The Israel Bond Omnibus (60 page)
Read The Israel Bond Omnibus Online
Authors: Sol Weinstein
“Auf Wiedersehen, jüdischer dumbkof!”
Gottenu!
Bond fell toward the tower, then with a divine inspiration, thrust the steel ring over the slender TV tower tip and came to a teeth-rattling stop.
Ringer!
He had made himself a living quoit.
The impact bent the tower, which began to rock sickeningly back and forth, but he held fast. Close your eyes, fool! Don’t look down until you’ve regained your equilibrium or you’ll surrender to a mad urge to let go. Think about something else. He thought about the terrible reception the area’s millions of TV viewers were getting this very instant because of the swaying tower. Bet the Mets
really
look shaky now, his sardonic wit told him.
There was a clatter above—Holzknicht, stunned by Bond’s coup, circled back for the kill. Bond released his right-hand grip on the steel ring to fish Goshen’s gun from the tux. He bit a sensual lip as the chopper zeroed in. Why doesn’t Herr Doktor open up with his machine gun? I’m defenseless against it. The pht-pht-pht of the blades gave him the grim answer. A last bit of Aryan sport. Holzknicht wanted to maneuver the craft in such a way that the blades would....
Now! You’ll have only one chance, buddy boy. Bond, his clothes flapping in the blade-made breeze, put a single shot into the copter. He hadn’t aimed for Holzknicht; it was the machine he had to stop before it shredded him into Cohenfetti. Not a bad line, he smiled, considering where I am.
He heard the first sputter, then a violent choking sound, and knew he had hit the control box and severed vital wires.
The doctor was frantically climbing out of the chopper; smoke began to curl ominously. Then Holzknicht leaped onto the tower, but he failed to grab it solidly and began a long slide toward Bond. “Die with me, Jüde!” His feet came down ponderously on the hand in the ring and Bond screamed; his bloody squashed fingers released it. They were falling together.
Even as he fell, Holzknicht’s hands moved to throttle Bond and the latter felt nails tearing at his neck, then slipping off as a crosscurrent swept the falling Nazi away from him.
The air rushed through Bond’s nose and ears; he could hardly catch his breath. He fell headfirst past the 86th floor and heard M.’s heartrending cry, down, down, past the 75th, where his face was spotted by a curvaceous brunette secretary in a window,
BLOCH & TACHLE, MARINE LAWYERS, whose eyes lit up in recognition. Yes, Hillary Katzenellenbogen, she of the unforgettable weekend at Brown’s Hotel in the Catskills, the body beautiful who had won the “Miss Jerry Lewis’ Favorite Resort” swimsuit title; be true to me, sweet Hillary; goodbye... past the 46th, KELSEY KOMPUTERS... hell, he owned a hundred shares of that! And it’s going up, up... and you’re going down, down, his wit needled him again; the 32nd... just a few more seconds, Oy Oy Seven, and that lithe, muscular body you prize so will be a stinking mess of smashed atoms on the 34th Street sidewalk... the 25th... at least the f—ing kraut goes with me; I hope you’re in heaven watching him blubbering as he falls, Sarah, my darling; the 19th... hey, TANTAMOUNT PICTURES is holding a screening of The Wind that was Gone is Back…; not bad; I saw it at the Cannes Film Festival... the leading lady was better in my bed than she was in the leading man’s... Valvolene, my darling… I’ll miss you... the 12th, 9th, 5th… zooming by the 4th floor and the huge sign LEVINE ‘N ROSE, LEGAL EAGLES, he heard a recorded voice of a chaneuse with an eerie resemblance to Piaf’s crooning in her emotional style:
If you’re heading for divorce,
Cherie, here’s your recourse,
Just call Levine ‘N Rose…
F. Lee Bailey (Monsieur Class)
Says they can save your ass,
So call Levine ‘N…
“…Adieu, little sparrow,” he whispered wistfully. I never did get to hear the last Rose. Last Rose of Summer? Picardy? My Wild Irish? Abie’s Irish? Second Hand?
And adieu to you too, Oy Oy Seven. Here comes the cement that’ll squash you into Kasha... 3, 2, 1... pain, pain, pain. Israel Bond crashed into something huge and black and his swan dive to glory was over.
Epilogue
Trivia Festival Week, that annual excursion into the nostalgia of yesteryear, was in full swing. At the Hotel Statler the Orphan Annie Fan Club crowded into a suite to sing:
“Who’s that sloppy little mess?
