The Language Inside (52 page)

I nod

sip my ginger ale

order him another

and sometimes there’s this draw to my father

and I want to see him but I know I shouldn’t

and I can’t seem to separate him from drinking

and I hate the way Beth and Chris and my mom and stepfather

all talk down about him and warn me off him

sometimes I just want a break
he says

from all the expectations

people have of me

in Lowell

it’s like I can never just chill

there’s always something that has to be done

               
for family

               
for the community here

               
for people in Cambodia

there’s not much room

for doing what I want

what is it you want to do?
I ask

I don’t know
he says

but I want to figure it out myself

I tell Samnang

what Zena told me

               
take control of what you can

and I tell him to call me

if he feels the need to see his father

if it’s really just a need to drink

and then I say

I could go with you

to see him sometime

if you want

I could be there, nearby

he says
thanks

and then he’s silent

and I give him more silence

as we go through the pile of fries

the six-pack with one missing

is at my feet as we buckle our seat belts

Samnang turns up the heat

and starts reversing to head out of the lot

but I tell him to drive around

to the back of the diner

when he does I get out

and place the five beers

on the ground by the back door

               an offering

then I jump in the car

say
go!

and we drive around the front

without being seen

now, take me to Chris and Beth’s
I say

then I’ll have Chris drive me home

but Samnang pulls out onto the main road

going the opposite direction from Chris and Beth’s

and says
no

no?

no
he says

why?
I say now nervous

I’ll take you home first
Samnang says

then I’ll go home

I didn’t drink, I won’t drink

so don’t you doubt me, too

okay, I won’t doubt you

ever
he says

and I’m surprised by this word

he glances at me

slows the car

says it again

softly

               
ever

and I take a breath and say

               
ever

Samnang doesn’t go see his dad

and when he and I arrive

at the Newall Center the next morning

chairs and wheelchairs

are already arranged in a circle

and Lin, the rec director

is laughing and chatting with everyone

and I’m beginning, just beginning

to get her jokes

Samnang sits by Leap Sok

I sit by Zena who’s grinning

seated as she is in her chair

radiant, in full mermaid costume

Serey’s between two Cambodian women

and there are a number of

university students, it seems

paired with other patients

the poet introduces herself

and says how happy she is to be with

               all of us poets

that she can’t wait to hear

what we’ve been working on

she tells us first

we will go around the room

and read, each read

a poem

or a stanza from a poem

or a paragraph or two from a story

or a section from a memoir

and she looks at each of us students

and says
you, too!

aside from Zena

and my English teacher Mr. Hays

and on birthday cards

I have never shared my poems

with anyone