The Knitting Circle Rapist Annihilation Squad (15 page)

He stands, walks to a chalkboard, and draws two dots three feet apart. “The dot on the left is a man. The dot on the right is a woman. He can't be raping her, because he's three feet away. It can't be done, even by someone who is as well endowed as … well, we're not here on the Glenn Beck show to talk about Glenn Beck. Anyway, if the male dot wants to rape the female dot, what would it have to do?”

He pauses, looks at the camera.

“Yes, exactly. It would have to
move
toward the female dot.” He draws an arrow from the male dot partway toward the female dot. “Now, if this female dot didn't want to be ‘raped,' to use their word, what would she do? Exactly, she would move away. And if the man wanted to ‘rape' her, to still use their heavily loaded word, the man would have to chase her, to
run.
And the woman would do what? Exactly. She would run away.

“Now, this is the truth no one wants you to know. The
truth so terrifying that only I have the courage and integrity to tell you. The truth is, well, wait—”

He interrupts himself to stare at the camera, compose his face into a thoughtful look, then ask, almost casually, “When was the last time you saw a woman running in terror? Today? Yesterday? The day before? Right now there are plenty of women in this studio, and none of them are running. Sometimes I see women jogging, but, and here's the key point,
no one is chasing them.
These women are running from nothing, and they aren't even running that fast. And even when women do run fast, as at a track meet, still,
no one is chasing them.
So, when women aren't running, no one is raping them, and when women are running, no one is raping them; besides, you couldn't rape someone while she runs! This tells us all we need to know to understand that this ‘rape' business is all a fabrication.

“I can hear you thinking, ‘But, Glenn, why would these women fabricate such a monstrous plot against innocent men?' I think you know the answer. But I want you to be able to think for yourself and end up thinking just like me, so I'm going to make another diagram.”

He erases the dots on the chalkboard and makes a big
X.
He says, “These are two crossed knitting needles. What happens if we break both ends of each knitting needle and turn them ninety degrees, just like these women break truth and turn it ninety degrees?”

He erases each end of the chalk line and redraws it at a perpendicular to reveal:

“These women are socialists! They are lying to us when they say that rape occurs. If they tell us this big lie often enough, we will begin to believe it. Never, ever believe the big lie.”

“The Circle of Compassionate Gentleness” posts a blog entry (which is pretty much the only thing they do, except for meditation, yoga, and lots of therapy) stating, “In the softest, kindest, most gentlest terms, the CoCG expresses our most sorrowful, most guilt-inducing, most for-their-own-good disapproval of these heinous acts committed by these misguided women. Yes, we gently and comfortably deplore whatever acts of you-know-what (we prefer never to use the viol--ce word) these women may
perceive
that poor, sad, misguided, wounded men
may
have committed against them, but these poor, sad, misguided, wounded men need our love and compassion and healing. We urge these women, in the softest, kindest, most gentlest terms, to please not upset us by committing heinous acts of viol--ce against these wounded men who can and will be changed by the wonderful power of love and compassion. We would smugly remind these women that gentleness is both a possible and powerful politics, and we would ask them, with glycerin tears in our eyes, to consider the effects and influences of their lives in the light of at least fourteen sacred degrees of separation.”

Franz Mayhaim takes time from his busy day cruising porn sites (his favorite is
www.mobilevaginaresources.com
) to look for love, compassion, and healing on the internet. In fact, that is precisely the phrase he Googles, and up pops the Circle's website. Franz immediately knows he has to interview the Circle's manager and CEO, William McCant.

They meet at the Circle's offices, offices so gentle they have no sharp corners that could be hurty and no doors that could obstruct the movement of compassion.

Franz asks, “So, William, presuming that rape actually
exists, something about which the science is extremely clouded, what are the most important things we can do to stop rape?”