“Who wears that same ol’ goddam dress?
“Who can it be?
“It’s Little Orphan Annie!”
The oldest member, a Miss Hecate Sensenbaugh of Omaha, was given the coveted privilege of barking “Arf! Sez Sandy” at the appropriate moment in the song, not so much in deference to her golden years as for the fact that she possessed a pair of lidless, lashless, pupilless eyes. The new Lincoln Center for the Performing Seals housed a tremendous Trivia contest attended by 12,000 Triviaddicts, the very best of all an Elmo (Mr. Total Recall) Trickypepper of Shortweight, Oklahoma, who remembered that it was Tastee-Yeast who sponsored Jack Dempsey’s
My Battle With Life
on the radio. At the Americana the Tisch clan hosted the Bobby Benson bunch; the Donald Meek fans, every bit as fastidious as their hero, ate watercress sandwiches on paper plates and tittered at each other at the Warwick; the Johnson Family
[57]
and Amos ’N’ Andy Fan Clubs, gathered at Marsal’s at the Brevoort, made two historic decisions: (1) to merge; (2) to accept Negro members.
Utter solemnity, and quite fitting too, marked the Robert Armstrong Fan Club outdoor conclave on 34th Street. The president, made up and costumed to emulate the rugged film star, took off his pith helmet and led the members in the somber recital of the immortal old line: “It wasn’t the airplanes that got him; oh, no. ‘Twas Beauty who killed the Beast.” They whispered “Amen” and boarded the bus in silence.
So it was that a few minutes later the sorrowing M. led Latakia and the other crushed, tearful wedding guests out of a side entrance, not knowing that Oy Oy Seven had landed upon the fifty-ton Andy Warhol-designed, foam-rubber replica of King Kong, who himself had taken the terrifying plunge off the world’s tallest structure in the 1933 film classic.
Israel Bond, waist-deep in rubber and matted fur, was bloody and battered—understandably—but very much alive. There was no elation in his heart, for he had seen the warped genius who had taken his own true love’s life bounce off the simian’s skull into the back of a beer truck making its way toward—God only knew. His lips twisted into a moue of irony as the grey eyes saw the brand name on the truck— Lowenbrau. And they say
we’re
clannish, he thought bitterly.
There’ll be a day of judgment,
mein lieber Doktor Ernst Holzknicht
. We’ll cross trails again.
[58]
Maybe on an Alpine mountaintop, on a burning desert, in some impenetrable rain forest (to be truthful, I hope it isn’t a rain forest. My rain-forest attire is the tackiest part of my whole wardrobe), on a frozen tundra or across a crowded room. And once I have found you, I’ll never let you go.
FIN
YOU ONLY LIVE UNTIL YOU DIE
Dedications
RONNIE AXE
In Memoriam.
SAM and CHAI SOORA WEINSTEIN, ELLIE, DAVID and JUDY WEINSTEIN, DR. and MRS. HOWARD FRIEDMAN, HARRY and BESS EISNER, STAN and RHODA EISNER, JOE E. LEWIS, DON and SANDY BARNETT, JACKIE (RATFINK ROOM) GANNON, LOUIE and CAROLE KAMER, WALT and MATTI MYERS, BEVERLEY GITHENS, LAURA LANE, SANDY LESBERG, DR. HERMAN CORN, DR. JULIUS SOBEL, IDA BLITMAN BOB BOOKER and GEORGE FOSTER, LOU JACOBI, MARJORIE RUTH BERNSTEIN, LINDA LATZ, SHIRLEY TABACKMAN, ART HOPPE, BOB and VICKI LANE. DICK and ANDY MATHEWS, HERBERT EDELMAN, SAM JACOBS, MRS. E. LAUREN HOWIE TEDDER, BOB TEDDER, WARREN RENSHAW, ALPHA EPSILON PI of EMORY U. and RABBI HERBERT HENDEL.
