The Language Inside (55 page)

we go to the same restaurant

where we ate with the dance troupe

but this time we take a small table

and I order the Phnom Penh noodle soup

which comes with seafood and meat and stuff

that I like except for the thin slices of

what Samnang calls liver sausage

we have tea

and we don’t talk

until we’re done slurping and drinking

then Samnang says

thanks for your help last night

that was the worst I’ve been

in three years

I thought I was too late
I say

I’m going to AA tonight
he says

good
I say

and remind him he can call me

anytime

and he says

I know

I look at him

and he looks straight back at me

               into me

and there’s a calm

between us

we are just sitting, breathing

I think we are smiling

with our eyes

and I feel like we just turned a corner

but I don’t yet know

what’s around the bend

when he pulls up in front of YiaYia’s

I ask him if he’s going to his

dance practice tomorrow

and when he says yes

I ask if I could maybe join in

from, like, next week

learn the folk dances

just following along in the back if it’s okay

and he says he’ll talk to the director tomorrow

I know I’m only here for a year

but I’d like to learn what I can

he thinks it’s fine

and reminds me

the performance is next Friday

so I might have to wait a week or two

to start

I ask if I can watch his performance

if that’s okay with him

and he smiles

shakes his head, says

sometimes Zena’s right

you really are a dodo

he peers into my eyes

and again practically right through me

then he leans over

lightly turns my chin

kisses me

and says

yes

I’m practically flying

when I get in the house

for a minute I just hold still

in the quiet kitchen

breathing

not sure if I should

sit

stand

walk upstairs

or put my arms out

and try to soar

up there

I shout

but no one’s home except Toby

on the computer in Mom’s room

so I go upstairs and flop onto my bed

delirious

when Mom and YiaYia finally arrive

home from shopping for loose shirts

I’m writing in my journal

I go down to the kitchen

and Mom shows me

first one top with asymmetrical lines

then two loose and billowy

next another smocklike—

and she seems so pleased

and I’m pleased for her

but I’m dying to say

something

about Samnang

to someone

anyone

so when she finally

stops talking about the tops

I’m just about to tell her

that things may have changed

between Samnang and me

when Dad calls

Mom slips into her bedroom

kicks Toby off the computer

and out of the room

and closes the door

and she and Dad have a long

drawn-out conversation

Toby and me trying to catch snippets

from the kitchen

nearly twenty minutes later

Mom comes out

and sits down

YiaYia sets chamomile tea

before her

then me

and Toby’s looking from Mom

to YiaYia

to me

and I think

something’s wrong

what?
I say

Mom tells me

it’s my choice—

I can go back

to Japan

in January

if I want

since it looks definite

Dad will go back then

she says she and Toby

will stay with YiaYia

but if I want

I can return to Kamakura

just after winter break

to attend international school

we know that’s what you want, honey

she says

I lean back in my chair, say

I thought we needed to stay together

you, Toby, me

for all this

that’s what you said in August

that’s what Dad’s been saying

but Mom says something about the prognosis

being better than she’d initially feared

and adds
I think by January

I’ll be able to manage better

even if we have to be apart for a while