McCant answers, smoothly, gently, “First, stop trying to stop rape. This sounds counterintuitive, but it's based on several profound manifestations of my own wise understanding. The first is that it's not our job to stop rape or to save women. Women don't need us to save them. Women don't even need to save themselves. To say they need to be saved implies that the eternal now is not already eternally perfect, and to do so is to insult the power of living and experiencing what we are living and experiencing right now. It is to ignore the power of the now. The now is incredibly powerful, Franz. You are here, and I am here. And there is no rape taking place right here, Franz. Do you see how powerful and transformative this is? The question isn't, ‘How can I stop rape?' but rather, it's ‘How can I become more present here? How can I learn to listen better to what's going on for me, within me, around me? Why are these women so unenlightened and so impatient and so demanding that they presume the present isn't good enough, when that's all they have to work with? Why do they presume the present isn't good enough simply because they are being sexually assaulted? Franz, these women need to do some serious work on themselves.”

“You're right, William, that's very profound.”

“Thank you. I prefer to be called Willie.”

“Got it, Willie.”

“Second, trying to save anybody or anything often ends up with well-intentioned blindness. People become so convinced they're on the Side of The Angels that they don't think to question themselves. That, then, all too easily leads to shoulds, musts, and have-tos, directed at other people. It becomes so easy then to blame rapists for their actions, to say that they ‘should not'
rape, they ‘must not' rape, they ‘have to' not rape. And that sort of well-intentioned arrogance is a blight that must be eliminated through whatever passive-aggressive means we can muster. Third, I find it a little disheartening to have expectations or aspirations so huge they approach the infinitudes of impossibility, when I think of little ol' me in my little ol' life. I avoid despair where I can, because it is hurty, and it makes me feel so sad, and I don't want to feel sad, because feeling sad makes me sad.” Willie stops a moment, sucks his thumb. When he's able to continue, he says, “Stopping rape sounds like something for a superhero, and the last time I checked, I'm no superhero. But to keep myself from feeling as completely ineffective as I really am, I have to assume at every moment that I do make a difference, somehow, even when it's clear I don't. So, since I'm not really a stop rape kind of guy, and since I don't want to feel bad about not being a stop rape kind of guy, it's important to me that no one else try to stop rape, or it will make me feel inferior, like I should actually be doing something instead of sitting on my beautifully gentle buttocks in my beautifully gentle office, beautifully and gently meditating. So I think the women should stop trying to stop rape. That is the first step toward stopping rape.”

Franz says, “That is brilliant, and brilliantly compassionate, Willie.”

Willie McCant says, “Thank you, and I prefer to be called Li'l Willie.”

“Understood, Li'l Willie.”

Li'l Willie continues, “We have to place our small changes in a larger context, to discover the ways the insignificant changes we make in our own lives link to larger currents, structures, movements, resonances, vibes. We have to look at chaos theory, quantum theory, string theory, all these scientific theories that I
don't understand but that nonetheless show me how me sitting here and delighting in the sensation of the heat emanating into my buttocks from this electrically heated ergonomic meditation pillow will help suffering people everywhere. I am sending this comfort and pleasure into the world, and just as in capitalism a rising tide lifts all boats, so my own happiness and comfort raises the universal happiness and comfort quotient for the world, lifting everyone else's happiness and comfort. So when I hear of some atrocity somewhere, I know the best thing I can do is make myself more happy and comfortable, because I know the happier and more comfortable I am, the happier everyone, including the victims of those atrocities, will be. It's scientific!”

Franz is barely able to articulate, “I'm in awe, Li'l Willie. Absolutely stunned.”

Li'l Willie says, “Thank you, Franz. I prefer to be called Tiger.”

Franz murmurs, “I can see why.”

Tiger continues, “It is this knowledge that allows me to face up to even a tiny fraction of the horrors out there: the knowledge that each time I perceive some horror, my role in fighting back—and I'm a very big part of the struggle—is to make myself more and more comfortable and happy. Because we can't avoid all knowledge of these atrocities. If I could avoid that knowledge, I would, since that knowledge is so hurty. But I can't. Clear-cutting happens. Mountaintop removal mining happens. ‘Ethnic cleansing' happens. Corporate greed happens. War happens. ‘Rape' happens.”