MR and MRS. I. (DICK) AXE, CAROLE AXE, MORT SLAKOFF, BILL LEWIS, AUSTIN MACK HANNAH GRATZ, JAMES R. LOWELL, MAX LERNER, ROSARA BERMAN, MRS. ABRAHAM E. WEINBERG, ETTA KLEINER, BILLY GARBER, JEFF KELLER, JOAN KARPINSKI, MARCELLA TRUDNAK, MR. and MRS. SID LUTZKER, TED and SYBIL COOPER, LEN and HELENA BOGARDE, DENIS P. DORSEY, LAWRENCE OKAMURA, LEO RUTKOFF, JACK and MARY SHERMAN, JACK and DORIS SHERMAN, JOSH SHERMAN, HARRY and JOHN HOLLAND, IRWIN and MARGIE WEINSTEIN JOHNNY COATES JR., JOHNNY COATES SR., BOB (SMOKEY) STOVER, IRWIN MOSES, ART SHAINES, JERRY NEELMAN, FRANK SADOFSKY, JAMES M. STILL JR., MARVIN and BERNIE BLUMENTHAL, HERB and SAM BLUMENTHAL, DANNY ROTH, BEN MELZER, STAN LEDERMAN, NEWMAN HOFFMAN, GEORGE GORDON, PAULA MELZER, JULIA HECKEL, MARILYNN FULTON and DR. BERNIE AMSTER.
EARL WILSON, SAMMY DAVIS, KARL BARRIE, MORTY GUNTY, LEE TULLY, SOUPY SALES, VIC LaVOLPE, DON and BEV PALMER, SAM PLUMERI, ROSE (SAM) DeWOLF, HARRY HARRIS, PAUL LEVINE, CLAIRE HUFF, WALT CANTER, STEVE FLANDERS, MAL WEST, MARK MONSKY, CIRO TORCHIA, KIRK NUROCK, CHUCK WIECHARD, ERIC COHEN, FRANK ZUBACK, BILL PETTIT, STEVE (“THE SCENE”) PAUL, SANDY OPPENHEIMER, BILL WINTERS and JACK (NIGHT TALK) McKINNEY. SY and MALVINA VOGEL, NATHAN A. FRIEDMAN, ESQ., MARV and MARSHA ROSENBERG, ARNIE SOMERS, STEVE SCHENKEL, FRED BERK, ALLEN DELIN, HARVEY and HARRIETT BLATT, LIPPY and SYLVIA EISNER, LEONARD G. FELDMAN, HARRIET HOROWITZ, SAM and BOOTSI COLODNY, MILTON LEVINE, BILL and LIL HOLSTEIN, MONIQUE VAUGEL, MARIO and MARGE PASCUCCI, NICK TOLKACH, ANN BOEKER, LEE J. MALTENFORT, LES ROBERTS, MIKE ROSENFELD and SUKEMASA YAGIHASHI and MICHIHIKO YAMATO, collegians.
SID SHLAK, LEON BROWN, JOE FRANKLIN, GODFREY (WEIGHT-WATCHER) CAMBRIDGE ED BROWN, JUDY EDELMAN, DEBBIE BAKER, CARMELA CANDELA, JACK CURTIS, JOEL DORN, LEN and NORA FISCHMAN, HARRY BOTOFF, BERNIE GOLDBERG, NEIL LEVENSON, DR. HOWARD LEVENSON, JULIUS (YUDEL) KAPLAN, IRWIN and HERBIE SPIEGEL, MARV HABAS, FRANK MARRERO, JIM TIGHE, DEBBIE MILLER, CHARLIE TRESKY, CHICK HALFON, FLORENCE FRIEDMAN, LENNIE WERKSTELL, FRAN SHANKIN, LILLIAN STUDNIA, WALT LAMOND, MARTIN and MIRIAM LAIBOW, KATHY MICHEL, LENNIE ORLAND, MEL (SHAKY) KUSHNER, METZ BERGER, ALVIN BERGER, SELMA FEGELSON, NORMAN LEIGHTON, BOB GOLDMAN, ARTHUR (TEN COPIES) AZARCHI, BUDDY (FLASH) MYERS, and JIM FRASCELLA of the A & P.
WILLIAM and DOLLY BANKS, JACK DASH, GEORGE WILSON, SID MARK, STEW CHASE, GEORGE LYLE, JIMMY CARTER, JOE HUNTER, BOB EVANS and RICK FRIEDMAN (all of WHAT-FM, Philadelphia), LOU DEITCH, NORMAN, PHYLLIS, MARK, DANA and JULIE SHAVIN.
