The Key (14 page)

Until two years ago, Minoo had little idea about death. Her dad’s father died before she was born and she has no memory of his wife, her grandmother, who died when Minoo was three years old. As for her mother’s parents, her father had been killed by the regime in Iran and her mother had been too ill to come with her daughters when they sought asylum in Sweden. She had died before they could arrange to bring her here.

Minoo’s first encounter with death was when she saw the dead body of her classmate Elias in the school toilet. It wasn’t the last.

She hears Dad’s car, then listens as he walks towards the house. She imagines his sweating forehead and red face. His belly bulging over the waistband of his trousers.

Now, he opens the front door. She can hear his heavy breathing.

Minoo can’t stop herself and bursts into tears. When he enters the sitting room, she turns away so he won’t see her face.

‘How did it go today?’

She tries to suppress her sobs but can’t. He comes to sit next to her, puts his hand on her back.

‘Sweetheart, how are things?’

She suddenly feels very small. She is angry with him, but at the same time she wants him to comfort her. He pulls her close and she presses her face against his shoulder. Her tears soak into the material of his shirt. Suddenly, she is crying wildly. She hopes Anna-Karin won’t hear her.

‘Was the funeral so sad?’

She pulls away from him and looks him in the eye.

‘I don’t want you to die. Don’t you get that?’

Dad looks shocked. There is a little moisture on his glasses, near his nose.

‘Minoo …’

‘And I hate you because you don’t listen to me.’

Her voice is thick.

‘What do you mean?’

He seems completely at a loss. It makes her even angrier.

‘You know I’ve learnt first aid. That’s why I was able to try to resuscitate Mia. I’ll tell you why I learnt it. It’s because every single day I dread finding
you
flat out on the floor.’

Dad tries to say something, but Minoo gets in first.

‘You seem set on killing yourself. Your father was younger than you are now when he had a heart attack and died. And you do nothing to stop the same thing happening to you. Always loads of stress at work. And you don’t think twice about what you eat. And take the car everywhere. And sleep max five hours and … can’t you see it will kill you?’

She can’t hold back the sob and is almost too choked to speak.

‘So, you see … if you die, I’ll never forgive you,’ Minoo finishes.

She expects Dad to get angry, as he always does when anyone mentions his health. He will sigh or say something cutting or actually start shouting.

But he doesn’t do anything like that. Instead, he doesn’t utter a word, just hugs her and strokes her back.

Vanessa inspects her face in the mirror in Linnéa’s loo. Her eyes are swollen and red-rimmed.

She went home after the funeral and cried in her mother’s arms. And while Mum hugged her and tried to comfort her, Vanessa was thinking about Anna-Karin, who no longer had a mother to hold her. A mother who didn’t seem to hold her even when she was alive. And then it struck Vanessa that her mum would die one day and she cried even more. She had to pull herself together in the end, because she knew that Linnéa was waiting for her. But, as soon as Vanessa arrived at Linnéa’s, she started crying again.

Vanessa blows her nose and returns to the sitting room. Music is playing and Linnéa is fixing something in the kitchen.

The music comes from a laptop that is far too new and expensive for the flat. Vanessa remembers the day it was presented to Linnéa. Vanessa had come over for a serious talk but didn’t manage to get a word out, only watched Linnéa clean the floor. They had been so close to kissing, and maybe they would have done if Viktor hadn’t turned up carrying the laptop, saying she needed a replacement for the one that had been destroyed in the break-in.

Vanessa checks out the room. Minoo’s parents found the beige sofa and teak table in their attic and lent them to Linnéa. The china panther has had its broken head glued back on and looks like a Frankenstein’s monster-version of its old self. The worn wallpaper with its pattern of little flowers is slowly becoming covered once more with a new selection of drawings, posters and pictures. Linnéa has managed to repair the wooden cross that was a gift from Elias.

A wave of hatred against the fuckers who destroyed everything washes through Vanessa.

‘Would you like to eat something? All I’ve got is spaghetti.’

Linnéa carries two mugs of steaming tea from the kitchen.

‘Spaghetti is fine.’ Vanessa sits down on the sofa.

Linnéa opens the window. A blue tit that had perched on the window ledge flies away. Then she lights a cigarette. She is still wearing the dress from the funeral, black with puff sleeves, but she has pulled off her tights and walks about in bare feet. All her nails are painted the same dark purple. Her long black hair has been pulled back into two bunches. She is so beautiful it almost hurts just to look at her.