Franz interjects, “Or it may not. There is serious doubt among some scientists.”

“That's why I put quote marks around the word
rape,
Franz.
But the important thing is not whether or not it does happen. The important thing is that we not assign responsibility in any case. I said, ‘Rape happens.' I did not say that anyone commits any of these atrocities, because I want to stay away from any notion of blame. I want to stay away from any notion of blame because if we assign responsibility, ‘He raped her,' or ‘He ordered a clear-cut,' then we are back in the land of judgment, implying he should not rape her; he should not order that clear-cut. And we can't make those judgments, because having made those judgments it becomes morally reprehensible not to take the sides of the victims, and having taken the side of the victim it becomes morally reprehensible to not act decisively to defend that victim. And I'm not a stop-rape kind of guy, so I need to not start down that path at all, but rather become extremely adept at the use of passive voice.”

There follows the sort of comfortable silence that passes between the insufferably smug when they're drawn together by common desires and techniques to avoid taking responsibility.

Finally Franz says, “Brilliant, Tiger. Nothing less.”

Tiger says, “Thank you. I prefer to be called Li'l Willie, Tiger Boy.”

Franz says, “Your wish is my command.”

Li'l Willie, Tiger Boy, says, “Rowr.”

Franz smiles, his whole body tingling.

Li'l Willie, Tiger Boy, says, “The most important thing about any conversation is that it end by being about me. So when you ask what are the most important things we can do to stop rape, I immediately ask, ‘How can I clarify what is most important to me?' I think it's important to regularly check in with myself about what's important to me. In fact it's so important I'm going to say that it's important to regularly check
in with myself about what's important to me again and again. And it's important for me to check in with others too to make sure they know what's important to me. So, when you ask me what are the most important things we can do to stop rape, I ask the same ‘question cycle' I ask about everything: 1) What's important to me? 2) What's important to others? 3) What about what's important to me comes from others, other times, or other places? 4) What would I like to be important to me?”

Franz says, “I'm confused, Li'l Willie, Tiger Boy. I thought we were talking about rape (presuming it occurs).”

Li'l Willie, Tiger Boy, responds, “I thought we were talking about me. But if you do want to talk about rape (presuming it occurs), here are some suggestions I would make to the knitting circle women. I don't think they are very courageous. I think they're taking the easy way out, the harmful way out. It doesn't take any courage to use a knitting needle to stab a man who has two guns, three knives, a chain, and steel-toed boots, a man who outweighs you by a hundred pounds, and who is because of his own prior woundings attempting to do you great bodily harm. That takes no courage whatsoever. I'll tell you what takes courage—and it takes courage right now for me to sit on my electrically heated ergonomic meditation pillow and say this to you, because I don't think you'll take my advice, I think you'll reject me, I think you'll act without consideration for my feelings whatsoever, and you won't even care if you are hurty and you make me cry, but I'm going to tell you anyway. It takes courage to remain small and ineffectual. I challenge these women to have the courage to
be,
to be present in the perfect and eternal now. I challenge them to have the courage to learn, the courage to learn what it was in their past lives or in their past energy that has called this into their lives, the courage to learn the wondrous
lesson life is trying to teach them by giving them this wonderful opportunity, the courage to open themselves up to others, physically, emotionally, spiritually, including to those they may
perceive
as exploiting them, the courage to see things from the so-called rapists' perspective (as I do), and to ask themselves why they so desperately want to hurt these poor innocent wounded men whose only crime is that they need love and acceptance and don't know how to get it. And finally, I would urge them to have the courage to see things from my perspective, to see that their actually fighting back makes me feel ashamed of my own cowardice.”