CONG. CHARLES LONGSTREET WELTNER, DON TUCKER, BILL, MIKE and JEFF WILLIAMS, MR. and MRS. FORREST DUKE, LAURA TRACY, BOB JOYCE of KRAM, Vegas, DR. MICHAEL DEAN, COAST GUARD LT. COMDR. ED ARD, DR. and MRS. SEYMOUR LEDIS, BRUCE HUFF, MRS. DONALD L. RANSOM JR., PAMELA and GERALDINE LANDOU, PAUL S. HAYNIE, SID BRUMMEL, AL and THELMA BARON, CARL (KUSHELEH) ROSENTHAL, DAVID R. WEISMAN, PAUL DOBISH, RON LEVASSEUR, CHRISTIAN JACOBSEN, GEORGE COHEN, HUMPSIE and ABE FINKLE, MICKEY and HELEN DANER, GEORGE (JEEBEE) TEMKIN, LEW and EVELYN MARSHALL, KEN and CAROLE SYME, NORM and MARGE WEINSTEIN, LABRON SHUMAN (and his burnoose), and LINDA BILLINGTON.
JOE and CEIL BERKOWITZ, DR. RICHARD E. SELZNICK, LEN FEINBERG, LEON ROSENBERG, MEL (TWINKLE) STARR, IRWIN BODEE, WILLIE COHEN, MUFFY COHEN, HERBIE CLARK, NORM WISHNOW, JACK HAVESON, EUGENE HAVESON, LEN (FLOPPY) SWERDLOW, HERMAN KRAHN, HERB BRODY, JOE BELLITZ, MEYER BLOOM, JERRY HEYMAN, IRVING BUDDINE, RABBI WILLIAM FIERVERKER, ARLENE BERLIN, WALLACE WEINSTEIN, WARREN REDNOR, JERRY REDNOR, ABBIE BASH, IZZY POLLACK, RED NUSSBLATT, JOE ROGOFF, SHARKY ROSENTHAL, ACE AARONSON, TEDDY SNYDER, BARRY SNYDER, LON FRIEDMAN, GIL SUSSMAN, LOUISE STARK, ALAN HARRIS, BOB COWART, WILLIAM M. COWAN, MARC DROGIN, JEFFREY BYERLY, LEWIS LIPPIN, DR. EDWARD JAFFEE, RABBI BENJAMIN SINCOFF, CLEVELAND AMORY, ART ABRAMSOHN, JACK SHAW, and DAVE WISNIA.
ROBERT PINCUS, BILL and TURK TASHLIK, MAURICE POTOSKY, MRS. NELLIE GOETTEL, LARRY FUCHSBERG, CECE DANTZIG, MAX YOUNG, MARK, DIANA, SHIRA and MICHAEL GOLDMAN, BILL (VELVEL) SCHULMAN, BENNIE KEINER, SAMMY MORRIS, LARRY GELMAN, JACK and FRANCES ROSENBERG, JACK and SOPHIE ROSENBERG, DAVID NYMAN, DAVID VAN METER, CAROLE WOLFORD, SHYRLEE DALLARD, JOHN CARTER of A.G.A.C., VIC WOOLF, MRS. KIM MARSH, JOAN ALBERT of the Fontainebleau, PHIL ZELT, MO JAFFE and SGT. RICHARD LIPSHUTZ. PAUL GALLAGHER, EDDIE GOLDSTEIN, SAM BUSHMAN, HILDE SIMMONS, CONNIE KRATZOK, GWENDA TALENS, HAROLD (HESHY) STRAUSE, JOE and CHARLOTTE NASSAU, JERRY and MURIEL HIMMEL, JOSEPH McNAMARA, MAURY LEVY, MATT SLEEPER, MOISHE and BOOMIE SEGAL, IRV KERN, DR. LEONARD PHILLIPS, ARNOLD TOMOR, ISRAEL (COKE) RUBIN, DR. MILTON PALAT, DR. GEORGE ISAACSON, DR. ARNOLD KIMMEL, MARTIN and MINNA SAVAR, ABE and JERRY HERSH, ANDY FLAGER, BUS SAIDT, YALE RABINOWITZ, SAUL ROSSIEN, MILTON FEINBERG, PHIL (FIFEL) BLOOM, NATE, SAM and FRED MELMAN, TEDDY FLAER, PHIL MILLSTEIN, IRV DANA, NORMAN STERN, HARVEY STERN, SHIRLEY MERRIMAN, and NICK MEGLIN.
JACK (ELEPHANT BOY) WALSH, BARRY REISMAN, MELVIN KARTZMER, LEON KARTZMER, CHARLIE PAPIER, DONNIE PAPIER, BARBARA SYKES, MOLLY LEVINE, JOE CANNON, HAZEL SWEENEY, ROGER GLACKIN, CLAIRE MILLER, MR. and MRS. GERRY FINN, BENNIE MOSKOWITZ and JULES RESNICK.