had not hit me yet, and I feared that a lowering of my defenses would merely provide it with an opportunity to creep in and engulf me.

“What about Hazel?” my mother said, snagging my attention.

The baby was asleep in her arms, swaddled in a blanket, my mother’s eyes locked on her little face.

“Hazel?”

“Yes. I’ve always thought it a lovely name.”

“I don’t think she’s a Hazel.”

“Alannah then?”

“No.”

“Well, you have to call her something,” my mother said after a moment, a note of impatience creeping into her voice. “We can’t go on calling her ‘baby.’ She’s almost two months old.”

I felt her voice like a tiny hammer pinging against the roof of my skull and turned back to gaze out the window.

She was right, of course. I would have to give the child a name. But since I had lost Harry, I had become unmoored. My pregnancy had been a blur of confusion, the birth an episode of pain and distress and sudden joy arising from my grief. Since then, I had been drifting through the days and weeks. Things happened around me, but I found it difficult to focus my attention, to lock down hard on any one thing. A form of running away, I suppose, by refusing to confront what was there. But it was the only way I could cope with everything that had happened. Sometimes, a hazy oblivion seemed like a form of solace. I felt the weight of responsibilities tugging at me, but making a decision, one as important as the name my daughter would bear for the rest of her life, seemed beyond me.

Outside, my father was holding his cupped hand out to Dillon, and the boy peered down into it, his neck straining with curiosity. It must have been a worm, or an insect of some kind, for suddenly my father brought his hand close to Dillon’s face, which sent the boy reeling backward, and then they both started laughing, and it was so surprising to see my son happy, so rare and unexpected, that my eyes filled with tears and I had to look away.

There was a hand on mine then, and I looked down at my mother’s fingers, diamonds sparkling above her wedding band.

“He’ll be all right,” she said softly, and I felt the emotion break within me, and the tears fell freely, and my voice, when I spoke, came out liquid and choked.

“He’s so broken,” I said.

“He’s safe now. That’s all that matters.”

“He won’t talk to me. He can hardly even bring himself to look at me.”

“It will take time, Robin, but he will come back to you. He’s your son.”

I shook my head and drew my hand away, pressing my fingertips against my eyelids.

“I feel like he blames me—for everything. For letting him be taken from me in the first place. And then, once he had forgotten me, once he had formed new bonds, I came along and broke those bonds, and he blames me for that, too.”

My mother drew in her breath, and I opened my eyes and saw the worry lines creasing her forehead, her lower lip sucked in in that anxious way of hers.

“Remember what the counselor said: it will take time—who knows how much time. Months, even years. But children are resilient. And he is tougher than he looks. Just like his mother.”

“I’m not tough. I’m barely hanging on, Mum.”

“Oh, Robin.”

She squeezed my hand again, and there was love and fear in that reassuring gesture, and I felt like a child again, a thirty-five-year-old child returned home and needing to be cared for and nourished, protected and guided all over again, and with this thought came a rising impatience with myself. I needed to do something. I needed to regain my life.

After Harry died, I’d been unable to go back to the house. I couldn’t face returning to the home we had shared and all the memories it contained, both good and bad. I’d had Dillon with me by then, and I couldn’t cope with him alone, his rejection of me, his unassailable anger and resentment toward me. I’d needed help. It was my father who’d suggested that we move back in with them.

“Just until the baby arrives,” he had said, “and you get back on your feet again.”

At the time, it had felt like a defeat of sorts, but then I’d felt defeated at so many levels that one more hardly made a difference. I’d told myself it would be best for Dillon, and that truth had been borne out as I’d watched him drawing close to my mother and father, accepting hugs from them, slowly opening up to them, a little voice emerging unsteadily from his mouth as they eased him into a routine. But with me he’d remained silent. Cold and distant. Resentment emanated from him in waves, and it amazed me, the patience with which he kept it going. Months had passed, and still there was no sign of any softening toward me. I’d thought that once the baby arrived, things might change, and while he showed an interest in his little sister, it never extended beyond her to me.

The feeling had been growing within me for some time that we needed to get away. There were too many memories here. I was dogged by nostalgia—and by gossip. The press had gotten hold of the story and had a field day with it. And while things had died down, I knew it would all start up again once the trial began. I felt too old to be living in my parents’ house. Were I to have any chance of rebuilding my relationship with my son, it would have to be done somewhere far away, without any help from my parents or anyone else. This was something I needed to do alone. I had the sense that were we to be thrown together in isolation, he would have no choice but to learn to trust me again.

Sitting there with my mother, staring out at the garden in the last flush of summer, I had a thought. It was unbidden and surprising, and yet, in that moment, it felt completely right. It felt like a gift. Tangier. The place of Dillon’s birth. But more than that, it was the one place where Harry had felt truly alive. The one place he had called home. I’d realized, in the weeks after I’d lost him, that he had never really settled in Dublin. The house had not been home to him, a place of refuge, a harbor. Instead, it had been a shell, lacking a center. A hollow space within which we had rattled around, circling each other, a cold cavern within which our suspicions of each other had been nurtured and allowed to grow.

Tangier was where he had left his heart. It was as if he had exacted an unspoken promise from me in the longing of his gaze that last time I’d looked upon him. To go back there. To bring the boy home.

Resolve formed within me, and I felt it strengthen and harden, and for the first time in all those long months, a feeling of excitement caught tightly in my chest. It glowed inside, and I looked up to tell my mother, but then decided against it. She was not ready for that. She would not understand my need to go, and I hadn’t the strength yet to persuade her of it. Instead I looked at her gently cradling her granddaughter in her arms.

“Martha,” I said softly. “That’s her name.”

My mother’s eyes clouded, and she offered me a watery smile before looking down at the sleeping child.

“Martha,” she said gently, trying it out.

Then she brought her face down to the baby and pressed her lips against Martha’s head.