How could it take so long for me to understand? Vanessa thinks.

Still, there is a lot she doesn’t get. In the movies, everything reaches a conclusion when the lovers kiss. Problems have been solved, questions answered. Time for the titles to roll. By now, Vanessa and Linnéa have kissed hundreds of times but, as far as Vanessa can see, problems are still around and questions are far from answered.

Like, where does Linnéa want to go with this? If she wants anything at all, that is.

Vanessa tries to drink some tea, but it is still scalding and she puts the mug down again.

Linnéa stubs out her cigarette, closes the window and comes over to the table. She touches Vanessa’s mug. The steam vanishes.

‘Now try it,’ she says.

The tea has cooled. It is perfect. Vanessa sips it and then, suddenly, something clicks. She realises that she can’t stand another second of uncertainty. She must know.

‘This isn’t working.’ She puts the mug down.

‘What? Still too hot?’

‘No, I meant all this,’ Vanessa says. ‘This thing we have together. We have to talk about it.’

A light seems to switch off in Linnéa’s eyes.

‘Do we really have to?’

‘Don’t you think so?’

‘I guess,’ Linnéa says quietly.

She settles back at the other end of the sofa.

‘Look, don’t get me wrong. I usually don’t have anything against just hanging out and having sex and having fun,’ Vanessa tells her. ‘But, with you, it’s not fun. I feel … I feel too much.’

Linnéa only looks at her. Her corner of the sofa seems miles away. Vanessa forces herself to continue, even though she feels that the gap between them widens with every word.

‘You said you aren’t sure what this thing we’ve got means,’ she says. ‘And I can’t stand not knowing any more. Either we are together or not. Aren’t we?’

‘What do you think?’ Linnéa’s face is a mask.

Now Vanessa isn’t nervous any more, she’s angry.

‘Don’t ask me! We used to talk about everything. Now … I feel less like we’re a couple now than before we got together. The atmosphere can turn all stiff and edgy in an instant. No, fuck the atmosphere … it’s
you
who goes all stiff and edgy. I wonder sometimes if you even like being with me, or if you have – like – nothing better to do. And it doesn’t help that you don’t want anyone to know about us, so I can’t even talk to someone about how I feel. It’s fucking with my self-confidence and that’s not OK.’

She is almost breathless.

‘So true,’ Linnéa says. ‘It’s not OK at all.’

‘If you don’t want to be with me for real, please tell me now,’ Vanessa says. ‘Then we’ll ditch all this and agree to meet up as little as possible, except when we’re saving the world together with the others.’

Linnéa studies her hands.

‘Please, look at me,’ Vanessa says.

Linnéa looks up. Her fringe almost hides her eyes.

‘What I don’t get is how come you’re asking …’ Her voice is hoarse. ‘Surely, you must realise …’

She stops and looks pleadingly at Vanessa, who simply waits. She won’t let her escape. Time passes. Then Linnéa hides her face in her hands and keeps her fingers pressed against her forehead.

‘I’m so useless at all this,’ she mumbles.

‘How do you mean, “all this”?’

Linnéa takes a deep breath and lowers her hands. She is crying. Not as Vanessa cried moments ago, sobbing and snorting. Linnéa’s tears just flow.

‘Do you know the most fucked-up thing of all?’ she says. Her voice is faint. ‘Some part of me is out to ruin everything. It’s always like that when something good happens.’

‘Wait. So you think what we have is good?’ Vanessa asks cautiously.

Linnéa sighs deeply. ‘Vanessa, I think you don’t understand …’

She stops talking for a moment and looks seriously at Vanessa. ‘I love you. I have been in love with you for ages.’

Silence. The words seem to hang in the air between them.

‘How long is “ages”?’

‘Like, a year and a half.’

A year and a half. Eighteen months. And Vanessa felt it positively hurt to bottle up her own feelings for just
one
month.

‘How could you bear it?’ she asks.

Linnéa laughs a little. ‘I couldn’t. It was awful.’

‘Why didn’t you say anything?’

‘Because you’re fantastic and deserve someone who is fantastic, too.’

Vanessa wiggles along to Linnéa’s end of the sofa.

‘I love you too.’ It’s a relief to say it out loud. ‘And I think I’ve been in love with you for a long time. It just took me some time to realise it.’

‘Shame you’re so stupid,’ Linnéa says with a little smile.

‘Shame you’re so chicken.’ Vanessa grins broadly.

Linnéa wipes her tears away with the back of her hand.

‘I want to be with you,’ she says. ‘But could we wait to tell people for a while?’

‘Sure, we’ll wait. For a while.’

Vanessa plays with the silky-smooth hair in Linnéa’s bunches, then sweeps her fringe to the side and looks into her dark eyes.

And then there is nothing more to talk about.

Linnéa’s mouth tastes of smoke and tea and Linnéa. Somehow, it feels as if they are kissing for the first time.

Vanessa is kissing Linnéa’s neck when she suddenly feels warmth spreading along her own neck. She slides her hand in under Linnéa’s dress and starts stroking her hip. Her own hip is tingling delightfully, and then a shiver spreads all the way down to the back of her knees and onto the soles of her feet.

Vanessa looks up and sees Linnéa gazing at her.

‘I think I just felt exactly what you felt,’ she says.

‘And I felt what you were feeling,’ Linnéa replies. ‘As well as feeling what I felt myself, of course.’

They keep gazing at each other. And then start to laugh at the same time.

This must be explored
, Linnéa thinks.

She straightens up and slips out of her dress. Reaches for the back of Vanessa’s neck, pulls her in close and sucks on her lower lip. It is wonderful, and then Vanessa feels the wonder of it again as the feelings echo between them. Vanessa pulls off her top and Linnéa unhooks her bra and kisses the base of her neck, her breasts.

Christ
, Linnéa thinks.
This is almost too much
.

Vanessa can only agree.

Especially when Linnéa slides her fingers into Vanessa’s panties, when she begins to caress her.

They kiss.

Vanessa reaches behind Linnéa’s back and undoes her bra, while Linnéa tugs at her bright pink panties.

Every nerve in Vanessa’s body buzzes and crackles like a lit sparkler. She kisses Linnéa’s knees, then carries on upwards, along the insides of her thigh.

Her own body is her guide.

When Linnéa wakes, it is night outside, but still light enough for her to make out Vanessa’s naked body on the other side of the bed.

‘Did that just happen?’ Linnéa whispers, unsure if Vanessa is asleep or not.

‘I think so.’

Vanessa moves over and lies close to Linnéa.

‘If this is what sex will be like from now on, I don’t think I’ll ever want to do anything else,’ Vanessa tells her. ‘Ever.’

‘I know what you mean.’

Linnéa cannot recall when she has felt so calm before. So light. And the nightmares had stayed away.

‘Do you remember the first time I came here? When I was going to borrow clothes from you?’ Vanessa asks. ‘If someone had told us back then that this would happen …’

Linnéa smiles and lets her hand slide over the contour of Vanessa’s hip. Her skin is so indescribably soft.

‘I wonder what Wille will say when he hears that his two exes are together,’ Vanessa continues. ‘Think about it. Total horror.’

They laugh.

‘By the way, Minoo knows already,’ Linnéa says. ‘I mean, she knows that I am in love with you. Once, I happened to project my thoughts about you.’

‘What did Minoo say?’

‘She said she thought it wasn’t hopeless at all.’

‘Oh, my God, even Minoo got it before I did.’

They both laugh again. Somewhere nearby, someone is driving a motorbike without a silencer.

‘Though I think the worst thing is that Mona knew before I did,’ Vanessa continues. ‘She told my fortune once and said that I had already met the love of my life. And that it wouldn’t be easy, but we would be tied to each other until the end.’

Hearing Vanessa say
until the end
makes Linnéa hold on to her even harder.

‘Listen, Linnéa. I am really sorry about the way I rabbited on about all the guys I was seeing last spring. Hearing about the whole sad parade must’ve been like torture for you.’

‘Of course you needn’t apologise for that,’ Linnéa says.

‘But it can’t have been much fun for you when I turned up here and went on and on about Jari?’

‘Don’t think about it,’ Linnéa says. Meaning that
she
doesn’t want to think about it.

‘Anyway. What time is it?’ Vanessa asks.

She rolls over to the other side of the bed and reaches for her mobile on the floor.

‘Shit. It’s twelve o’clock. Mum has called loads.’